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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I over reacting?

126 replies

lolli43 · 22/01/2017 01:28

Hello
I have been in a relationship with man I fell head over heels in love with nearly two years ago...after being in an abusive marriage for 19 years this man was a breath of fresh air..
Recently he has been getting suddenly very angry with me and been distant..going out after work to the pub,sometimes I feel like he's avoiding me.
I know I am ultra sensitive and suffer with anxiety...here's the 'thing'..tonight we have been out to the cinema.when we came out we went to get coffee....Whilst ordering I 'looked' at him funny (he tried to blame the lady who served us that she'd got our order wrong,that he had ordered me something) because he ordered himself something to eat and didn't ask me if I wanted anything...he got verbally mad at me,started saying did I think he was a moron and stupid in the coffee shop,started being verbally aggressive (not only to me but to the lady who served us) he pointed his fingers into a gun,pulled his arm right up..pointed it at me as if he was pulling the trigger...he was shaking his head..giving evil looks to me and the poor lady behind the counter..I felt so ashamed.
The thing is I can't trust my judgement with men.
I am feeling really insecure in our relationship,he is very confident and everyone loves him.
Am I right in thinking the gun thing is very wrong or am I over reacting?
Thank you in advance for any helpful answers :)

OP posts:
SemiNormal · 22/01/2017 12:52

You are not over reacting at all. If someone was to do that to me I would absolutely leave them, I've also been in abusive relationships but that shit wouldn't wash with me any more - the action of making a gun with his hand and pulling the trigger was intended to frighten you, it was intended (in my opinion) as a threat, take it seriously.

HashiAsLarry · 22/01/2017 12:58

Hope you get home to find he's buggered off. Suspect he won't be though. You aren't overreacting at all.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 22/01/2017 13:13

It's actually brilliant that you have seen this at a relatively early stage. Think of all the abuse and mindfuckery you have saved yourself.
I don't think he really intends to go though. If your son could come, that might be helpful. My teenager would be furious if I felt threatened and didn't ask for his help. Or perhaps ask the police? Actually, a female witness might be just as good, since 999 would be the only reaction needed if he get violent. Whatever you think would be best really, but please don't try to deal with him alone.

Naicehamshop · 22/01/2017 13:24

Has he gone OP?

I hope that you are now relaxing at home without this awful man.

Original poster
lolli43 · 22/01/2017 13:35

He referred this morning to the fact that I put up with abuse for years from my ex husband but...he trailed off,I asked him to continue..he said he 'just doesn't understand'.. i.e you'll take it from ex but not from him!
I understand everything you are saying and AcrossthePond,it doesn't matter now about 'tells' I always said I'd never be with another man,I should've listened to myself.
JoyStir I had counselling for two years to help me build up strength and courage to leave the father of my children..I thought I was brand new and wouldn't ever fall for abuse again.
I have a path to get back on.
I'm strong inside but I know I come across as weak as I'm eager to please and hate confrontation...

OP posts:
Original poster
lolli43 · 22/01/2017 13:43

Naicehamshop ..I'm still out..can't face going back and he's still there.I'm worried I'll weaken..even though this morning when I was looking at him I saw him a little bit differently.He is very good looking(he knows this)takes care of his appearance etc..
When certain traits come through I guess it can change how you look at someone...I never did think I was good enough for him..it's concerning me what's going to happen next.

OP posts:
Original poster
lolli43 · 22/01/2017 13:46

ZippyNeedsFeeding Thank you for your post..the mindfuckery bit made me smile! Good word!
Thank all of you.Honestly.This is keeping me from losing it..my anxiety level is pretty good considering what is happening..THANK YOU xxx

OP posts:
yorkshapudding · 22/01/2017 13:56

Could you call 101? Explain that you have asked him to leave and that you have discovered he has a conviction for domestic violence from a previous relationship and he has recently been verbally aggressive and threatening towards you so you. Tell them that you left him packing his things but you are worried he's not really intending to go and scared about going home alone and confronting him. See what they advise.

I understand you not wanting to involve your son. Even a female friend would be useful as he is less likely to become aggressive in front of a witness and it is someone who can raise the alarm if necessary.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 22/01/2017 14:44

Jesus, so he's fully cognisant of the fact that he's abusive to you but expects you to put up with it because he'd feel weak and you've done it before?!

Christ OP. Have you got a friend you can confide in who can come home with you? Because he's absolutely going to beg and make empty promises and if you're not strong you'll fall for it.

Original poster
lolli43 · 22/01/2017 15:05

I honestly don't have anyone I want to ask,everyone's been through it all before with me trying to leave previously with my children's father..it's same story different man..my two best friends could see this coming and I ignored their advice for 'love'..I have to deal with this on my own.
I feel so ashamed
If he's still at home I'll just have to ride it and be as strong as I possibly can..hopefully some self preservation will kick in.

