Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up of my marriage after one year

87 replies

SaliDali · 19/01/2017 20:06

Been married just under a year. Since we've been together we've had some great times and an exciting, happy life together but I feel as soon as we got married, it changed.

DH seems like he just can't be arsed anymore. He's stopped instigating sex some time ago so it has been me doing all the instigating for the past year or so. I decided to stop this as I want to know he WANTS sex with me rather than feels he has to and as I predicted, our sex life has dried up completely since I stopped instigating.

He never seems interested in anything. Never wants to go out or do anything. This Friday he's meant to be taking me out as it's my last day at my job and we were supposed to be celebrating. Well I came home tonight and told him I was looking forward to it to which he said "yeah I suppose so". I said "don't you want to go?" And he replied "yeah let's just see how I feel eh? Whether I can be arsed or not".

I feel really upset by this and have taken it quite personally. This was meant to be a celebration for me and he's openly said he can't be arsed!!

His excuse was that he feels a bit crap - but he says this PERMANANTLY. Every day more or less.

I'm just fed up and find myself wishing I hadn't married him. I'm sure there is someone out there that CAN be arsed with me?

Is this normal after one year of marriage? Am I being unfair or dramatic?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 19/01/2017 20:14

I don't think these things tend to get better, OP. What's your financial situation like? Are there any children?

NoArmaniNoPunani · 19/01/2017 20:15

Do you think he could be depressed?

ConvincingLiar · 19/01/2017 20:16

He does sound depressed. Is he like this about life, of just life with you?

topcat2014 · 19/01/2017 20:17

Might be worth bearing in mind a couple of things:

In my view, January is a bit crap anyway - dark all the time, spending all the time at home with electric lights on etc. Depending on situation, possibly stretching the money out a bit.

How is DH job going - that can put a downer on things if it's going a bit badly.

It get's bandieId about here - but could he be a bit depressed. I know that I can be sometimes, and it's difficult to give out much joy when you feel like that.

Even sex can feel like a chore on the to-do list.

Having said that, 1 year in (presumably still free of kids?) should be a bit more carefree.

I would stay off facebook, or at least try not to compare to others,. Can you plan a summer holiday yet - but without making life seem too scripted.

You can't change other people - but why not make a plan to just carry on and see how you feel in February when we are out of the depths of winter.

Good luck.

GruochMacAlpin · 19/01/2017 20:18

Sounds like you need to have a serious discussion with your DH and propose a trip to the GO.

It does sound like he could be depressed but it could be something like a thyroid imbalance.

Ohyesiam · 19/01/2017 20:19

When you ask him, what does he day is wrong? Or does he deny feeling bad. His behaviour is not that of a happy person. Is he depressed? His general loss of interest in life is a symptom of depression.
Fire he talk to you? Would he see his go, would he go to counselling with you?

Original poster
SaliDali · 19/01/2017 20:19

I keep asking if everything is ok and he always says it is and that there is nothing wrong. How am I meant to know either way if he won't be honest with me?

Financial situation is fine. Good income (both work) and no debts. I don't known what he's like with life in general as I only seen him after work and on a weekend. He's the same in a weekend though, never interested in doing anything. If one of his mates suggests going to see a band though he'll suddenly liven up.

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 19/01/2017 20:20

Does, not fire....

bibbitybobbityyhat · 19/01/2017 20:23

Yanbu op. It sounds completely grim and hopeless.

Cut your losses. No shame in making a mistake in who you marry.

GruochMacAlpin · 19/01/2017 20:25

bibbity you are advising LTB without even trying to understand the issue? Confused

bibbitybobbityyhat · 19/01/2017 20:28

Yes, I am.

There are no children? Then go, op.

Beebeeeight · 19/01/2017 20:28

What do his friends/family think?

Is the depressed around them?

mistermagpie · 19/01/2017 20:32

Sounds like depression to me, the 'can't be arsed' with anything feeling sounds familiar to me as does the dip in sex drive.

Would he see a GP?

QuiteLikely5 · 19/01/2017 20:34

How long did you know him before marriage?

Sounds ridiculous tbh! Give your head a shake.........it's one thing coming here and slating him but what were you thinking in the first place

Rixera · 19/01/2017 20:34

Depression can strike when nothing is wrong, compounding the guilt.

ImperialBlether · 19/01/2017 20:36

I'm with bibbity saying go! What is the bloody point in trying to change someone's character? And he doesn't sound depressed at all - he sounds miserable - that's different! He perks up when his mates offer him a night out - if he was depressed he wouldn't want to do that, either.

NapQueen · 19/01/2017 20:37

What was he like before marriage?

Atenco · 19/01/2017 20:40

Just a suggestion, OP. But I think some people have a stereotypical idea of what stages of their life should be like, including marriage, meaning that their attitude changes as some as their relationship is called a marriage. He could be taking you for granted.

Mix56 · 19/01/2017 20:40

Sounds promising ! I hope you are not planning a family with this idiot

VaginaDentata · 19/01/2017 20:40

But are you saying he's a completely changed man since you got married?

Bodicea · 19/01/2017 20:45

Does he just see you as wifey now. I.e. All the fun stuff he does with his mates and you are just her indoors. I know a few women who have ended up with guys like that. Almost always ends in divorce.

Ilovetorrentialrain · 19/01/2017 20:49

OP that sounds awful. I'd leave. Cut your losses.

defoLosingIt · 19/01/2017 20:49

Sounds like depression to me. I wouldn't be so quick to say LTB unless you were only together for a month or so before you got married. Otherwise you must have had many happy years together before. You probably want that guy back. Even if not depression he could just be feeling in a bit of a rut. Nothing bad on you just life sometimes feels a bit samey and needs a shake up. Hence him perking up when offered to see a band. You really need to get him to open up. Make it clear that you can't go on like this. Good luck Flowers

Starlight2345 · 19/01/2017 20:57

Have you tried telling him how unhappy he is making you?

I do wonder if it is the I have got you now..Can't be arsed attitude..

bibbitybobbityyhat · 19/01/2017 20:57

I'd be completely ruthless and say think about leaving even if he is depressed, tbh. You've only been together for a year. Living with a depressed person is a long haul and can be very damaging.

Swipe left for the next trending thread