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AIBU?

Is it rude to invite to hen party but not to wedding ceremony?

238 replies

iwannapuppy · 20/01/2017 21:01

So I'm getting married on a tight budget (we have just had a DS) and we can only afford to invite family and 3 friends each to the day part of the wedding. Would it be seen as rude to invite friends to my hen party but then only invite them to the evening reception? I don't to offend anyone, but also think if I don't invite them to the hen party they still might be pissed with me. I get that at any wedding you are bound to upset someone, but I really don't know what the etiquette is.

OP posts:

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ohtheholidays · 20/01/2017 22:20

No it's not rude!!

I've been married twice and my first hen night was massive and we already had 250 people attending the wedding in the day there was no way I could invite everyone that came to my hen night(there was about 60 women there)to the day reception but I did invite them all to the evening reception and they all came and they all had a great time and no one was upset or offended they were my friends and they understood.

Not long after that I was invited to a hen night along with about 10 other women and none of us were invited to the wedding at all as the bride to be just couldn't afford to invite anyone apart from her's and her H2B's close relatives,none of us were offended why would we be?!

If anyone's that easily upset then I think they'd be worth avoiding.

iwannapuppy · 20/01/2017 22:21

Noctilucent- Yes we did think about family only. But my close family is a lot smaller then DP's so I wouldn't have had many people at the church for me. As some of my close friends are like family to me we came up with the compromise that we both invite 3 friends (again it wouldn't have been fair for me to have some friends but DP not to). I cant wait to marry him but the whole thing is so stressful. Any hen party I have will be low cost and I would never expect or ask anyone to pay for me.

OP posts:

TheMysteriousJackelope · 20/01/2017 22:23

I think the etiquette is if presents are part of the hen do then the people who come to that definitely need to be invited to the wedding. I know when it comes to bridal showers anyone who goes to the shower (where gifts are expected) has to be invited to the wedding.

If it is just a piss up and trawling local bars in veils while waving chocolate penises at the bouncers as you walk into clubs then you can invite everyone you've ever said 'hello' to.

PotteringAlong · 20/01/2017 22:23

I'm going with rude too here.

iwannapuppy · 20/01/2017 22:27

Gwenhwyfar - Of course people can come to the church. But is it not a further insult for someone to come to the church and see you get married then have to go home while the rest of the church guests go on to the reception..... I just don't understand how it is possible to please everyone.

OP posts:

DMnamechanger · 20/01/2017 22:28

I was invited to a hen night and not to any part of the (big) wedding. The bride told me that they were only having people they really wanted to see at the wedding and not those they were not that bothered about.

I was gutted, terribly hurt by her comments (although I didn't show it) and our friend shi essentially ended as a result.

I'd go with rude.

NicknameUsed · 20/01/2017 22:29

"Can't believe how many people find this rude.

I've been to at least 3 hen dos where I was only invited to the evening part of the wedding & never once felt like I was being insulted in any way! "

Same here WeirdButTrue, but you and I aren't full of our own self importance.

GinIsIn · 20/01/2017 22:29

It is rude, sorry.

NicknameUsed · 20/01/2017 22:30

" The bride told me that they were only having people they really wanted to see at the wedding and not those they were not that bothered about."

But this is rude. Cheeky bint!

DMnamechanger · 20/01/2017 22:33

nickname yes, once I'd posted I realised that it was not very helpful to the OP as it's in no way comparable!

I was really gutted. When I eventually raised it with her she said "you way overestimated how close you were to me".

Charming.

iwannapuppy · 20/01/2017 22:46

DMnamechanger - anyone who would say that to you is not a friend. I don't blame you for being upset.

OP posts:

DMnamechanger · 20/01/2017 22:47

Sorry for the derail!

