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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell a friend this is a very bad idea...

29 replies

BantyCustards · 20/01/2017 16:20

A friend of mine who recently separated from her DH (very rocky relationship with DV involved) has admitted to me that their child was conceived without her STBX's consent/knowledge.
She's thinking of telling STBX - mainly I think because she's angry with him.

She's a grown up and has to make her own choices but I want to tell her I think it's a bad idea and will only inflame things further.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 20/01/2017 16:22

It sounds like a terrible idea, and I'd tell my friend that, but tbh this whole relationship sounds completely fucked up.

GeillisTheWitch · 20/01/2017 16:22

I don't understand, is the child born or has she just found out she's pregnant? If he knows about the child he must already know it was conceived without his consent?

Soubriquet · 20/01/2017 16:23

Unless she wants to piss him off and wind him up of course it's a bad idea

But the baby was conceived with knowledge and consent...they had sex didn't they? Not like she milked him for his sperm and then AI it is it?

CatsRidingRollercoasters · 20/01/2017 16:23

She sounds very immature.

WallisFrizz · 20/01/2017 16:24

I don't get it either.

Magzmarsh · 20/01/2017 16:25

What? Confused

Original poster
BantyCustards · 20/01/2017 16:27

She didn't take her contraception but allowed him to believe she did but that it 'failed'. Child is 9 now - I say it's water under the bridge and given his level of abuse she's just asking for trouble.

OP posts:
Sonders · 20/01/2017 16:28

Ohhhhhh I had no idea from your OP. Yeah, telling him would be bloody stupid

MadMags · 20/01/2017 16:29

Well, I'd imagine 9 years later his response would be "so fucking what". Or is she trying to get her ex to turn against his child?

Tell her to grow up. Seriously. Hmm

Magzmarsh · 20/01/2017 16:29

Oh right. Sounds like a terrible idea and specifically designed to damage her ex's relationship with their child. No good can come of it.

Floggingmolly · 20/01/2017 16:30

She sounds a bit half witted.

Original poster
BantyCustards · 20/01/2017 16:53

I think she isn't thinking straight at all. Yes, what she did was wrong and I also feel that he should have taken responsibility for his own fertility - she's taken a serious kicking emotionally from him and has been left emotionally broken (he's seriously not a nice person). I think what she's trying to do is regain some semblance of control - I feel what will actually happen is that she's just giving him more rope to hang her with.

OP posts:
Allthebestnamesareused · 20/01/2017 16:57

I assume she wants to tell him this to punish him. He won't care and I suspect the person that will end up by being hurt from this "relevation" will end up being the 9 year old child!

Allthebestnamesareused · 20/01/2017 16:57

"revelation"

PollytheDolly · 20/01/2017 16:57

He is on a need to know basis now.....

And he doesn't need to know that.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 20/01/2017 16:58

Bad idea. Really bad idea.

Barefootcontessa84 · 20/01/2017 17:00

Ultimately, she shouldn't be dragging her child in any shape or form into the divorce proceedings - whatever effect it might have on him or her. Tell her to grow up and not use her child to regain whatever control she perceives this will give her.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/01/2017 17:06

She really hasn't thought this through!

YANBU and I would definitely tell her to NOT DO THIS. What is she trying to achieve? A sense of power, in that in this matter she got what she wanted whereas in every other respect he got what he wanted? It will not play out that way. If DV was involved then he is abusive, and he will USE this information to abuse her further. And how better to abuse her than to punish the child, the one thing she loved enough to 'disobey' him for?

Ask her if she wants to completely screw over her son, because he's the one who's going to end up with a dad telling him he never wanted him, and worse.

She needs to think about this.

diddl · 20/01/2017 17:14

So she's angry with him & thinks that saying "hahaha-tricked you" will achieve what?

Original poster
BantyCustards · 20/01/2017 17:18

I agree.

I understand in part where she's coming from - he has been an utter shit to her and her self esteem is in the toilet - but either way he's going to end up using this against her. He's already making noises about having her child removed in her based on mental health issues that have, from what I can see, have been entirely caused by him.

She's just opening herself up to attack, isn't she?

OP posts:
Strongmummy · 20/01/2017 17:19

She sounds very hurt, angry and is not thinking rationally. I think you owe it to her to help her navigate a more rational path

toptoe · 20/01/2017 17:27

Yep, using the child to get revenge is a low blow. He's 9 and old enough to hear the convo too - about how perhaps his dad didn't want him, how his mum tricked him. It's the start of his life and not some weapon to be used by one parent against the other.

Suggest she reduces contact to minimum re. about pick up/drop off times.

User1234567891011 · 20/01/2017 17:35

So she wants to admit to him that she sexually assaulted him? This is a case of sex by deception - she led him to believe she was using birth control, if he wouldn't have sex with her if she wasn't and she lied that she was this is a sex crime.

Men have been convicted for having sex with women who would only have sex using a condom and then the guy hasn't used one. Its the same thing.

dollydaydream114 · 20/01/2017 17:38

Why on earth would she want to make an already awful situation worse?

She is behaving like a child.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 20/01/2017 17:39

Is she trying destroy his relationship with the child so that he'll give up on demanding full custody?

If she's playing that game she'd be better off getting a lawyer who specializes in custody cases. The ex could be bastard enough to carry on with the custody case to get back at her and then emotionally or physically abuse the child once he has custody.