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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset DP is going out?

117 replies

Kione · 24/01/2017 19:45

So DS is 3 weeks today, I had a very traumatic labor and I am struggling with breastfeeding and I scored "quite high" pn the PND test so being referred to GP on Thursday. I also think I have mastities and need to see if I can see someone tomorrow.
Needless to say baby doesn't sleep the night and am feeding every 1-2 hours.
DP's friends are going on a curry night and we justbhad a row as DP said he is going and I said I am terrified of being on my own. He is now acting as if I am unreasonable and I feel awful.
I must say he has been the perfect partner, keeping the house running, cooking and looking after DD who is 7. So he does deserve time off. But I think its too early and I can't face a night on my own.
Now he is angry and I am heartbroken.

OP posts:
MTB1003 · 24/01/2017 20:20

Yanbu, I know about that feeling of not wanting to be alone with a newbornFlowersmy dh was invited on a once in a year get together and he declined, I only found out later. He knew how difficult it was and his priority was the baby and I.

Munchkin1412 · 24/01/2017 20:21

I would be upset about this and I'm really generally very easygoing about that sort of thing. But you're ill. He should be there. In other circumstances it would be perfectly fine but not in your circumstances.

TooSmittle · 24/01/2017 20:22

You say he's not been so nice since the PND test score? Could he be suffering too? From your posts it sounds as if he's wonderfully supportive normally, is he very worried about you and wanting a quick breather in order to regroup and gather strength?

I don't think YABU not wanting him to go, the birth and subsequent struggles with sleep and BF have knocked you sideways and right now you're struggling. That's OK, babies are hard! Well done for speaking up about what you need and how you're feeling, it can be a hard thing to do when you're already feeling fragile.

Presumably it's too late now and the decision has been made already, but for what it's worth I don't think either of you have been unreasonable. If he's gone out I hope you're ok, this evening will pass and everything will seem better in the morning.

HyacinthsBucket · 24/01/2017 20:22

I wouldn't have an issue with him going out, but I'd have a big issue with him drinking.

littledinaco · 24/01/2017 20:25

I don't think he should have gone.
Especially if you think you have mastitis, it can make you feel horrendous. I had it years ago and I think it was the most ill I have ever been, I literally couldn't hold the baby. It can also get worse quite rapidly.

Regardless of the mastitis, I wouldn't have wanted to spend an evening on my own when baby was 3 weeks old, having the moral support and someone to do nappies, etc makes all the difference. I think he is really selfish going, he should have stayed in and got a curry takeaway together.

Original poster
Kione · 24/01/2017 20:25

He sleeps badly as it is, so a baby in the room would make it worse. He is a manager so has to be on some form.
I just feel since I told him about the PND he has gone off me or something

OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 24/01/2017 20:27

No, this is next saturday. He's here now. Not talking much.

OP posts:
manhowdy · 24/01/2017 20:27

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all Kione. The fact he's been supportive so far is neither here nor there, because he shouldn't be anything less than supportive! He can get pissed and eat curry when baby is more settled and you are feeling better.

PurpleDaisies · 24/01/2017 20:28

I'm confused-the curry night isn't tonight?

MrsGB2015 · 24/01/2017 20:29

The endless middle of the night feeds can be really lonely and exhausting, esp when it doesn't seem like there's any light at the end of the tunnel.
Can you both sit down and have a proper chat tomorrow?

HoneyBeeMum1 · 24/01/2017 20:31

It sounds like you are having a difficult time Kione and I completely understand why you do not want your husband to go out.

However, I think it would be better for both of you if he was to go with your blessing. Fatherhood should not be a trial and your husband should not have to be a martyr to prove that he is a 'good' father and husband.

The responsibility for raising children lies with both parents, but inevitably the mother bears the greater burden. That is nature.

It is clearly important to your husband that he goes out with his friends for a curry. I do not see any merit in the argument that he should not go, just because you can't.

I think it would be reasonable for him to make a few concessions, though. For example, not to drink while he is out (or at least limit his drinking) and to come home at a reasonable time.

