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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I over reacting?

126 replies

lolli43 · 22/01/2017 01:28

Hello
I have been in a relationship with man I fell head over heels in love with nearly two years ago...after being in an abusive marriage for 19 years this man was a breath of fresh air..
Recently he has been getting suddenly very angry with me and been distant..going out after work to the pub,sometimes I feel like he's avoiding me.
I know I am ultra sensitive and suffer with anxiety...here's the 'thing'..tonight we have been out to the cinema.when we came out we went to get coffee....Whilst ordering I 'looked' at him funny (he tried to blame the lady who served us that she'd got our order wrong,that he had ordered me something) because he ordered himself something to eat and didn't ask me if I wanted anything...he got verbally mad at me,started saying did I think he was a moron and stupid in the coffee shop,started being verbally aggressive (not only to me but to the lady who served us) he pointed his fingers into a gun,pulled his arm right up..pointed it at me as if he was pulling the trigger...he was shaking his head..giving evil looks to me and the poor lady behind the counter..I felt so ashamed.
The thing is I can't trust my judgement with men.
I am feeling really insecure in our relationship,he is very confident and everyone loves him.
Am I right in thinking the gun thing is very wrong or am I over reacting?
Thank you in advance for any helpful answers :)

OP posts:
whatlifestylechoice · 22/01/2017 11:51

Please let him go. You'll be fine without him, honestly!

maras2 · 22/01/2017 11:54

Let him go.
This is what he's been trying to do.Now he can put the blame on you.' You made me leave blah blah ' Boo bloody hoo.Hmm
Wait for OW to make an appearance.

LeopardPrintSocks1 · 22/01/2017 11:55

He wants you to beg him to stay.

Don't.

Original poster
lolli43 · 22/01/2017 12:00

I've come into town to get coffee and eat chocolate cake..as I left he was still packing his bag with clothes and bits but also putting washing in the washing machine which felt a bit like a stalling tactic but I think if he goes I may feel some relief.Thank you so much everyone,you are really helping me to remain calm and not start begging him to stay...
He said that the 'gun thing' was because I annoyed him and made him really frustrated..I asked him if the next time he might feel like giving me a quick slap instead😳...he said he'd never do that...

OP posts:
TheProblemOfSusan · 22/01/2017 12:01

Let him go. He's shown you who he really is now and you've learned he's not a decent man. Just let him leave and never let him back. Make sure the locks are changed as soon as he's gone.

I'm sorry this has happened again and glad to hear you've got some therapy lined up.

Original poster
lolli43 · 22/01/2017 12:02

I honesty don't know what I'd have done without this thread and all of you.Thank you xSmile

OP posts:
NormaSmuff · 22/01/2017 12:06

where would he go op?
putting things in washign machine and going so easily is odd isnt it?

boolifooli · 22/01/2017 12:07

Gosh he's really trying to screw with your head isn't he. Be prepared for more of the same "you're mentally unwell/paranoid/ignorant". See it for what it is. Stay strong.

NormaSmuff · 22/01/2017 12:08

only you can decide if you want him in your life op

yorkshapudding · 22/01/2017 12:08

as I left he was still packing his bag with clothes and bits but also putting washing in the washing machine which felt a bit like a stalling tactic but I think if he goes I may feel some relief

I would be inclined to give him a deadline to be honest. Telling you he's leaving then hanging around to do his washing (how bizarre!) isn't helpful. He's just trying to confuse you. Is there anyone who could be with you when you go back to the house?

happypoobum · 22/01/2017 12:18

Lolli this is a crucial time.

Please let him go. I am really worried that he won't.

As soon as he is gone you need to get someone round to change the locks. This will be the best money you have ever spent. Do you own your home with him or is it rented or in your name?

People like him prey on the vulnerable. He sniffed you out when you were fresh out of an abusive relationship. Now his mask is slipping and you can see the "real him". You will want to move heaven and earth to bring back the man he originally appeared to be, but that person doesn't really exist. This is him and you don't want to live like this.

Do anything you can to get him to leave. Change the locks, and take it from there. Flowers

Original poster
lolli43 · 22/01/2017 12:21

I need him to go or I'll weaken,we have had some really amazing times and I thought he was my soul mate.
But it's been quite rightly pointed out to me that his 'pose' may have slipped..the kind man he once was doesn't seem to really surface as much,it's been replaced with anger.
He swears he's never had an anger issue but the (Cringe..) criminal record I accidentally found out about through his older son who thought I knew about it...was for being physical (pushing)to his ex..I always believed him because he was SO placid and kind..now I'm beginning to think,there may have been 'red flags' that I have missed...

