Overweight teen in denial

[Rarelondon]

14 yr old dd has gained alot of weight very quickly. She has always been a bit chubby but has quite shockingly gained so much so quickly! I keep having to by bigger clothes and she is now several dress sizes bigger than me.
I am worried and try every approach in talking to her. I provide nothing but healthy meals and snacks. But she is clearly over eating out of the house or stealing extra food.
I caught her sneakily stirring a ton of butter into soup recently and asked her why she would do that and she would not engage convo instead saying it fell in!
I have exercise equipment I encourage her to use and dvds dumbbells etc
She says there is NO problem and she doesn't see the weight gain.
I said to her your clothes are splitting and I can't afford to replace everything.
She refuses groups, seeing a nurse and sporting activities.
Aibu in deciding to become more forceful with helping her.
For e.g.. you can have your phone when you have done 30mins exercise.
Not giving her money when she goes out with friends as i know it will go on junk food.
I think I have tried everything. I have showed her ted talks on nutrition, I have a treadmill smoothie maker at her disposal but she refuses to use it.
I can't bare seeing her like this and then just laying around in her room after school.
She has friends does well in school and will not acknowledge weight gain. She is closely becoming an adult size 16/18.
This might also be a bit of a wwyd?
I would really appreciate others ideas/opinions?

I think you have done more than enough and now someone else needs to take over. Try taking her to a psychologist. I believe her issues now are bigger than gaining weight.

This is a toughie. I know you want to nip this in the bud but I personally think you need to be really careful about exacerbating any eating issues, and confiscating things to force exercise etc. is likely to be a short-term solution if that. She is too old to be forced.

I think you need to express that you're worried about her weight and then wait for her to agree with you, at which point you should join her in a Slimming World programme, a health kick, whatever she suggests.

Ps: My experience was similar to what badknee describes; I was a heavy teenager who binged. I eventually figured it out for myself at about age 17 and was a slim, healthy weight till I had DD two years ago. I'm a teeny bit heavy now tbf, but nothing major. Size 14, 5'8" fwiw.

I think labelling this addiction/self-harm is extreme.

Her father was fat. She is fat. It's not the end of the world. Some people are fat. They are still attractive, popular people. James Corden, Adele, Dawn French, Ed Balls etc etc etc.

I don't think she is depressed she seems to not take anything seriously always cracking jokes and has a huge social circle. Maybe for her being fat is not the massive problem that it is for you.

sorry op i havent got any advice to offer but well done you trying to do something about this!!! hate seeing fat mums taking their fat kids to maccies etc..Im sure ill get shot down for saying that but child obesity is sadly becoming the norm :( Really hope you manage to get sorted :) Are you quite a healthy eater? Could you maybe only buy food that is healthy..obviously EVERYONE needs a treat now and again I dont mean cut unhealthy out 110% but maybe no buying crisps etc maybe salad instead of potatoes at dinner? bits like that?

"I would like to be more frank with her and have tried by showing her YouTube videos on nutrition and buying those computer games where you have to dance. (Forget what it's called)
She loses interest and breath very quickly.
It is hard because it's such a touchy issue."

If she is sneaking butter into her soup, then I would suggest that YouTube videos on nutrition are having exactly the opposite effect to what you intend, and I would stop that. She knows what she is doing is dangerous and she is doing it- doesn't that tell you something?

I very much doubt I could have stopped my dd from self-harming by showing her gory videos of knife wounds.

You need to be tackling the root of the problem.

Cakingbad maybe its not a massive deal to her but its not good for her and she might only notice how bad until shes in her 50s with heart problems! The NHS are absolutely over run with obesity issues and people need to stop taking it so damn lightly. So glad there are people like the OP trying to stop this.

Cakingbad, did you miss the bit where the 16yo is short of energy and gets out of breath very quickly? And is sneaking butter into her soup: is that really just about genetics?

Some people are fat. A lot of people are dying before their time, or developing diabetes, because they are fat. Get over it might be a bit difficult if you care about one of those people.

You say she has no energy has she had her thyroid checked? An under active thyroid can cause weight gain, depression and feeling tired.

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Thyroid-under-active/Pages/Introduction.aspx

I get where caking is coming from actually. There are some perfectly happy, fit and healthy overweight people (someone told me that Johnny Wilkinson was morbidly obese when he played for England). It doesn't sound to me as if the op's DD is very happy, fit and healthy at the moment though. I suppose only the op would know that though.

One or two bad examples - dawn French has been wider than she is tall and that is horrendous. Ed balls is fat. And smoothies are mushed up baby food, concentrated calories. No one with normal teeth and digestion should have them, especially not the super sugary commercial ones.

Back on topic - something very wrong and I hope your daughter gets to accept help.

Klingy but the Jonny Wilkinson type example is why people always say BMI categories are shaky, sportsmen and bodybuilders are always misrepresented. I doubt OP's daughter has the physique of a rugby player!

I know what you mean about some people being perfectly happy and healthy at a size some of us would not find comfortable, but the concerning things here are the shortness of breath, lack of energy and signs of disordered eating more than the actual size.

Klingy, my FIL drank quite heavily; he was healthy and happy until he died at the age of 92. Does that mean nobody should worry about alcohol intake? Or that he just happened to be lucky to have a physique that could take it?

