AIBU to feel so lost?

[seal1990]

Hey MNetters,

I'm going to apologise now for the length of this.

Basically things have been ridiculously rough at home for me lately. My DP and I have been together for about 5 years now, and our DD turned 2 in September. We didn't used to fight, but now it's almost constant that we are at each other's throats.

My DP, (let's call him Stanley,) works full time, and he works bloody hard, I am a SAHM - but not really through choice if that makes sense. I love my DD with all my heart, but I miss the company of adults etc. I also miss being able to contribute to bills.

The fights always stem from my loneliness. I can't drive, and we live in the back end of beyond so I'm fairly isolated after he leaves for work. I go for walks around the 'estate' but that only takes up so much time.

Recently I have been trying to tell him how unhappy I am, but I just get shouted down - "I'm at work all day, I would love to be lying on the couch doing nothing." (I don't lie around doing nothing by the way - I have a washing pile that resembles Everest,) "You should be cooking more." "Did you not change out of your pyjamas today?!" Etc etc etc...

It's really starting to wear me down, I already feel like I'm failing at the whole 'mum' thing, and my MIL delights in telling me what I should be doing, while I feel like I'm drowning and I can't see a way out.

Any time I speak to Stanley about this I end up feeling guilty, because I know how hard he is working. And I know it's 'for us'. I guess I need some perspective from other women/mums to let me know if I am being unreasonable to feel so lonely and sad.

Love,

Seal. Xxxx

Ashes - that's a good idea, I think I will try that. Might meet some others in the same kind of situation. Xxxx

Your in another abusive relationship.

He's isolated you and is using abuser tactics to wear you down.

Not going to Uni, is giving up on your future, what sort of Partner would want you to do that? Or at least not appreciate that and show it?

As said by a pp it's all been about him, but that's what men like him do.

Your very unhappy and things need to change. So now you need to work out a plan how that will happen. The driving is a possible step. But would you want to be able to go to work and still be responsible for all the housework and childcare?

Unless he makes changes, he won't be a part of your future. The danger is that you'll have nothing left, emotionally/confidence etc because of his (and his Mothers) treatment of you.

Birds - how would you go about speaking to him about this without ending up feeling guilty and very upset? Xxxx

at the uni thing OP. As PP have said, you appear to be in another controlling relationship- sending virtual hugs.
Do you see a future with this man? Is he ever going to make allowances, adjustments, compromises? Get out as soon as you can before he destroys whatever self esteem you do have.

In the very short term, what do you do when DD is at nursery, could you get out and about for a bit? what are your neighbours like - are they in during the day? That could be a start re: adult company. Perhaps they could give you a lift into the nearest town/village whenever they're heading out so you'd only have to pay for bus/taxi one way and you can do what you want on your own schedule whilst you're out? Just a thought x

Would one of your family come and get you and could you stay with them for a while?
He sounds controlling.
Why did you move from the village that you loved?
Was that his idea?
I'd get back to my family and some love and support.
You really need it right now.
What you don't need is an abusive controlling dick-head who makes you feel like total shite and is not support to you at all!

So sorry you are feeling like this OP.

PPs are right in that passing your test will give you a lot more freedom, it sounds horribly isolated where you are. Can you have longer lessons whilst DC is in nursery? 2 or 3 hours maybe? Can your DH go out with you on the car so that you can get some practice?

I am also a SAHM & my DH works long hours. He has a established career which pays the bills & my being at home enables that, it's team work! Like your DH though he feels that the grass is greener. He is oblivious to what it takes to run a house & how hard & expensive child care would be if I wasn't at home. In fact just to prove my point DC2 nursery just called to say he's ill & I need to collect him.

Hellsmelons - my mum would come and get me in a heartbeat, and DD too of course. But the issue is our 2 dogs. Stanley has already told me that if I left he wouldn't be able to look after the dogs so they would be rehomed. They are like family to me though and I would be so distraught if they were taken away. I would take them to my mums but she has a dog and a cat already, and not too much space... xxxx

I think it was Lela who mentioned The Archers. I was thinking YES! Not to be flippant but there has been a recent storyline very similar to how you describe yours. It built up slowly over a few years. So so subtle and slow that the character didn't notice until she was mentally very 'fuzzy'

I moved house when my dcs were 2 and 6 months. We moved away from a part of the city where I'd made great friends to the outskirts/countryside. The house was also a complete renovation. For a few months we had no kitchen! (what were we thinking??). I found it very isolating and I can drive! I sank into a huge depression. I was lucky that my dh was supportive. He said we could move again in 6 months or so when I (hopefully) felt better etc. I did feel better. We didn't move. I stayed in touch with old friends and made new ones. However I'll never forget how bleak those days were.

Can you have a serious talk to your dh and say that your mental health is suffering because of where you live? Can you look into moving? If he feels anything for you, he'll take in on board. X

I really think that your DH has isolated you and no matter what you do to help yourself he'll put a barrier in the way so hinder you.

Just for perspective, if I told my DH I wanted to go to uni he would do anything he could to help me and would encourage me endlessly.
When I had PND we obvs had a rough time but he would never tell me that I was making him go off me! That's terrible. Talk about kicking you when you're down!

He's not perfect, we bicker and I have been known to fire off a few pissed off messages to my girl friends about him but if I told him I was struggling like you are he'd move heaven and earth to help me.