OP posts:
MomOfTwins2 · 22/01/2017 15:16

Lolli - when I left my ex four years ago I left with my children, our clothes and I had £146 to my name. And you know what? I survived. I'm mostly back on my feet again. Whatever happens, however much money you've lost, however lost you feel - you can and will get through this. x

AcrossthePond55 · 22/01/2017 15:28

Do you feel strong enough to send a text asking "Are you gone yet"? It lets him know that you are expecting him to be gone, that if he's playing a game it isn't working. But you'd have to be prepared NOT to enter into a text war with him.

If he says 'yes' , which is doubtful (does he have the means to go to a hotel or friends to go to?) you reply 'thank you' and go by to verify, or better yet send someone round if you can to scout first But please be sure he is gone before you enter the house, even if you have to ask the police or a neighbour to go in with you. If he's truly gone, block him and leave the key in the lock or put a chain on so he can't get back in. But do remember that if the house is in joint tenancy, you cannot legally change locks or 'technically' refuse him entry. But if he showed up, I'd certainly make him get the police before I'd let him in!

If he says 'no' you'll have decisions to make as to whether or not you want to go back and attempt to convince him to leave or whether or not you want to try to find someone else to stay with until you can sort things out.

Are your finances tied together?

Insomnibrat · 22/01/2017 15:49

Please hold your nerve and stand strong. He must go.
Don't let him call your bluff.

There will be mini wobbles and a fair bit of regret to work through but I hope (and think) you know this is absolutely the right thing to do.

x

Original poster
lolli43 · 22/01/2017 16:03

I got home about half an hour ago,he was here sitting on his phone with all the lights off in silence.
I asked him if he was going and he said he was waiting on a couple of people getting back to him...
He's now just left with his bag packed...I asked him to leave his keys...he said he needed to get back in to get the rest of his stuff and he wasn't after my money and wasn't going to rip me off..
I said that wasn't I was worried about..
So now he's gone..didn't try and change my mind just left with out saying goodbye with his bag...

OP posts:
Original poster
lolli43 · 22/01/2017 16:09

I feel alone.I think this is the right thing but I do feel like I love him.
I don't want him to feel like he's taking all the blame.I have triggers from my past that make me defensive and hard work.
What a horrible stupid mess.

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 22/01/2017 16:10

He'll be thinking 'that'll teach her'. He probably has every intention to come back. Don't let him. And get those keys back asap! Well done for being so strong.

Original poster
lolli43 · 22/01/2017 16:12

AcrossthePond55 We do have a joint bank account but there isn't much in it...it's just for bills...God only knows how I'm going to afford to live here and pay bills on my own.
He looked really sad 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
lolli43 · 22/01/2017 16:16

I always seem to be drawn in by who I think people are rather than who they really are..
Not the actions of a strong 43 year old woman😕
AcrossthePond55 Do you think there is any senario where it would be okay to try again...arghh I know the answer already but we were at times very happy 😔

OP posts:
Clearoutre · 22/01/2017 16:18

Thinking of you lolli Flowers you've taken a very brave & significant step towards your future.

Original poster
lolli43 · 22/01/2017 16:23

And he moved down here left everyone and everything..now I've sent him out onto the streets..he's homeless

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 22/01/2017 16:23

Stay strong, don't go back to him. This isn't a good relationship.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/01/2017 16:25

Ok. He's gone. One of the things that held me together when I kicked my abusive XH out was holding on to the peace. My home was peaceful and quiet. I wasn't tiptoeing or second guessing myself. I could do what I wanted when I wanted. If I wanted to eat crisps in bed and watch 'chick TV' I could. If I wanted to dance naked and play the bongos I could do that, too. I didn't have to think about what he wanted. I didn't have to fear his contempt or insults. I knew there would be no 'blowups' or arguing. Peace, quiet, and calm. Being alone is not 'lonely', it is calm, it is peaceful, it is quiet. And above all, it is emotional freedom.

And remember that you don't have to not love him. You can love someone to distraction and they can still be the worse thing in the world for you. Women have loved serial killers, child molesters, and rapists. They have loved men who have beat them, belittled them, and ground them into the dust. Believe me, I know this and so do you! You just need to remember that sometimes love is just not enough. So just acknowledge that. And acknowledge, too, that love does die. And that we must be strong until it does.

I've always loved this quote "Weeping endureth for the night, but joy cometh in the morning". For tonight, let yourself grieve the loss of the dream of 'what might have been', but not the loss of the reality of the man. And then tomorrow, get up, dry your lovely eyes, and march determinedly into your future. Because by getting rid of him, you have opened up a whole world of possibilities and adventures for yourself. Embrace that.

Pinotwoman82 · 22/01/2017 16:26

Don't you worry about him, concentrate on yourself Flowers

Charley50 · 22/01/2017 16:30

Don't take him back. He isolated you from your friends. He's abusing you in other ways. Contact them and tell them you told him to leave.
He's not a nice guy.
Can your DS come and stay overnight?

Clearoutre · 22/01/2017 16:30

Try and challenge your logic - he's gone because of his own threatening behaviour. There is no good reason you would want to live with a person who threatens you.