To not want to get married like this?

[thetwocultures]

DP and my parents don't speak. There's a lot of reasons for it but I just absolutely hate it! It's making me sad and angry just thinking about it.
I'm a very family orientated person and to me it has always been a priority in my life so this is a HUGE deal for me.
Here's the thing, I don't have many ambitions or dreams I always just wanted to be settled and have a happy family so this situation is like my worst nightmare. I'm not a super girly girl but the one thing I have always dreamt of in my life was a beautiful wedding with everyone important there to share the day with me and the right person.
Now we are engaged and have been since before the fall out and we were talking about the situation today and how we see it, DP said him and my parents are two seperate things and at our wedding obviously he will be there and they will be there and they'll say hi and that's it. In the heat of the moment and all the emotions buzzing about I said if that's how it'll be I don't want to get married like that and now we are not speaking...

I wanted my wedding to be a happy occasion for everyone not me being upset at how the most important people in my life aren't speaking to each other or how upsetting it will be whenever my parents come up to me or I to them and DP will just walk off or whatever.

AIBU to feel like this?

Is there anyway you can get an independent opinion on what happened in the situation with DP and your parents? Accountant, for example?

What if you found out that your parents were to blame, would that make a difference?

Depending why he doesn't want to be around them, what his view if their history is, then actually it sounds like he has been very patient with how involved they are. I might struggle of my DH refused to back me over something like that. I don't know the whole story though, so can't really say.

BIG RED FLAG BUNTING

This is never going to work, you know this in your heart.

You are going to regret the wedding or at least have sad memories of it.

Ditto every major major family event, births, marriages, deaths, birthdays, holidays, christmases....

Your importance of a happy family and a fiance who is estranged from then already!?!

You would be MAD to go along with the marriage plans unless you seriously have a chat with yourself!

Which is more important op, your fiance's or your family's happiness?

Because you clearly can't have both and it is fantasy land to think you can.

In this respect I think your family should come first.

Plenty of us have happy marriages and keep our families seperate.

TENSHI you are in no position to state the OP's parents should come first as you don't know what's happened! Could be the DP has every right not to want to be closer to his in-laws, because as hurt as the OP is she seems to understand her DP's position.

Which is more important op, your fiance's or your family's happiness? Sorry I think this should read Which is more important op, your family's or your parent's happiness?
You made a choice to start your own family with your OH, they are your primary family first. Six months ago a father walked out on his young family, he'd had enough of coming bottom of the pile to his hugely entitled IL's, he had no fight left, the FIL suddenly died last week, now the young DC have no resident farther figure at all.

my dh doesnt speak to my father anymore-his decision we keep it all separate-thats life sometimes u just have to accept it

i wouldnt make them talk and nor should you

I also recall the previous thread where you made it clear that your parents weren't interested in trying to put right the wrong they had done you and DP. They wanted you to just brush it all under the carpet didn't they?

But DP won't? I agree with Mywinetime and Sandra you have put your DP in a really difficult position. It would be very interesting to hear his side of the story.

You either accept that your DP will never forgive what your parents did, or you don't, but I think it's unreasonable to expect him to just suck it up.

This wasn't a small slight or difference of opinion was it? It is something that has had and will continue to have a huge impact on yoru lives for years to come if I remember correctly.

If I were your DP I would probably have walked by now, I think you are lucky he is sticking around, but I guess there are the DC to consider.....

My PIL barely acknowledged me on my wedding day. I didnt let it affect me and my DH and I still had a wonderful day.

If I'm correctly understanding other posters, and that in fact the reason your DP doesn't talk to your parents is because your parents' dishonesty or incompetence or both left you and your DP in longterm financial dire straits, then, honestly, OP, this is a really weird post with you apparently resenting your DP for not being prepared to be all peace and love in his wedding speech. If this is the situation, then in your DP's shoes I might well see your attitude to your parents as pretty traitorous, and be reconsidering my relationship if my partner really expected me to play happy families for her Barbie Dream Wedding.

Obviously, forgive me if I've completely misunderstood the situation.

