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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for money instead of presents?

82 replies

Blumkin · 24/01/2017 22:06

Dd is having a whole class party + some extra friends (around 40dc in total). It's what she wanted - we gave her a choice between a large party, or to have a small party but expensive present, and she chose the party.

However she already has a mountain of toys, my house is still totally full of new stuff from Christmas (some still unopened in cupboard) and I have no where to store anything now.

I've suggested to my dc they do a big clear out and choose which toys to give to charity but apparently they still need every single bit (to be fair though a lot of dds old toys are now played with by younger sibling)

So is it totally unreasonable to ask parents to just sellotape 20p inside a card and forgo getting a present? I can then take dd to Claire's accessories and she can buy a hideous large bow thing that she's been lusting after (would make her extremely happy to go out and buy one)

Part of me knows it's really rude to ask for money, but if I explain that my house just cant cope with any more toys and explain dd will be happy with just any coin they give would that be ok?

OP posts:
Swirlingasong · 24/01/2017 22:52

Did you explain why you asked for no gifts last year, or just request no gifts?

If my dc got an invitation explaining that the house simply had no space, I would respect that but would probably tape a couple of quid in a card or find a small gift that took no space, like a soft play voucher.

The problem with asking for an amount of cash, even if very small, is that someone will always feel awkward.

SpiritedLondon · 24/01/2017 22:53

I personally don't like requests for cash at weddings but this is not the same.... the OP is asking for a tiny contribution. Perhaps there are a couple of school mums who could spread the word so you're not tying yourself up in knots on the invite. Who remembers the Myleene Klass debacle??? 😀

Original poster
Blumkin · 24/01/2017 23:10

Our house is full of plastic tat
And can't store any more of that,
It's full of dolls and toys and stuff
Dd simply has enough

So please just give my darling dd
The princely sum of 20p!
No more than that is required
To buy the bow that she desired

How's that for my first ever mumsnet poem?

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 24/01/2017 23:18

I took DS to one a couple of weeks ago and they asked us to pick something extra off the school book list and bring it. It was then donated to a group that put book packs together for families who can't afford it. I thought it was a lovely idea and a good way of getting around not wanting a whole lot of extra toys. I actually spent more than I would have for a gift because it was going to a good cause.

bumsexatthebingo · 24/01/2017 23:21

You might get this back though op

I'm texting to RSVP
To let you know that our dd
Will be unable to attend
The birthday party of her friend
I'm sure you thought it would make sense
To ask us all for 20 pence
When clearly no-one would arrive
Without bringing a pound or five
So though your cheek I do admire
Your childcare we don't wish to hire
I hope she has a lovely day
And others are more keen to pay
In future it would be more pleasant
If you just let us bring a present

harderandharder2breathe · 24/01/2017 23:24

"No gifts please" is fine

Don't ask for money though

You can ask for money from family if they ask for gift ideas. You can't ask for money from dc friends

IMissGrannyW · 24/01/2017 23:28

You haven't said (unless I've missed it) the age of your DD, but she comes across as quite young by your post (eg whole-class parties.... Older children generally have a set group of friends, with likes and dislikes)

I get the PP who did a charity gift for a present, but I think a younger child would be upset by that.

your child's birthday shouldn't be about how you view the clutter of your house, it should be about celebrating your child. And that includes presents and making your child happy. I really think you should stop whinging about clutter and concentrate on making a great party for your kid.

e1y1 · 24/01/2017 23:33

Presents/gifts ideally shouldn't be discussed by the host at all - as it's assumptive that a gift (whether an item or money) will be given.

If you want to ensure that you won't be overrun with stuff, then the most you'll get away with is "no gifts please".

e1y1 · 24/01/2017 23:33

*presumptive

jcalel80 · 24/01/2017 23:42

I'd say nothing . Chances are some parents will put money in a card instead of gifts anyway and with an unwanted gifts / duplicates regift at future parties your daughter is invited too ( just make a more of who sent what do you arnt sending it back to the gifter ) saving you money to buy more bows haha

Sweets101 · 24/01/2017 23:50

Presents/gifts ideally shouldn't be discussed by the host at all - as it's assumptive that a gift (whether an item or money) will be given. If you want to ensure that you won't be overrun with stuff, then the most you'll get away with is "no gifts please".
As if anyone would turn up without a gift! No gifts please just makes everyone feel unsure as to what they should bring ime

Only1scoop · 24/01/2017 23:51

Don't
Awful Confused

SheldonCRules · 25/01/2017 02:42

Don't, it's always rude to mention gifts or cash on an invite.

