Overweight teen in denial

[Rarelondon]

14 yr old dd has gained alot of weight very quickly. She has always been a bit chubby but has quite shockingly gained so much so quickly! I keep having to by bigger clothes and she is now several dress sizes bigger than me.
I am worried and try every approach in talking to her. I provide nothing but healthy meals and snacks. But she is clearly over eating out of the house or stealing extra food.
I caught her sneakily stirring a ton of butter into soup recently and asked her why she would do that and she would not engage convo instead saying it fell in!
I have exercise equipment I encourage her to use and dvds dumbbells etc
She says there is NO problem and she doesn't see the weight gain.
I said to her your clothes are splitting and I can't afford to replace everything.
She refuses groups, seeing a nurse and sporting activities.
Aibu in deciding to become more forceful with helping her.
For e.g.. you can have your phone when you have done 30mins exercise.
Not giving her money when she goes out with friends as i know it will go on junk food.
I think I have tried everything. I have showed her ted talks on nutrition, I have a treadmill smoothie maker at her disposal but she refuses to use it.
I can't bare seeing her like this and then just laying around in her room after school.
She has friends does well in school and will not acknowledge weight gain. She is closely becoming an adult size 16/18.
This might also be a bit of a wwyd?
I would really appreciate others ideas/opinions?

Oh and we have been discussing a family pet anyway. She has asked me for years for a puppy but until our recent move we just didn't have enough space.
Just a positive idea not a decision at this point! I do believe in the healing power of animals and if I did get a puppy or re home an older dog it would be a family member - Not just a weight loss aid!
I have decided that tonight we will go through her room and I will clean it up with her and chat whilst we are doing that.
A friend suggested this to me as it's therapeutic in itself. But I will be checking in to read and re read comments, there is a few really good points and suggestions peppered in there.
I don't think name calling is useful in any situation tbh though and kind of overshadows any point you are trying to make. This isn't about shame it's the complete and total opposite. It's genuine concern and asking for advice

She used to do martial arts up until about a year ago but won't go anymore. I will mention to her maybe joining up again or see if there is anything she wants to try

Also Thank you to everyone for your advice and I'm reading the link on eating disorders now before I talk to her.

Are her periods regular ? You say she had early puberty .. PCOS could be at play here and contributing to weight gain caused by hormones, it can also make a sufferer crave carb heavy foods, read up on it, try get her to track her cycle, anything greater than 35 days counts as irregular. If this is the case she needs support not judgment

It's very difficult to strike a balance as a parent. There will be people in adulthood who attribute their weight issues to always being expected to clear their plate and being fed large amounts of food by large parents in childhood. And those who were fed healthier foods by slim parents who took pride in being slim who pointed out they were gaining weight or over-eating and that wasn't a good thing and they attribute their weight issues in adulthood to that.

Over-eating can often have an emotional/psychological cause but it can't always be pathologised. Some people just like eating a lot of high-calorie foods because they taste nice. Some people are just greedy - that is still a thing!. My Mum is a greedy person. I put butter or double cream into most things I cook and eat a lot of animal fat. I like it. It tastes nice. But I'm not greedy like my Mum is so I'm not overweight. She likes the same foods I do but eats too much.

Some overweight people really struggle with it and don't like themselves much. Some genuinely don't give a shit what other people think and enjoy their eating and think they look fine or if they don't think that, they don't care what other people think.

For every pro-ana website, there is a similar one seemingly promoting or supporting being overweight and how fantastic and gorgeous it can be. Buzzfeed regularly has articles saying 'these women shouldn't be in bikinis' then a series of photos of very, very overweight women in bikinis with captions like ' because she's too damn hot' or the like. There have been threads on MN about Tess Holiday for example with people saying how fantastic it is that she is beautiful and is encouraging other women to not be ashamed that they're overweight and love their bodies because they're gorgeous.

And I don't think anyone SHOULD be ashamed of being overweight. What I'm saying is there is a BBW movement and a lot of those women will tell you that the suggestion that they are depressed or mentally ill or must be unhappy with their weight is offensive to them.

