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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask am I bisexual or is this normal?

104 replies

Zerofucksgivenyes · 26/01/2017 20:04

I am a married woman in her late 20's with 3 DC's. I've only ever been in relationships with men, no desire to be in a relationship with a woman. I have many female friends who I don't find attractive or have a desire to have sex with. My DH is Thor only person who has ever made me orgasm and I find him physically attractive. I am a girly girl, not in the slightest bit butch.

The question comes in that the only thing that will get me off is thinking of a woman's naked body. I simply cannot orgasm unless I am watching porn with women in or thinking about a naked woman. This has been that way since I was very young. I have had fantasies about having sex with women but I think that if push came to shove I couldn't do it.

I am so confused - does this mean I'm bisexual? Is this normal for a straight woman to feel like this?

OP posts:
BillSykesDog · 26/01/2017 22:31

There was some research recently which found that most men were either gay or straight, but almost all women were to some extent bisexual. They recorded sexual responses when shown images. Men usually didn't sexually respond to the sex they did not identify as their preference, however women, even if they identified as completely straight, still had sexual reactions to images of women.

Hang, on, I'll look for it.

tartansnowman · 26/01/2017 22:37

'Is it not true that a woman's physical response to a sexual situation massively depends on her state of mind? Not interested in it? You are unlikely to feel much pleasure, and will struggle to orgasm. Whereas if your mind is turned on by the situation, your body responds massively.'

No, I can have an orgasm just from touch, while thinking about something totally unrelated.

And BillSykes, being turned on by images does not make you bisexual!

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 26/01/2017 22:39

Ok well hate to throw a spanner in the works but I was you OP .., only ever been with men, such a girly girl, tons of male attention all my life, married, kids the whole nine yards. But ... something wasn't quite right .... sexual fantasies bla bla centred around women ... never fantasised about men ... did the men thing but more of a sexual performance. Then 10 yrs ago met a woman ... certainly not abutch woman but equally not a girly girl. That was it for me ... fell in love ... now married and happy and great. Wouldn't ever go back to living with/ being with/ being in a relationship with.. a man ever again. I do quite like them though.

tartansnowman · 26/01/2017 22:43

Here OP, top two porn searches by women are lesbian and gay men:

www.bustle.com/articles/83292-these-are-the-most-popular-porn-searches-for-women-and-we-watch-a-lot-more-lesbian

Nodowntime · 26/01/2017 22:45

tartansnowman

I think I could orgasm, say, with a sex toy, in a mechanical way, while not being aroused, but when it happened (only a few times in my life), the orgasm is kind of local, in that area, and it's not actually even happy or satisfactory 🙄. The fact that the mind is not involved makes it not even comparable to a proper sexy orgasm.

And I imagine there could be plenty of conditions where no proper touch would make anyone orgasm, man or woman ( say if their parents are watching 😁)

P00pchute · 26/01/2017 22:46

I know many women who identify as lesbian, but are occasionally attracted to men. I'm bi, have had sex with a few women, but have only partnered with men. Have no real desire for a serious relationship with another woman, tbh.

SarcasmMode · 26/01/2017 22:48

I think very few people are completely straight or completely gay, I think most fit in the myriad between.

Done very little physically with a woman.
Done a lot with men.

Yet a woman's body is so much nicer to look at and I find a woman's ass/breasts very attractive. Also long hair in a woman.

I think if I wasn't married I may very well date a woman.

Generally as far as a relationship is concerned physical attractiveness is very low. Emotion, similar views etc play a larger role.

So I'd say I'm someone who likes men and women but in different ways.

I think you're as normal as any of us.

tartansnowman · 26/01/2017 22:49

Yes, probably true for many people, although I was actually thinking of a bumpy bus journey.

The mind is important in sex, very important.

I just don't think women are more turned on by their minds than their bodies.

Which was the original statement.

Most women can't routinely come without involving both.

BillSykesDog · 26/01/2017 22:49

And BillSykes, being turned on by images does not make you bisexual!

