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Original poster

To have kids before marriage?

232 replies

PandaEyes25 · 25/01/2017 10:27

I'm desperate to start TTC with my Partner of 7 years. Everything is pretty much spot on regarding timing as I am in a good job which will allow me to work flexibly, we have a good amount of savings and live in a nice area in our own house with a couple of spare bedrooms.

The only thing is, we are not married.
It's not the my OH doesn't believe in marriage. He says that we will get married at some point but I'm not sure if I want to bring a baby into the mix without having the stability marriage provides.

I'm just curious to see if other people agree with me that getting married first is definitely the right thing to do or if I'm just getting a bit hung up over it and that it's not worth putting off having children for.

OP posts:
DrudgeJedd · 25/01/2017 17:31

I wouldn't in your situation op, we had a laugh together sorting out our elopement because neither of us wanted a big wedding. Even before ttc we both agreed that I would be a sahm & that marriage would happen 1st to keep everything simple.

Olympiathequeen · 25/01/2017 17:33

If you ensure you are legally watertight financially should you split or him (or you) die, then it doesn't matter a huge amount. I think you would miss out on widows benefit and maybe other benefits, but if you get insurances it may counteract this. I would speak to a family lawyer first to clarify the situation for you and maybe set things up legally.

GinIsIn · 25/01/2017 17:40

ILoveMonkeys but you aren't, though - that's the point that's being made. If your DP chooses to walk away tomorrow there is nothing to legally and financially stop him from doing so, as there would be if you were married.

EweAreHere · 25/01/2017 17:45

If he wants go get married, and you want to get married, get married. It won't cost much.

Totally different than spending a lot on 'one day', which presumably is referring to a wedding event. Totally different than just a basic ceremony in a registrar's office.

ChairinSage · 25/01/2017 17:49

DD1 was a very unplanned pregnancy so after a short discussion, DH and I got married about 3 weeks after the 12 week scan. For a number of reasons: partly for security, partly to get it done before she arrived (otherwise we'd have to decide when to do it and channel funds into that rather than her) but mainly to show our commitment to each other. We had intended to have a proper renewal of vows when she was older but haven't got round to it in the last 10 years...

If it's important to you, then you need to discuss it openly with your partner and get a compromise of some sort.

user1471496670 · 25/01/2017 17:50

I really just think it's entirely up to you.
Me and DP are TTC at the moment and aren't married...simple reason is I'm still married to someone else (divorce papers filed, uncontested and all very amicable). I'm almost 39 and just don't have the time to wait for my divorce to come through and then for us to get married after that before trying due to my age. We'll get married one day and look forward to hopefully our baby being able to be there and part of the day with us.

Willyoujustbequiet · 25/01/2017 17:59

I should add that legal protection aside, marriage is no more a guarantee of commitment than children are. Vows do not make any difference and children are easily cast aside. Its a sad fact that people can and do abandon all their long held principles and morals to suit themselves

Do not ever rely on promises of forever. Protect yourself legally.

Jiffybag · 25/01/2017 18:04

Haven't RTFT, but stats show that unmarried couples are much more likely to break up than married couples. There's something in it, even if loads of people claim it's "just a piece of paper".

KoolKoala07 · 25/01/2017 18:12

Personally for me it was important to be married before children. (Nothing against those who don't marry before kids). I know there is no guarantees in a relationship married or not but I grew up with married parents and I admire that they have worked hard through ups and downs to keep their marriage working. Apart from the legal aspect it makes no difference but I feel happier about starting a family knowing I'm married.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 25/01/2017 18:17

I got pregnant pretty much straightaway after getting together with DH. We didn't marry until DS was over a year old. I had no intention of stopping work or reducing hours, so the protection thing never really was a consideration for us. We married because we wanted to be husband and wife rather than to legitimise our child.

Sunnymeg · 25/01/2017 18:22

Having seen the mess an unmarried friend of mine had to deal with , I'd advise everyone to get married. She had three children with her partner and they had been together for 19 years. He started playing away with a woman half his age. She fell pregnant and he left my friend and married the OW within three months. Luckily my friend had always worked throughout the relationship, but she soon discovered that the new wife had total claim on virtually everything.

lelapaletute · 25/01/2017 18:23

To be honest, whilst what everyone is saying here about legal protection is true, you shouldn't have a baby unless you're prepared for the possibility you might end up having to do it on your own. You never know what life has in store...

but if you are both happy to marry in theory, just nip down the registry and do it on the quiet. Don't tell anyone. Then later on, when you have the money, do the big party, dress and flowers number.

lelapaletute · 25/01/2017 18:25

Jiffybag, correlation does not equal causation. Possibly it is just more likely more committed couples tend to get married? Doesn't mean being married made them more committed.

