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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for money instead of presents?

82 replies

Blumkin · 24/01/2017 22:06

Dd is having a whole class party + some extra friends (around 40dc in total). It's what she wanted - we gave her a choice between a large party, or to have a small party but expensive present, and she chose the party.

However she already has a mountain of toys, my house is still totally full of new stuff from Christmas (some still unopened in cupboard) and I have no where to store anything now.

I've suggested to my dc they do a big clear out and choose which toys to give to charity but apparently they still need every single bit (to be fair though a lot of dds old toys are now played with by younger sibling)

So is it totally unreasonable to ask parents to just sellotape 20p inside a card and forgo getting a present? I can then take dd to Claire's accessories and she can buy a hideous large bow thing that she's been lusting after (would make her extremely happy to go out and buy one)

Part of me knows it's really rude to ask for money, but if I explain that my house just cant cope with any more toys and explain dd will be happy with just any coin they give would that be ok?

OP posts:
wobblywonderwoman · 24/01/2017 22:08

I don't know op. I don't think you can. Maybe someone might have a better way of putting it on the invite. Maybe say it to parents you are friendly with in person only.

user1484317265 · 24/01/2017 22:10

I wouldn't, mainly because you know well no-one would put such a small amount in the card, they will feel obliged to give a tenner.

Treaclespongeandcustard · 24/01/2017 22:10

I wouldn't mind giving a coin. We've had a few invites recently that explicitly state 'no gifts please'. A few people will still being gifts but you won't be stuck with 40 bits of plastic Grin

MegBusset · 24/01/2017 22:11

I don't think it's OK to ask for money.

I think it's fine to say 'no presents please'

And get her the bow yourself

Treaclespongeandcustard · 24/01/2017 22:11

*bring gifts even Blush

LilacSpatula · 24/01/2017 22:12

What MegBusset said

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 24/01/2017 22:12

20p per guest wont buy you one bow!!!!

SpiritedLondon · 24/01/2017 22:13

Well I would be delighted personally. 20p ? Bargain. I think the main issue is how you word it but it certainly saves a lot of hassle and expense. I did read on here once about $2 parties in either Canada or USA where the guests contribute $2 rather than a gift if they wish. ( I think they may have a little box near the door for the money). I thought it was a good idea and was well accepted practice. Just don't include a poem asking for cash because we know how well that goes down!

neonrainbow · 24/01/2017 22:17

I think it's fine. Only on mumsnet is it not ok to ask for money instead of a gift in a situation where a gift is expected.

phoenixnix · 24/01/2017 22:17

How old is she? Because I know my 5yo would be a bit disappointed to go to a party but not be able to take a present with her, it's part of the fun for them

user1484317265 · 24/01/2017 22:18

Only on mumsnet is it not ok to ask for money instead of a gift in a situation where a gift is expected

Erm, no. To most of the world, in fact. Where a gift may be expected, you don't ask them for cash instead.

Original poster
Blumkin · 24/01/2017 22:19

I tried the polite 'no gifts please' thing on the invite last year - 20 kids turned up, all bar 2 had gifts. Confused

So I know aibu and a bit rude to say 'no gifts please just stick 20p to her card' - but I figured if I explain to parents that my house is full and can't cope with any more toys and Christmas, lots of kids invited, and blah blah blah but she only wants a bow and it would make her so happy to buy it herself with her birthday money so only a teeny tiny contribution is needed per person, please no more than 20p.....

OP posts:
user1485203496 · 24/01/2017 22:21

I think it's a wonderful idea to be honest, as a parent I never know what to get my Daughters friends and usually put money in a card anyway. I think if you say 20p, there will of course be parents that feel they need to give more but that's up to them, there will also be parents who are so grateful that you're only asking for 20p as after Christmas it can be a stretch for some folk. I definitely think it's worth you writing on the invitation why you're asking for money (so your Daughter can buy the bow that she's seen). I honestly think it's great and hopefully other parents in your child's class will start to follow your trend. Keep us updated with your decision :)

WhereTheFuckIsWonderWoman · 24/01/2017 22:22

When DD was invited to a no gift party we were asked to contribute to food instead. Made sense and worked well. Especially when you're inviting those sorts of numbers.

chitofftheshovel · 24/01/2017 22:23

Ah, a difficult one. My DD aged 9 is going to a couple of parties at the weekend, I'm all for sticking money in a card, she really wants the joy of picking something out for them.

In reality no one would put just 20p in for fear of being judged (tempting as it is) but I understand your wish for less tat!

"No presents please" on the invite is pretty much requesting cash, in my mind as no one wants to turn up empty handed.

Will watch this with interest and sorry not to be of more help.

WhereTheFuckIsWonderWoman · 24/01/2017 22:23

Contribute food as in bring some, not contribute to the cost (if that makes any sense Blush)

Original poster
Blumkin · 24/01/2017 22:25

spirited a poem asking for cash to a birthday party - ADORE that idea. desperately thinks of ways to rip off cheesy wedding poem replacing honeymoon with toys

OP posts:
TheSnowFairy · 24/01/2017 22:33

Be warned, if you do ask for 20p you'll get a ton of sweets and chocolate with it 🍬🍭

bumsexatthebingo · 24/01/2017 22:42

I wouldn't as people will feel obliged to put more than 20p in and its rude to expect anything really.
If they get duplicates, tat or more stuff than they've room for take it to your local charity shop, childrens hospital or childrens centre.

Original poster
Blumkin · 24/01/2017 22:44

The contributing to food idea is good - however several of the dc coming have allergies (3 carry epi pens) so wouldn't want to risk any nuts, eggs, etc accidentally sneaking in harming our guests.

OP posts:
DirtyDancing · 24/01/2017 22:45

I wouldn't love a 20p or £1 pls request, would be nice to hear it's going towards a bow as well so we know what she is getting

DirtyDancing · 24/01/2017 22:45

Argh predictive text. That should say I WOULD love !!

IMissGrannyW · 24/01/2017 22:48

The thing is, I always budgeted around a fiver for a b.day present for a party for a kid in the class, so if I was asked specifically for 20p, I'd do that, and spend around £4 - £4.50 on the kind of plastic tat you specifically want to avoid.

I do get where you're at though.

How about putting a slip in with each invite labelled "For the parents" and actually BUY the bow (so they can see what they're contributing towards" and write something light and amusing. Rhyming couplets, if you can manage it, or something along the lines of "we've invited your DC for his/her PRESENCE, not their presents! DD REALLY wants this bow, which we'd never buy her in a million years, so if you'd like to make her day, please don't buy her a present, but give us 20p and sign the card we've got so she knows it's from you" (and have a card they can all sign).

I'm supporting what you're trying to do because I do get it, but I think a 5 yr old would be really upset NOT to get all the tat and a gazillion presents to open, so I actually think you should swallow it, and donate a lot to the school fete when it comes around. Who is the birthday party for, after all!

Sweets101 · 24/01/2017 22:49

This is why i always reply to invites with 'DC would love to come, any tips on what present X would like or would they like the money?'
It's the way forward.

Yoarchie · 24/01/2017 22:51

I'd be thrilled to receive an invite asking for 20p. I'd prob stick a fiver in or at least a £2 coin as would feel 20p is a bit cheap!

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