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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to get married like this?

82 replies

thetwocultures · 21/01/2017 00:29

DP and my parents don't speak. There's a lot of reasons for it but I just absolutely hate it! It's making me sad and angry just thinking about it.
I'm a very family orientated person and to me it has always been a priority in my life so this is a HUGE deal for me.
Here's the thing, I don't have many ambitions or dreams I always just wanted to be settled and have a happy family so this situation is like my worst nightmare. I'm not a super girly girl but the one thing I have always dreamt of in my life was a beautiful wedding with everyone important there to share the day with me and the right person.
Now we are engaged and have been since before the fall out and we were talking about the situation today and how we see it, DP said him and my parents are two seperate things and at our wedding obviously he will be there and they will be there and they'll say hi and that's it. In the heat of the moment and all the emotions buzzing about I said if that's how it'll be I don't want to get married like that and now we are not speaking...

I wanted my wedding to be a happy occasion for everyone not me being upset at how the most important people in my life aren't speaking to each other or how upsetting it will be whenever my parents come up to me or I to them and DP will just walk off or whatever.

AIBU to feel like this?

OP posts:
NoelHeadbands · 21/01/2017 11:49

I wouldn't be able to get married in your situation, I really wouldn't.

I don't just mean the actual wedding, but the marriage itself.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 21/01/2017 11:53

How much of an effort have your parents made to resolve the problems between them and your fiancé?

Original poster
thetwocultures · 21/01/2017 12:02

Zippy neither side have really, but it's all very complicated and both sides have extremely different views of the situations and what was said and/or what happened.
I wish I was a fly on the wall during those times so I would know which side is telling the right things but I wasn't and it's all in the past and all I can do is listen to both sides and frazzle my brain over how different people could perceive situations so differently. Honestly it's made me question my sanity at times.

OP posts:
Wheelerdeeler · 21/01/2017 12:08

If your partner truly loved you he would approach your parents and ask them to consider a clean slate. No blame no recriminations. A new start where ye can all be civil and mix for family occasions.

If he truly loved you he would do this because your upset at the current situation would trump his determination to ignore them.

Somerville · 21/01/2017 12:18

Can you think of a way to change enough details to vaguely explain what happened between your fiancé and your parents and keep it non-outing? It's very hard to advise without knowing.
Or a least the kind of thing they disagreed on - is your username linked to it - is it about a cultural clash?

Personally I'm close to my parents and love them so I wouldn't marry someone who disliked them, and certainly not someone who actively wanted nothing to do with them.

honeyroar · 21/01/2017 12:21

It all sounds very strange, it's impossible to comment without really knowing what's happened. However I don't think I could live with someone who refused to speak to my parents, point blank, and them to him, let alone have a wedding. It must eat you up. Could you not speak to him and them and say it's really upsetting you and you want them to try and find a way to get over it. Your OH sounds a bit selfish in his "this is how it will be from now on and I'm not making any effort to change it, even though you're upset", but then we don't know what happened!!

Scaredycat3000 · 21/01/2017 12:30

Wheel The same could be said about the OP's parents, I mean you love your dc whatever happens and want the best for them even if that means making peace with their OH don't you? If you really love your dc you accept them and their choices.
OP, you want a fairytale, you're not going to get it, this is real life. You need to to find peace with your situation or emotionally tear yourself apart every time the dream doesn't come true. Enjoy what you do have, it may not be as much as you like, but do you really want to force everybody in the same room on constant tenterhooks, trying to keep the peace, wondering what might happen next.

Rosae · 21/01/2017 12:30

I couldn't marry in this situation. When I married my husband I became part of his family and he part of mine. That includes our parents. He sometimes is irritated with my mum but they make a effort to get on cos we are family. His sister drives me up the wall at times but even when I'm annoyed I still talk to her and we work it out because we are family. She is my child's aunt and I can't and wouldn't ignore her. I wouldn't marry someone who would do this.

Rosae · 21/01/2017 12:33

Mind you, I would also be cross with my parents if they were refusing to speak to my partner and father of their grandchildren. I'd want them all to grow up and behave like adults and work it out. They don't have to be best of friends but they do need to be civil and be able to be around each other and hold a conversation .

ImperialBlether · 21/01/2017 12:34

Who's fault was it?

Does your family want to talk to him? Who is the person who's refusing to speak - is it just your fiance or is it your family, too?

Does your fiance have a history of blocking out people he's fallen out with?

ImperialBlether · 21/01/2017 12:34

Whose fault, sorry!

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 21/01/2017 12:42

You said you don't feel your dp is in the wrong is that correct? It just makes me think of sil and bil. If I had been through the things sil has been through with her family I'd be nc with them. And I don't say that lightly it has been horrendous. Sil isn't even close to her family emotionally yet they are in each others lives constantly because 'family is everything' but the reality is family are people you don't choose. Sil certainly didn't choose the life she had with her family. Bil doesn't particularly like any of them but they are sil family so he goes along with it.
Are you in a situation where your parents have been unreasonable? It really is hard to say whether your dp is being an arse or not without knowing why they don't speak. Be may be being given perfectly reasonable to say he will be polite at the wedding but chooses not to force a relationship with them or he could be a stroppy arse spitting his dummy out over somethung ridiculous.

