To think this is not my responsibility

[showcropper]

Just had a big argument with dh about this and need some perspective, will try to keep it as brief as possible.

Dmil has spoken to dh about being upset that she doesn't hear from us much, and that I never call her. Dh has come home and said he thinks it's really nasty of me to not call her more and I have really upset her.

The thing is HE never calls either! I call my dm at leat twice a week to catch up just because I like to talk to her. I honestly never think to call mil as I'm not sure what I would say. She is not awful by any stretch, we just don't have much in common, and I find her a bit awkward.

My response to him was to ask when the last time was he called my mum or dad for a chat? (answer was never) and that I think maybe HE should call his mum more.

Anyway he has gone off in a huff now, but I think that he thinks (and dmil thinks) just because I am female, I should do the chatting/organising visits.

[Mulberry72]

Oooh this is a common reoccurring theme in our house.

DH and his family NEVER phone each other, I on the other hand speak to my DSIS's and DF pretty much everyday.

I like my IL's but have no need/desire to ring them for a chat.

DH gets so much earache for not phoning any of them, but his argument is "well you never phone me, do you? "

[bumsexatthebingo]

Agree with others it's not your problem but why doesn't mil pick up the phone and call her son if she's that bothered rather than creating a load of drama?

[Clandestino]

He's an idiot. His Mum, he should arrange visits and call. And your MIL is deluded too.

[ZippyNeedsFeeding]

It would be weird for my to phone my MIL, but she has been dead for 24 years!
The one and only remotely wifeworky thing that MrZippy does is the family contact stuff. He phones my parents when I don't want to speak to them, he keeps in contact with all of his extended family and will happily blether on for hours on the phone.
In the OP's case, the MIL is partly to blame too- if she wants to speak to her DIL or her son, presumably she knows how to use the phone and can make the call herself?

[honeyroar]

He's a bit pathetic, isn't he! Of course he should be calling his own parents, not relying on you to, but his parents (mother!) should have taught him that. Next time you see her tell her youd presumed her son actually called her himself, as that's what sons do on your side of the family, and that's why you hadn't so often. Say you'd hate to spoil her relationship with him by taking over!

[Foureyesarebetterthantwo]

My husband calls his parents the most, that's his job just as I call mine. However, I do occasionally chat by email/Messenger and the odd Skype call to keep in touch with my PIL as they like to know what the children are up to and how we are as well.

Of course if his mum is feeling neglected, the obvious thing to do is for him to call her more!

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Looks like you've learnt 2 things today 1) mils phone doesn't make outgoing calls and 2) dh doesn't know how to make outgoing calls.

I think there's a wee bit of deflection going on perhaps.

[HarryPottersMagicWand]

YANBU. I have never phoned my MIL, I don't think I even have her number on my mobile. DH's mum, his responsibility. Like you said, they aren't expected to phone our familes so why exactly should we phone theirs? MIL doesn't even phone our house phone anyway, only DH's mobile. Except the time she kept trying to phone him in work (where she knows he can't answer) so she phoned the house to moan to me that he wasn't answering. Not sure exactly what I was supposed to about that.

[harderandharder2breathe]

Yanbu. His mother, his responsibility. Your mother, your responsibility

[Huldra]

mummyoflittledragon the op needs to arrange one important event for dp and
Mil, learn how to make out going calls.

[Olympiathequeen]

I cannot believe the cheek of your DH I am honestly gobsmacked at his hypocrisy!

Tell him that dmil can call for a chat if she likes but you have enough to do.

This is so like the 'now I'm married it's your job to buy cards and presents for my family'. Eff off

[stella23]

Yanbu, does she call you or visit you? Does he call your mum and dad? No I hear you cry. He's feeling guilty and trying to pass it on to you.

He can ring his mum! Well done for not taking any shit.

[SingingSilver]

They both directed the blame at you to avoid confronting the awkwardness that he doesn't call her. And his anger at you is a continuing projection of that.

When he comes out of his sulk, maybe ask him when he last called YOUR mother for a chat? And whatever you do, don't suddenly start calling your MIL, or reminding him to. It's what you're 'supposed' to do to be a good little wife - so please don't!

[QuackDuckQuack]

Does he hold lots of sexist opinions or just this one?

[pithivier]

I get the on really well with my Dils and SIL. I have known them for many years. Never once have we phoned each other, 'just for a chat'. What sort or world does your DH and MiL live in? My DSs and Dd phone for a chat possibly once a month. I thought that was quite normal.

If we need to communicate, for social arrangements or for us to do childcare, then we communicate by text or email.

[TheMysteriousJackelope]

Phone your MIL every Saturday when your DH has settled down to watch TV. Speak to her for a few minutes, then say brightly 'Here's X to speak to you' shove the phone in his hand and walk off.

[MrsMcMoo]

Of course it's not your responsibility to ring his mother. I take a very firm line on wife work and haven't called my DH's mother since 2008. Grr on your behalf !!

[Powaqa]

definately not your responsibility.

I don't call my inlaws, although I do chat to them sometimes during the call that my DH makes. I don't even have their phone numbers.

[StraightWalkingCrab]

I speak to my MIL 2-3 times a week, call to ask how she is or something about the DC and send her pictures every now and again. She usually visits once a week in the warmer months. Only time I speak to FIL though is if I call the house phone by mistake! So, especially if you have DC, I would say YABU, she is part of your family now and deserves to be treated as such.
A bit surprised that people don t have their MIL's phone number, what would you do if your DH had an accident? I call my parents once every 1-2 weeks and DH will speak (Skype) if he's there. They never call me though.

[paintedfences]

Oh FFS of course it's not your responsibility. It's 2017, it's his mother!

[GinGoggles]

Suggest he googles 'wifework' and tell him it's not something you buy into.