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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset DP is going out?

117 replies

Kione · 24/01/2017 19:45

So DS is 3 weeks today, I had a very traumatic labor and I am struggling with breastfeeding and I scored "quite high" pn the PND test so being referred to GP on Thursday. I also think I have mastities and need to see if I can see someone tomorrow.
Needless to say baby doesn't sleep the night and am feeding every 1-2 hours.
DP's friends are going on a curry night and we justbhad a row as DP said he is going and I said I am terrified of being on my own. He is now acting as if I am unreasonable and I feel awful.
I must say he has been the perfect partner, keeping the house running, cooking and looking after DD who is 7. So he does deserve time off. But I think its too early and I can't face a night on my own.
Now he is angry and I am heartbroken.

OP posts:

Doughnutsandrainbows · 24/01/2017 20:53

I can totally see both sides, I can absolutely understand that you don't want him to go if you're not ready, but can see that he may need a break to - it must be difficult to see you I'll and he may have been looking forward to it. I dont know what the right answer is. Perhaps asking if there is anyway it could be postponed a few weeks might help, but this may not be a logistical possibility.

I think as a loved one any kind of depression is difficult to come to terms with and cope with, particularly when you know you can't help make it all better. So please try not to take to heart of he's been a bit off - he's probably trying to process whilst also being a bit annoyed and not knowing how to express it, as well as dealing with his own emotions after the birth whilst being strong for you.

You will get through this, you are so strong for getting to the point you have, make sure you look after yourself as well as the baby. If you need help make sure you ask someone. X

AcrossthePond55 · 24/01/2017 22:05

I think this is one of those times where compromise will be important.

Can't he go out but not drink or come home a bit early? Perhaps agree to call you a few times during the evening?

Original poster

Kione · 24/01/2017 22:09

They have moved it to the next Saturday and he hopes I will be feeling better then

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TheGrumpySquirrel · 24/01/2017 22:13

Ahh, OP I would feel exactly the same in your situation. Second PP saying that you don't get a break! He needs to be there and support you until you feel better. Glad they've postponed the night out. I wouldn't worry too much about him being distant he's probably finding it hard / a bit overwhelming.

LilacSpatula · 24/01/2017 22:15

You will be okay. Promise. But....

I have a 7 week old and I completely understand. He's meant to be your partner/best friend and if you can't say what you need from him and he listens and responds according then I can completely understand why you're upset

LilacSpatula · 24/01/2017 22:15

Glad to hear he has done just that x

Original poster

Kione · 24/01/2017 22:31

Mole I hope you get help for the PND, I am trying to see a GP tomorrow for the mastities

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reggaesongbird · 24/01/2017 22:33

Dbless your heart. I remember feeling this way. It's hard for people who don't understand how it feels to have pond. Pnd anxiety is hideous. On the one hand, if he's been supporting you well it will have probably been draining from him and he needs to let his hair down as would any career/new parent BUT on the other hand if you're frightened and anxious he needs to make allowances.
He should compromise: go out but come back early not pissed or make arrangements for someone to come to stay with you, someone u feel safe with, could be a nice breath of fresh air for you too. If he can't promise to support you somehow that Eve then he shouldn't go,
Sometimes it's helpful to think of all the worst things that you think could happen and talk about them either on here or irl. Sometimes talking about and rationalising your fears can help them to diminish.
I really hope you can see someone ASAP to help you manage this X

Tellmeagain · 24/01/2017 23:11

I hope you can get antibiotics for the mastitis tomorrow. I had mastitis with a three week old baby (our first) who was constantly feeding and I was on my knees... To have an older child to consider and PND to overcome is a whole different story. Well done you, I hope you get the right support from your partner and the GP.

MLGs · 24/01/2017 23:27

I think he should be home with you too.

alltouchedout · 25/01/2017 11:18

The responsibility for raising children lies with both parents, but inevitably the mother bears the greater burden. That is nature.

For the love of fuck... that is not nature, that is the kind of shit that is stopping us from achieving a genuinely equal society.

Her husband fancies going out with friends for a curry.
She gave birth a few weeks ago. Is breastfeeding. Suspects mastitis. Has probable PND. Has a 7 year old. Is breastfeeding.
Who has the greater need in this situation? The person who fancies going out for a curry with friends, or the person who recently gave birth and is experiencing mental and physical health issues? Sometimes I despair.

Snifftest · 25/01/2017 11:31

I can see both sides here. To continue to be supportive and not burn out he does need to let off steam however I have been where you are. I did 'let' DH go (I put '' as obviously I can't force him not to but I did agree and not make an issue of).

