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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is not my responsibility

107 replies

showcropper · 21/01/2017 21:22

Just had a big argument with dh about this and need some perspective, will try to keep it as brief as possible.

Dmil has spoken to dh about being upset that she doesn't hear from us much, and that I never call her. Dh has come home and said he thinks it's really nasty of me to not call her more and I have really upset her.

The thing is HE never calls either! I call my dm at leat twice a week to catch up just because I like to talk to her. I honestly never think to call mil as I'm not sure what I would say. She is not awful by any stretch, we just don't have much in common, and I find her a bit awkward.

My response to him was to ask when the last time was he called my mum or dad for a chat? (answer was never) and that I think maybe HE should call his mum more.

Anyway he has gone off in a huff now, but I think that he thinks (and dmil thinks) just because I am female, I should do the chatting/organising visits.

OP posts:
MarmiteDoesYouGood · 21/01/2017 22:25

Lol what a dick. I've NEVER called my MiL for a chat!! Why would I??? She's not my mother! (who incidentally, I talk to at least once a week)

Coffeeisnecessary · 21/01/2017 22:27

Just wanted to add my support here- absolutely ridiculous that he's in a sulk over this. His mum- his phone call. I would never call my MIL, but that's a whole other thread's worth!!

pictish · 21/01/2017 22:27

Yanbu at all unreasonable and your response asking when he next plans to call your mum for a chat was perfect.
I'm sorry for your mil that her son cba to contact her, as I'm sure she loves him to the ends of the earth but it's his failing, not yours.

ChasedByBees · 21/01/2017 22:27

Wow, have you told him he is incredibly sexist?

Ewock · 21/01/2017 22:28

Why on earth does he think you should ring her when he won't? And then to sulk about this fact is unreal. I like my mil but it is not my responsibility to keep in touch with her as I wouldn't expect my dh to ring my dm.

NavyandWhite · 21/01/2017 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrssmith79 · 21/01/2017 22:29

In ten years of marriage I have telephoned my mil precisely twice - both times to thank her for gifts (flowers). YANBU.

Original poster
showcropper · 21/01/2017 22:30

quack no he is not sexist at all usually. Though I think this really is.

Not heard a peep from him yet. Still sulking!

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 21/01/2017 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarmiteDoesYouGood · 21/01/2017 22:30

You don't view her as part of the family then Marmite?

Yep, and we get on pretty well. But I don't call her for a catch up - we just don't have the same bond that I have with my immediate family (which I don't think many people do).

RosyGold · 21/01/2017 22:31

YANBU! It's his mother, he should be the one calling and catching up not you! I never speak to my MIL (she doesn't like me, which is just fine by me!)

LumelaMme · 21/01/2017 22:33

just because I am female, I should do the chatting/organising visits.
Bugger that.

If you get on with your MIL and want to phone for a chat, fine. But, as others have said, it's not your job to organise your DH's relationship with his mother, nor hers with her son. They're both adults.

Chippednailvarnishing · 21/01/2017 22:34

I never call my Mil either, his mother, his problem.

If she wanted to speak to me, I'd be more than happy to have DH pass the phone to me once he had finished speaking to her...

NavyandWhite · 21/01/2017 22:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 21/01/2017 22:36

Dick. As in, he's being one, not you!

ClaryIsTheBest · 21/01/2017 22:40

Not your job. At all.

I wouldn't call MIL without a good reason. She's DH's mother (spiteful woman...). So yeah. Not my thing.

ClaryIsTheBest · 21/01/2017 22:41

And it isn't your thing either, it's not your responsibility to make sure he has a relationship with his mother.

I personally see my contribution as not obstructing and being polite. Period.

EweAreHere · 21/01/2017 22:47

Let him sulk. It's totally his job to stay in touch with his parents, not yours, and he knows it. He just wants you to do it because you're the girl.

To hell with that!

He owes you an apology for having a go at you and calling you nasty for not calling his mum more. A real apology. I'd interrupt his sulk and tell him this.

sophiestew · 21/01/2017 22:47

Agree with everyone else.

This is wifework pure and simple.

Who buys MIL birthday/mothers day card and presents?

It's absolute bollocksy shit to suggest you are responsible for making DH personal phone calls to his mother for him. Fuck that shite.

themorus · 21/01/2017 22:52

Hibu , his mum, his responsibility.
Situ, to even mention you in the conversation.
It wouldn't occur to me to phone my mil unless something was wrong with DH.

He is sulking I suppose as he has been made to feel guilty by her...

pictish · 21/01/2017 22:53

I get on fine with my mil...she lives just around the corner from us and I'm quite happy to maintain a relationship with her because we have developed one of our own.
My husband has never told me I have to have a relationship with her to save him the bother.

Hidingtonothing · 21/01/2017 22:54

My PIL moved to the other end of the country not long after we got together. DH is rubbish at keeping in touch and I know it upsets MIL but, as a PP pointed out, she never rings us either. I see no reason I should take responsibility for contact when neither DH or MIL do, why would I?

I love that you made the comparison with him calling your parents OP, it's ludicrous that it's expected of women but not men.

CrazyCavalierLady · 21/01/2017 22:55

YADNBU it's not your job at all. I spent many years being the one trying to initiate contact with my PILs even though they weren't great fans of mine (the feeling was mutual but I felt we should have a relationship for the sake of DH and our children). About 6-7 years ago I decided to stop. No one appreciated my efforts, my DH could care less, my grown children are responsible for their own relationships (which they mutually retain with my parents) and I was sick of hearing about my SIL and her family/life so I just stopped. I'm not sure my MIL noticed, she's never said anything nor has she EVER called me since (only ever rings DH).

We are courteous and friendly (ish) when we see each other, in fact we are heading there today for her birthday, but that's it and I prefer it this way. I believe MIL calls DH once every week or so now

DJBaggySmalls · 21/01/2017 22:58

You call her twice a week, he never calls her, and he thinks you're nasty and is sulking?
How often does she ring you?
Tell him he's a massive knob and owes you an apology.

BlueClearSkies · 21/01/2017 22:59

I phone MIL once a year to thank her for my birthday flowers. I don't have their mobile or land line so ask Dh each time. They are his family, not mine and I have practically nothing to do with them. I have not even been to their house in 5 years. I am not expected have a relationship with them.