Overweight teen in denial

[Rarelondon]

14 yr old dd has gained alot of weight very quickly. She has always been a bit chubby but has quite shockingly gained so much so quickly! I keep having to by bigger clothes and she is now several dress sizes bigger than me.
I am worried and try every approach in talking to her. I provide nothing but healthy meals and snacks. But she is clearly over eating out of the house or stealing extra food.
I caught her sneakily stirring a ton of butter into soup recently and asked her why she would do that and she would not engage convo instead saying it fell in!
I have exercise equipment I encourage her to use and dvds dumbbells etc
She says there is NO problem and she doesn't see the weight gain.
I said to her your clothes are splitting and I can't afford to replace everything.
She refuses groups, seeing a nurse and sporting activities.
Aibu in deciding to become more forceful with helping her.
For e.g.. you can have your phone when you have done 30mins exercise.
Not giving her money when she goes out with friends as i know it will go on junk food.
I think I have tried everything. I have showed her ted talks on nutrition, I have a treadmill smoothie maker at her disposal but she refuses to use it.
I can't bare seeing her like this and then just laying around in her room after school.
She has friends does well in school and will not acknowledge weight gain. She is closely becoming an adult size 16/18.
This might also be a bit of a wwyd?
I would really appreciate others ideas/opinions?

OP, please try to ignore posters calling you names. These posters have struggled unsuccessfully with their own weight and now have a chip on their shoulders. Know that you are a loving concerned mother. Your DD is lucky her mom is paying attention and concerned enough to do something about it.

Here in the US, the CDC has officially declared obesity a national epidemic and a major contributor to leading causes of death. It is our job as parents to try our best to bring up healthy weight children.
I wish I could be of bigger help, but I am afraid that what I do with dd16 and dd13 would be considered a major no-no by most people. For one, we talk about food and weight openly and regularly for as far back as I can remember. My dds have never been on a diet and their food intake doesn't seem to fluctuate with their mental state. They are very athletic and on the slim side of average for their height.
Best of luck to you and your dd! And please don't give up on her!

Also some one suggested a puppy which actually might not be a bad idea to get her moving and exercising without really thinking about it. As long as she doesn't lose interest and then im stuck raising the kids and a puppy on my own!

Oh blimey OP please don't get a puppy unless you want one and are will to look after it for the rest of its life.

Your DD is 14. Most dogs tend to live to the age of about 16.

This means you're asking a 14yr old child, to promise to be responsible for this animal until she's around 30 years old!!

What happens if she wants to go off to University in 4 years?

*willing

If she is sneaking butter into her soup, then I would suggest that YouTube videos on nutrition are having exactly the opposite effect to what you intend, and I would stop that. She knows what she is doing is dangerous and she is doing it- doesn't that tell you something?

I agree with this. Given that you and your DD talk openly about sex/relationships, the fact that she is sneaking food is telling. I'd drop the YouTube videos and get into cooking with her - things that are balanced but with a touch of richness or sweetness. Do you put butter in your soup when you cook? If not, can you meet her half-way and make soup with some butter in it?

I think you need to try to encourage your DD to be as open with you about food as she is about sex/relationships. And if/when she does, be supportive and non-judgmental - I'm not suggesting that you would be, but she might see the videos as a form of judgment, and she's clearly very sensitive about food/diet.

Good luck.

I don't think you sound horrific OP. A size 18, 5'5 14yo would worry me too. She must be obese according to her BMI? Or at least close to it. That's more than a chubby teen.

While I agree with PP whose mothers have constantly gone on at them about weight despite being a healthy size, who say it's affected them way into adulthood - my mum did this to me too - the difference is that the OP's DD isn't a healthy size, and will need help to get back to one. It has to be addressed IMO, I don't think backing off is an option.

You obviously love her loads, that comes through in all your posts. Do you cook with her? I work with young women, some of who have issues with food/weight, and cooking together can be very therapeutic as as well and fun and educational. It gives them the control over food that they crave but in a constructive way.

Is she into social media, Instagram etc? There are loads of young, cool fitness bloggers like Joe Wicks etc (who is also pretty easy on the eye!) who post amazing recipes, healthy, tasty, filling and easy to do. I know it can be hard to find the time but even just a few times a week would be great - the one on one time and positive attention/reinforcement would be so valuable, as well as the opportunity to learn about cooking and nutrition. She could serve up different recipes to her siblings, make stuff to take to school etc.

Sorry if I'm way off the mark, I just think positive attention, rather than 'punishing' (taking phone etc) might work better here.

