AIBU to feel so lost?

[seal1990]

Hey MNetters,

I'm going to apologise now for the length of this.

Basically things have been ridiculously rough at home for me lately. My DP and I have been together for about 5 years now, and our DD turned 2 in September. We didn't used to fight, but now it's almost constant that we are at each other's throats.

My DP, (let's call him Stanley,) works full time, and he works bloody hard, I am a SAHM - but not really through choice if that makes sense. I love my DD with all my heart, but I miss the company of adults etc. I also miss being able to contribute to bills.

The fights always stem from my loneliness. I can't drive, and we live in the back end of beyond so I'm fairly isolated after he leaves for work. I go for walks around the 'estate' but that only takes up so much time.

Recently I have been trying to tell him how unhappy I am, but I just get shouted down - "I'm at work all day, I would love to be lying on the couch doing nothing." (I don't lie around doing nothing by the way - I have a washing pile that resembles Everest,) "You should be cooking more." "Did you not change out of your pyjamas today?!" Etc etc etc...

It's really starting to wear me down, I already feel like I'm failing at the whole 'mum' thing, and my MIL delights in telling me what I should be doing, while I feel like I'm drowning and I can't see a way out.

Any time I speak to Stanley about this I end up feeling guilty, because I know how hard he is working. And I know it's 'for us'. I guess I need some perspective from other women/mums to let me know if I am being unreasonable to feel so lonely and sad.

Love,

Seal. Xxxx

I'm sorry you feel sad and lonely,and worn down.it can be cumulative feeling
The mum thing is hard,and yes it can be wearing trying to get it right
Don't beat self up trying to be an unattainable perfect mum.thats a losing battle
Do talk to Stanley, explain you're not fat arsing about and sarky comments don't help

Didn't want to read and run.

In a way I get where you are coming from, my DH works ridiculous hours and when I was at home with 2 little ones i felt like a single parent a lot of the time.

Is there absolutely nothing within walking distance for you and your dd to go to? Are there any bus routes into a bigger town? Even if it's just for an hour toddler group you could make a day of it, take some sandwiches for lunch, find some outside space afterwards, walk part of the way home etc. Doesn't have to cost a fortune. Are there any local mums Facebook pages, it's worth a look. And yes you feel stupid doing it, but if you see any other mums on your wanders round your estate, just talk to them! It might lead somewhere, even if it's only someone you know you can have a bit of a chat with when you see them.

Is your DH feeling the pressure of being the sole earner, do you think? Maybe that's why he's being so abrupt with you. Hopefully you can both talk things through, it's easy to get into that my life's tougher that's your life argument.

Keep talking here if it helps.

learn to drive / suggest moving / get childcare and get back to work ? there are practical things you can do to remedy this

Sorry you're feeling so low. It's hard when you have a little one and hardly any adult company.

Find somewhere to go to everyday if you can.
Are there places you can walk to? Even if it is a long walk? Are there regular buses?
Whether it's shops, toddler groups, swimming, walking, library find things to get up out of the house for.

At home, have the radio on. Radio 4 or any talk radio would be good as it makes you feel more connected to the outside world.

Look on Mumsnet local section and netmums meet a mum pages to see if there is any local stuff going on or others in the same situation in your area.

Thanks guys, appreciate the support! I am having driving lessons, but can only manage one a week because of Stanley's working hours. And our DD has started nursery, so that's been great for her, but not so great for me, (I miss her 😭,) when I say Estate, I mean we have 2 neighbours. Totally in the countryside, in an old barn conversion. And don't get me wrong - I love this house, it's beautiful! But the only way to get to a bus stop/the nearest wee village is to walk a few miles. Now, that wouldn't be an issue, but the road is a national speed limit one, so it's a 60mph. Don't feel comfy about walking that with a 2 year old! Xxxx

YANBU. Not one tiny bit.

It's really hard to go day after day with no adult company/conversation and I think your DH is unable to imagine/appreciate what that might feel like. It's a case of the grass being greener to him maybe - he compares his daily life to his perceived idea of you sitting on the sofa doing very little and it seems like you have the better deal. But your day is just as hard as his only you are doing it in the house rather than in a workplace. And not just as hard but minus company.

Your house and the setting sound wonderful but maybe it's not so wonderful at this time in your lives. Is there any way you could move anywhere more 'inhabited'? while DD is so small? Are there any facilities nearby for young children/families?

It's not unreasonable at all to need company. Is there any way that might be achievable in a realistic way?

I think I'd feel the same. I have to get out the house every day, and I'm lucky that I can easily walk to town.