DS is now 1 and I'm in a better place but mine and DHs relationship has suffered and I've gone NC with my best friend, who is also a good friend of DHs. He asked why- my response was that in the first few months of having DS I felt dreadful, and she knew this, but instead of supporting me, her response was to take my husband out drinking. From hindsite, my husband was horrified to look back at how he acted (it was occasionally, not every week).

What I mean is, your DH probably can't see the wood for the trees.

Original poster

Kione · 25/01/2017 17:34

He is the father of DD too, yes.
I am feeling a bit better today but still a bit surprised at his reaction yesterday. He did "sleep" with me and I got cuddles. Still I get upset when I think he will go out on the hardest days of my life.
GP seeing me tomorrow for both PND and possible mastitis (which feels a bit better today, fingers crossed.
At least I've been to town and don't feel dizzy or exhausted, hopefully my blood loss is recovering too.

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Original poster

Kione · 25/01/2017 17:36

Thanks for all your replies, strangely the ones that say he should be with me upset me most cos he won't. But I don't know what I can do about it

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Original poster

Kione · 25/01/2017 17:37

Also I am pissed off as now every time I am upset he'll blame the PND even if it is his doing.

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LilacSpatula · 25/01/2017 18:00

It's really sad and cruel that he's blaming everything on PND. Is it worth having a calm chat and explaining how this makes you feel?

Original poster

Kione · 25/01/2017 18:27

He hasn't done it yet but does it when I have PMS around my periods. I do get bad PMS and really bad temper, but not all is my fault always. Ok, maybe to think he'll do the same is thinking ahead, so we'll see. But I am so disheartened by everything.

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TheHodgeoftheHedge · 25/01/2017 18:44

Apologies if I've missed something but why is the day he is going out for curry "the hardest day of your life"?
I'm not trying to diminish your potential mastitis and pnd but confused about why this one day should be so significant. And is the blood loss from the birth of your DD?

YouTheCat · 25/01/2017 18:59

Can you not just have a chat with him about being a bit more sensible with the drink and coming home at a reasonable time?

Tbh my ex was out within hours of me getting home from the hospital with twins and that pretty much went on throughout our marriage. I coped but appreciate it certainly didn't feel like I could at the time. Wish I'd had MN then.

TheGrumpySquirrel · 25/01/2017 19:10

OP has mastitis, PND and blood loss. This is not a straightforward post partum situation. Shocked at some of these responses. No way should the partner even be thinking about curry night!

ChasingAPinkBall · 25/01/2017 19:12

This happened with me and my 1st baby and I was in pretty much the same scenario as you with baby. I was terrified but he went and I survived.
It all went fine until 1am when he woke me coming in and I'd literally only just managed to get the baby to sleep. Cue me crying and not being able to sleep for the rest of the night.
He's since said he wishes he didn't go but he didn't realise how bad I was feeling with the PND and if he'd have known he'd have stayed home to support me.

Like pp have said the op doesn't get to swan off for a curry and why should she be concerned about him burning out when it's clearly her that is in danger of that!

I'd try being brutally honest and telling him exactly how bad you feel with the PND and ask him to please not go as you feel you need the support.
If he still insists come to a compromise where he goes but comes home at a reasonable time to help you.

Your mental health is more important than him getting to chill out with his mates and he should see that.

Biggles398 · 25/01/2017 19:21

I've just seen it's been moved, but let him go. You WILL cope, and then you'll be pleased with yourself for coping!
But do have a chat (no shouting matches) with him about exactly how you're feeling, and ask if he could curb how much he drinks, "Just in case" you Don't cope (but you will!!).
Then enjoy your evening watching whatever you want on tv, eating all the stuff you want :)

laurzj82 · 25/01/2017 19:35

Sorry I might have missed it but why will it be the hardest day of your life? Hope you get some Meds or something from GP. PND is the worst. Sorry but I do think you should let him go. You've managed while he's at work so the anxiety is just that and you're delaying the inevitable. He will go out at some point soon. Perhaps as a compromise he could not drink? And obviously a well deserved night in return whether that be out or a nice bath or some lovely sleep zzz Hope you're feeling better soon

Original poster

Kione · 25/01/2017 22:10

"Hardest days", I didn't mean that exact day, but those days from the traumatic birth to recovery. Maybe others have gone throught really shit stuff here but I have never been this unwell before. That is what I meant.
I thank you for encouraging me to have a good evening, but I don't see it. My anxiety creeps up at night so its not the same as when I am on my own during the day. I think only those that have been in similar situations might understand. It is not something rational. If it was it wouldn't be PND.
Today DS son has not slept in the whole day and I

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Original poster

Kione · 25/01/2017 22:11

Am getting worked up about tonight. I just can't cope

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