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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to blame a clunky discipline system for my child's poor confidence?

59 replies

Almostrubbish · 21/01/2017 18:47

My child attends school where the teacher hands out strikes if you're 'bad' and bonuses if your good all day long. My child is bright and talkative and a people pleaser but confidence has been shattered by high numbers of strikes early in the day given without warning. 10 can accumulate meaning no end of day treat and huge shame and lack of respect. My suspicion is it is all for talking my DC has no idea. Aibu?

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Crusoe · 21/01/2017 20:30

Well said Morphene! Punishment rarely gets the best from people. Why do schools insist on punishment for poor behaviour rather than teaching how to behave appropriately.

steff13 · 21/01/2017 20:32

It sounds like there are rewards available, too, though, not just punishment.

Almostrubbish · 21/01/2017 20:32

I should also we never tell DC to misbehave but are now considering suggesting value is more than strikes seems to be really impacting confidence. Primary school is supposed to be fun especially if you find work fun and easy which DC does. The level of anxiety isn't appropriate can't understand its root.

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Tissunnyupnorth · 21/01/2017 20:34

With respect, you are making huge assumptions about the 'system' without having even approached your child's teacher. I'm surprised that you display such emotion on the subject but haven't even made an appointment to see the teacher concerned.

Almostrubbish · 21/01/2017 20:34

Yes DC used to kill for the rewards but seems to have given up. They are not for children like DC.

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steff13 · 21/01/2017 20:34

OP, the more you post, the more confusing I find this situation. You're planning to tell your child to misbehave?

Astro55 · 21/01/2017 20:34

It's worth remembering that small issues are actually a big problem at school - you may encourage the chatter - but it's more important to listen - to hear and understand

A teacher being constantly talked over is going to be cross when she has the attention of 29 other children - with one distracting the rest

Maybe he doesn't know what to write because he didn't listen to the instructions?

He may well want to please but he's going the wrong way about it

steff13 · 21/01/2017 20:36

Really, there's no way to resolve this without talking to the teacher.

Almostrubbish · 21/01/2017 20:39

DP has talked to teacher a lot I have made an appointment to see them. I am from a rough background so to start with I felt DC just needed to get on with it. But enough is enough. DC starting to give up activities and limit hopes and dreams because confidence and excitement in life's opportunities were felt to no longer apply. Sat down on way home and mentioned wanting to die!!! Just feels effort Unrewarded and endlessly punished. Oh well I know what up against now. Clearly this is what the teacher thinks. I vaguely remember my teacher telling my friends aged 9 that I was a bad influence and disruptive and would never amount to anything I was curious and boisterous and opinionated and LOVED school - well I did thank god later teachers managed it better.

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CancellyMcChequeface · 21/01/2017 20:40

I'm really sorry that this is happening to your child and they're feeling this way! In my experience, both as an educator and, long ago, as a very adult-pleasing child at school myself, sensitive children take mild rebukes much more seriously than others. I'm going to assume, since you haven't said anything to the contrary, that your DC isn't a constant and deliberate rule-breaker but that the discipline policy in this classroom is a bit heavy-handed.

You might get a few comments about building resilience, but the difficulty is that to a child for whom this isn't natural, just being told that the strikes are deserved/they should get on with it/etc isn't emotionally helpful. What I'd advise (and what I think would have helped me as a child!) is that you tell your DC that getting strikes doesn't affect your opinion of him/her in any way, and that it doesn't make them a bad child or a bad person. Presently, helping them with confidence and self-esteem takes priority over telling them off for talking in the classroom - they're getting that at school already! Discussing it would be a good idea, but in a relaxed, non-judgemental way, since you don't want to exacerbate the anxiety.

Learning to deal with criticism (however much deserved) is very difficult for some children, and it's important that they know on an emotional level that it's the particular behaviour that's unwanted, not them as a person. It's difficult. Classroom management techniques are designed for the average child who probably wouldn't be as affected by the 'strikes' as your DC is. A one-size-fits-all policy might seem fair to the school, but it disproportionately effects the sensitive and conscientious.

Almostrubbish · 21/01/2017 20:41

I would never tell a child to misbehave. I am learning though that equating strikes with self worth has zero positive outcomes in education at primary school.

