AIBU to feel so lost?

[seal1990]

Hey MNetters,

I'm going to apologise now for the length of this.

Basically things have been ridiculously rough at home for me lately. My DP and I have been together for about 5 years now, and our DD turned 2 in September. We didn't used to fight, but now it's almost constant that we are at each other's throats.

My DP, (let's call him Stanley,) works full time, and he works bloody hard, I am a SAHM - but not really through choice if that makes sense. I love my DD with all my heart, but I miss the company of adults etc. I also miss being able to contribute to bills.

The fights always stem from my loneliness. I can't drive, and we live in the back end of beyond so I'm fairly isolated after he leaves for work. I go for walks around the 'estate' but that only takes up so much time.

Recently I have been trying to tell him how unhappy I am, but I just get shouted down - "I'm at work all day, I would love to be lying on the couch doing nothing." (I don't lie around doing nothing by the way - I have a washing pile that resembles Everest,) "You should be cooking more." "Did you not change out of your pyjamas today?!" Etc etc etc...

It's really starting to wear me down, I already feel like I'm failing at the whole 'mum' thing, and my MIL delights in telling me what I should be doing, while I feel like I'm drowning and I can't see a way out.

Any time I speak to Stanley about this I end up feeling guilty, because I know how hard he is working. And I know it's 'for us'. I guess I need some perspective from other women/mums to let me know if I am being unreasonable to feel so lonely and sad.

Love,

Seal. Xxxx

To be frank OP your DH has already left the relationship but is hedging his bets by hanging about until something else comes along.
I was in a similar situation to you - I didn't join the dots for years and years, even going through a complete mental and physical breakdown didn't jolt me. It was something relatively simple that brought me to realise I was in an emotional and physical desert that had sucked the joy and life out of me.
It sounds like you have a lovely supportive mum, OP with an escape route, in your shoes I'd grab the chance. Good luck.

I hope you can sort something out with your dogs and go to your lovely sounding DMs and start to get your life back on track.

I don't know where I read it but this quote has stuck in my mind "If you are depressed, first look at the people around you."

I had awful problems with depression, lack of confidence, lack of self belief in my ability to cope on my own. Seems more than coincidence that since I left an incredibly confidence sapping and exhausting 23 year marriage (9 years ago), I've not been depressed once. I've been lonely, angry, petrified, cold and bloody miserable at times but never depressed.

Stanley wants you to change yourself. You are likely to be doing that for ever forwards because you will never 'achieve' the goals he sets for you. First of all because he will make damn sure you can't because second of all, it's the last thing he wants.

You can do so much more and have so much more than he has decided you can have. And you and your DD deserve so much more than he can offer.

So, just to get this straight, have you spoken to Stanley about leaving and his response was "the dogs will have to be re-homed if you do"? Sounds like emotional blackmail and yet another attempt to control you. You don't work, you have no ties to the place you live in, you have a so-called partner who constantly grinds you down (not to mention his oh-so-helpful MIL!). There is nothing to stay for. See what you can do about the dogs, maybe your mum could have them temporarily. Just take your DD and go, please! All the best to you

*His DM, not his MIL I meant.

Hey guys, looooooooong day. I've started the conversation, (again,) and have basically been told that I'm being ridiculous. I'm really upset and I haven't a clue what to do next. Advice on a postcard please?! Xxxx

Go to your mums.hes disregarding your feelings,won't hear you out.go and have a think
Don't tell him you're going,act regular.dont bring this up again
Clear your browsing history on internet.if he know or guessed your mn password - change it

Look into foster sitter for dogs

Gimmee - that seems a bit sudden... although it feels like a solution at least. Xxxx

I'm in no way instructing you what to do,I'm suggesting go to mum she's good listener
If you want to work it through, seek other ways to address this then of course do that
Just I can't see he's hearing you,maybe time apart will galvanise him into appropriate behaviour

How are your finances organised?is it a sole account that you can transfer money from to yourself?

Stanley handles all the money. I have nothing to my name, everything is registered to him. I'm shit at looking after money though. Can't be trusted with it! Xxxx

You dont need to answer this online
If you told your mum he's mean to you,calls you names,makes you cry
Would she react....
A) utter shock, and whaaaat?totally surprised and mum didn't see that coming
B) He's done what?and then mind you,not surprised

Ok,do you have a sole account you could transfer money to or is it all in his sole name
Is it joint monies?or a sole account in his name?
Who told you that you're shit with money?him?