I am sure many MNers could come up with examples of relatives who smoked like chimneys and lived to a ripe old age. It's still putting a lot of pressure on the body. As is over-eating.

In my own family, the two members who have been quite overweight have ended up with knee trouble. It puts a lot of strain on the body.

I doubt OP's daughter has the physique of a rugby player!

Me too! It's the only example I could think of off the top of my head.

Sorry, I'm going totally away from the topic now as I don't think this is really relevant to the op, but I do get a bit when people throw judgemental comments around like "fat mums taking their fat kids to maccies". Being overweight is less healthy than being a healthy weight, but it isn't the only indicator of health. It's just often the most visible one, which is why some people get judgy about it. And I do believe there are plenty of people who look fine as they are slim, but are less healthy than a healthy fat person iyswim. I'm not saying that's the norm, just that it does happen.

please don't turn into my mum who never misses an opportunity to discuss my weight. all through my life, she's never been happy with me.

I don't think your daughter is too big.

However, maybe a teen exercise class she could do with her mates would help - like zumba, spinning, swimming?

cory obviously not . Read my last post.

My mum died of an alcohol related illness at 59 yo. Sorry your dad had a similar problem. My mum wasn't so lucky.

What indigo says.
Whilst on surface reading your op and subsequent posts that your dd seems to have emotional/psychological issues this could be a red herring.

I would suggest seeing your GP or NP alone and discussing your concerns. If they are agreeable I would then aim to get dd to have an appt and having a health check (bloods) to check for underlying conditions. I would make it very matter of fact with dd that you ar worried about how tired she is and that this could be an illness.

I have done this and it has worked as an access point to further help (dietician and counselling referrals) that is needed. It takes away from the blaming and fat shaming feelings and aqusations that teens sometimes level at concerned parents.

Whilst your dd is of an age where she is able to exert choices there is a lot you can do to help. Some families I know have stopped having crisps, biscuits, sweets, full sugar drinks in the house entirely.

With your younger Dec I would just explain to them if they have had all their meals/calorie intake for the day that they don't need more. Be honest about them having had all they need and that more unused calories will be turned into fat. If this does not work offer them a carrot, celery stick or slices of cucumber.

Good luck op.

Oh yes and my mum was very slim! I'm sure people thought she was a picture of health as she was a secret drinker and never went to 'maccies'.

Poor kid. I too was a chubby kid and wasn't particularly active.

It's finding something that will motivate her into exercising. I did some volunteering (really busy active 'job') and my parents bought me a puppy. Puppy was great as at first he was too small to go for long walks. Just 10-15 mins 3 times a day. By the time he was 18 months we could both go out walking for pretty much a full day without feeling out of breath (but ready for a bloody good rest when we got home).

Of course there are other ways in which the OP's dd could also be risking her health, Klingy. But that is hardly relevant here, as this is the specific way in which this specific girl is risking her health.

If an OP came on here worrying about a teen's smoking, we wouldn't all be piling in to say "oh, but there's other people out there who are far unhealthier in other ways than smokers, why are people so judgey about smokers".

I do absolutely agree though that the OP needs to watch her thinking and language around this girl, so she doesn't slip into fat-shaming territory: safer to keep it all about wellbeing and health risks.

Somebody else has already said this but have you considered she might be pregnant?

Idefix and Indigo make good practical suggestions: make it about her tiredness and use the GP as an entrance path to wherever you might end up going.

A few comments have really struck a chord with me and I appreciate the responses can't reply fast enough!
Interesting to tackle this as self harm rather than just in the practical sense.
I realise that food issues have underlying psychological aspects to them.
Also I am tempted to say she has quite a happy comfortable life and perhaps it's the selfish part of me that thinks she is just being greedy and purposefully ignorant about this.
I spend one on one time with her, ask her questions about her life, chat, laugh with her take an interest in her interests.
I cannot turn a blind eye to her weight gain however.
I don't want her life to be harder by carrying too much extra weight. I don't want her to have health complications due to being overweight.
She is academically bright she has a good future ahead of her and I need her to make the connection between what food she puts in her mouth and the outcome to her body. I also think being overweight can trigger any mh issues and then that becomes a vicious cycle?
I am comfortable with my own weight right now there are things I could improve and try to, but i am a size 12, 5'7ish. I feel healthy i am happy with that.
I would say i am a healthy eater, I buy good natural foods for the most parts.
I have said she can have as much fruit and vegetables as she likes. I often make her tuna jacket potatoes or stir fry, chicken and veg that kind of thing.
But if it is because she is hiding depression and/or is addicted to food I think she will just get the junk she craves elsewhere.
I will talk to her after school today,without nagging, (hate that word) and see if she will confide anything to me as to how she is feeling.
I am really searching for a breakthrough moment with her but maybe I am out of my depth to keep trying to help her on my own.

Oh ffs cory. I was just trying to explain where I thought caking was coming from, as another poster was arguing with her in, what I interpreted as a very black and white, 'fat = unhealthy, and aren't people just awful for getting FAT and letting their children get fat' kind of way. I was just trying to point out that it isn't necessarily that clear cut.

And thanks for your sympathies for my late mum. I guess you had important things to worry about, like scoring points in the great game of "who can be the most virtuous".