Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I over reacting?

126 replies

lolli43 · 22/01/2017 01:28

Hello
I have been in a relationship with man I fell head over heels in love with nearly two years ago...after being in an abusive marriage for 19 years this man was a breath of fresh air..
Recently he has been getting suddenly very angry with me and been distant..going out after work to the pub,sometimes I feel like he's avoiding me.
I know I am ultra sensitive and suffer with anxiety...here's the 'thing'..tonight we have been out to the cinema.when we came out we went to get coffee....Whilst ordering I 'looked' at him funny (he tried to blame the lady who served us that she'd got our order wrong,that he had ordered me something) because he ordered himself something to eat and didn't ask me if I wanted anything...he got verbally mad at me,started saying did I think he was a moron and stupid in the coffee shop,started being verbally aggressive (not only to me but to the lady who served us) he pointed his fingers into a gun,pulled his arm right up..pointed it at me as if he was pulling the trigger...he was shaking his head..giving evil looks to me and the poor lady behind the counter..I felt so ashamed.
The thing is I can't trust my judgement with men.
I am feeling really insecure in our relationship,he is very confident and everyone loves him.
Am I right in thinking the gun thing is very wrong or am I over reacting?
Thank you in advance for any helpful answers :)

OP posts:
twattymctwatterson · 22/01/2017 02:36
Flowers
AcrossthePond55 · 22/01/2017 02:36

You aren't a failure. You're only a 'failure' if you fail to learn. And you have learnt that you do not need to put up with his appalling behaviour. You've learnt that you are worth more than that.

It's either one of two things. He's either trying to get you to break up with him or (more likely IMHO) he's 'held his pose' as long as he can and the 'real him' is breaking through. My BFF's ex was this way. All charm and Mr Wonderful Husband until they'd been married about a year. Then the cracks started showing in his facade as he turned nasty and abusive. He couldn't hold the pose any longer.

Break it off with him right away if you aren't living together. If you're living together, start to untangle the strings quietly and dump him as soon as you have.

TheCustomaryMethod · 22/01/2017 02:47

Excellent advice from AcrossthePond.

You should get out of the mindset that anything other than a 'forever man' is a failure. A relationship can be right for a while, but not for the rest of your life. Very few people will stay with a boyfriend they had as a teenager forever - does that mean no one should bother with teenage relationships? They all add up to form the history of your life and contribute to the person you become.

Original poster
lolli43 · 22/01/2017 03:01

AcrossthePond Thank you.We are living together.I will quietly untangle the strings.That feels do-able when you put it like that.
I know that life sews us our tapestry of experiences that make our history..I just believed I'd been lucky and met my soul mate..a good man..which he is at times(a good man),which is why its confusing when things happen like tonight..albeit these times are becoming more frequent .. I believe he is gaslighting me,I had that with the father of my children for 19 years and I can see it starting to happen again.

OP posts:
BusterGonad · 22/01/2017 03:11

Good luck Op, you sound way too good for this man, he sounds like a complete tosser, he's fooled you into thinking he's a nice guy when he's not. You deserve so much better.

SparkyStar84 · 22/01/2017 03:27

Please don't think I've spent or invested all this money in this relationship.
It's a mistake we make when we're vulnerable. Having been in abusive relationship before, you or maybe just I thought, ah it's happened so can't happen again. In a new relationship we over compensate maybe, with treats, to look generous, other reasons too we can't comprehend.
I look back over a past relationship like this, it's only years later I realise it was financially abusive and other things. As well as this freedom training, you need support maybe from a professional with counselling so you can sort out your feelings. I say that as years later this one incidence still really gets to me. I don't want you to hold on to feelings like that.
I wish you the best of luck, with most relationships there are good times, but in all seriousness do they outweigh the bad. You don't want to wait to see what this will turn into, seeing as the warning signs are there.
PS with friends, if they're true friends, you'll be able to reconnect. It'll be good to have a support structure there.

MomOfTwins2 · 22/01/2017 03:31

Coming from an abusive relationship myself, I can only echo what the others say: GET OUT! NOW!!!

And the Freedom program is good - it's what finally gave me the courage to leave my ex. Get hold of the Woman's Refuge or Lighthouse and do the course through them. It really will help.

tararabumdeay · 22/01/2017 04:37

Shooting you with his trigger fingers is not the action of a mature or reasonable man.

Cocklodger, freeloader, waster, user, abuser, gold digger, passenger.