It's a sole account in his name. He tells me frequently that I'm shit with money - spend money on things we don't need. When I was working I had my own account which I guess is still open... it would be tricky to transfer money though I think. He has everything password protected, and I have no access to bank cards. Xxxx

Ok, financial abuse on top of everything else. Sorry.

Thanks for answering seal,it's usual for an adult to have no access to monies
Can you Gather documents you need to claim benefits,dd birth certificate for CB claims ,proof of your id
Do delete your internet history, if you think he knows mn password change it

Thanks for answering seal,it's unusual for an adult to have no access to monies
I'm afraid his behaviour is financial abuse.hes controlling your access to monies.limiting your choices as a result

He says he won't talk to me because I'm crying. And he says he just wants me to be 'normal'. He's sitting on Facebook... clearly he isn't that interested.

Seal I can promise you you aren't shit with money. My ex made it clear HE was in charge of finances and financial decisions and when I left said I'd never manage on my own. Well, here I am 9 years later managing just fine thanks.

In the short term can your Mum book and pay for rail/bus fare to hers. Does she drive? Can she collect you and DD and drive you to hers. Does DD sleep in a bed or a cot?

It IS unusual to have no access to money despite having a bank account in your name. But for the time being speak to your Mum again. Tell her about the no money. I'm not saying LTB but I really think a bit of time away from Stan will help you see the situation more clearly and a talk with your Mum might also help you decide what you want to do from here.

Stan wants you to be 'normal'. Only he is making sure you are utterly miserable and unable to move in any direction unless its the one he has decided. You are not crap with money, you are not in any way not 'normal.' Please trust me here. You absolutely aren't.

deep breath...

Well, I think I am significantly calmer now. I have told Stanley that if he wishes to work on our relationship, then the ball is in his court. I have also told him on no uncertain terms that I'm not putting up with any more BS. If he can't commit to changing his attitude towards me, then I no longer want to be in this relationship.
He tried to turn it on me by saying that if my mental health etc was more stable then he would be able to treat me in a nicer way, but I told him that I deserve to be treated in a nice, kind, loving way by anyone I am in a relationship with. Regardless of bad mental health. And I told him that anyone with a conscience would be supportive through this time in my life - for better and for worse and all that.
He has gone to work now, no doubt with my words ringing in his ears. I don't know what will happen next, but I am so grateful for all the fantastic advice and support you guys have given me so far. Honestly, don't know if I could have found the strength otherwise. Xxxx

Seal, please gather some documents such as birth certificates and other ID and a gew essentials, go to your mum , even if for a short while. Get the child benefit (if in uk) paid into your account . Good idea about foster care for dogs! Don't let this drop- now that you have found the courage to start standing up for yourself- continue! You deserve to be happy and treated with respect and kindness! X

Wow! Bloody well said Seal. You are bloody fabulous. The thing with a lot of controlling people is they are not used to being stood up to and called out on their shit. They rely on beating down your confidence so you go under and can't stand up to them.

It takes so much courage to do what you've just done. Soooooo proud of you! Keep strong. Don't let Stanley make you anything less than the competent, capable and deserving woman that you are. Ever! here's a toast to standing up for ourselves and not putting up with shite!

Well done OP.

Though if your mum will have you I would still go. Get some love and understanding from her, restock and clear your head.

You have a lot of negative self-beliefs, yet you come across as lovely when you write.

The way you describe Stanley sounds like he is a controlling abusive arse. I'm so sorry you are in this situation.

And I defy anyone's MH to be good if they are isolated, unsupported, prevented from moving forwards regarding their studies/employment and with blocks placed in the way of anything that would give them more freedom, choice and confidence!!!!! It's not exactly a recipe for tip-top mental health. People thrive in loving, respectful, equal and supportive relationships.

Yes, well done Seal. I agree, your mental health is suffering because of Stanley, his controlling and his refusal to see what an awful situation he's keeping you in. Isolation with a small child, no affection, mental and emotional abuse, financial abuse (no couples I know have only one partner with access to accounts and no bank card).

You taken a first step. Keep your strength and gather your things. I too think a stay with your mum would be healthy.

Totally agree, a toast to all those who stand up for themselves, and each other! 🥂🥂🥂

Here's to us! I'm still going to take DD to my mums for a few days, gives us both time to cool off and reflect. And it will be nice to have some love from my mum and my little sister.

But I must admit, I'm pouring a rather large drink 🍹 xxxx

Cross posts! Here's to you 🍸🍸