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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask am I bisexual or is this normal?

104 replies

Zerofucksgivenyes · 26/01/2017 20:04

I am a married woman in her late 20's with 3 DC's. I've only ever been in relationships with men, no desire to be in a relationship with a woman. I have many female friends who I don't find attractive or have a desire to have sex with. My DH is Thor only person who has ever made me orgasm and I find him physically attractive. I am a girly girl, not in the slightest bit butch.

The question comes in that the only thing that will get me off is thinking of a woman's naked body. I simply cannot orgasm unless I am watching porn with women in or thinking about a naked woman. This has been that way since I was very young. I have had fantasies about having sex with women but I think that if push came to shove I couldn't do it.

I am so confused - does this mean I'm bisexual? Is this normal for a straight woman to feel like this?

OP posts:
PhoenixJasmine · 26/01/2017 22:05

Why would you think you're not normal though? You're just you - think about whatever you want whilst you get your rocks off, as long as no one is harmed, it's all good, why would you care about a label?

It now seems to me that you're coming across as over sensitive Smile I didn't twist any of your words - I just said how I'd read the words you'd written and that they came across, to me, as implying that bisexuality was not normal. A kind of, FYI, what you've said could offend. I actually didn't say that you'd offended me personally, either. It is definitely worth choosing your words carefully.

'Normal' is a very tricky concept really.

tartansnowman · 26/01/2017 22:07

How are women more turned on by their minds than their bodies?

tartansnowman · 26/01/2017 22:10

How is any of that helpful Jasmine?

OP doesn't want to know if she is 'just you.'

She is using normal to mean is this a thing that very many other people do.

The answer to that question is yes.

Stormwhale · 26/01/2017 22:10

Tartan - for example, women (myself included) can organise in their sleep. No physical contact whatsoever, just the mind creating a sexual dream, and have an organ as strong if not stronger than one created by stimulation of physical body parts. Does that not show you that a woman's sexual response can come straight from the mind?

Stormwhale · 26/01/2017 22:11

*orgasm

tartansnowman · 26/01/2017 22:11

I've read the paper before stormwhale. It doesn't say women are more turned on by their minds than their bodies. I don't understand what the expression means.

TheOtherSock · 26/01/2017 22:11

I'd kill to be able to organise in my sleep. I can't bloody do it awake.

Tylee · 26/01/2017 22:12

I've read that too. It's why most video porn sites are used by predominantly men and most slashfic sites are used by predominantly women. Or whatever. (Though obviously women also like videos and men also like fanfic. Cos sex is sexy.)

tartansnowman · 26/01/2017 22:12

Men also orgasm in their sleep.

And women can orgasm from just touch, without thinking of anything in particular.

Writerwannabe83 · 26/01/2017 22:13

storm - I orgasm in my sleep too, it's quite alarming when I wake up to find myself in the middle of one Grin

Tylee · 26/01/2017 22:13

Don't women organism in their sleep too? Interested face.

tartansnowman · 26/01/2017 22:14

Tylee, yes to slash, but even with filmed porn, lesbian is the most commonly watched by women, with gay male also being common.

Writerwannabe83 · 26/01/2017 22:14

And women can orgasm from just touch, without thinking of anything in particular.

Completely agree. I can orgasm whilst thinking about work if I'm being touched properly Grin

tartansnowman · 26/01/2017 22:15

Yes, lots of men and women can orgasm in their sleep!

Stormwhale · 26/01/2017 22:16

Is it not true that a woman's physical response to a sexual situation massively depends on her state of mind? Not interested in it? You are unlikely to feel much pleasure, and will struggle to orgasm. Whereas if your mind is turned on by the situation, your body responds massively.

onceandneveragain · 26/01/2017 22:18

I understood what you meant by the bisexual/normal phrasing, but have to agree with the other posters that were a bit bemused by the butch/girly thing.
Not all non-girly women are lesbians
not all lesbians are butch!