Your DH sounds controlling. He wanted to be in control of his own business and he's becoming more in control of you.

Can you go and stay with your mum for a few days? Tell him it's just for a break so he doesn't do anything with the dogs. But it'll give you a chance to get some clarity on the situation and talk to your mum?

Do you have anyone who could take care of the dogs temporarily, whilst you stay with your mum and get in your feet?

Your exuberance and optimism jump out of your posts, but it's mixed with bewilderment at your current situation. I hate to think of you tied to this man who doesn't appreciate you.

He is using your vulnerability after your last abusive relationship, which made you build a wall around yourself for protection, to punish you. When really he should be trying to build you up and encourage you to be confident and go for the things you want. He doesn't want you to drive and go to uni. He doesn't want you to be independent. While you're dependent on him, he can feel superior to you.

I have never watched/listened to The Archers, but I may have to start! I wonder if they have any solutions, because at this rate I may end up either in an asylum, or jail. Which probably wouldn't make too bad of a storyline...
I guess I'm just feeling puzzled. He wants me to drive, but any time I have a lesson he isn't available to babysit. Closest rellies live a couple hours away so it doesn't give me much of a chance to rearrange child care. My driving lesson is always on the same day of the week, which is meant to be Stanley's day off but he now takes a different day off. After me begging the instructor to have lessons on a Sunday to fit in with Stanley's shifts. Xxxx

Like I said about putting obstacles in your way to stop you getting your freedom......

I know what it's like to have no family nearby for childcare. Have you looked to see if there are any babysitting services near you? It took me years to trust using one but the sitters I have used have been lovely. You can look at reviews like Trip Advisor before you book.

You really really need to those driving lessons. I totally understand the worry about your dogs. Mine is like my third child. However, your dh's control and lack of support is very worrying.

The storyline in The Archers has moved in now (didn't end well! Although both characters are still alive but separated). It was such a high profile storyline though that it may still be in the archives.

I called my mum last night and had a mini version of this conversation with her, and she was appalled. I haven't told her everything because she would probably have started lining the space under the floorboards with limestone in preparation for hiding the body. She did advise me to lock up the axe though... oh she of little faith.
She really wants me to come home and visit/stay forever, but she also doesn't want to cause me any problems.
I hadn't thought of looking for a sitter on TripAdvisor, I didn't even know you could do that! Xxxx

Oh my word.

Leave Stanley. You will be eligible for benefits initially. Move into a town and reapply for uni.

Are you getting anything positive from Stanley? How do you feel about him?

Picture your life on ten years - with Stanley and then without.

Even if you find a sitter I bet Stanley will think of a reason why you can't use them.

Your mum sounds lovely (even with the axe talk ) Go and let her look after you for a few days.

Being a SAHM for small children in a remote area with no car and no way of interacting with other people would challenge the mental health of the strongest of us. Added in an unsupportive partner I think you are amazing to have lasted this long.

Phone your mum - tell her everything - ask her to come and pick you up - leave Stanley he's a prick x

It's hard to picture my life without him because I did, (do?) love every him very much. But I'm fed up being constantly confused, lonely, and unhappy. And I also dislike the fact that any time we talk about our relationship, it's always me that has to make changes to my emotions or my attitude. Stanley never seems to acknowledge that he is as much of this relationship as I am, and he is bringing more problems than solutions at the moment.

He has already told me he doesn't see a future with me unless I change. But I can't change unless he is supportive... vicious circle. Xxxx

I hadn't thought of looking for a sitter on TripAdvisor, I didn't even know you could do that

Sorry, I didn't mean look on Trip advisor. I meant a website like sitters.co.uk has reviews for each sitter a bit like Trip Advisor. I'd hate you to waste your time looking on TA!

As hard as it is to leave, (take from an wise owl of 44) I think this relationship has no future. If Stanley just blames you for everything there's nowhere else to go 😢

Ah! Thanks lumberjack!! I'll try that. Thing is, I've tried to change, and I can't without his help. I'm not scared of being a single mum, my mum and dad are divorced, I guess the worry would be how it would affect DD but, staying together for her sake is ridiculous. I think I'm going to have to speak to him as frankly as I can, and just lay it on the line. Worst comes to the worst I know I am strong enough to cope without him, it would be the dogs I would miss Hopefully he would look after them until I got settled somewhere where I could take them back. Xxxx

I love my dogs more than most things in life - but not more than my children - long term your children will be damaged by seeing you in an abusive relationship. Dogs can be rehomed - fostered till you can sort you self - etc - the possible damage to yourself and your children is not so easily fixed

That's a thought Seal, do you know of anyone who could foster your dogs for a few weeks/months? If your mum has dogs does she know of anyone? A dog walker lady regularly fosters dogs for instance. Everyone will know it's temporary. Talk to your mum. A problem shared sometimes seems easier to deal with.

A dog walker lady *I know.

Your mum sounds like a top lady,she supporting you,you can stay,she's there for you & dd
The first priority is You,your dd. Get yourself to mum,have a think,reflect away from Stan
You're smart enough to get in uni,they saw that potential.youre not useless you just feel it, there's a difference

If you feel it won't work and he can't change,and he remains detrimental to you - go
You'll not be the first lassie to leave a bad marriage,and you'll no be the last
I'm not saying that to diminish or demean that option.i simply mean life goes on