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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to blame a clunky discipline system for my child's poor confidence?

59 replies

Almostrubbish · 21/01/2017 18:47

My child attends school where the teacher hands out strikes if you're 'bad' and bonuses if your good all day long. My child is bright and talkative and a people pleaser but confidence has been shattered by high numbers of strikes early in the day given without warning. 10 can accumulate meaning no end of day treat and huge shame and lack of respect. My suspicion is it is all for talking my DC has no idea. Aibu?

OP posts:

TeenAndTween · 21/01/2017 18:53

First step. Talk to the teacher to check why he/she is getting the strikes, and also mention the drop in confidence.
Then go from there.
How old is your DC? By juniors they should be well aware not to be chatting at the wrong time.

RedHelenB · 21/01/2017 18:54

YABU> All teachers give warnings, your dc needs to learn to heed them! Non stop talking is very disruptive.

JellyMouldJnr · 21/01/2017 18:56

If your Ds doesn't know why he's being given warnings, they're a bit pointless! That's the point I'd raise with the teacher.

Crumbs1 · 21/01/2017 19:00

YABU a teacher needs to have a behaviour management system in place. If your child is talking when they shouldn't be then they deserve one or more. Confidence drop is possibly more about your attitude to the sanction and blowing it into a problem when it isn't. Or the confidence drop is from the child realising the sun doesn't always glow exclusively around them - good lesson to learn early on. Why would you make a fuss?

Dementedswan · 21/01/2017 19:03

10 strikes! They are lucky. At ds school they get three and they lose treat time. If they lose treat time three times they go on a behaviour chart.

I'm surprised the teacher has not spoken to you about it. I'd ask . But all schools have some sort of behavioural system in place. Imagine the chaos if thet didn't.

steff13 · 21/01/2017 19:05

So the teacher had never explained to the class what sort of behavior is expected? If not, you're not being unreasonable. But, if the rules have been laid out, I think it's unreasonable to expect a warning for every infraction. If he talks when he isn't supposed to, then the strike is a foreseeable outcome.

corythatwas · 21/01/2017 19:16

You need to talk to the teacher to find out what is going on.

If it is the talking then you need to back the school up at home by explaining to your dc why it is not a good thing: it is rude to the teacher who is trying to teach and it makes it difficult for his friends to learn.

I had a little chatterbox too; it took the concerted effort of school and home to make him see why he needed to reign himself in.

harderandharder2breathe · 21/01/2017 19:19

Yabu, sounds like he is getting strikes for minor bad behaviour, such as talking while the teacher is talking, not paying attention to instructions. Children shouldn't need a warning to know not to talk when the teacher is talking. And ten strikes before a lost privilege is hardly one minor infraction and he's missing out, it's persistent low level bad behaviour.

By all means seek clarification but don't expect the teacher to change things because your PFB doesn't like being punished for misbehaving

stella23 · 21/01/2017 19:22

She needs to learn to stop talking xx

stella23 · 21/01/2017 19:24

She needs to learn to stop talking xx

RortyCrankle · 21/01/2017 19:26

Have you actually spoken with your child, whom you describe as bright and talkative, to reinforce how she/he should behave in class? It probably needs both you as the parent and the teacher to deal with the issue.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 21/01/2017 19:27

Why would your kid not know if it was for talking? Surely he should know not to talk?

corythatwas · 21/01/2017 19:29

Ouch, spelling- rein himself in!!!

TheTroubleWithAngels · 21/01/2017 19:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Parker231 · 21/01/2017 19:38

Sounds like your D.C isn't abiding by the rules and isn't happy being punished. if they follow the rules they won't get their treats taken away.

arethereanyleftatall · 21/01/2017 20:15

The first one could be the warning for the next nine?

Original poster

Almostrubbish · 21/01/2017 20:21

Funny responses. I have a people pleasing child. Dc follows rules and worships teachers instinctively. DC is now becoming anxious and withdrawn. DC is scared to put pen to paper despite being a bright child. The fear and the rapidly diminishing confidence despite clear ability is terrifying to watch as a parent. DC spends 1 day at home and is changed, polite happy anxiety goes, lifes enthusiasm returns behaviour returns to beautiful manners charm takes no for an answer. Very distressing wish I could pin down the problem at school pretty sure something is awry. Wondered if it was strikes clearly the teachers on here love them.

OP posts:

steff13 · 21/01/2017 20:23

It doesn't make any sense that a people pleasing child is getting so many strikes. What does the child say the strikes are for?

Original poster

Almostrubbish · 21/01/2017 20:24

I need to emphasise this is not a disruptive child. This is a child I am worried is actually deriving confidence from authority and am concerned when trying so hard and getting only rejection back is disintegrating before my eyes.

OP posts:

Morphene · 21/01/2017 20:24

wow. well I can see how that prepares children for the adult world. I got awarded 10 strikes myself the other day for speaking out of turn in a meeting....I should have sat silently being the junior team member and all. It meant I wasn't allowed to get a biscuit with my tea in the afternoon, and I had to sit at a separate naughty table too, to make sure everyone knew I had misbehaved.

I mean...WTAF.

It's just a thought...but maybe we could start off on the right foot by treating children like people rather than slightly malfunctioning robots?

steff13 · 21/01/2017 20:26

So, the child is getting strikes despite perfect behavior? In that case, I'd definitely complian. Regardless, I think a conversation with the teacher is in order.

Morphene · 21/01/2017 20:27

OP you absolutely have to go into the school and find out what is happening from the teacher.

You can work out an appropriate response once you know what is actually happening.

Original poster

Almostrubbish · 21/01/2017 20:28

Dc doesn't understand and the system dc so readily and eagerly defends now something starting to give up on. DC is giving up trying to win favour due to effort (knackering soul destroying effort) clearly not drawing any favour. Please be clear DC doesn't attack the system is in fact defending it. I am growing concerned that if the system is so great why is a child who backed it and tried so hard to part of it feeling so excluded and rejected when not even naughty and above averagely bright. Doesn't add up. Trust me this is not about chaos

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 21/01/2017 20:30

The first thing to do is find out what the strikes are for.

corythatwas · 21/01/2017 20:30

What steff said. Basically, you need to find out what is really going on. If your child does not understand the rules you need to help her/him to negotiate them, if the rules are unfair or unfairly applied then you need to think about where to take that.

But you will not be able to help your child in any way unless you are prepared to go in with an open mind and hear the other side of the story.

And no, I am not a school teacher.

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