Good luck. Flowers

Soubriquet · 24/01/2017 20:31

Next Saturday? So not tonight

Are we talking the Saturday coming up or the one after that?

If it's the one after that, I think you're being a bit hasty.

You never know how you might feel that day

WyfOfBathe · 24/01/2017 20:34

I think you might be being a bit unreasonable to not let him go at all. My DD2 is 5 weeks old and I'm breastfeeding so I can't go out for the evening, but if DH wanted to go out for a bit then I would be okay - I don't really understand why I would make him sit at home just because I am.

However, he is definitely BU to go out and get so drunk that he's incapable for the rest if the night. Can you make a compromise, for example he can go out for an hour, have some curry and 1 pint, as long as he then comes back home and looks after you and DD?

loaferloveforyou · 24/01/2017 20:35

Can you get a friend round to keep you company?

If it was me I would let him go, but I'm not you and totally get where you are coming from.

Is he going far from home? If it all gets too much could you then ask him to come home as sort of a half way agreement?

Serialweightwatcher · 24/01/2017 20:35

What about you having a rest - sod him - I think he is being unreasonable and should get a takeout and stay in with you. You're obviously not feeling good and why should he get time out when you obviously can't, especially when you need him with you Flowers

kittybiscuits · 24/01/2017 20:36

Kione is he the father of your other children?

kittybiscuits · 24/01/2017 20:37

*Child - sorry- autocorrect

Olswitcharoo · 24/01/2017 20:37

I think you are being a little bit unreasonable. It's just one evening, he's not going away on a bender. Give him this and think of something you would like in return, a trip to the hairdressers, a foot/back massage, all nappies changed (by him) for 24 hrs. I know you are not currently in a position to go for a curry night or the equivalent with your friends but this doesn't mean that he shouldn't do it this once.

TooSmittle · 24/01/2017 20:38

Oh, I was confused too and thought he was off out tonight.

Unless there are other issues you haven't mentioned I really do think it's panic and worry that's making him behave differently towards you since you told him about the PND score. I get the sense he's desperate to be strong, sad you're not well and likely feeling a bit helpless. Wanting to go out is perhaps a bit of a red herring and not the real reason he's having a bit of a struggle this evening.

Please try not to get stuck in a spiral of negative thought about it. Let it lie for tonight and approach him tomorrow about why he's been different towards you.

ChocoChou · 24/01/2017 20:40

Could you ask him to compromise and only go for... say.. 2 hours? And to drive

Believeitornot · 24/01/2017 20:42

I remember the sense of panic when DH was going to go out and I had a newborn plus a toddler. I didn't want him to go and a part of me wanted him to not be so silly and stay at home.

I realised I was being silly and he went. But it wasn't a regular occurrence and it wasn't until both were older that socialising for more frequent.

I would "let" him go and say that you might need him around if you're unwell on the day itself.

JennyOnAPlate · 24/01/2017 20:45

Yanbu kione. I've had pnd so completely understand the anxiety surrounding being left alone. Evening/night time were the absolute worst time of day for me.

Please do be honest with your gp and health visitor. There is help available and you will get better Flowers

PM me if you want to talk.

Original poster
Kione · 24/01/2017 20:46

It is this coming saturday. I don't not want him to go out because I am breastfeeding but because I am unwell.
We are talking now at least. He is going to ask to move it to next Saturday. By then he says I should be on medication and feeling better.

He said he'd sleep with me tonight but he is still distant :(
It might be panic as someone has said

OP posts:
Molehillfromamountain · 24/01/2017 20:47

YANBU. My DS is older than yours but I feel on the verge of PND too. It was very difficult to voice it to DH and he seemed to be "off" with me afterwards for a few days, he has since done a complete u turn and is being very supportive, coming up with ideas to help alleviate my woes. I can only hope yours will do the same.
Re the mastitis please go to the gp asap, it can make you feel so awful all this will feel 10x worse.

Fireandflames666 · 24/01/2017 20:52

Why does her partner deserve a break though?. Feeling that bad after a birth needs constant support. I think your partner is being selfish and massivly unreasonable.