To think this is not my responsibility

[showcropper]

Just had a big argument with dh about this and need some perspective, will try to keep it as brief as possible.

Dmil has spoken to dh about being upset that she doesn't hear from us much, and that I never call her. Dh has come home and said he thinks it's really nasty of me to not call her more and I have really upset her.

The thing is HE never calls either! I call my dm at leat twice a week to catch up just because I like to talk to her. I honestly never think to call mil as I'm not sure what I would say. She is not awful by any stretch, we just don't have much in common, and I find her a bit awkward.

My response to him was to ask when the last time was he called my mum or dad for a chat? (answer was never) and that I think maybe HE should call his mum more.

Anyway he has gone off in a huff now, but I think that he thinks (and dmil thinks) just because I am female, I should do the chatting/organising visits.

[pictish]

He is sulking because he has no reasonable explanation for his stance other than, "You're a woman, you're supposed to do this stuff." and he knows you are right and he is a dick.

[Sweets101]

Nothing against you OP but I imagine it's her son she really wants to hear from anyway

[JaniceBattersby]

I think, now you've explained it, he knows he's made a bit of a dick of himself and he's probably working out how he can let you know this without having to do a massive climb down.

But yes, he is being a dick.

[Niskayuna]

Ugh, wifework.

That shit died in the 50s. His mother, his problem. She's not your mother and you do not have to call her. None of this "oh but it's family" nonsense.

I do not contact my in-laws.

[Cherrysoup]

So he doesn't phone her, she doesn't phone him, but you're supposed to?! Wtaf?? Stupid and for him to be sulking is pathetic.

[pictish]

That's what I think Janice. He hasn't got a comeback for OP's response because she nailed it. It made his argument seem ridiculous because he had no reason behind it other than...well you know, vagina.

[cordeliavorkosigan]

It's those vaginally-operated phones that are the trouble...

[StrangeLookingParasite]

Emotional labour

[Liiinoo]

YANBU. I have been married 30 years and am very fond of my MIL. To the best of my recollection I have never, ever rung her. We aren't the sort of family who calls for chats (we all live reasonably locally so catch up in person) and if something needs to be communicated between visits my DH calls her. Equally I don't think DH has ever rung my mum. Why would he? She's his MIL not his mate.

[DonaldStott]

Oh god this is age old. Nrtft, but soon as I read your OP, I can relate. If tables were turned and dh had to humour my m as much as I humour his, god knows. Luckily, my dm is not a needy, need all my family in my picket, type of person. THANK FUCK

[showcropper]

So I've had an apology.

It was a bit sheepish, but he has never been good at admitting when he is wrong.

He said he feels bad for mil as she as not involved with dcs as my parents. And because I tend to manage all things dc related, she feels she misses out.

My response;
Firstly your dm is more than welcome to see the dcs whenever she wants to please take them away so I can drink/sleep

Secondly dh, I would love it if you got more involved with the childcare/ dc dailiy logistics. So problem solved!

[Italiangreyhound]

YANBU.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Wifework. That's what your DH wants you to do. Wifework

[chickalickaloo]

He's probably using the argument back on you because he feels guilty! And rightly so! I loved your response! Well done!
I think men are generally bad at keeping in touch because they are well.. men... and lazy!
I have to constantly remind DH to keep in touch with mil. It's annoying but I've accepted it.

[Awwlookatmybabyspider]

YNBU. As others have said. Its his mum. He can't expect you to be bothered if he clearly isn't. Hes blaming you to eliviate his own guilt.

[melj1213]

just because I am female, I should do the chatting/organising visits.

"Sorry, I am his wife, not his social secretary ... if you want to arrange something, feel free to call me if you can't get hold of him but I won't be calling you!"

[kelj2]

Yanbu at all. He should be calling his mother not relying on you to do it. It would be different if you got on super well. It's not like you're being rude to her and you're friendly but if you don't have anything specific to chat about then I don't understand why you need to call

[mrsmuddlepies]

Since my father died, my husband has been brilliant at keeping an eye on my mother's house. He does a lot of the pruning in her garden. Shifts furniture, mends lights and does day to day repairs. She is grateful and so am I. However, I did loads for his parents before they died, washing and shopping etc. It's part of being a team and supporting one another. I know lots of my friends husbands who are similarly kind and supportive of their ILs in old age.
Some of you sound so harsh with your refusal to engage with your extended families. It means a lot to me to know that my husband is always going to help and support me with elderly relatives. A trouble shared and all that. I know I can completely rely and trust him to support me ( and that includes those I love) and vice versa.
I have also entertained my friends elderly relatives. It is easy to be kind and I know how much it is appreciated. If you smugly refuse to help anyone outside your immediate family, you may find that people are less sympathetic when you have troubles of your own such as illness and bereavement. One thing life has taught me is you reap what you sow.

[EmeraldScorn]

I'm sure his mum would much rather her own son made the effort to phone her, instead of trying to palm it off as a burden onto his wife!

She is his mother, if he's that concerned at how upset she is at not being included in his life then he should rectify the situation, it's not your job to appease his family, you have your own mum.

[Quietdefiant]

YANBU, he's transferring his own guilt onto you. Men are good at that

[mimishimmi]

YANBU, he's the one who should call his mum..

[Groovee]

I contact MIL. Usually to help me out with the children or to invite to dinner but dh often calls his mum or dad and I speak to mine too.

But I wouldn't call the inlaws just to chat.

[Juanbablo]

Yanbu. I never phone MIL. She's lovely and I occasionally text if I have particular news, but dh calls her every day to chat. It's his mum, his job. He would never call my dad and I wouldn't expect him to.

[Hidingtonothing]

mrsmuddle, I dont think refusing to take responsibility for something our DH's are perfectly capable of doing for themselves is indicative of a lack of support for their side of the family in times of need at all.

My DH knows he can rely on me to be there for his parents if/when the need arises, in fact I've raised concerns with him about how we will support them as they get older because they live so far away and suggested possible solutions. I don't feel any less committed to helping them should they need it than I do my own parents but it's up to DH to set the tone of our relationship with his side of the family and decide the level of contact we have with them.

I can only speak for myself but there is certainly no 'smug refusal to help' on my part where DH's family are concerned, just an acknowledgment that the level of our relationship with them is his choice.