As so many have said, it's difficult to know what advice to give, if you don't want to share what happened.

Reading the thread, and your response to the poster who asked if yours was the situation she described, suggesting that is the situation, then I think your dp is being incredibly generous in saying he is happy they come to your (and remember his) wedding.
If that's not the case then I apologise, but, if we don't know, everything is just speculation.

What is important here is that this should not be about 'your wedding day', but it is about the relationship going forward. If you can't understand what your parents have done to dp (if the above story is right), and how that makes him feel, then maybe you are right - you'd be better going your separate ways. You'll lose what sounds like a good man over what your parents did.

Who is paying for the wedding?

Because if you are in terrible financial straights and your DP blames your parents for that and you want, and are planning a wedding... Something is off, isn't it?

I've already put up huge boundaries with my parents and made huge strides in terms of how I've cut out their influence out of my life and that took a lot

It's not easy to comment when there's so much you don't want to say, but if it's right that your parents' actions have caused such severe financial problems for you - and especially if they wanted to "sweep it under the carpet" - surely putting in boundaries and reducing their influence would be the obvious thing to do?

Don't get me wrong, they're still your parents and it's quite right that you love them; I'm just struggling to understand why those steps took such "a lot" when they appear to have been so right and sensible

It sounds to me like your fiancé has made a huge concession in agreeing to have them at the wedding, and not be openly hostile to them. That alone is going to be very difficult for him, especially if they have made no effort to put things right.

I think you have to either let go of the idea of your perfect wedding, or let go of the idea of getting married at all. That probably sounds harsh, but you are asking a lot of him and it does seem like he is trying.

thetwocultures I think in light of the fact it seems your parents may be at fault and that you and your partner have a child together that you have a clear opportunity to support your partner. An opportunity to accept he does not want to socialize with your parents.

Presumably you made a choice to start a family with your dp and this should be where your loyalty lies, IMHO, unless your partner is actually 'in the wrong'.

In your shoes I might 're think the wedding, unless it is fully planned, and maybe get actually married in a quiet ceremony somewhere. Or travel to a beautiful location with your partner, son and maybe a few close friends.

Then have a big family party at home. I have no idea how your partner or his family would feel about this. But it would mean your special day was not 'tainted' by the lack of family comfort.

The wedding is one day, family events and birthdays are what you make them.

My brother in law never visited my parents with my sister and their kids as he was allergic to the cat!

My sister used to say she felt like a single parent when she took her kids to see my parents of course!

Now, years later, our parents are both gone (so is the cat) but our husbands and children are very much here.

When you marry/have a child or even move in together you make a new family.

If you love him, choose him fully and accept time with your parents will not include him.

If that is your heart's desire go for it and defend it and stop trying to change him.

Gin please show me where did I say I'm resenting my DP?!?!

Ok first of all no it was NOT completely my parents fault, they were to blame for a lot of the things that went wrong but so was my DP as he was the owner of the company and ultimately he made some bad decisions too. It's just taken such a strain on their relationship as they were close friends (my dad and DP). Lots of bad things happened but I never got too involved in it as I didn't want to be put in a position to choose between anyone etc.
If you talk to either side you get two different stories/views on situations and each side minimises their mistakes and without CCTV footage or conversation recordings there's no way to know who's more in the right.

I didn't mention anything about a wedding being financed yet, but like I said me and DP were discussing it and that's what came of it that's all.
The reason I've put up boundaries is because my DM can get overly involved in things and I was too keen to make her happy at one point that's all. It took a lot as I was v close to her growing up.

This isn't just your wedding day, its your whole life. What about when you have kids, will he pick them up from GPs if theyre babysitting? I'd seriously reconsider this marriage.

haveacupoftea they already have a child, don't you OP? With your DP? Correct me if wrong.

OP, you say you 'absolutely hate it' that your DP and your parents don't speak and that it 'makes you sad and angry', but the rest of your post is neutral at worst towards your parents and the anger/disappointment seems not equally split between two equally implicated parties but directed solely at your DP - you told him 'in the heat of the moment' you didn't want to marry him unless he entered into some form of truce with your parents, and now you aren't speaking. When you imagine their interaction at your wedding, you're seeing your parents approaching, and him being the one to walk off - again, he's the bad guy. That's why I said you seem resentful towards him rather than towards your parents.

