Is it rude to invite to hen party but not to wedding ceremony?

[iwannapuppy]

So I'm getting married on a tight budget (we have just had a DS) and we can only afford to invite family and 3 friends each to the day part of the wedding. Would it be seen as rude to invite friends to my hen party but then only invite them to the evening reception? I don't to offend anyone, but also think if I don't invite them to the hen party they still might be pissed with me. I get that at any wedding you are bound to upset someone, but I really don't know what the etiquette is.

[MissVictoria]

I honestly don't understand what costs what for weddings. I thought the main cost would be the venues, so where the ceremony happens and where the party is. Do actual ceremony venues charge per guest? I thought you just booked a venue and could invite your choice of just 2 witnesses to as many as can fit in the venue for the same price? I get evening receptions if you have say a buffet will cost more for more guests so i genuinely assumed the evening reception was the most expensive part.

[sonyaya]

It is an etiquette faux pas OP. Anyone invited to a pre wedding event should be invited to the wedding.

However as you can see from here, some people care and some people wouldn't. You need to decide what your friends' reactions will be.

My opinion is that a lot of people attend hens to show support for the bride rather than necessarily because it is how they would choose to spend their time. Hen dos take up people's time and money. I think a bride shouldn't ask that of people she is deciding not to invite to the wedding.

This happened to me once, and a lot of us were very narked about using up a weekend to give the bride a nice time when she didn't want to spend the money having us at the wedding reception. She was on less of a budget than you so I think your friends are more likely to understand. But my opinion is if you don't want to (or can't) incur the cost of lots of wedding guests then that is absolutely fine the price of that is you don't get big pre wedding events like hens. I think it's having your cake and eating it otherwise.

[KoalaDownUnder]

I completely agree with sonyaya (which saved me a lot of typing )

[BalloonSlayer]

Hen nights are for the bride's inner circle, the most intimate friends out of all of those who are invited to the wedding, to give her a special bit of extra attention and fuss.

To not invite people to the whole wedding but expect them to come to your hen night is unbelievably crass. You would forever be "remember X, who expected us all to cough up ££££££ for her hen night but only invited us to the evening do?"

[noeffingidea]

I never saw hen nights in that way, balooonslayer. They're just a girls night out with the excuse of someones getting married to me. Perhaps its different if you do the whole weekend thing though.
OP, I think it will be fine if you keep it lowkey, and don't expect your guests to pay out lots of money on your account.

[Surreyblah]

Rude.

[wonderingsoul]

If it was a close friend id be a bit disapointed to miss the wedding but i wouldnt be offended.

Thouse that are offended inwouldnt want at my hen do ethier. I dont get the big deal.

I had alife long friend who didnt come to my wedding because she had nothing tonwear.... it wasnt a fancy wedding ethier it anoyed me and i still think itd a pathetic excuse but were still friends. So maybe im just to laid back.

Habe ya hen do and enjoy your wedding how you want. Screw who ever will get offened there not real friends with they dont understand.

[Trollspoopglitter]

Completely rude but if you were my friend and asked me directly, I'd never tell you what I thought and make you feel bad about it.

If you have a small wedding, have a small hen do. You can't expect people to spend money on a night out with you but then claim you can't afford to spend money on inviting them to your wedding.

I second the suggestion of a general night out in lieu of a "hen do" and explain you're having a very small wedding and don't want to call it a hen do as you won't be able to invite all the friends you'd like.

[haveacupoftea]

Yeah its rude. As has been pointed out, theyll have to spend money on your hen do, but you wont spend money on inviting them to your wedding. Friendship is a two way street.

[TheCustomaryMethod]

This kind of problem has arisen because hen 'dos' have evolved from being a local night out with drinks and at most a meal, to elaborate events involving travel, activities, staying over, buying a themed outfit and so on.

In the days when hen nights were simpler, the mood was very much 'the more, the merrier' and you didn't have to be a close friend of the bride to be involved - if you tagged along as a relative outsider, it just added to the atmosphere.