It's part and parcel of having a huge party, lots of children like choosing a gift for their friend or parents have already stocked up on presents and lots feel the need to give more when it's cash.

BradleyPooper · 25/01/2017 02:51

Please don't ask for money in any way shape or form, even 20p.

Could you say that instead of gifts for your dd, you'd prefer an unwrapped gift that can be donated to charity? This way people can buy sth, bring it along and you can take it straight to goodwill or whatever the uk equivalent is. I know people who have done that in the USA, works well,

EmeraldScorn · 25/01/2017 03:12

"Could I please request that no presents are given as Santa brought more than enough but if you could put insert amount taped inside a card so as insert name can buy a girly hair bow that she has been lusting after that would be most appreciated."

I don't see anything wrong with asking for what is a very small amount of money instead of a gift that would cost more anyway.

I think most people would feel obliged to give more than 20p though, so I'd suggest a slightly higher figure of £1 - £2.

I'd find it really rude and presumptuous if you specified an amount that I thought was over the top (Like £50) but no one would think a couple of pound was too much, you'd literally be asking for £1 or £2 and I think that is reasonable on your part and most parents would be happy to oblige.

I'd just say it straight to them without dressing it up.

LellyMcKelly · 25/01/2017 03:40

No, it's part of the fun of going to a party, and for your daughter to open the presents after.

Redglitter · 25/01/2017 04:31

Have you run this idea past your daughter?
How's she going to feel if she gets 40 cards with a 20p taped to it instead of the mountains of tat she's been expecting

ImYourMama · 25/01/2017 05:38

I think your daughter will rightly be expecting the piles of plastic and you shouldn't interfere with that. Very bad taste, and the poem makes it even worse Envy

ToastieRoastie · 25/01/2017 05:58

You must have a close friend or two in that group of parents. I'd email all the parents with details of the party in case invites have got lost.

Then I'd get one parent friend to email everyone back (excluding you) and say that Birthday child just wants a bow for her birthday, how about they club together to get. They've checked with you and you'd be very happy not to receive 40 presents as your house is overflowing.

Your friend has to be happy to organise the collection though!

kelj2 · 25/01/2017 06:02

Could you maybe put on the invite "no toys please" that way people could buy clothes etc. instead.

Crumbs1 · 25/01/2017 06:15

Just no. I can see your thoughts but to expect presents is clearly wrong. To teach your children to expect presents is clearly wrong. To tell people what presents you want for your daughter is clearly wrong.
The giving of presents is meant to demonstrate that you have thought about and put effort into pleasing the recipient. At children's birthday parties, it teaches the noble art of giving and receiving with graciousness.
It is not for you to determine the gift.
If toys are a problem have a cull. The bow cannot possibly cost too much - buy it yourself.

fabulous01 · 25/01/2017 06:22

I would be delighted.

Alexthekid · 25/01/2017 06:30

I am going to go against the grain here and say I think your poem is great. If I received that in an invite I'd think oh what a modest family.

I'd probably stick a £2 coin in though and stick the card to a bag of sweets or bar of chocolate.
Giving a child just 20p when they've invited mine to an expensive party just wouldn't sit right!

MissBeehiving · 25/01/2017 06:35

I pretty much always give cash from about 7 yo up unless I know that the child wants something specific. It seems a pointless waste of money to give something that they don't want or need. Probably a loads of parents will be pleased that you've done it that way. I'd skip the poem though 🙂

VeritysWatchTower · 25/01/2017 06:36

I always ask the parent and say I am more than happy to give cash or a voucher for a shop of your choice.

I am especially aware of this following Christmas where I have no idea what the child was given present wise.

I see you have a Jojo bow fan, everyone would understand money towards that Grin we have a sea of them in our playground.

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