Rarelondon I just wanted to say that your thread has really struck a chord with me. I have a very overweight 11 year old (150cm and 9st 12). He is also T1 diabetic, not I hasten to add because of his weight - T1 is an autoimmune condition - but the insulin he has to take can cause weight gain.

Since his diagnosis at the age of 5 his weight gain has consistently outstripped that of his height. We and his consultant and dietitian, have worked really hard to avoid this but it has happened nonetheless. His 14 year old brother, same family diet (healthy, home cooked, lowish carb, lots of veg, no biscuits, cakes on birthdays etc...) is and always has been a stick. I have been at my wits end. Ds2 is averagely active, enjoys TV and X-box but we have a dog and do lots of family walks and bike-rides. Some of his friends on the other hand are far less active, eat crisps, choc, sweets ad hoc and are literally half the size. It is very upsetting.

I don't have a solution, I wish I did. Short of turning our home into a boot camp for DS2 I don't know what more we can do.

What I really wanted to say is just love her. And don't be judged by people who will try to say it's your lifestyle, portion sizes, parenting etc. Sometimes, just sometimes, it isn't.

On a slightly tangential note, if you do go down the puppy route - and you should be very careful about being sure you're happy to have one long term, potentially with you doing all the work while your daughter heads off to university - please research it carefully and take advice from your vet to get a suitable breed (or indeed, a suitable rescue).

It would be a lovely way for your daughter to get fit if she is an animal person and is keen to have a dog, but some popular breeds are very intolerant of exercise themselves and would be completely pointless given your purpose in getting one, aside from the welfare concerns for the animal itself.

Aside from that, obviously, the very best of luck in tackling this situation.

My 5ft3 inch daughter is obese and wears a size 18.

My advice: you can't control her eating or her exercise. Have healthy foods in the house and encourage her to join you on walks. Don't go on at her. She knows she's overweight. You nagging constantly won't help, it's got to come from her.

My dd may lose weight she she chooses to, or she may continue to be overweight or even get bigger. That is her choice and her right. I will try to accept her as she is. It's hard but it really is the only way.

I would rule out anything medical inc diabetes, hypothyroidism and PCOS. Could you both go to more fun exercise classes like clubbercise or Zumba where the emphasis is not on diet but on dancing and having fun? I think some teenagers see activities as something that kids do, not grown ups IYSWIM. I would also implement practical things like giving a clothing allowance so that she is in charge of buying her clothes- I was an overweight 19year old who refused to buy bigger clothes and put myself on a diet because I was too mean to buy bigger clothes! At 14 you are neither a child or an adult but you are too old to be told what to wear, or what to think.

I would keep no crap food in the house, meal plan with her for the family, create a food budget to help her prepare for leaving home and involve her at every turn. You sound like a caring and thoughtful mum who is trying her hardest.

Haven't read all the thread, but has anyone pointed out recent studies to you OP?

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/health/news/11086483/Fat-shaming-makes-people-eat-more-rather-than-less.html

(Sorry for the telegraph link - first one I could find!)

Pointing out and shaming people for being overweight actually causes weight gain. There are plenty of people commenting who were in the same position as your daughter, who say that having someone negatively comment on their diet and weight was unhelpful - listen to them.

Your daughter is struggling, and that's hard to watch as a parent. Spend time with her, and show her how special and valued she is, regardless of her weight. We live in such an image and weight obsessed society, it wouldn't be a surprise if she had low self esteem, and this was affecting her view of herself and her body. Then maybe she will start to value herself and look after her health. But it has to come from her, not you. Don't turn this into a battle, something she can use to rebel against you.

Good luck to you and your lovely daughter!

Forgot to mention:
Perhaps she is using food as a coping strategy.
Whilst this is unhelpful, it is generally a bad idea to remove a coping strategy without a new one being in place. People need to cope somehow! Maybe you could focus on stress management techniques with your daughter, work on better coping strategies?

reallyanotherone

You could have been writing about my mother! She took me to a weight loss club when I was 12yo and kept a food diary for me. She controlled my food my whole life, discouraged seconds and I had to ask before I could take even a piece of fruit or a yoghurt. She would say no if she thought I shouldn't be hungry at that time

I stole food, even sneaking past my parents with biscuits stuffed into my socks so they wouldn't see the lump in my pockets. I once locked myself in the bathroom and ate toffee sauce straight from the pack I got a weekend job when I was 15 and started buying my own junk food, gorging myself in secret until I was a size 22 at 17yo.

