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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect him to join me at a wedding?

27 replies

user1485383565 · 25/01/2017 22:59

My longterm boyfriend and I have been invited to a wedding of one of my cousins. When I asked if he was going, he gave various reasons why he couldn't go, such as not knowing anyone (not true) and not having anything to wear.

This has happened with most invitations for anything with my family or friends. When he has gone, everyone has chatted and been lovely to him/he enjoyed himself, so no issues there.

It makes me feel like he doesn't care about what's important to me. I go to all of his family events.

Am I being unreasonable to think he should join me or am I better off going on my own?

OP posts:
kelj2 · 25/01/2017 23:04

How long have you been together? I think if you've been together for a reasonable amount of time and he's met your family etc. he should go. To be invited to a wedding is an honour. I think he should suck it up and go with you.

Surreyblah · 25/01/2017 23:06

Perhaps he's not that into you...

Oysterbabe · 25/01/2017 23:07

Yanbu. He should go.

BackforGood · 25/01/2017 23:10

Yes, he should - it is part of being half of a couple.
So YANBU

WestieLou · 25/01/2017 23:26

Thanks for replying.
Been together just over four years, kelj2.
Says he wants to get married/have children but only when I mention. He's doing nothing about it though.

How should I deal with this? x

Crowdblundering · 25/01/2017 23:33

LTB

WestieLou · 26/01/2017 00:01

Think you're right, Crowdblundering.

Feels like I'm being unreasonable expecting him to go but maybe that's how he makes me feel? Also feels like such a waste of the last four years Sad

kel12345 · 26/01/2017 00:05

I'd say he should go

SantaClausMortificado · 26/01/2017 00:24

I misread *WestieLous" answer to the question

How should I deal with this? x

as "crowdfunding". And thought well that's original - what to buy a new boyfriend.

OP how should you deal with it - I say options are:
A. Go on your own and have a fun time. You may meet a nice new man who is much better! It's always better to go alone to anything you want to go to than it is to go with someone who doesn't want to be there.

of

B.tell him you want to discuss something and sit him down when you have his full attention (no watching TV., playing with phone etc), explain to him you'd really like him to come, how much it means to you and why - but also make clear you don't want to force him to do something he really doesn't want to. See what he says. If he still doesn't wnat to play ball - refer to A.

This may very well be a sign he's not very into you (when I've come across this type of behaviour before to do with wedding attendance that's always what it's been) but it could be something else (eg. he is socially not comfortable with your family/people he doesn't know). At very least I'd say a pink flag for watching in case it turns red.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 26/01/2017 00:53

I guess it also depends on how you are with him at these events. Do you stay with him or go off and leave him? I am dreading an upcoming wedding of dh's work colleague. He's worked there a long time but it is not near here and I have never met any of them - he's never met my work colleagues either, I haven't even met some of my good friends through work. We only ever socialise with work colleagues alone. I will be annoyed if he disappears off at any point. I also feel as if the only reason I am going is because I am his +1 so no other person there has a need to know me or will be likely to see me again in the next 7 years, yet if I talk out of turn he will be embarrassed. I can't drink because it is a school night and a long way from home so I will have to drive home due to babysitter and then be up at 6.30 to get children off to school.

I know that many of these things won't apply to him, but do make sure that you stick with him for the whole day.

scottishdiem · 26/01/2017 03:48

Does he socialise in large groups where is doesnt know many or any people well? Is it just events for your family and friends that he doesnt go to - does he do general social events? You say he goes to his family events but does he do other events outside of that. I'd want to be sure that its just your side of things that he is avoiding rather than social events in general before deciding what a next step would be.

My best friend and her DP love each other but she despises going to social events where she is uncomfortable and can end up in tears so doesnt go - but apparently to people posting above that is a bad thing. Her DP is much more understanding.

FastWindow · 26/01/2017 04:01

Married 10 years here. My dh still doesn't go to anything ... Still married though. :)

Chloe84 · 26/01/2017 04:21

YANBU. He should make the effort.

Does he expect you to go to his family events?

Surreyblah · 26/01/2017 07:13

so you want to marry him? He is avoiding discussion about that, and weddings.

Unlikely it'll work out.

kelj2 · 26/01/2017 08:19

I'd sit down and have a serious discussion with him and say he's either in the relationship for the long haul and needs to start showing or he needs to go. It seems odd that's he's only mentioning marriage and children whenever you do though. I'd make sure he absolutely wants the same things as you before you act on either of them.

TheNaze73 · 26/01/2017 08:22

Don't see the problem, if he doesn't want to go, why should he?

expatinscotland · 26/01/2017 08:32

He doesn't want to be seen with you as a couple in front of your family and friends and he doesn't marry you or have children with you.

Please, cut your losses. Get rid and go to the wedding on your own as a single woman.

ErrolTheDragon · 26/01/2017 08:32

I've been happily married for 30 years, DH has never been keen on coming with me to my family events - this doesn't necessarily spell doom for a relationship. He married me, not my family.

But at this stage, probably best to encourage your DP to come with you, remind him of the previous events which were ok etc - otherwise in future it may just be too awkward, then he might feel excluded even though its of his own making.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 26/01/2017 08:43

What struck me was

Says he wants to get married/have children but only when I mention. He's doing nothing about it though.

Sorry OP, it's very unlikely that he does want to marry you and have children, he just doesn't want you to dump him. I have a colleague who has been "engaged" for 24 years and still cries every time someone announces a pregnancy.

I think you have bigger problems than not going to a wedding.

💐🍫

livefornaps · 26/01/2017 08:54

He sounds like a child. Adulthood is all about stepping up to the mark when it comes to social occasions. It shows a degree of respect and love...even if we don't feel like it! If he can't see that, cut him loose. He probably did get on well with your fam and friends when he met them - but that was obviously when it suited him! Real adults would say to themselves, great, that went well, i can look forward to the next occasion - instead of sulking that it's not all on their terms. Absolutely cannot understand these overgrown men children who think this way. I think you'd be happier going by yourself - to everything from now on! You don't want to spend your life babysitting a brat. Godspeed.

WatchingFromTheWings · 26/01/2017 09:23

My now ExH did this. Refused to socialise with my friends and family as 'he didn't know them'. Eventually my friends stopped inviting us to stuff and more often than not he made excuses as to why we couldn't see my family (no money for petrol....but plenty for cigarettes). Didn't see what he was doing at the time but eventually it got to the point that we only socialised with his friends and family and I had no friends of my own. I ended up isolated. Took me years to leave him by which time we were married with 2 DC.

PinkCrystal · 26/01/2017 09:25

Could he have social anxiety? I'm

Strongmummy · 26/01/2017 14:48

Sounds just like my husband. He hates social interaction. I'm the opposite and am very sociable. It upset me at first as I thought it was rude and showed he didn't care about me, but I came to realise it was wrong to force him to do things he really didn't want to do. He occasionally accompanies me to important events, but for other gatherings I am used to enjoying myself with others knowing my husband is happier at home

Strongmummy · 26/01/2017 14:49

P.s my husband does have social anxiety

Shelby2010 · 26/01/2017 14:58

Tell him that a lot of the people there will be guests at your own wedding in a year or so..... and therefore it's better that he gets to know them now.

His response should give you an idea of where your relationship is going.

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