A precious cargo!!! Parenting Teens

[Misteemoments]

Hi I know what I should say, I know what I want to say but it's not always that simple.

After 6 years of not missing a weekend there was nothing I could do but request help from fellow parents asking if someone could give my 16 year old a lift home from football this weekend.. the parent I thought was dropping him home didn't, the parent who did regularly drinks 3 or 4 pints!! Then drives. I'm angry and upset If I told my lad not too get in car he'd tell me I was being stupid. If I tried approaching this man he'd tell me to F off as he can be a real nob. The problem is it's mostly dads who drive and most of them think 3 pints is ok to drive - I don't

In a car, is a phrase I would reserve for picking up a McDonald's meal from a drive-thru.

or rum

Worra I'm with you on the McDonald's front. New car is cream leather etc, I have never been more careful with a McDonald's than I was yesterday.

Then find an alternative solution. A 16 YO is more than capable to purchasing a bus ticket. Or am I missing the point?

myfavouritecolourispurple
I have lived in literally the middle of nowhere, with busses that run a handful of times a day. If at 16, I couldn't be picked up I would have been expected to:

Ask for a lift myself.
Check what transport was running.
Make sure I had enough money for taxi/bus.
Know never to get into a car with someone who is under the influence.
Wait until someone could pick me up.
Not go if I didn't have a good idea of how I was getting back.

I would not expect to be treated as 'precious cargo' when nearly an adult. In fact, I'd be hugely embarrassed if I had been described as such at this age.

Op unfortunately AIBU is not a place for the faint hearted...

What a bizarre reaction to the (admittedly confusing) OP.

There's not really much to say though. Of course drinking 3 pints and then driving is wrong. I would not let my child get a lift with somebody who had done that. So if EVERYONE who can give him a lift has had a few drinks (which sounds absurd to me) our only options would be:

A) son doesn't go because he can't get there/back
B) I arrange a way for him to get there/back that doesn't involve a drunk driver. So a bus, a taxi, I get him myself, or I ask somebody I know (and know is sober) to get him.

Not much else you can do really, OP.

Precious cargo - In a car, is a phrase I would reserve for picking up a McDonald's meal from a drive-thru.

Really want a McDonald's now...

OP is having a rough ride here.

OK - I agree the term 'precious cargo' is very odd, but she has said she is new here - back off and give her a break vipers.

1. If your team are playing away matches every other week in different places, usually many miles away, then it's not realistic or practical for them to get the bus (same with adults, this is nothing to do with being 16), and what would be the point, when others are going there and back with empty seats . Grounds are often miles away from a bus or train, you might have to do a couple of junctions of motorway, you don't know much about the buses in next county, and you have to be there early in the morning.
2. OP had arranged a lift back, from a parent she trusted
3. If I knew someone was drinking 3 pints then driving, I would be on the phone to the police without a 2nd doubt. It is not acceptable whether they have a teenager in the car or are on their own. The fact you know they do this often and have done nothing, saddens me.
4. At 16, my dcs know not to get in ANY car, at ANY point with someone they know has been drinking. I don't care if they have to sit there for 6 hours before I can fetch them, or if I have to go out in the middle of the night, or if it costs me a huge taxi fayre - just don't do it. By 16, they should know that.

Worra I'm with you on the McDonald's front. New car is cream leather etc, I have never been more careful with a McDonald's than I was yesterday.

Vanilla milkshakes

You're welcome

There's nothing wrong with saying 'precious cargo' as long as you use your Gollum voice surely?

Pmsl at counting down 1 2 3 - exactly the sort of thing I do

Also Pmsl at the suggestions for catching a bus to a football match 20 miles away. About as much chance of that working out as this thread remaining I think.

Sorry but all I can think of is: My precioussssssssss

Then find an alternative solution. A 16 YO is more than capable to purchasing a bus ticket. Or am I missing the point?

Yes, you are missing the large and obvious point that not all places are connected to all other places by bus routes. Many are not, in fact.

I do think it's unusual that parents discuss lifts with one another. Don't most teenagers discuss it amongst themselves?

If the man drinks and drives, then he is massively wrong and should be reported. Any time. Every time.

As for the situation directly involving your ds, you do not know if he had been drinking and driving: surely there might be times when he doesn't. A 16yo should be able to spot that.

Which still leaves the question what your ds could reasonably do once he had spotted it. And that is a discussion you need to have with him.

I would do this as calmly and undramatically as possible, talking to him as an adult. "When you go to these matches, if plan A falls through for any reason- what is plan B? Is there a bus? A train? Would a taxi work for part of the way? Can you call me or a friend/relative?" Looking into an alternative, maybe providing him with a secret stash of money which can be used in an emergency.

He is getting to an age where he needs to learn the skills of rapid risk evaluation and evasive action.

But be as angry with drink drivers as you like- there is no excuse for those.

And I would not expect a 16 year old to pay for a taxi to go 20 miles.

Even if the only alternative is a lift with a driver who has been drinking, myfavouritecolour?

Surely there would be a bus route/stop within walking distance? He's 16 not 6? Teach him some self-sufficiency...

Did the op have a breathalizer handy when her son arrived? How does she know what the lift-giver had drank?

It's her responsibility to tell her son not to get in the car with anyone other than a pre-arranged lift giver.

And if it's true that the guy had drank 3 pints before driving - regardless of whether he has passengers or not - he is a selfish, arrogant twat!

Navyandwhite. You think 20 miles on a bus is too far for a 16 yo to travel? That is bonkers. I get that there may not have been a decent bus service where the OPs DS was but to say he couldn't have travelled that far if there was a bus makes no sense.

"20 miles on the bus?"

If that was how my family felt about it Navy I/ we would have never gone anywhere.

Yes it is a long way but it isn't beyond the pale. Really it all depends on what you are used to doing and how you live. There are many types of normal and I think my frustration with the op was that there was a lot of complaint but not much insight on how things could have been managed more positively. When you are relying on other people then you have given up control - the op is entirely correct that a habitual drink driver is not someone you want ferrying around anyone. But if your child has no option other than accepting a lift from this person it is difficult to know what to say other than - "arm your child with life skills - confidence in their own ability to make a journey, money for emergencies, a well charged phone..." options!

Nothing wrong, except when you cannot do it and a dc is left stranded and no idea what to do about it. If you can do it and a (nearly adult dc can also find their own way around - that is one thing, but if the dc is clueless on how to manage without parentcab - I consider that to be a potential problem.

I am not sure how dc in Uni manage to get around - I was a couple of months past my 18th birthday when I started and I was already familiar with a bus timetable, train travel and using taxis/ bikes and moving independently (you don't always want your parents to know where you are !) - it has to start at some point.