I'm still fat and have been anywhere between 12st 7 and 16st 7 in the past few years (I'm only 5' 4). I fully blame my mother for my fucked up relationship with food. My brother is also fat thanks to her meddling.

My husband has terrible anxiety, panic attacks, binges and he used to suffer terribly from bulimia thanks to the comments from his mother and grandmother about his appearance.

OP. Do ignore a lot of the bunk commentary on here. You clearly care deeply for your daughter and your concern is understandable. I would follow the advice of others who have suggested getting a GP appointment to check for thyroid etc and take things from there. I had a ln obsession with food and diet and an eating disorder from the age of 13. It was from being insecure and anxious about growing up and bring too immature to talk about it all. It wasn't caused by my mother going on about my eating or weight or dieting herself (she did none of these things). The issues were in me. Try and spend positive time with your daughter and let her know you are there for her. The reasons she overeats may be complex, perhaps Cognitive behavioural therapy could help her, it helped me a good bit. I wish you the best with it.

As an obese person can I give you my point of view. When anyone goes on about slimming world and dieting it actually makes me want to eat all the more. If someone was "encouraging g me to eat more healthily" I'd want to tell them to fuck off. I love food. I was slim as a child and teenager. Now I'm fat. Your daughter may be thw opposite. Let her know you love her unconditionally. I honestly cannot get past the obsession with being slim. I know a couple where it has been very obvious all the time in subtle ways that weight/being slim was all important in their life. Mother at one point confided in me that her 16 year old daughter had been in tears at he thought of showing her (size 8) figure in shorts for sports lessons. Mother didnt see the connection at all. Please don't give your daughter a complex about food. It really isn't the end of the world not to be slim. If she's happy can't you just accept her for what she is. You sound to me like you are overly invested in her weight and come across to me as you find her failing in that one area of her life. I really hope that's not how it comes across to her

It is not that I find her failing when she is a grown woman she can obviously make her own choices surrounding her body but right now she is my 14 year old daughter who I am responsible for. I know there is a bbw movement and thats great if thats your choice as an adult and it works for you but she is a teenager so it is my job to guide her. I want to equipt her from a health stand point for her future.
This isn't about vanity.
I have spoken with her and actually she did all the talking. She does want to lose weight but thinks it will be too hard it seems. I barely said anything it's like she was psychic she came in the door and told me she had been lifting weights in p.e today and that she had chosen a salad at lunch. I nearly fainted.
I have said il help her however she needs it and drove home that this is not about fitting into some perfect model or that she has to change to please me or anyone but herself.
It's about shedding weight she had picked up that she doesn't need that slows her down.
I have planned a girly weekend coming up for just me and her and will discuss some changes we can make with her then.
There was no eye rolling or aggression at all I don't think she even knew I wanted to address this with her she just opened up.
I don't want her going on a diet its all about raising her self esteem so that she makes good choices for herself. I will make a doctor's appointment tommorow just to rule out anything else that could be going on. Including pcos but I think her periods are pretty regular. She may have other symptoms though like the craving carbs and sugar, and tiredness.
I know this food addiction won't go away over night, and I am not discussing the ins and outs of it with her like I am doing here because I don't want the obsession to sneak food etc to become the obsession with restricting it or fad diets. I will use some of the tips and advice people have kindly posted and try to find a happier balance.

I have this issue with my 16 year old son. Since Christmas he has lost a stone without doing any exercise however it has been a slog.

We have no food in the house apart from fruit and staples like tinned tomatoes, eggs, pasta etc. Every day I go to the shop on the way home and buy ingredients for whatever we will eat that evening. If there's anything available he will eat it, I feel so mean but it's working. Luckily there's only the two of us but it's such a faff on.

