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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to get married like this?

82 replies

thetwocultures · 21/01/2017 00:29

DP and my parents don't speak. There's a lot of reasons for it but I just absolutely hate it! It's making me sad and angry just thinking about it.
I'm a very family orientated person and to me it has always been a priority in my life so this is a HUGE deal for me.
Here's the thing, I don't have many ambitions or dreams I always just wanted to be settled and have a happy family so this situation is like my worst nightmare. I'm not a super girly girl but the one thing I have always dreamt of in my life was a beautiful wedding with everyone important there to share the day with me and the right person.
Now we are engaged and have been since before the fall out and we were talking about the situation today and how we see it, DP said him and my parents are two seperate things and at our wedding obviously he will be there and they will be there and they'll say hi and that's it. In the heat of the moment and all the emotions buzzing about I said if that's how it'll be I don't want to get married like that and now we are not speaking...

I wanted my wedding to be a happy occasion for everyone not me being upset at how the most important people in my life aren't speaking to each other or how upsetting it will be whenever my parents come up to me or I to them and DP will just walk off or whatever.

AIBU to feel like this?

OP posts:
Dilligaf81 · 21/01/2017 00:30

Your not BU but if you want that you need to sort out why they fell out. Without it being sorted it will be fake and you'll know it.
What happened, is it fixable ?

Pumpkintopf · 21/01/2017 00:32

YANBU but whatever happened to cause the fall out needs sorting before the wedding. Is there a willingness on both sides to resolve matters?

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 21/01/2017 00:33

It's an emotional thing so YANBU to feel sad about the situation but I think you ABU to invest so much in the idea of a perfect day. Perhaps focus on why you are getting married rather than the postcard idea of how you feel the day must be?

VenusSurprising · 21/01/2017 00:35

Ditch him.
He has communication problems.
Not speaking to his fiancé...... wtf?

You deserve better.

GinGoggles · 21/01/2017 00:36

Sounds like huge backstory! Though I don't see, without any more information, why you thought an ongoing stand-off would be resolved because you have a rosy vision of one specific day? Did you think the wedding would force an entente?

GarrulousGrimoire · 21/01/2017 00:36

Sorry but he doesn't sound like the right man to marry anyway, the day is just the day but the rest of your life you need to think about.

Do DCs end up never seeing your parents as they are half DPs? Do you get isolated? Family shouldn't not speak to one another, it needs to be something fairly major for that to happen and then I'm afraid it's not realistic for you to have a relationship with them and DP not.

What happened?

GarrulousGrimoire · 21/01/2017 00:38

Oh and if his solution to everything is not speaking like a 2yo LTB. Seriously reconsider.

Original poster
thetwocultures · 21/01/2017 00:39

It's probably my fault we are not speaking as he made a stupid assumption after I said that and I just shut him out...

OP posts:
Original poster
thetwocultures · 21/01/2017 00:40

I just can't imagine how I would get through my wedding day with a situation like this. And I can't really elaborate on the reasons as they're very outing.

OP posts:
Huldra · 21/01/2017 00:40

Yanbu to feel like that. One of the first things I noticed about my husband was his relationship with his family, he said the same about me later on.

I can see why you are not happy but do you think he has good reasons not to get on with your family? Or you don't get it, or you think he is wrong?

Original poster
thetwocultures · 21/01/2017 00:41

I don't think he's wrong no, but it's so complicated it's hard to see it all in black and white. But he has some very strong points. But I feel like I can't deal with it at times.

OP posts:
ExplodedCloud · 21/01/2017 00:46

Your wedding is 1 day.
How are you feeling about this for the rest of your lives?

Bringmewineandcake · 21/01/2017 00:52

I've read lots of your threads OP, and the relationship between your parents and partner is not going to be resolved any time soon.
If you want to marry him then do it, but with your eyes open as to the reality of your situation.

SanitysSake · 21/01/2017 00:58

Without telling us what they've fallen out over and how grave the particular issue is, the most you we can do is empathise with your difficulties...

Italiangreyhound · 21/01/2017 01:10

thetwocultures sorry but he is not speaking to your parents, now he is not speaking to you and you say "It's probably my fault we are not speaking as he made a stupid assumption after I said that and I just shut him out..."

So did you stop speaking to him or did you temporarily shut him out?

I hope you can decide how to proceed. I'd say even more urgent than your partners relationship with your parents is the communication between the two of you.

As said above, the wedding is one day.

Hope it works out.