I would solve the OP's problem by making it an old-style local and low-key event, which doesn't involve attendees in any more expenditure than a normal night out.

[Oblomov17]

Well basically yes. But not if you are getting married abroad, only you 2, I guess, for example.

Have you discussed your wedding. Does everyone know it's very small? Are these women your closest friends who know everything about you? In which case, they probably wouldn't mind.

[MommaGee]

You can't expect people to spend money on a night out with you but then claim you can't afford to spend money on inviting them to your wedding.

There's a big difference between a friend spending say £30 on a meal and drinks, in a position to drink more or less depending on budget etc and the bride forking out £60 a head for food. Assuming that each friend has a plus one that's an additional £120 without children.

Id never decide to go to a hen do based on what I'm getting in return

[MommaGee]

missvictoria the increase in cost comes with the wedding breakfast. Its customary to invite reception guests to the breakfast and as its usually a sit down meal its expensive per head. In contrast evening tends to be buffet so cheaper per person.

However it's pretty much heresy on MN to invite people to only part of the wedding and such a terrible British thing to do. Personally if people only come based on the cash value they receive in kind, they can stay home and watch Eastenders

[Holidayhelp2017]

I'm in an almost identical situation, OP, and nearly posted my own thread on this! I sadly can't invite most of my friends to our wedding and we aren't having a separate evening do. I feel so awkward about it but for logistical and financial reasons it's mostly family with just a few friends each. I have a young DD as well and would dearly love a night out with my female friends as it's been literally years! Ultimately however, I decided to have a very small hen do and only invite people who were invited to the wedding. I feel that the wedding will naturally be discussed at some point and that I would just feel like such a shit friend to all the people who aren't invited. I even feel bad chatting to friends who haven't been invited to the wedding as I want to go into detail with everyone explaining why we are having the do we are! Fwiw, I would totally understand if I was one of the "non guests" so I'm hoping my friends do know that I care about them, but that I can't have a big do!

[phoenixnix]

I did this as we had a tiny wedding with close family only.

Mind you my hen do was very low key - an inexpensive meal followed by drinks in the place we all live. I wouldn't have expected people to have travelled or spent significant money.

[iwannapuppy]

But if I invite these 5 friends to the main meal etc plus their partners, plus its only then fair if DP invites 5 friends as well that is then 20 people to add to the main meal which would cost us an extra £1200!! The hen night will not be elaborate at all just dinner and a bar after I would have thought. And I am still paying for evening guests to have buffet and cake plus disco etc..

[MommaGee]

iwanna go on your hen do. Invite the people you want. The entitles are entitled to stay home. Don't feel for the saake of £30 you can't have a good night out with your friends and celebrate the end of unmarried life.

[SheldonCRules]

Yes it's rude, you don't want them at your actual wedding (or you would have waited until you had saved more) but you want them at the hen do to make up numbers essentially to turn it into a party and the costs fall to them not you.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

Personally if people only come based on the cash value they receive in kind, they can stay home and watch Eastenders

I agree.

It is all very I'll only do x if I get y in return.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

you don't want them at your actual wedding (or you would have waited until you had saved more)

Not necessarily. Not everyone wants big Weddings. It wouldn't just be the person at the hen being invited either would it? What about partners and children?

[40somethingwonderful]

If you explain to them, then I don't think it's rude.

[MommaGee]

(or you would have waited until you had saved more)

How often do people mpan about huge expensive weddings. It isn't the party, its the vows. Its just about you pair so why spend 20k on it? Blah blah blah.

Op is being sensible and working to her means and still she is wrong.

Me and Piglet will come OP and we don't expect to receive £200 in return value either!!

[Goingtobeawesome]

Instead of spending money on the hen party can't you put the money towards the wedding and invite them?

[MommaGee]

Yeah cos a meal be dinner out s gonna cover the £1200 OP would need to find to fees them all...