The fact he's lost so much tells me he was over-eating, part of our issue is he's a great cook. He has no issue knocking up chocolate brownies or meringues. If there's bread he will quite happily make himself s steak or chicken sandwich.

He's so pleased with the weight loss and lots of people have noticed and are telling him how well he's done (he's down to 14 stone now, he's about 5,5)

Tomorrow I'm going to try buying for 3 or 4 nights and see how we get on, I feel like I'm having to re-train his appetite. It's so hard, I've also taken all his Christmas money off him so he can't buy sweets and put it into his account - have told him he can have it whenever he wants but only for an approved purchase. I feel like an ogre but I know I have to do it now before it gets any worse!

Sounds very positive OP and you are right to support her in making the changes so she can lead a healthy life. I cannot understand some PPs saying that you should just accept your 14 year old DD being overweight and that you are the one with the problem

If more parents took a more pro active approach rather than dismissing childhood obesity as 'puppy fat' we would have a lot less overweight children growing up to be more overweight adults with serious health issues.

I think everyone has covered most of the advice. Something that stood out to me though was you said she enjoyed skating but wasn't very good at it. I was wondering if you could offer to pay for lessons for her if that is financially viable for you?
It doesn't need to be presented as a weigh loss thing, just the opportunity to get better at an activity she enjoys which would raise her self esteem.

mysteriouscurle "It really isn't the end of the world not to be slim."

I don't give two shits about my obese dd's appearance. She looks gorgeous, big or small. However, I really care and feel absolutely gutted when I see that she's struggling to climb a flight of stairs, that she has PCOS and may suffer infertility linked to her weight, that her back hurts after she's been at work for a few hours because she's put so much weight on her breasts she's now wearing a K cup bra, that her joints are beginning to hurt, that she's at risk of type 2 diabetes because she comes from a family with type 1, type 2 and gestational diabetes AND she's obese. She's 17 and she hasn't known what it feels like for her body to work really well since she was at primary school. She gets more tired than she should - I suspect she has mild sleep apnea which is likely to get worse, she suffers from reflux because the weight she's carrying around her middle puts pressure on her body on the inside. She finds exercise hard because she's dragging around 50lbs of weight that her small frame shouldn't be carrying. Her legs rub together at the top. She can't run AT ALL.

I'm 50 and I know obese women my age who are now partially disabled because of their obesity - they have all sorts of problems with their joints. I don't want this to be my dd. I feel so sad for her that she may well never experience the joy of really good adult health and a body which does what she wants it to do.

Her father was fat. She is fat. It's not the end of the world. Some people are fat. They are still attractive, popular people. James Corden, Adele, Dawn French, Ed Balls etc etc etc.

No, it's not the end of the world but it is very bad for your health and for most people their self esteem. I'm saying this as someone who still has a stone of baby weight to lose 6 months after giving birth so by no means skinny! A size 18 is huge for a 5"5 14 yo and is a big deal. I'm 5"4 size 12 and too big.

Op I think getting a puppy is a good idea. You sound like someone who cares about her daughter very much.

My mum was always on at me about my weight. I was never particularly overweight. The largest I would ever have been was a 10. I did have a period where I had a problem with my eating and became very skinny. I don't think she went about things the right way (standard) but I'm actually grateful that I didn't just slowly get bigger and bigger. I know I will get jumped on for this but I can see the OPs point. I'm glad I didn't go through school feeling like I couldn't wear the clothes my friends could, like boys might judge me, like I'd not be picked for teams. I'm glad I didn't have to start retraining unhealthy eating habits that were ingrained. I think sometimes a mums job is to do what's unpleasant and hard for the greater good. Yes you can be overweight and happy but it's not a healthy choice for your body and OP owes it to her daughter to try and help her.

Awww OP, that's great development!! You are obviously doing the right thing. Keep it up! Losing weight is hard work! She is right. Maybe this is a project you and her can embark on together? It's a win-win-win -- you lose weight, she loses weight, and you get closer to each other in the process!

Great update OP. You sound fab!