Have you thought about doing an intensive driving course? I assume you can still do them. I did years ago and really helped (but not with my A-Level revision)

I think that you can still do intensive courses for driving, but again, it's all down to having child care for DD. Stanley isn't a very 'hands on' father so when I finish my driving lesson I usually come home to a very wet nappy, and a DH who's only just surfaced. Which leaves me and DD to pick up the day a few hours late and throws the routine out... I feel like I have no right to complain - because he is the breadwinner, but I also feel like I'm slowly losing my mind. Xxxx

He might be the breadwinner but you are also making a huge contribution to the running of the household. By being a sahm you are saving your household thousands a year, not to mention saving your DH from the aggro of doing housework/cooking etc when he returns home, which I'm sure before DD was here he would have participated in. Do not underestimate your worth and don't let him tell you that you do not contribute.

With regards to feeling lonely, learning to drive will be a huge help. How does your DD currently get to nursery / where is the nursery? I presume it's in a town close by, are there any activities you could do in said town or friends you can meet there while DD is in nursery rather than stay at home?

Do you have family or friends that you can FaceTime or Skype everyday ?

*DP sorry, not DH

Hi Seal
I'm sorry that you are feeling so down. I totally understand where you are coming from though. I spend a large portion of my day alone and it really does take its toll. It's hard to explain to a FT worker tho as they are drained in a different way. The grass is always greener etc.
Do you not have any old school friends or anyone else nearby?
If you got a bicycle you could get an attachment for your DD to ride with you.
Does your nursery run any sort of classes etc? My DS's nursery was in a children's centre so had other things going on.
Maybe you could have a word and mention to the key worker that you are at a bit of a loss and see if there are any other parents in a similar situation who you could befriend.
I like to do some crafts when I am feeling down. Is there anything you enjoy doing? Crochet/Knitting/Baking/Painting/Drawing/Photography etc rekindle an old passion (creatively that is! haha)
I would second the looking on facebook to see if there are any groups etc nearby.
There's an online company called Borrow My Doggy. Its basically dog owners who need someone to pet sit whilst they are at work etc. So you would walk their dog etc for an hour or whatever they need in a day.
I really hope your husband can show a little more sympathy and understanding.
If you continue to feel down etc please don't keep it inside. If you need to you can always speak to your GP for advice.
I hope everything works out for you all. Good luck

He didn't help much before DD was born to be honest, his mum is of the opinion that it's a woman's job to keep house, regardless of who is doing what, so I think he expects me to do it all. The thing that really upsets me is I asked him what was the matter, (as in - with our relationship in his opinion,) and he said he is no longer attracted to me, because I have 'no motivation' and I'm 'down most of the time'... I've tried to explain that I feel lonely and unloved, which has an affect on my mental health, but he says that he can't change how he feels. So I either have to suck it up and pretend that I'm fine or he won't show me any affection. I don't know what to do any more. Xxxx

he said he is no longer attracted to me, because I have 'no motivation' and I'm 'down most of the time'... I've tried to explain that I feel lonely and unloved, which has an affect on my mental health, but he says that he can't change how he feels.

Wow, that's blimming harsh.

Wow. No words. Except wanted to send you a bit of virtual support. Try and appreciate yourself more, and the massive contribution you are making to your DD and your partner by being SAHM. If you're not happy as SAHM please try to work towards changing the situation. See a therapist? Talk to your GP? Relationship councelling?

FWIW my heart would break if my DP said that to me and I'd feel utterly and completely lost too. There's always LTB too... Those are pretty harsh words to be honest, I continue to be

And it's not a 'woman's job' to keep house, that's so 1950s, I hope you realise that - it doesn't matter what his mum or he thinks, welcome to 2017, happy new year and all.

Thanks Puss, I was wondering if I was being too sensitive... yeah I basically told my MIL to fuck off, but in a much nicer way. This isn't the first time DP has said something along those lines, but it builds up ya know? I see a psychologist already to help with the anxiety, PTSD and depression, (previous DA relationship - long story,) and I've suggested couples therapy, but he is concerned about the cost. I really want to fix this, I wouldn't mind being a SAHM if I lived in a village, or a city centre, but I am not coping well with the isolation. Xxxx

If I lived in the middle of nowhere, couldn't drive and craved adult conversation I'd go mad too. YANBU at all. Your husband's comments to you are despicable and worrying. He's basically putting everything on you. Does he have any redeeming features? Anyway, if he's going to be uncommunicative and you want to stay with him tell him you need to move. Good luck

Sorry my love but do you listen to The Archers? Because that's what I'm thinking of reading your post, right down to the judgemental MIL.

Seems like he wants you to be a SAHM and housekeeper who looks after his home and children, but then blames you for our not having anyyhing outside of the box he's put you in. The fact you mention a previous DA relationship also rings alarm bells for me - controlling abusers are very good at spotting and targeting vulnerable women, luring them in and then breaking them down - this is why so many women repeatedly end up in abusive relationships - it's not that they keep choosing the wrong men, it's that the wrong men can smell their vulnerability like a shark scenting blood.