JustAnotherPoster00 and foodtime
Not on to attack the OP like that - especially you foodtime. OP does not in the least sound like a bully. She sounds like a mother who loves her daughter very much and wants to do the right thing and is asking for advice on how to approach it.

I would hope that all of us - including you foodtime - would do the same if we saw our DC doing drugs, smoking, drinking, dropping out of school , in an abusive relationship, self-harming - whatever. Good parents love their kids and want the best for them. And the best is NOT being fat - it just isn't.

OP, I've missed some of your updates while I was posting and you seem to be doing a lot of things right already.
I believe you come from a good place and are trying to do the right thing.
It's difficult to strike the right balance. What helped me in the end was to stop trying to lose weight and concentrating on being mostly healthy.
The thing is that at her age the change can only come from your DD. Any limits you impose, she will try to subvert.
The example of sneaking butter in her soup really struck a chord with me. It suggests that she knows there is a problem but feels unable to share it with you. It might also be her attempt to take back control from you.
Remember this: being fat is not a moral failing - not yours and not hers.

Another chubby teen here - the worst thing my mother did to me was go on about my weight. It got to a point that it started to ruin our relationship. The only way we started getting on again was for her to agree that she would say nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, about my appearance at all. As an adult, I can see that her comments were because she was concerned, but as a teen they were hurtful, mortifying and made me very insecure. So another one saying back off and let her be.

There are lots of accounts of things mothers shouldn't do if they have a very overweight teen but not many suggestions as to what they can do. Sitting back and doing nothing doesn't seem like a good plan.

The OP says her DD won't talk about her weight so I'm not sure how she is supposed to get her to visit a nutritionist or a phychiatrist.

I have similar problems with my dd. in my case she is not active at all. I can barely get her to leave her room. She's gained loads but I split from her abusive father a year ago. She's done counselling. He used to comment on her weight but now he's not around she's gained more - and I don't want to be "like him" but now she actually is overweight.

Sympathy to you anyway, I know how hard it is.

Op why not have a go with 'Borrow my Doggy' - I know a few people who have regular dogs they walk for people - it's sort of like a dating agency for sharing dogs - useful for dog owners who are away/working and those who can't commit to a dog full time- your DD might like that and feel she's helping someone else too?

Other than that why not call Young Minds to get some proper advice on your DD? It's sounds a bit like a control issue in the same way anorexia is but in the opposite direction. You don't want to make the situation worse - and it does sound very delicate for you both. As peoples experiences show it depends on the person and the relationship whether it's appropriate for you to comment or try to change - versus backing off. I have people close to me who have had DCs with anorexia and refused to address it or admit that their child has it, and then at the same time tried to force their DC to eat and compounded the problem by being hyper vigilant in the wrong way. God knows we don't know how we'd behave in that situation but I do think you need help.

Also most psychologists recommend talking whilst doing something else - not face to face- as a way to broach difficult subjects. Maybe even a car drive or walk, cooking together - or an activity that only involves you and her... could be a nail salon or a hike or anything.

Tikki, I have suggested providing a mostly healthy diet, lead by example, working on self-esteem, re-assuring help is available if wanted, giving her some control.
Others sugges others have suggested cooking together, signing her up for activities like drama.
I wish it was as easy as put her on carrot sticks and make her jog for 3 hours.

Another who put on weight as a teen. My mother had a weight problem when i was growing up, that weight was mine. Even before i got chubby.

Back off, you'll only make it worse. The pp who was a chubby teen with the 8 points was brilliant. Sorry, i forgot your username pp.

Again, another good post from someonestole. There have been some good suggestions on here.

Have you ever thought that living with a horrible mother who bodyshames her might be making her worse??? Let her be her own person, and stop trying to control her. Otherwise, you'll find that she can't wait to move out as soon as she's old enough, and you will have no relationship with her at all. How would you feel if she had an abusive boyfriend who bodyshamed her??? I bet you wouldn't like it and would tell her to LTB. So why is it OK for you to do the same to her? Poor, poor girl. If you do love her, back off and leave her alone and stop being so horrid. I'm a bit plump (size 12, but I'm only 5"), and anyone who shamed me for it would be right out of my life.

You sound like a very caring lovely mum OP

In your position I don't think I could ignore the fact that my DD was overweight. However I think you need to focus on health rather than weight. I would start with a trip to the GP for a general check up about tiredness and lack of energy to see if her thyroid, hormone and iron levels are ok and go from there. If there are no other issues I am sure the GP will approach a change in diet and lifestyle with your DD. Teens tend to listen more when someone else gives advice and it will be less emotionally charged if it's not from you.