ChasedByBees · 21/01/2017 02:00

The wedding is one day but this issue will cause huge problems in your marriage which is far more important. It sounds like there was a single incident. Going NC is a big decision. Do you agree he was right to do it?

Original poster
thetwocultures · 21/01/2017 08:46

Thanks Bring.

I know their relationship isn't going to be resolved anytime soon or ever.
I just don't know how to cope but I know he has some very valid reasons.
I don't know how to cope with spending quality time with him and his family and essentially being like a single mum when with my family. Christmas at my parents this year broke my heart. His was a lovely family get together with lots of kids, fizz and laughter.

I feel like I can cope with it day to day as we focus on our own little family and work etc but then it comes to all he big events and things families should come together for and I feel like I can't cope with it, I don't know how to. He told me last night he thinks he can't make me happy, he wants to but doesn't know how anymore because he knows what I want.
On the other hand I will never ask him to make up for my sake because I know that will just make him unhappy. We are at a stalemate...

I love him and he loves me but I don't know how this will affect me in the long run and in turn our relationship.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 21/01/2017 08:56

YABU to expect him to be 2 faced about his relationship with your parents.

He's not telling you he doesn't want them at his wedding (it's his wedding too) and he's happy to polite, but he won't fake a closeness he doesn't feel.

Original poster
thetwocultures · 21/01/2017 08:58

Last post didn't publish for some reason...

I know this is isn't going to be resolved anytime soon or ever.
I know he has some very valid reasons and how stubborn he is too.
I just don't know how to cope with it, day to day is ok as we just focus on our little family and get on with work etc but then it comes to the events families should come together for and I don't know how to deal with the fact that it won't happen.
When DS was born it was such a happy occasion, everyone came to see us in the hospital and then we had a wonderful get together as soon as I got back from the hospital with both families and a glass of fizz to celebrate before everyone left us to settle in. It was lovely.
Now I've got this horrible image in my head of my parents coming into the room when we have DC 2 (not pregnant but planning) and my DP walking out of the room to leave us to it and it breaks my heart.

I don't know how to cope with it or where to even start.

OP posts:
Original poster
thetwocultures · 21/01/2017 09:00

I don't expect him to but I would want him to be. But I would never ask or demand it of him as I know it won't make him happy. But like I mentioned earlier it seems no matter what one of us remains sad...

OP posts:
Joysmum · 21/01/2017 09:31

I feel for you.

fir many of us who are NC with people our partners are close to, that relationship is then conducted outside of the family home and family occasions are fairly rare.

It's not easy but as long as you and your DH continue to see each other's point of view and acknowledge and respect their feelings it's shouldn't tear you apart. The problems come when this is forgotten and it because a battle of choice.

There's no easy answer Sad

specialsubject · 21/01/2017 10:14

First thing is to learn to resolve arguments without sulks. Ignoring each other is no basis for a marriage.

ChuckSnowballs · 21/01/2017 10:23

I don't think he's wrong no, but it's so complicated it's hard to see it all in black and white.

So what happened to stop them talking? Hard to assist without knowing.

cherrycrumblecustard · 21/01/2017 10:26

I think you need to look at it as a marriage not a wedding. Which do you want?

Original poster
thetwocultures · 21/01/2017 11:42

We didn't stop talking for long we talked again last night and it's all very plain to him, he is one part of my life and my parents another and they do not come together. He knows what he wants and he wants to focus on providing for me and DS and build a better life for us as we are in a bad financial situation at the moment and he doesn't want anything to get in the way. He says he loves me and wants me to be happy but feels like he can't give me what I want.
He says the emotions I'm feeling will always be there and there's no changing that.

So how to we go on? I'm happy when me DP and DS are all together and we have lovely times, he's a great dad and very hands on around the house too, I love him and he loves me. But everytime there's a birthday/ wedding or any other form of family occasion these feelings are going to bubble up and grind away at me which in turn will grind away at the relationship and there's no switching that off or holding it in or I'll implode.

I want to be married to him but I feel like no matter how we do it I'm going to be upset on the day. I know marriage is about to people but families play big parts in our lives and with one side being ignored and upset I feel like I'm just going to be heartbroken, on one side I'd be marrying the man I love but on the other he won't speak to my parents, acknowledge my dad when he gives me away or mention them in his speech...i know it sounds so silly but the thought of them just being shoved to the side on my wedding day in comparison to the other side of the family just makes me cry.

OP posts:
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