Lots of bad things happened but I never got too involved in it as I didn't want to be put in a position to choose between anyone etc. If you talk to either side you get two different stories/views on situations and each side minimises their mistakes and without CCTV footage or conversation recordings there's no way to know who's more in the right.

Honestly, I think that's your problem - you have stuck your fingers in your ears and hummed loudly to avoid having to take sides. The references to CCTV and recordings are really strange, OP - these are your parents and your husband, and you can't have been holidaying on Mars while all this was happening! It's not a true crime series! -- it's not that difficult to figure out what happened the majority of the time, especially when you know all participants and presumably have access to financial records. I suspect you are afraid of what you would find if you went digging.

And it sounds to me as if it suits you to take a 'Oh, everybody involved was to blame' approach, because it lets you off the hook. Fine, but don't then complain that your DP won't do the same thing because you want to play happy families at your wedding.

Financial records won't show me anything! There isn't a way of finding tout what happened because everyone tells me different things. DP will tell me he told my parents to do XYZ and they'll say that's the first time they've heard of it! My parents will tell me DP did XYZ and DP will deny everything! And vice versa it's all going in circles. And what made it go wrong is the things that were done ie not making certain changes etc. so there's no way of backtracking and finding out who's side is closer to the truth as each side seems to believe they are right! So how do I find out what exactly happened?
By the time DP realised how bad it was everything had already happened and I didn't exactly work with them all to be there and witness it firsthand.

I guess I sound more upset with DP as my parents actually want to be ok and even invited him over for Christmas but he refuses to have anything to do with them, which I understand and won't force him to do anything but it's hard for me as ultimately it's only up to him and he said he doesn't know if he'd make up even if they did apologise...

If you want to stay together have a register office wedding, just the two of you, couple of witnesses dragged in from the street. No need to have a big wedding where the cracks in the relationships would be obvious. Then just accept they won't be seeing each other. You'll just have to get on with it if you want to stay together.

You have posted many times about this. You either want to marry the man you love or you don't. He isn't marrying your parents or family, he is marrying you. You seem to think it's some sort of package deal. You also put a lot of it on your DP as not talking to your parents as though it's ALL down to him. You acknowledge they were in the wrong by saying so, but it never comes across that way in your posts, it's always about how your DP won't engage with them. Surely you trust the man you love? Is he generally a liar? If he isn't then why don't you believe his version of events? I do think you sound more loyal to your parents than your DP. Is your username a clue as to why tbey don't get along?

No my username isn't a clue.

DP can be difficult too and I know what he can be like when he's stubborn so I don't 100% trust his or my parents version as I think they all see it how they want to see it to an extent.

He sees it as pretty much all their fault they see it as mostly his.
I don't think either side will apologise or admit to anything.

I'm a real sit on the fence person, but I just don't see how you can carry on without being more on dos side. If you can't choose him and put him first, then I don't think you are ready to marry or have more children. Not choosing because he asks you to, but because you want to.

I remember your previous threads and you've always been cagey re what actually happened. I don't think this is s resolvable situation. If I was your DH and believed that my PIL's actions put me in financial difficulties I wouldn't forgive either. You are not going to get the resolution that you are looking for, for what it's worth I think it's suspicious that your parents are able to put everything to one side and move on as if nothing happened.

You repeatedly post about this op with no resolution. You know your dp was the one who got screwed in all of this, but suddenly become cagey when posters respond to that and start saying its 50/50 with blame on both sides.

If you can't stand by your DP and support him, then don't marry him. You do seem more invested in the relationship with your parents than your DP so I guess he's not the right person for you. Will any man be the right one if he doesn't have this amazing relationship with your parents? You need to put a partner above your parents, if you honestly cannot do that (and it doesn't appear that you can) then you cannot marry him. I don't think it matters if your DP doesn't want to have a relationship with your parents. It's not the package deal you seem to think it is.