Ginmakesitallok · 25/01/2017 18:27

DP and I have 2dc, been together 23 years and not married. We own the house jointly, have wills etc in place, I work pt but would earn same as him if I went ft. Can't see point in getting married now

NickyEds · 25/01/2017 18:44

There probably isn't any gin unless your assets are over the inheritance tax threshold.

NameChange30 · 25/01/2017 18:45

Oh yeah, no point whatsoever, apart from all the reasons that have been listed on this thread

SummerHouse · 25/01/2017 18:56

I am not married and I don't want to be. Each to their own. I didn't get screen protectors for my kids kindles either. I live on the edge.Smile

Jiffybag · 25/01/2017 19:09

Fair point lela. I haven't got the research in front of me to get at the granular data. (Is that the word? I'm channelling my scientific DH here...)

Araminta99 · 25/01/2017 19:40

Marriage is essential before having children. As pp mentioned, having children is not a commitment to your partner, as people are MORE likely to cheat after having children, not before. Having children is a commitment to the child at best, but that doesn't stop parents from leaving their children after a split etc.

Marriage is a financial and legal protection as pps have so eloquently outlined. But don't underestimate the social and cultural benefits as well. Being married (especially with children) gives you a lot of advantages, and often more respect. I'm not saying it should be that way but it is often the case.

A previous poster said that being married or not makes no difference to your relationship. In actual fact, a majority of women and men do notice a tangible difference to their relationship after marriage, a closeness, a feeling of safety and commitment that they had not felt before. Unmarried couples are also more likely to split up than married couples.

You don't have to have a fancy wedding, a small affair is just as meaningful.

FannyDeFuzz · 25/01/2017 19:53

As someone who had a child out of wedlock, I do think it's preferable to get married first. I never thought so before, but now I do. I should clarify: if neither of you want to get married but are prepared to do the legal thing with wills etc,and both of you are in total agreement - I think that's different - you've put thought and planning in to that. A lot of women would however like to get married, but they go along with their partner's "it's just a piece of paper, you know I love you" line. A lot of the time it does seem that the man in question is wary of making that sort of public commitment, whilst happy to have his socks washed and his children cared for. Then he swans off with someone else- after years, sometimes

I'm now married to a man who is not the bio father of my child, and when DD is older I will warn her to be very careful with her choices around marriage/children

orangeisthenewmelon · 25/01/2017 20:11

Marriage is absolutely not essential before having children,and if you're the higher earner, then if you ever broke up, being married could be an absolute disaster financially.

If you've got a decent mat package from work, plan to return to work, and earn more than your partner, then marriage is not in your favour.

Not being married gives you the great legal protection of being able to get you and your kids out if DP turns out to be not so D.

If you want to give up your career for kids, and have the traditional wifey set up, then marriage can offer protection.

If you don't, then marriage can offer a huge ballache.

I don't know why everyone insists on here that marriage is 'essential' if you have kids. It all depends on the financial situation in your relationship.

Parker231 · 25/01/2017 20:57

Araminta99 - why do you think that being married (especially with children) gives you lots of advantages and often more respect?
Why is marriage essential before having children? I had the DT's years before we were married and things didn't change before or after. I've always worked ft and all assets have always been jointly owned.

PeridotPassion · 25/01/2017 21:08

a majority of women and men do notice a tangible difference to their relationship after marriage, a closeness, a feeling of safety and commitment that they had not felt before

This is rubbish IMO.

Don't get me wrong, I love being married to dh. I took his name (don't want to start a debate over that) and I love us all being called the same. Loved making my vows and all the other mush.

But our relationship didn't change after getting married at all. We were already close, already committed, already felt safe and secure. In fact, what was weird was just how same-y it was when we got home the day after the wedding...we got home and then it was kind of 'OK...so who's making tea then?'...and life went on. Most people I know that are married have said the same.

geekaMaxima · 25/01/2017 21:18

a majority of women and men do notice a tangible difference to their relationship after marriage, a closeness, a feeling of safety and commitment that they had not felt before

Arf, yes, this is bollocks.

I'm sure it's true for some people, but some people also have a moral problem with the idea of children outside marriage. Other people view marriage as a legal contract only and find it makes zero difference to their relationship. Other people would never get married if civil partnerships were available for diff-sex couples because they hate the patriarchal and cultural guff associated with marriage.

There is no one size fits all.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 25/01/2017 22:48

On a purely practical basis I am never getting into my wedding dress again. I've watched a friend obsess about her weight during her mat leave because her wedding was when the baby was 8 months. Then trying to wean the baby off the boob on time. Grim.

It was v nice to have time with family and friends without the hassle of childcare but more so the mental distraction that goes with them on a day like that.

Everyone else has covered off the legal stuff to death. Get married, have a fun time whatever you choose to spend and enjoy your time as a couple. Life will never be the same once you have kids.

The one real downside is that your kids will never forgive you for not inviting them in their unconceived state ..... Hmm