Overweight teen in denial

[Rarelondon]

14 yr old dd has gained alot of weight very quickly. She has always been a bit chubby but has quite shockingly gained so much so quickly! I keep having to by bigger clothes and she is now several dress sizes bigger than me.
I am worried and try every approach in talking to her. I provide nothing but healthy meals and snacks. But she is clearly over eating out of the house or stealing extra food.
I caught her sneakily stirring a ton of butter into soup recently and asked her why she would do that and she would not engage convo instead saying it fell in!
I have exercise equipment I encourage her to use and dvds dumbbells etc
She says there is NO problem and she doesn't see the weight gain.
I said to her your clothes are splitting and I can't afford to replace everything.
She refuses groups, seeing a nurse and sporting activities.
Aibu in deciding to become more forceful with helping her.
For e.g.. you can have your phone when you have done 30mins exercise.
Not giving her money when she goes out with friends as i know it will go on junk food.
I think I have tried everything. I have showed her ted talks on nutrition, I have a treadmill smoothie maker at her disposal but she refuses to use it.
I can't bare seeing her like this and then just laying around in her room after school.
She has friends does well in school and will not acknowledge weight gain. She is closely becoming an adult size 16/18.
This might also be a bit of a wwyd?
I would really appreciate others ideas/opinions?

op could she have started taking the pill? I did at that age and ballooned in weight.

Also I was chubby before and a bit after because I just didn't care at that age. I still had mates and boyfriends and stuff and the idea of being overweight then being a problem in the future just didn't click.

I changed at uni, I think because I just stopped thinking I was invincible like teenagers do.

This rings a lot of bells with me too.

My mum was always trying to "help" me with my weight. Always commenting on what i ate, whether it was "fattening" or "slimming". She was always dieting or talking about how she needed to get her diet started. Still does. From about 12 she decided i needed to start "watching my figure".

And so the endless roundabout started. Her trying to limit my food, tiny portions, discouraging treats and seconds. Me having no issue with my weight at all trying any other way I could to get food without her knowing, and facing the disapproval. The approval i got when i'd not asked for bigger portions or turned down a treat pissed me off too, patronising.

I got so focussed on eating when she wasn't about that i stopped listening to my appetite and did end up overweight. I've had a shitty relationship with food ever since.

The other thing is my siblings were also seen as "slim", and were encouraged to eat more, given seconds, allowed chocolate, while i wasn't. That pushed me even further down the "i can eat it if i want" path.

It's very difficult, but i'd back off.

OP you sound like an absolute nightmare and she is probably pushing back, take note of how many times you bring up/think about her weight in a day, perhaps its really your issue about her weight you need to deal with and not her

Also some one suggested a puppy which actually might not be a bad idea to get her moving and exercising without really thinking about it. As long as she doesn't lose interest and then im stuck raising the kids and a puppy on my own !
She has actually asked for one before so that could be an idea..
Oh and she is definitely not pregnant. We have open chats about sex, relationships etc. Absolutely no chance.
I am now wondering if getting her to 'secretly' increase her exercise disguised as 'fun' or walking possible puppy for example could even help with/cure any depression she could be struggling with.
Because as far as i understand exercise is recommended to alleviate depression?

I don't think i am being a nightmare. I love her, I am responsible for her and i want the best for her. I will try anything to help her and give her the best start in life. I don' t see how that can be construed as me being a nightmare?

OP the puppy is a fab idea, but it will only really work if you pitch it as "her" puppy which she has to walk before and after school, and which she needs to take to behavioural classes etc. Otherwise as you say you'll be back in square one but with a puppy on your plate too.

I think all you can do is carry on with the healthy eating/portion control/exercise promotion but lay off the nagging about her weight. There will come a time when she realises she is the 'big one' amongst her group and want to do something about it herself but until you get into that mindset then she will think she's fine as she is.

Sorry but I disagree with getting a puppy. A dog shouldn't be a novelty, what happens if dd loses interest in walking it, will you re home it?

You sound a bit like my mum. Kind hearted but always on at me. Even behind my back I could sense the atmosphere whenever I ate anything I found it patronising and I rebelled against it, eating even more. Im still overweight, she's responsible for my relationship with food. With that in mind I would just back right off. You say she's intelligent so let her come to this realisation herself. She's far more likely to do something about it if its her own idea.
I have an overweight 9 yo dd, other two dc normal weight & she came to me recently asking what she could do about her tummy rolls it seems so unfair she has to deal with this/& her siblings don't

Yes i would pitch it to her as her puppy. Plus her siblings are too young to care for one anyway. I will have to get proper commitment from her if we go down that road, but atleast it is a very non threatening fun approach.
I will try to have a heart to heart with her later today and get a feel for what course of action to choose.
There has been some really good suggestions.
Also taking her to get her thyroid checked and getting her to go on the grounds of medical concerns. I would also like to say i am not chipping away at her about her weight all day i am talking about it alot for the purpose of the thread being about it!
Thanks for all your insight, stories and suggestions

I think a puppy is a good idea but.... turn it round, engineer a way where she's nagging you for a puppy, if she thinks its your idea to make her lose weight that'll backfire massively. Have you got a friend with a dog? Could she 'prove' to you she's responsible enough by walking a friends dog for a while?
Basically , stop mentioning food/weight!