I think perhaps the reason people might have mentioned that and the bisexual/normal thing is that taken together, using slightly offensive phrasing and out of date stereotypes suggest you might not have much experience with gay people/gay culture, or knowledge of broad spectrums of sexuality, which is why you might be concerned about this. Whereas somebody who is gay/has a lot of gay friends/or is just more aware would say, as other posters have reassured you, that sex and sexual ideas are hugely variant and something sligthly outside "the norm" is nothing to be concerned about.

This is very very different, and I hope not offensive/distressing to anyone, but lots of people have fantasies about things like spanking/or reduced consent, but would never dream of wanting their partner to actually hit them to punish them, or someone to rape them in "real life". For lots of people, fantasies are just that - something they fantasise about because it is so different to their real life.

Sweets101 · 26/01/2017 22:19

I fanatsise about all sorts of things i wouldn't actually wish to do. I think it's prettty common

PhoenixJasmine · 26/01/2017 22:24

I've made my point, which is that I don't feel that using the term normal in terms of sexuality is a wise thing to do, as it can very easily come across as implying that the opposite is not normal. I have previously accidentally used offensive terminology on MN and am grateful it was pointed out to me, I don't like the idea of going around upsetting people without realising it.

Also personally I do find it useful to be challenged on why I am worried about various things, helps me assess whether it is a genuine problem or my anxiety (or somewhere in between).

Anyway signing off the thread as it feels likely to descend into people being professionally not offended to counter the professional offence Grin. Have fun tonight OP, and don't worry about being normal!

Nodowntime · 26/01/2017 22:26

I knew I was bisexual since early childhood, but never was attracted to the idea of a partnership with a woman, however fancied many more women then men. Married to a man but have regular erotic dreams about sex with women, which I miss desperately even though I have a great sex life with my DH. Yeah, could never come without actually imagining a woman being involved, which made me Google this year whether I might be actually gay (purely on a sexual level, initially I went into sexual relationships with boys slightly reluctantly, felt like second best). But appears not, I'm bi, though will forever find women sexier 😐, your post is actually reassuring, since it happens to women who identify straight 😃

RainbowChasing · 26/01/2017 22:27

I think it's a really normal fantasy tbh. I've certainly fantasised about being with a woman whilst sexually aroused, and it gets me off. However I am like you and have no interest in being with a woman (relationship or sex) in real life. I think women's bodies are beautiful and I can appreciate a nice looking lady but I have never fancied a female. A gay friend of mine once told me that he fantasises about straight sex when he's aroused, and he wasn't remotely attracted to women in real life. What turns you on in your head doesn't have to be translated to real life.

AntiGrinch · 26/01/2017 22:27

Do you think that our culture has sexualised the female body so much that it stands for sex, whatever sex you are actually physically attracted to?

Like imagine if we lived in a world where food was only ever served in places also serving coffee. You may never have tasted coffee, or may not like it, but you would come to associate the smell of coffee with satisfying your hunger and you would get a physical response to it.

I think the female body, naked or nearly naked, is used to mean sex and this might have had an effect on you.

I don't think it matters though, in the sense that you seem to have a good sex life with your DH, which is surely the holy grail?

Catsize · 26/01/2017 22:28

The 'norm' is heterosexuality. Therefore, I am comfortable - as a woman in a 14yr same-sex relationship - to say that is not normal. However, it is totally natural. 'Normal' is often used where 'natural' is meant I think.

DorcasthePuffin · 26/01/2017 22:29

If you have never fancied a woman or wanted to sleep with a woman you're not bisexual, I reckon. Enjoying 'lesbian' porn is irrelevant. Some women get off on rape fantasies - doesn't mean they want to be raped.

It's not actually lesbian porn, you know. It's made by and for straights. I'm lesbian and find it a complete turn-off.

Bumbledumb · 26/01/2017 22:29

I wonder if you have associated the idea of thinking of naked women with having an orgasm so much, that you have conditioned yourself to only come when you have that thought. In that case, it would have little or nothing to do with your sexual preferences. You could be thinking of anything.