Er, having a sexual response to images of both sexes would certainly suggest some degree of bisexuality. Why do you think it doesn't? It may not indicate that they would go as far as having sex with them but the response and attraction is still there.

There's quite a convincing argument that a lot of women's sexuality as it is presented to the world (and often convince themselves) is based on social conditioning and expectations with quite a bit of denial involved.

tartansnowman · 26/01/2017 22:49

Sorry, that was to downtime.

tartansnowman · 26/01/2017 22:52

So by the same argument, Bill Sykes, women are in denial about how much they're into bestiality, given many show arousal when often animals mating?

tartansnowman · 26/01/2017 22:53

Sorry, when viewing animals mating.

RustyPaperclip · 26/01/2017 22:53

I had an interesting discussion with DH and a male friend recently. I am female, happily married to a man and I have never felt attracted to a woman but it could well happen, I could never rule it out. My point in the discussion was that I don't think sexuality can be labelled, if you fall in love or feel attracted to someone then it happens, regardless of gender

Klaphat · 26/01/2017 23:01

Do you think that our culture has sexualised the female body so much that it stands for sex, whatever sex you are actually physically attracted to?

I agree with this. Also rather key to note that the context is pornography.

I wonder if you have associated the idea of thinking of naked women with having an orgasm so much, that you have conditioned yourself to only come when you have that thought.

I also think it's likely there is something to this hypothesis.

Gwenhwyfar · 26/01/2017 23:12

"I don't think it is a spectrum. I think that sexuality is more complicated than that. I don't think fantasising about women means you are a bit less straight and a bit more gay, I think it is just how the especially female sexuality works. There was an experiment about female sexuality that found that women became aroused by looking at far more different categories of porn than men. Straight, lesbian, gay male, even animals mating. Female sexuality is extremely diverse, but it does not mean that the op is actually a bit gay. "

This.

Gwenhwyfar · 26/01/2017 23:14

"Er, having a sexual response to images of both sexes would certainly suggest some degree of bisexuality. Why do you think it doesn't? It may not indicate that they would go as far as having sex with them but the response and attraction is still there."

Not necessarily. Read the part I quoted above - sorry I didn't copy and paste the poster's name.

tartansnowman · 26/01/2017 23:15

Klaphat, if women's bodies stand for sex, why is gay male pornography the second most popular for women to watch after lesbian porn?

Klaphat · 27/01/2017 00:53

I'm not sure what part of 'women's bodies are sexualised' means that watching men having sex can't be titillating. I can however posit that gay male porn probably comes above heterosexual porn for a large number of women because heterosexual porn is full of women being degraded and treated, at best, like brainless jizz receptacles. Enough to kill most women's mood.

MommaGee · 27/01/2017 01:07

Thought you were c
Chris Hemsworth's wife for a minute
Was gonna offer to take him off your hands.

I wouldn't worry about labels, just go with what works for you as its not hitting anyone else

AbernathysFringe · 27/01/2017 01:29

Here's the oversimplified Kinsey Scale OP, as other posters have said, I think it's a spectrum too and that female bodies are more aesthetically pleasing anyway. Maybe it's also that you can't picture yourself in those scenes, making it a turn on, unless you see a body like yours present?
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scale

Italiangreyhound · 27/01/2017 01:51

OP no idea about your sexuality but I think porn is really damaging to women. You can imagine all the naked women you like but why do you need to watch them, you know what they look like!

lottieandmia · 27/01/2017 03:24

I think it's very normal. It's also a fantasy. A fantasy could be anything that you wouldn't do in RL. I think if you wouldn't be inclined to date women then you're not really bi. But it doesn't matter anyway. You don't need a label for everything imo.

FindoGask · 27/01/2017 05:40

There's a Kinsey test you can do online, it's pretty detailed, and it puts everyone on a spectrum from 100% hetero to 100% homo. I think it put me as mostly heterosexual but with more than incidental homosexual tendencies or something. Was quite interesting.

vistriai.com/kinseyscaletest/

Foreverlexicon · 27/01/2017 05:54

By the way both me and my girlfriend are girly Wink there doesn't have to be a butch one

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