Chrisinthemorning · 20/01/2017 22:48

Normally I would say yes it is rude. Years ago someone did this to me and I no longer speak to her really, I think she's rude and a bit up herself, this is just one reason though.
In this case as you are having a very small wedding I think it's ok if you explain first, rather than invite and do the Hen and then they just get evening invitations afterwards.

mrtumblesbagisspotty · 20/01/2017 23:23

YANBU
I had a small wedding consisting of 30 people in total, my 15 were immediate family no friends, my husbands was 3 immediate family and the rest family friends then a big party in the evening.
I had my hen at an 80s weekend at Butlins. If I'd have only invited those who were attending the whole day I would have had my mum, sister and step-sister there. There was only 8 people at my hen (1 of them wasn't invited to the wedding at all) and all of them knew we were having a small wedding and they would be evening invite only but everyone was happy to come and share the wedding excitement with me. If they're true friends they will understand your reasons for the small wedding - ours was nothing to do with money, more the we didn't want to have a hundred people staring at us making our vows when we're both quite shy people.
Do it your way and have a fab time

TheNaze73 · 20/01/2017 23:24

Not rude in the slightest, I'd live that invite

TheNaze73 · 20/01/2017 23:25

Love not live

MommaGee · 21/01/2017 01:09

To be honest I think you had a baby, he or she should be your priority not a hen night which goes with a wedding you didn't do arse upwards.

Yes because obviously once your a mom not a penny should be spent on your own pleasure. Please spend every night til DC is 18 sipping water in a hessian sack whilst staring adoringly at her

iwannapuppy I honestly think its fine. Weddings are busy and its hard to spend the kind of time with your friends you can at a hen do. If a friend of .one only invited me to the evening but didn't invite me to the local hen do, I'd feel a bit sad tbh. Invite who you want. And those who are too self important to want to come unless they get an £80 lunch bought them can stay in and watch telly

Gwenhwyfar · 21/01/2017 08:48

"And those who are too self important to want to come unless they get an £80 lunch bought them can stay in and watch telly"

It's not about wanting an expensive lunch. It's about not wanting to be invited to a hen part just to make up the numbers.

Gwenhwyfar · 21/01/2017 08:51

ohthholidays - how can you have 60 female friends?

CeeCeeEnnEss · 21/01/2017 08:58

It's fine. I invited colleagues etc to my (very local, night out) hen do but they already knew they were evening only invites as day invites were for my friends who lived in other countries (and so couldn't come to my hen do!).

Nobody cared.

fourmonthstogo · 21/01/2017 09:15

I find all the being offended pretty odd too really, who really invites people to hen-dos just to make up the numbers?! I'd only want people there is truly want to spend time with. OP it's fine - but you know your friends presumably - if there is someone who can be over sensitive speak to them first and explain.

MommaGee · 21/01/2017 10:40

It's not about wanting an expensive lunch. It's about not wanting to be invited to a hen part just to make up the numbers.

Since when did people have a quota? Well its oy a hen do if there's 56 of us so I'll go knock on some neighbours doors!!

I had about 30, I'd invited more. They were all people I cared about. In reality if of have invited them all to the meal it probably would have been another 50 people with partners, kids etc. The room wouldn't have held that and I couldnt afford that.

Everyone knew because we'd sent out Std cards specifying day or evening invites.

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dowhatnow · 21/01/2017 11:05

I think most people will understand if it's such a small wedding but it's perhaps better to speak to them rather than text them, then you can explain about the small wedding being due to finances, but how you'd love them to be there if it was possible etc.

Jaxhog · 21/01/2017 12:38

No it isn't rude, and if was a small inexpensive hen night, I wouldn't be offended if it were me. As several have said, it would only be rude if you had a big wedding ceremony and didn't invite them to that.

Hen nights are a nice way to celebrate the end of your single life with good female friends. I've never seen the point of going somewhere expensive e.g. overseas, and getting rat arsed. But then I've never seen the point of spending thousands and thousands on a wedding ceremony either! We didn't. The marriage is more important surely?

ShelaghTurner · 21/01/2017 12:52

I don't think it's rude at all. If I was told that the wedding was going to be small and it really isn't possible to invite everyone that we would really love to be there, but I'd be so pleased if you joined me on my hen night then I'd understand and be happy to join in. I can't see why anyone would have a problem with that.

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