AIBU to feel so lost?

[seal1990]

Hey MNetters,

I'm going to apologise now for the length of this.

Basically things have been ridiculously rough at home for me lately. My DP and I have been together for about 5 years now, and our DD turned 2 in September. We didn't used to fight, but now it's almost constant that we are at each other's throats.

My DP, (let's call him Stanley,) works full time, and he works bloody hard, I am a SAHM - but not really through choice if that makes sense. I love my DD with all my heart, but I miss the company of adults etc. I also miss being able to contribute to bills.

The fights always stem from my loneliness. I can't drive, and we live in the back end of beyond so I'm fairly isolated after he leaves for work. I go for walks around the 'estate' but that only takes up so much time.

Recently I have been trying to tell him how unhappy I am, but I just get shouted down - "I'm at work all day, I would love to be lying on the couch doing nothing." (I don't lie around doing nothing by the way - I have a washing pile that resembles Everest,) "You should be cooking more." "Did you not change out of your pyjamas today?!" Etc etc etc...

It's really starting to wear me down, I already feel like I'm failing at the whole 'mum' thing, and my MIL delights in telling me what I should be doing, while I feel like I'm drowning and I can't see a way out.

Any time I speak to Stanley about this I end up feeling guilty, because I know how hard he is working. And I know it's 'for us'. I guess I need some perspective from other women/mums to let me know if I am being unreasonable to feel so lonely and sad.

Love,

Seal. Xxxx

I do think your mum sounds great.
Re driving lessons could you arrange to have them when DD is at nursery so you don't need to rely on Stan?
Also how does she get to nursery? Might be an idea to make the most of being out already.

Sweets - DD is at nursery for an hour a day at the moment, (it's only her first week and they ease them into it,) which isn't really long enough for a driving lesson. Usually I do a 2 hour lesson because of how far out the house is - takes about an hour to get anywhere that is suitable to practise driving! And DD's nursery wants me to be there while she has her visits at first - in case she needs me. But she's so independent that she barely notices that I'm there 😂

Really good idea to take DD and go to your DM's for a bit. Sometimes when you are right in the middle of a situation it's really hard to see things clearly and accurately.

You deserve your rather large drink :) The biggest toast should be to yourself for taking this first, very hard but absolutely massive step. Look after yourself. Until you get to your DM's be your own good parent. Tell yourself you are doing great, you are going to be ok, that you can change things and deserve to be happy. I bet that's what your DM will be thinking and am sure you'd be thinking the same about your DD in a similar situation. And it's the truth. Keep strong.

Seal,as I said get your ID Documents and DD too.make a CB claim payable to you
I'm glad you felt able to talk to him,you did that.you were proactive.all about you
We can all make suggestions. you found your voice.all about you

Don't let anyone disempower you because you have a mental Heath diagnosis
The mental health Diagnosis doesn't define you,it's not the entirety of you

You're a mum
Smart lassie who got into uni
Strong lassie who's overcome a lot of previous shite

And..
Clear internet history
Change mn password if you think Stan knows it
Apply for child benefit

Hoping you are keeping up the assertiveness and bullshit challenging Seal. Thinking of you and DD and hope you are at/going to your Mum's for a bit of TLC and thinking space.

You've had some good advice here!

Your situation sounds unutterably grim...

As others have said:

He's financially abusive..

To me the worst statement : that he said he does not want to be affectionate... What a complete arse... What sort of utter shit wouldn't comfort their partner when they told them how lonely they felt??

He's put you in a gilded cage and then has a go when you can't escape...

He doesn't want you to drive or go to uni... If he did he would be doing all he could to facilitate, not stopping you ... Both uni and driving would add so much to your life...and also make you more independent of him and his bullying

Please seriously consider leaving this bully, I'm not convinced he will change long term... Please don't waste more time on this oaf, so many folk I know have gone through hideous death throes of relationships, had relationship counselling, partners promised to change and it lasts 4 days... One pal wasted 9 years like this.... She was so relieved when she finally left.

Have a much better, happier life and open yourself to the possibility of the lovely men out there!