It's not necessarily about restricting food it's about changing the relationship, making choices and learning to see food as fuel and nutrition for your body rather than a source of comfort.

I don't think the OP is body shaming her DD. It doesn't seem to be the looks side of things that's concerning her, more the rapid extreme weight gain and unwillingness to acknowledge it, and the total lack of desire to do the things that she used to enjoy. I'd be worried if that was my DD too.

Harsh
So if the OP backs off and her DDs weight gets worse and she develops weight related health problems, will she also be a bad mother who didn't care enough to help her 14 year DD. This is a health issue and a possible mental health issue that could have long term consequences. It's not just something that can be ignored.

Thankyou there is alot of useful ideas here!
Cooking together we could do more of. She does like to do it if she is in the right mood for it. I will look more into slimming world/weight watchers, admittedly I am not that educated about it, but I know I don't like the idea of food being labelled 'sins' and counting points in general.
An idea of calorie content yes but I think in my dds case a point system might encourage binging.

There is also alot of differing opinions i am seeing, so I know I will have to take a tactful multi pronged approach to this and remain sensitive to her self esteem. I certainly want to build her up not have her feel alienated in any way. I am an all out in the open kind of person with her because I think then nothing is taboo for her to talk to me about. I try not to push but to encourage her to share with me.

Also I won't be rushing into the puppy buying without alot more thought but I think that idea is a good 'fit' for my daughter. Who loves animals and of course is going to be better than running on a treadmill staring at the wall.

I know this has touched a nerve with some people and I apologise for the 'trigger' but I really am only coming from a place of love for dd and am open to adapting my behaviour for whatever she needs.
I don't bring up her weight to her in an accusatory way as much as I would be more likely to say something like "Your a really good dancer lets put some music on and have a little dance party" which may sound cringe - but she does engage with that approach. But I can't always make everything a song and dance (ironically) I feel like I am propping her up alot and if i didn't she would just not care and her weight would increase more and more.
I will re read over these posts and try and see what I can incorporate or cut out.
However I don't agree in ignoring this and letting it right itself. As when I did ignore the few pounds she was gaining that quickly turned into stones and it's just too physically unhealthy for her.
When we went for a run the other week just messing around out in the open with the other kids, she pretended to fall over and injure herself to get out of doing it (was fine later) and I think physically it was too much strain on her, puffing and panting and at 14 that's not right is it.

For the love of god do not buy a dog unless your whole family want one. They are living scentient beings that live for about 15 years, not a weight loss aid.

But I agree re medical help, size 18 at 14 seems huge to me? And sneaking butter in to food seems very self destructive

I am not body shaming her she is a beautiful young lady and luckily has a great set of friends and has not encountered bullying. But it happens. I am more concerned about her general well being and her secrecy, denial and the fact that without doing anything this will almost certainly get worse.

Thanks for the update, OP.
You sound lovely and I'm glad you take other posters opinions on board.
Again, I'm not suggesting you ignore the weight gain, I am just trying to point out that restricting her food will feel like a punishment to her. The best chance you have (and prepare yourself: despite your best efforts she might be overweight for a long time).
Focus on mental and physical health. Give her some space as well. At 13 slobbing out in your bedroom is not unheard of behaviour. Be accepting of the daughter you have, not of the daughter you want.

harshbuttrue1980 OP is NOT bodyshaming her DD, she's terribly worried that her DD will have a lifetime of obesity and all the problems that go with it. She already gets out of breath doing normal things.

OP, well done for wanting to help your DD. It sounds like an ED (stirring butter into soup is just bizarre behaviour), but you can't force her to confront it (at least my mum couldn't force me when I was anorexic - I just denied it all and disengaged emotionally).

There's a lot of advice online about how to support children with eating disorders. The main thing seems to be:

• Prepare what to say.
• Don’t blame or judge.
• Concentrate on how they’re feeling.
• Stay calm.
• Have resources to refer to.
• Be prepared for a negative response.

Have a look at the rest of the site, you might find some useful info.

www.nhs.uk/livewell/eatingdisorders/pages/eating-disorders-advice-parents.aspx

Can you look at enrolling her into some kind of martial art class?

It will work on her self esteem and give her regular exercise, plus there is the handy benefit of learning self defence techniques. If she enjoys it then there is motivation for her to lose weight because it's much easier to stretch and kick to a decent height if you're not overweight.

She knows she's fat. I knew it all the way through my childhood.