Please consider your relationship in the round. What kind of shape were you in financially and emotionally when you met? Was he very keen to hit milestones and get settled down quickly? Whose idea was it to have a child so quickly? Do you feel like you have to please him or there will be consequences, but struggle to know what it is he wants of you? Does he want contradictory things, e.g. For you to be the perfect angel in the home but also have an exciting life outside it? What are his views on you going back to work/retraining? Do you have reasonable access to money for you and DD to have a social life? Do you feel concerned or guilty of you leave DD in his care?

It's impossible to be in someone else's relationship with them, and I don't know the whole story. But I am concerned by what you've said, and couldn't read and run.

Take care of yourself - I hope you find some light in your life soon! Xx

You aren't being too sensitive.

Your H sounds like 1950's man. DD is as much his child as yours. It really is going back decades to the home and the children being the women's territory.

It's hard to stand up to someone who knocks your confidence. Almost impossible when you are struggling with PND, anxiety etc. Doesn't make it easy to be assertive. Have you told the psychologist about how your husband's behaviour is impacting on you and about the isolation? I'm glad you have some support but you sound like you need to work towards practical steps (someone to look after DD so you can take more driving lessons, get some time to yourself etc), look into moving etc.

Really hoping you can find a way through all this. You deserve more.

Yes it does build up.erosion of confidence and wellbeing is cumulative and deep
It is possible to make progress Recovery is little steps,bit forward,sometimes bit back
But,and here the thing,you need Stanley to get on board be a supporter not a detractor
He can make changes like saying thanks for his dinner,thanks to you for being a good mum
His words affect your confidence and self esteem,he needs to chose them carefully

Continue seeing the psychologist
Make sure your on the correct medication

Are there any activity groups you can attend,the proximity of others is in itself positive?

Thank you all so much, what a lot of amazing advice! I'll try and answer all your points but I'm on my mobile so I might forget bits!
Redeeming qualities : hmmmm... he mixes a mean mojito? In all seriousness, I used to have a long list of amazing qualities he possessed but things have changed. Stanley is so busy and stressed at work that he doesn't seem to have any time for me or DD when he is home. But he also has never apologised for making the nasty comments.

When I first met Stanley, I was a wreck. Emotionally and financially. I was still tied strongly to my ex, (we were on and off for years and he works 5mins from my family home so he was always visible,) I was in need of a job, had some debt left from the abusive relationship, and it was Stanley who interviewed/hired me for a job.

We used to be a very different couple. I was headstrong and cold most of the time, because I was scared that if I let my guard down I would be hurt again. He was doting and kind, and I thought he understood.

But recently, when we have had conversations about our relationship and I have told him how much I miss the intimacy, (not even sex, but just a goodbye kiss would be nice, or a hand to hold,) he has told me on no uncertain terms that I pushed him away so much that he is no longer interested in being kind and that adds to his not being attracted to me anymore either. I did break down and apologise for being so cold in the early stages of our relationship, but the damage has been done.

I was accepted into uni, to go back to school basically, a stepping stone to a better future, but I had to give up my place, and DD's place at the uni nursery because Stanley was not willing to help me get there and back home again.

I am no angel. I'm rough to live with. But I thought that he wouldn't want me to wear a mask around him like I do so much of the time already - he always said I should be honest with him about feelings etc. But now that I have been, I regret it so much. And I honestly feel like a little lost puppy!

All my family live about 2 hours drive away, and the only regular visits I get are from his parents, but if I try and get his support when his mum lays into me, he says I am being ungrateful because they do so much for us.

I'm sorry if I've forgotten anything, I'll have to go back and check. Xxxx

Stanley doesn't seem to know how to say thank you... usually it's criticisms. I've never really bothered to contradict him because I don't like conflict. But I have had friends defend me in those situations, leaving him red faced.

For some clarity, Stanley has his own business that he runs. We used to live in a lovely little village, where everything was in walking distance for me and DD, I had a weekend job, and I was doing much better. Then Stanley decided he hated his own job, and wanted to be in control of his own business, which leads to where we are now. Xxxx

All your posts are about Stanley needs,Stanley preference.cant hear your voice your needs
You cannot tippy toe through your life scared of upsetting Stanley

I'm aghast that you had uni place,uni nursery and he wouldn't support you to attend, that's rough

What about putting a notice up at or near the nursery, nearest school or local rag for a mums get together, say a coffee morning type thing or a baby clothes/toys swap?
I expect there are other mums in your general area and once you get together you'll soon get a circle of friends and even put towards petrol for trips to town etc.

I guess any time I try to stand up for myself I feel guilty. Yeah I was really upset about the uni thing. Especially since Stanley and MIL had been almost trying to force my hand when it came to doing something with my life. But then when I got the place, and I had one class, I was told it wasn't going to be feasible for me to actually do it. Broke my heart over that one! Xxxx