Glad to hear you have recognised how unreasonable he is being. I'd be even happier if you recognised that this is not accidental - he is another abuser, and you need to leave! Don't let him use your mental health history against you to make black white - you are not wrong about this. The fact you have no access to money, even an allowance to your own account, speaks volumes. He is trying to control you completely, do not let him!!

Call your mum and ask her to come and collect you and your daughter, and ask Citizens Advice about how to protect your daughter from him.

Hey guys,

Wee update.

I'm staying strong, I've removed my engagement ring etc, and popped it back in the box for him.

I've also had a very frank chat with the dreaded MIL and told her on no uncertain terms that if she doesn't back off, she will no longer be a part of my life. I don't mind her having contact etc with DD - I know how much that would hurt her. But I have now made it clear that I am not going to take her 'advice' or 'criticism' lying down. She can take a sugar frosted fuck off the end of my dick for all I care any more. I won't deny access to DD to anyone in the family, but fuck being an advocate for lying down and taking it.

I'm going to go home with DD for a few days, and see what happens. I've already decided that if I am happier at home then we will be staying.

Also managed to blackmail convince one of my close friends to foster the dogs if needs be. I hope it doesn't come to that but we shall see.

And, more importantly, I have come to the realisation that -

1. I do not need Stanley to be happy.
2. I do not need Stanley to verify my existence.
3. I am a crazy, unbreakable, smart, funny lady and my daughter couldn't do better than me as a role model.

I need to reclaim my self confidence and the love I had for myself. Baby steps at first, but any step forward is a great thing.

Xxxx

Amazing update, OP!

It's so telling that you refer to your mum's house as home.

Keep up the momentum and go home today!

What was Stanley's response?

Seal this is bloody amazing! So so proud of you and I hope you are even prouder of yourself. Hope time at your Mum's gives you a calm and loving space to keep thinking of what you want and how you are going to get it.
Woweeeeeee. And always hold on to those revelations you've had. They are spot on. Keep going girl.

Stanley was fairly shocked I think. There was a lot of stuttering and interrupting. But I was on a roll and told him that I had held my tongue for 5 years while he talked, so the least he could do was to shut it for 5 minutes while I spoke.

Xxxx

Wow - you go girl!
Sounds like you are finding yourself again along with your voice.
Keep it going and keep strong.
I hope you get lots of love and support at home.

Wow Seal! You're very impressive. Things can only go better for you now if you continue to steel yourself. You sound like the kind of person who will thrive around people. You will create yourself a new way soon with a network of friends, family and fun! X

Well done OP! Xx

Yowsa!ya dancer
You found your voice again Seal.great,really well done you
Admiring your profanities may I commend you on She can take a sugar frosted fuck off the end of my dick for all I care any more

Do claim CB payable into your bank account
Get your and do documents

Keep cleaning internet history

And you're a top lassie

Sugar frosted fuck has to one of my all time favourite profanities! I only use it on very special occasions.

CB is being changed into my name as we speak, and I have also told Stanley that the money that I have been 'paid' for doing various clerical work for him is now to be put into my account.

Also spoke to driving instructor and he has cover for a child seat in his car so I'm going to be taking DD with me sometimes! Xxxx

I'm stealin and using that very funny profanity for anyone who gets on ma tits.its that good
And yowsa check you out,you've found you're voice and you're roaring
Set up a sole account CB that's yours

You are more than welcome to use it whenever you need it! I'm glad I could give something back after all the brilliant advice! Xxxx

You are cooking on gas as the saying goes! Incredibly happy for you. I bet Stanley doesn't know what has hit him. It sounds like no one has stood up to him before. Really really well done. Keep on not giving that sugar frosted fuck or (SFF) as I think it could be abbreviated to :)

You are amazing.

I suggest you get to your GP to see if you're depressed. Being stuck with a little one is draining and without other mums to connect with it could definitely take that sort of toll. As for your husband he needs to understand that raising a child is a) an equal contribution to the family and b) exhausting, overwhelming, never-ending. Finally, you need to value your contribution equally too xx

Realised what I missed, good luck with it OP