Speaking as a formerly chubby teen:
Back off.
It looks to me like a lot of issues are at play here and stuff like sneaking butter into soup sounds like something I would have done.
I would give her a little more control about what and how she eats. It may seem counter intuitive but right now she is gorging whenever she gets the chance any way.
At this point all you can do is offer and help her make the right decisions.
Take a step back, you seem very upset about her weight gain and it seems you talk to her about it frequently. Again: this is understandable but all she will hear is: "I'm not good enough."
This is what I would do:
1.Offer mostly healthy food. Let her eat it. If she wants seconds give her seconds, if she wants butter in it let her put butter in.

1. Lead by example. Don't comfort eat. Snack on fruit and veg. Enjoy the occasional biscuit or burger without making a big deal of it.
2. Invite her on walks and outings but let her stay home if she wants to. I would encourage her to take a turn at planning an outing as well.
3. Don't treat treats or downtime as a reward. By all means limit the use of phones and screens but don't link it to sports.
4. Look into what is troubling her but let her come to you. Dragging a teen off to therapy or a nutrionist is counterproductive. Be there. Be interested but give her space.
5. Make sure she knows that she knows you love her and think she is great. Regardless of her size. She will feel pretty cap about herself now anyway. She needs to know you are proud of her. Be positive about her art even though you might think she should be excercising instead. Built up her self-esteem.
6. Don't cut off her pocket money. She's a teen, she will find a way to get cash if you withhold it. Maybe even turn this into a learning opportunity. Offer her a more generous allowance on the condition that she will need to buy everything from it: clothes, books, sweets. She might blow the first month on sweets, maybe even the first few months but slowly she will learn to budget for sweets and be aware of the cost of things.

But whatever you do: don't link it about her weight to her.

1. She knows. She knows she is overweight. She knows what she should be doing. She knows it is harmful. You made this point to her. Now let her use that information.

And finally: So she's fat. She might lose the weight or she might not. Is she less loveable as a fat kid? Less smart? Less kind? Many people are day and it's not the life sentence many people on mumsnet like to see it as. She can be a happy, healthy, loved, attractive and successful adult even if she also happens to be fat.

Going to read later. My just turned 13 Year old is overweight ( size 12 bottom and 10 top but short too.
Looking forward to getting some tips. The slimming world thing looks good.

Great post from someonestole. Really agree with that advice.

Also I would think very carefully about the idea of a puppy. If she is a really sensible teen who would be 100% committed to caring for it properly then fine. I've known families who have bought puppies on a whim to then have them rehomed when they realised just how much work they entail. It's almost like another baby. They need a lot of care as puppies. Mine did at least.

How about getting her into cooking?

Ooh, this pushed a few buttons.

I'm not saying you're like this OP, but my mother put me on my first "diet" when I was 8. Looking back on photographs at myself at that age, a was a tall and lanky little thing. The "diet" consisted of huge portions, and insisting I have dessert, made to sit at the table until I'd cleared my plate. BUT NO SNACKING! Not even an apple.

It's caused me to have an unhealthy relationship with food - I only eat once a day. And when I mentioned in a (rare) telephone conversation with her that the ADs I'm prescribed have caused me to gain weight, she told me I should stop taking them. To her, my appearance is more important than my MH.

The last time I went to visit her, I was a healthy size 12 (5' 10"), and hitting the gym everyday. She told me to "Keep at it, you need to lose more weight."

Tread carefully OP, tread carefully.

I'm on the fence with this because it's such a touchy subject and can cause lifelong issues. On one hand she is possibly due a growth spurt and if she maintains her weight you'll be surprised at how they slim down when they grow taller. She may also discover boys and lose the weight.

On the other hand her eating habits are very poor indeed. In fact it seems she's doing it deliberately, like if she can't be slim, she may as well be really fat, it's becoming part of her identity and she's into a vicious circle.

I'd talk about things that can help her lose weight without deprivation. I'd be wary of a puppy though, you're going to end up doing the majority of the work for that, no two ways about it. And considering they live for about 12 years, you'll have the dog till she's 26.

Just reading the OP made me feel stressed. You are putting so much pressure on and there is no doubt at all that the pressure will make any issues that are causing the weight gain worse.

I am really shocked that you have already raised her weight as a problem. It is hard to explain why but that just makes the guilt and dysfunction around food so much worse when you are overweight.

She is still young enough for everything to change, but if she becomes obsessed with her weight and diets now she could be locked into a binge and diet cycle for decades, for life perhaps. Being overweight now does not mean she will have problems in the future. Being pressured now and having more anxiety about food does.

