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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I over reacting?

126 replies

lolli43 · 22/01/2017 01:28

Hello
I have been in a relationship with man I fell head over heels in love with nearly two years ago...after being in an abusive marriage for 19 years this man was a breath of fresh air..
Recently he has been getting suddenly very angry with me and been distant..going out after work to the pub,sometimes I feel like he's avoiding me.
I know I am ultra sensitive and suffer with anxiety...here's the 'thing'..tonight we have been out to the cinema.when we came out we went to get coffee....Whilst ordering I 'looked' at him funny (he tried to blame the lady who served us that she'd got our order wrong,that he had ordered me something) because he ordered himself something to eat and didn't ask me if I wanted anything...he got verbally mad at me,started saying did I think he was a moron and stupid in the coffee shop,started being verbally aggressive (not only to me but to the lady who served us) he pointed his fingers into a gun,pulled his arm right up..pointed it at me as if he was pulling the trigger...he was shaking his head..giving evil looks to me and the poor lady behind the counter..I felt so ashamed.
The thing is I can't trust my judgement with men.
I am feeling really insecure in our relationship,he is very confident and everyone loves him.
Am I right in thinking the gun thing is very wrong or am I over reacting?
Thank you in advance for any helpful answers :)

OP posts:
haveacupoftea · 22/01/2017 16:33

You have done amazingly well. You are so brave.

Dont let him back in, change the locks. You are loving there alone now, you might be entitled to housing benefit. You can downsize if needs be...you can do it.

The one is out there for you, but it isn't him. Stick to your guns.

SparkyStar84 · 22/01/2017 16:36

You must recall this Hunni from last time, of course it's going to be your fault. He's trying to provoke you and make you feel crap so you beg him 'Don't leave!'
Like others have said let him & take the key. It's his loss at the end of the day.
Go to your GP, explain to them your past, ask for counselling. They might give you a pack on PTSD too. It just gives you basics on how to cope.
This is not your fault. Flowers Please do not let him make you think otherwise.

lookatyourwatchnow · 22/01/2017 16:36

Well done OP. Do not waver. Do not feel sorry for him. He doesn't feel sorry for you, he doesn't feel guilty or remorseful. He's done this, and I can assure you that he has his own set of coping skills. You know that he will never change. You've been through this process once, years of it. Don't waste more years of your life putting yourself through it for a second time. He sounds awful.

Original poster
lolli43 · 22/01/2017 16:41

AcrossthePond You just made me laugh and cry at the same time!
THANK YOU..he's just what's apped me so I'm on here because I can see the start is an apology and I'm not feeling really strong..
Part of me likes the idea of being on my own,it feels very big but in the distance I think I can feel excited too.
I spoke to my son this morning and he said he might come over later for tea with me so I'm going to message him now and see if he's going to come and see his mum..he knows nothing about all this.
I can't contact my friends as I feel like it's been to long..it's like oh I I'm not with him any more let's pick up where we left off..

OP posts:
frenchfancy · 22/01/2017 16:45

It is not too late to get back in touch with your friends. Apologise to them. As long as you are not a needy friend who takes more than they give then I'm sure they will be happy to hear from you. I think good friends are hard to find and you shouldn't give up on them.

SparkyStar84 · 22/01/2017 16:45

I wouldn't allow him back in without you there. You need the keys back or change the locks.
This is not your fault and his justification is total crap. Oh so I'm not allowed to abuse you then? WTF.
Please listen on this, I know you don't want to, but your friends are friends. They saw it, you thought maybe they were being over protective given past circumstances. But you need people to support you through this. He effectively isolated you, don't let his actions affect your future.
I'm sure if you sent a text saying something like 'Hello, hope you're ok, just to let you know split up with Confused I know you were right now, really sorry I let him control me.'
You need as much support as you can get. I don't care if he moved from the moon to be with you, does not excuse his behaviour.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/01/2017 16:46

Oops, didn't see your question.

Of course it's OK to try again. But not now. Not until you've had time to reflect and seek counseling. After my divorce and a disastrous rebound relationship I sought counseling. The first thing she asked me was 'What do you want to accomplish?". I answered "I want to know why I pick such shit men and how the hell do I stop doing it!?!". Took 18 months of counseling and non-dating time to get to the point where I felt 'safe' enough to venture forth into the dating world. It was worth it. I've been married to DH for almost 30 years now (together for 33) and have raised two wonderful boys.

Did you get the keys back? If not, you do need to secure the place (key in lock, door chain or slide bolt). Not because you need to 'fear' him exactly, but because you need the peace and security of knowing that no one, including him, can just walk into what is now your home.

Original poster
lolli43 · 22/01/2017 17:16

I have the keys,he left them on the kitchen side.
AcrossthePond that gives me hope.I will be talking to the lady I'm going to see in the morning and asking her pretty much the same questions for myself..I need to know how I can grow up and cope on my own.
Thank you all so much.
I've read the message from him..it's long..he has acknowledged that he hasn't been nice to me for a while,which is nice but doesn't take away how he's behaved.
My son isn't coming over so I'm going to distract myself with a film and one glass of red wine!