OP posts:
diddl · 22/01/2017 12:23

Oh good heavens yes, let him go.

The pretending to shoot would be enough for me tbh.

He completely lost it not just with you but also someone else, in public.

Original poster
lolli43 · 22/01/2017 12:25

happypoobum We rent in both our names..I'm not sure how that will work.
I am also worried he won't..the only person I have that is a male and could be with me is my 18 darling son..who lives 30 minutes away with his dad.He is a wonderful boy who I love with every inch of my heart and really don't want him to have to deal with his mum's mess up..
I've lost touch with so many people I previously had in my life.

OP posts:
NormaSmuff · 22/01/2017 12:26

have you been together 2 years op?

ImperialBlether · 22/01/2017 12:27

He thinks you're going to plead with him to stay.

He sounds really awful - if I saw someone threatening to shoot a woman in an argument, I'd try to tell her about Women's Aid.

The money you've spent has gone, but one day when you're are completely free of this cocklodging violent man, you might want to think about why you spent so much money on him.

MissVictoria · 22/01/2017 12:29

I'm so sorry you ended up in this situation. If he hasn't already gone by the time you get home, don't let him stall, tell him he's going and he has to go now. Be prepared to call 101 and ask them to attend and see him out of YOUR home if he tries to back track. He was probably hoping you'd tell him not to go and beg him to stay. I doubt he actually intended to leave when he said he was going and started packing. You've taken a massive step in holding firm and wanting him to go.

caz323 · 22/01/2017 12:29

Oh my God, this man is terrifying. OP, please summon the strength to let him go. He has used you and hid his true self. He is know showing you his true colours. And they are very scary by the sound of it. Please be strong. X

MissVictoria · 22/01/2017 12:31

OP with regard to the fact both your names are on the lease, you could absolutely mention the coffee shop incident as a reason not to feel safe with him in the house with you. He mimicked shooting you, in front of witnesses, he absolutely should be removed.

PovertyPain · 22/01/2017 12:32

OP, you said 'most' of your money is gone. Has he any way of getting his hands on the rest of it? Is it in your account and if so have you got your card with you. If it's in a joint account get to the bank and get as much money out as you can. If it's a joint can he transfer funds. I'm worried you may end up with nothing. I do suspect he's already moved in to his next target"

Atenco · 22/01/2017 12:39

What great advice.

A friend of mine was with a man who was great for five whole years and then he woke up unpleasant one morning and she had another six years of walking on eggshells until she finally got away.

You should still do the freedom programme.
I think the freedom programme helps women see the small red flags in time to drop a relationship before it becomes damaging. I wish the freedom programme had been around in my day. I was in one abusive relationship and that was enough for me to give up on boyfriends, because I didn't want to risk dragging my child into such a situation and I couldn't figure out how to avoid men like that.

honeylulu · 22/01/2017 12:45

Please let him go. Close the door, change the locks, breathe a sigh of relief that it's over. It's too late for regrets and the money is gone. Enjoy your new life. You're worth so much more than this toerag. Above all, don't blame yourself. He was charming on the surface and many people have been fooled in this way.

Original poster
lolli43 · 22/01/2017 12:48

Thank you.I will also now be giving up on relationships as currently I absolutely cannot work out how to avoid men like this.
What a mess.
I have some savings that he can't get to as they are in bonds and a very small amount he could get if he was illegal about it.
NormaSmuff it'll be two years in April..when I look back everything happened SO fast..what was I THINKING..

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 22/01/2017 12:49

Let him go. But don't be surprised if he doesn't. IMO, he's trying to 'scare' you into putting up with his behaviour by threatening to leave. Common tactic, and unfortunately usually a successful one. Don't fall for it.

Right now, don't worry about 'tells' or finding a 'good' or 'the right' man. Right now you have enough to think about. Because the best way to be able to tell this type of man is to look at yourself. Because men like that prey on our weaknesses. So becoming strong and knowing oneself is the best preventative. Resolve to step back from dating for now, do the Freedom Programme, seek counseling to better understand yourself and to change those things that make you vulnerable. Learn to be happy and fulfilled on your own.

joystir59 · 22/01/2017 12:49

Did you have any counselling after you came out of your 19 year abusive relationship? I suspect you have not taken time or had help to process the why of that relationship and often we repeat patterns until we have processed what it is about ourselves that attracts abusive people to us.