It is a bit late to undo the damage but back off on the weight. Do not mention it, never ever guilt her about food. Focus on improving her mental state generally and taking food and weight out of it. If this is self harming then making weight gain and overeating this taboo thing will only make that worse. Neutralise them a bit. Self hatred and shame never made anyone take better care of their bodies.

Make sure healthy eating is modelled for her and options available, but put no pressure on about it. Say nothing about appearance and clothes except for compliments. It may go against the grain to act as if her being fat is ok with you, but believe me stigmatising it will make the cycle worse. If she is ever going to be slimmer then feeling confident and happy is the starting point for that.

Do not make exercise about weight loss. Promote it as something to enjoy but not as a weight loss tool, it is mostly diet anyway. You'd have to exercise for hours and hours every day to offset even the tiniest increase in food.

I agree with someone very good advice, my sister and mum were always on diets, talking about weight and how fat they were, they weren't, and now surprise surprise I always think about diets and am always thinking that I'm fat! I would kind of ignore what's going on but let your daughter know you are there if she needs support.

When I was a teenager I used to eat cream cheese spread onto a tea plate with cheddar cheese grilled on top of it. I would do it everyday after school but no one ever knew because I was alone in the house. I wouldn't have dared to do it when there was anyone in the house because I was ashamed of what I was doing.
I don't recall why I did it. I was a chubby child/teenager and I think I really struggled with how I looked but at the same time I couldn't say no to food. When I hit my late teens (17/18) I lost a lot of the weight through more exercise and eating less. It was partly planned and partly because my life style just changed when I went to college.
It happened again about 5 years ago when I switched to a different job that involved more regular hours and having to walk to and from work. However, this wasn't especially a good thing because I went a bit too far with it and was underweight for a while. I would not say I have ever had an eating disorder but my relationship with food and my own body image is not as healthy as it could be.
I think that this stems from my mums obsession with dieting. From the earliest memories I have of my mum she was always on a diet and to this day is always talking about her weight. I'm 28 now and it still bothers me this obsession with weight.
My advice to you is carry on feeding her healthy meals and making sure she is getting the nutrition she needs from you. If she asks you for more food just say no. Don't argue or make it a big thing that she's asking. The sneaking food is probably very shameful for her so I wouldn't push that either. Obviously it is a worry for you that she is a lot larger than she should be but there may come a point when she realises that she isn't as healthy as she could be and she will do something about it herself.
I hope that helps a little, I'm just going on my own experience!!

OP, just want to tell you that I understand your sense of urgency and that you are doing the right thing. You love your dd and don't want her to end up having a lifetime of weight and health issues. I think getting a puppy is a great idea, just make sure she is committed to it. Or maybe get a job as a dog walker first? She can exercise and make money.

Do you have any theory as to why she has suddenly started to gain weight? Did something happen recently that upset her? Could she be depressed? I know you say that she seems happy, but I've had to inform a parent that her 13yo dd is cutting herself and another one that her 16yo dd is doing rx drugs when both girls have looked completely happy and normal.

Your child will promise in good faith to look after this dog and then she won't do it because she's only a child. Please don't buy a dog unless you have the time to look after it yourself.

It's really hard to tell if you're a nightmare or just very misguided. Either way, taking away a teenager's phone until she has exercised, will not develop a love of exercise, just more resentment.

OP, this was me when I was that age and I wish my mum had brought up the subject and helped me. In some ways, I was quite glad she didn't because I 'secretly' (she must have known because she bought the food and it wasn't my skinny sister eating it) binge ate and would have been desperately ashamed had she brought this up.

But I'm pretty sure that if she HAD raised the subject sensitively, it would have stopped me - because it wouldn't have been secret any more.

Obviously there's quite a few PP that say the opposite, which I think just goes to show that you have to tread really carefully and base your responses on what you know of your own daughter. Framing it as concern about general health/tiredness seems a good way to go. I wasn't that close to my mum so I wouldn't have talked to her about personal issues anyway. If you don't feel your dd would confide in you at present, then maybe work on opening the channels of communication more generally.

My DD tends to open up more when I've been open about how I'm feeling. I don't mean tell her about how you feel about her weight, but other stuff. Being stressed at work, someone upsetting you etc. Maybe if she sees you sharing some minor troubles, she might share hers?

You're doing the right thing to care. FWIW, I eventually worked out I wasn't doing myself any favours but I hate to look back and see that I spent the whole of my teens and twenties feeling dreadful about my self-image (and rightly, the weight really didn't suit me at all).

KlingybunFistelvase Mon 23-Jan-17 14:01:03

"And thanks for your sympathies for my late mum. I guess you had important things to worry about, like scoring points in the great game of "who can be the most virtuous"."

Sorry, but I haven't been back to post since you wrote that post: I never saw it and have been busy since. My last post was a cross-post. Of course I'd be sympathetic about your mum; sounds horrendous.

With my late FIL, the situation was different: he was one of those fortunate people who can put away a lot without becoming dependent or developing a problem of any kind. He was fine. That was kind of like my point: the fact that he was fine doesn't mean everybody else will be.