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steff13 · 21/01/2017 20:42

So, your partner has spoken with the teacher? Why does she say your child is getting strikes, then?

Almostrubbish · 21/01/2017 20:43

I appreciate your thoughts cancelly that makes sense

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Almostrubbish · 21/01/2017 20:45

I think I'm starting to understand the approach I need to take with teacher. What can you do to champion my child what are we going to focus on that DC is doing right so that the feeling isn't one of utter desperation and anxiety. I can try the confidence building stuff at home too. Thank you MN you are as ever an insight into what others think.

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HappyJanuary · 21/01/2017 20:46

Stop making assumptions and talk to the teacher.

No teacher wants a child in their care to feel like this.

You need to find out what the behaviour policy is, and how this particular teacher implements it.

All schools have rewards for achievement and sanctions for repeated misbehaviour, so you need to understand why your child is falling foul of a system that is presumably working for the majority of children.

Why does he feel his good efforts go unrecognised? Why is he getting punished for perfect behaviour? None of it adds up, you need to ask.

Almostrubbish · 21/01/2017 20:47

Teacher claims everything is fine!?!?!! Nothing to worry about. Well why is my child falling apart then?

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steff13 · 21/01/2017 20:49

Well, if everything was fine your child wouldn't be getting 10 sanctions a day. You need to follow up. If she says everything is fine, say, "then why is my child getting 10 sanctions a day?!"

corythatwas · 21/01/2017 20:51

First of all, you need to get a clearer idea of why your child is being sanctioned.

Is it because of the talking?

Then you need to try to understand what this is like from the teacher's pov and from the pov of the other children. Remember that not all children are going to be bright like you say yours is: for a child who is struggling an atmosphere of low disruption can completely ruin their chances to learn.

Then you need to make it clear to the teacher that you absolutely support her general aim of having a quiet classroom.

And then you need to discuss how this can be achieved at the same time as bolstering your dc's confidence.

arethereanyleftatall · 21/01/2017 20:51

I think the approach you need to take is a very simple question, 'could you tell me please why my dc is receiving strikes?'
And then go from there.

Almostrubbish · 21/01/2017 20:54

Arethereanyleft atall - thats right. I've got the appointment now I know how to frame it.

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Almostrubbish · 21/01/2017 20:58

Other parents have requested to avoid the teacher and succeeded I was naive enough to think them precious am starting to think I was the idiot.

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harderandharder2breathe · 21/01/2017 21:01

Not a teacher.

You sound quite over dramatic tbh. Your child's hopes and dreams hang on strikes for talking in class? Really?

Maybe they're finding the current work harder than they normally do, which can be very discouraging for a child who's always found it easy. Or are there issues with friendships in the class that are affecting mood and also concentration? If your child is as changed as you say I'd be looking for something deeper wrong than getting in trouble for talking in class.

I really don't think there's anything wrong with a system that punishes low level disruption (talking) in a classroom with a ten strikes and you lose a privilege.

Almostrubbish · 21/01/2017 21:15

I'll be clearer child wanted to be a scientist now not confident about ability to do that. By the way ridiculous in terms of ability so far. Ten and out I wish. 3 and out 10 means no perceived hope of ever being 'in' so high numbers mean attainment probably feels impossible. I will go in I think there is more than meets the eye too. I do feel dramatic the change in behaviour in my child at such a young age is alarming. I left it for quite a while as I agreed with all of you DC needed to learn to navigate socially, emotionally, behaviourist a classroom - teachers, pupils etc. But prior 'schools fantastic' and perception of limitless horizons under prior teacher have collapsed. My Job I can see is to work with teacher for a solution. But I am pretty angry

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Parker231 · 21/01/2017 21:38

I think you need to leave your anger at home. You don't know what has been happening - your DC is obviously doing something wrong to have been sanctioned so much. He is unhappy at being punished and this has affected his enjoyment and confidence at school. You need to find out what he is doing wrong and work on correcting this so that he is no longer punished.

corythatwas · 21/01/2017 21:44

Sorry, but you are not making much sense.

If your child is being given sanctions, that is not about ability- it's about behaviour. He needs your help (after you have talked to the teacher) to understand what he needs to do for his behavioural record to improve.

And he needs your help generally to grow resilience, to understand that difficulties are there to be overcome, that a set-back doesn't mean he has to give up on his dreams forever.

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