SheldonCRules · 21/01/2017 12:45

You remain in contact with your parents so you obviously have put aside the fallout with them yourself.

From another thread, your DPs parents see the children daily and yours maybe once a week. For me that's very telling, his family is very important to him and yours is disposable and for that reason alone I wouldn't be going ahead as you obviously love your family.

Without knowing who is at fault for the fallout, it's hard to advise but given he gives you the silent treatment I'm guessing his.

MyWineTime · 21/01/2017 12:50

Have you spoken to your parents about their part in this?

If this is never going to get resolved then you either need to suck it up or walk away. 1 day is no different to the rest of your lives. What exactly do you want them to do during your wedding - pretend to like each other? Polite and keeping apart is probably a better solution.

girlelephant · 21/01/2017 12:55

OP you can't marry someone and promise to spend your lives together in this circumstance, if you try you won't be happy.

If he and your parents love you I think everyone needs to work towards as resolve. As you already have a child together you are in each other's lives whether there is a marriage ceremony or not. Can all parties agree to disagree on the event(s) of before and just focus on the future?

As others have said it's difficult to understand if this is possible without knowing when/why the fall-out occurred and how you have managed to maintain relationships with all

happypoobum · 21/01/2017 12:57

Are you the poster whose parents completely did your DH over in a business sense? Left you all in financial dire straits that you said will take many years to recover from?

If you are, I have read your previous threads and if I were your DH I wouldn't have anything to do with your parents either.

Fireinthegrate · 21/01/2017 13:03

Well at least your partner and your parents are willing to be at the wedding even if they are not speaking to each other.
When I got married none of my husbands family came due to religious reasons. Therefore we had a small registry office wedding and he invited any friends he wanted.
It was a nice day, but I know he was upset not to have any of his family there.

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 21/01/2017 13:09

happy well spotted yes I think you're right. The struggling financially is a result of the parents and a business deal or something was it not? In that case I think your dp can choose not to speak to your parents. You said in your Christmas thread I think that your dp is working hard and paying off a lot to try and get you back on a financial straight. You have chosen to maintain a relationship with your parents but he has every right not to

Memoires · 21/01/2017 13:10

Was it what poobum has said, thetwocultures?

You may as well tell, you're not really going to get anything more than general advice otherwise.

As it is, if your dream is of two happy families becoming joined - yours and his - and making 3 happy families, then it sounds like you've got the wrong man/family. Or you're going to have to shrug your shoulders and accept that it's not going to be perfect.

sandragreen · 21/01/2017 13:17

I remember your previous thread OP and agree with happy

If my DP betrayed me the way you have I would not be marrying you at all. You don't seem to have any loyalty to him and just blind loyalty to your parents no matter what they do.

He tolerates you having a relationship with your parents, even though it must really sting him. I feel really sorry for him.

BakeOffBiscuits · 21/01/2017 13:22

I'd be very worried about marrying someone who won't speak to my parents. That's not what families are about.

Your H is there to support you, not just financially but emotionally. If you speak to your parents, then so should he.

Is there anyone else he doesn't speak to?

BakeOffBiscuits · 21/01/2017 13:25

Ahh sorry, just seen posts about the reasons he doesn't speak to your parents.

Ignore my last post.

MyWineTime · 21/01/2017 15:07

I would find it impossible to have a relationship with my parents if they had screwed my partner (and therefore me) financially in a way that would take years to recover from.
If I was your DH to be, I would be devastated that you had stood by them.
Have they taken steps to repair the financial damage?

Original poster
thetwocultures · 21/01/2017 15:09

sandragreen I never for a second betrayed him so don't even try to insinuate I'm not loyal to him!
I've stuck with him through everything over the years and especially the last year, I'm not planning on going anywhere now.
I've already put up huge boundaries with my parents and made huge strides in terms of how I've cut out their influence out of my life and that took a lot.
But that doesn't change the fact that what's happened happened and regardless of the business side where ALL OF THEM made mistakes, my parents are good people.
None of them are perfect.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 21/01/2017 15:21

It sounds like you need to come to terms with how your parents have behaved in the past and you need to grieve for what you thought you had with them versus the reality.

Yes it is horrible when you can't have your dream wedding because you realise your parents aren't what you thought/wanted.

Perhaps you need to have a very different wedding if you do want to marry your partner. If you are sure that partner is the right person for you then you need to "leave" your parents and "cleave" to your husband.

You say you've made huge strides in putting in boundaries etc. but emotionally you clearly haven't moved on yet, it takes a long time tbh. to do this IMHO

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