OP posts:
Naicehamshop · 22/01/2017 17:31

Well done lolli - you have been so strong.

Acrossthepond - so impressed by your posts. You are making a huge amount of sense.

MomOfTwins2 · 22/01/2017 18:17

Men like that don't change - please remember that. He may try and play silly mind games, apologise and try and make you feel sorry for him. Make you feel like it's all your fault or all in your head. Please stay strong and don't let him mindfuck you.

Men like that DO NOT change. If he wants another chance and you give him one, chances are that next time it's not only going to be a pointing finger, it may be a fist in your face.

Original poster
lolli43 · 22/01/2017 18:28

Thank you,I'm trying to be mindful that he won't change,trying to remember "Being alone doesn't mean you're lonely" AcrossthePond ...
I want to be strong but I have work to do to get to the point where I feel peace from this.

OP posts:
Atenco · 22/01/2017 18:49

I can't contact my friends as I feel like it's been to long

I have lost friendships through expressing a dislike of their OPs. I am ashamed of my naivité. I would really hate to think that they had wanted to get back in touch at some point and didn't.

Tweedledee3Tweedledum · 22/01/2017 19:09

You deserve much better than that sort of behaviour from a partner, op. Please speak to your GP about it, they should be able to point you in the right direction for support. Flowers

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/01/2017 19:09

I would think about contacting your friends and tell them they were right. And apologise. True friends, who love and care about you will be happy for you. They may be hurt or still angry and some may surprise you with their compassion.

Memoires · 22/01/2017 19:13

Hi there Lolli, well done, you are a strong woman - you've survived two abusive men, and the second time you've got out really quickly, you've defnitely learned something, be proud of that.

I'm glad you've got a counsellor sorted, it's really hard to reset yourself on your own after a relationship like that, anyone needs help with that. The Freedom Programme is great too, so if you can manage both then go for it.

Enjoy your film and wine, you deserve it. You also deserve a man who will respect you and treat you decently. You'll not meet him as long as you're with the Shit so don't let him back into your life no matter what. Moved down from Scotland? His decision ultimately. What was he running from, you can bet there was something.

pinkdelight · 22/01/2017 19:20

Please don't be afraid to contact your friends. My best friend did so with me and didn't need to apologise or feel ashamed or anything like that at all. I was just so glad she was free and could be herself again. This is all just another symptom of him eating away at your self-confidence, making you think you have no friends left and need him. But that's not the reality. Reach out, like you have here. People will understand.

Original poster
lolli43 · 22/01/2017 19:40

This is very hard..I weakened and messaged him to ask if he had somewhere to sleep.He replied saying 'yeah fine'
Stupid me.
He was running actually! His ex would phone the police whenever he went near her,he even spent a night in a cell....but he,for the whole time we have been together has told me how abusive she was to him..he seemed so genuine I can't believe I was THAT naive.I don't know if I believe him or if I've just been completely sucked in.
Trying to keep it together

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 22/01/2017 19:51

Naiceham If I make sense it's because I've 'been there, done that, bought the T-shirt and wore it until it had holes in it!'. Grin

Lolli Call your friends, what have you got to lose? I can tell you that a few of mine had been waiting for my call. They knew it was all going to go to shit at some point and were more than happy to be there for me when I finally opened my eyes. Yes, I had to put up with a few well deserved 'I told you sos' and 'next time maybe you'll listens' but it was well worth it.

Original poster
lolli43 · 22/01/2017 19:51

Something else has just occurred to me..he has to take viagra,I've just checked and he's taken it with him,it was on the side in our bedroom and it's gone😞😞

OP posts:
Original poster
lolli43 · 22/01/2017 19:54

I'm not sure about the friend thing..it's stressing me out thinking about it.

OP posts:
IonaNE · 22/01/2017 20:28

OP, if you don't mind me asking, how long were you single between your abusive ex and this guy? And why is your now-18 year old son living with your abusive ex?

Original poster
lolli43 · 22/01/2017 21:45

I wasn't single long enough...and my 18 year old son is living with abusive ex because he has a house with three bedrooms and I have a one bedroom flat...he stays with me once or twice a week but he's a grown man who's taller and more of a man than his dad ever will be,he doesn't take any crap from him..he knows exactly what his dad is and has told me in the past he is glad I left.
I feel like you are questioning whether I'm a good mum? We have an amazing relationship,I love him with my every breath and I know he loves me too..he also loves his dad which I have never discouraged as he's a man who is capable of making his own choices.

OP posts:
Atenco · 22/01/2017 22:39

OP, this abusive behaviour is just the start. If you go back to him, it will be even harder to break up with him the next time. Your self-esteem will be even lower, while your isolation and fear of loneliness will be even greater. If it hurts now, it would hurt even more the next time and you will not enjoy his company that much either.

MomOfTwins2 · 23/01/2017 00:04

I just saw this, and had to post it. It is incredibly powerful.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/01/2017 01:37

If you don't want to call your friends, then that's OK. Just don't completely discount the possibility of reconnecting somewhere down the line.

For now, just try to rest your brain and your body. I know it's hard, but try not to overthink everything, iyswim.