Mine, all of the above, was happy to sell my great grandmother's wedding ring for £15.

Reader, I married him. Now I'm stuck with his ill health, hospital appointments and deathbed supposed love to the end of time.

KoalaDownUnder · 22/01/2017 05:03

Listen to twatty on page 1, and AcrossthePond.

You haven't done anything wrong, please be kind to yourself, but you need to ditch him NOW. He is not right. FlowersCake

TheDowagerCuntess · 22/01/2017 05:43

Don't let the fact that he's kind, nice, decent, whatever, some of the time - or even most of the time - distract you. Of course he is - if he was an arsehole all the time, you'd have walked away in the beginning. It'd be an easy decision to have made.

The best thing you can do for your own self esteem is not be passive. Don't wait to see if things improve, or he dumps you. You decide what's best for you, what happens next, and when it happens. It's all your call, not his.

You don't have to leave him this very second, but as AcrossThePond says, you can at least be untangling the strings. That puts you in control.

SuffolkingGrand · 22/01/2017 06:07

What an appalling abusive controlling cretin.

Stop asking him to explain, justify or normalise his actions; just get yourself out and focus on yourself and your future. Money and shared history are totally irrelevant in these situations. Your sanity and your safety are far, far more important and you can't put a price on those.

SuffolkingGrand · 22/01/2017 06:09

This is really, really scary:

"....he does have anger but without it he would feel weak."

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/01/2017 06:34

Mmm I'm wondering if he's perhaps now onto his next victim now the money is running out. If you are still attracting abusive men, my guess is you've still got lessons to learn about how to treat yourself better. Possibly lessons about loving yourself and putting your needs above all others. I'd also be suspicious that he actually had a house to sell or even sold his house if he owned it. Have you seen his bank account or any paperwork proving this? I'm in total agreement with the other posters, time to take a big step back.

PenelopeFlintstone · 22/01/2017 08:28

Tararabumdeay - have you got life insurance on him???

PenelopeFlintstone · 22/01/2017 08:29

OP - best of luck. That is seriously deranged behaviour on his part. Your judgement on it was correct.

Creampastry · 22/01/2017 08:32

Kick him out now

Original poster
lolli43 · 22/01/2017 08:41

Thank you.I don't even have to ask him to justify or normalise his actions because I do that for him,in my need for things to be 'normal' again...

I contacted a therapist a few weeks ago and have my first season on Monday morning with her but I'll definitely look into the freedom programme.
Honestly thank you everyone.I cannot believe I've put myself from one situation into another...How do we have ever know if they are like AcrossthePond said 'holding a pose' what are the tells?
I though I'd grown up and become a strong woman but his behaviour,it's litrally crept up on me and now I'm in 'it' again..trying not to feel overwhelmed and just brush it under the carpet..
I have to keep strong and address this with myself.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 22/01/2017 08:56

Your friends disliking him and being distanced is a classic sign. Same thing happened with my best friend and it's only now she's done the Freedom programme that she realised it was all part of his manipulation, to make her more reliant on him. She's got rid now and is back to herself again and much happier. Please don't put yourself down for being a 'fool'. You've been through a tough time but sound very switched on, seeing this incident for what it is and using it to see through him. Good luck with the untangling.

icelollycraving · 22/01/2017 09:02

The money is gone either way.
Your future is not. Get rid,be careful.

Original poster
lolli43 · 22/01/2017 11:38

I approached the subject this morning...he says I upset him with how I spoke to him..I was short with him..
Now he's packing to leave .. should I let him go? Am I making a massive mistake?

OP posts:
Original poster
lolli43 · 22/01/2017 11:39

We've had good times..this is confusing.He seems calm and fine.

OP posts:
Original poster
lolli43 · 22/01/2017 11:41

I told him that it is not okay to pretend to shoot me with his hand like a gun..I said that was the last straw for me..

OP posts:
yellowsun · 22/01/2017 11:45

Let him go! X

SecretLimonadeDrinker · 22/01/2017 11:46

Let him go, you deserve so much better then this. Flowers

ThinkPinkStink · 22/01/2017 11:49

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. Believe me; it's him, not you.

It is absolutely not acceptable for a partner to:

Humiliate you in public
Threaten violence
Act aggressively to ANYONE without real cause (i.e. to protect himself or you from danger)

As pp have said, untangle yourself from this situation, please do not brush it under the carpet, it will not get better and it will escalate.

Flowers