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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up of my marriage after one year

87 replies

SaliDali · 19/01/2017 20:06

Been married just under a year. Since we've been together we've had some great times and an exciting, happy life together but I feel as soon as we got married, it changed.

DH seems like he just can't be arsed anymore. He's stopped instigating sex some time ago so it has been me doing all the instigating for the past year or so. I decided to stop this as I want to know he WANTS sex with me rather than feels he has to and as I predicted, our sex life has dried up completely since I stopped instigating.

He never seems interested in anything. Never wants to go out or do anything. This Friday he's meant to be taking me out as it's my last day at my job and we were supposed to be celebrating. Well I came home tonight and told him I was looking forward to it to which he said "yeah I suppose so". I said "don't you want to go?" And he replied "yeah let's just see how I feel eh? Whether I can be arsed or not".

I feel really upset by this and have taken it quite personally. This was meant to be a celebration for me and he's openly said he can't be arsed!!

His excuse was that he feels a bit crap - but he says this PERMANANTLY. Every day more or less.

I'm just fed up and find myself wishing I hadn't married him. I'm sure there is someone out there that CAN be arsed with me?

Is this normal after one year of marriage? Am I being unfair or dramatic?

OP posts:

happypoobum · 19/01/2017 21:00

Well if it is depression he is being very selective about it isn't he? He is all perky about socialising with his mates but not with OP.

Counselling?

MuchAdoAboutItAll · 19/01/2017 21:01

This is what I'd do....Book him an appointment at the docs to see if he really does feel crap and go with him to make sure he gets there. Ask a trusted, discrete friend or relative who knows you both, for their opinion, possibly without disclosing the extent of your unhappiness first of all. Have they noticed a difference? That difference may be in his behaviour or they may think you are being affected. And when you know it's definitely, definitely his choice to behave in this way towards you, you can then choose an option that suits you. Good luck.

CommonFramework · 19/01/2017 21:02

What about the marriage vows, bibbity? They don't say 'ship out at the first sign of trouble'. What would you think of a man who did the same to a woman who was depressed?!

Op, what was your relationship like at first? How long have you been together? Did you live together before marriage? I'd see if your dh will go to the GP if you think he's depressed or has changed a lot.

LucklessMonster · 19/01/2017 21:02

Do you love him?

LostSight · 19/01/2017 21:03

Are his parents still around? What is their marriage like? Maybe he thinks that's how marriage is?

Maybe some time apart would clarify for him and you?

SparkleShinyGlitter · 19/01/2017 21:04

I know you've only been married 1 year but how long have you actually been together? Sorry if I've missed that dd is making me tired

If you've been together years and you love him and you've had a good relationship up until now I certainly wouldn't throw all that away without trying to see what the issue is. You need a sit down honest talk and explain that he needs to tell you what is going on as your sick of it and see what he says.
If he says he constantly feels crap and has no intreast in anything he could be suffering with depression. If that is the case then he needs a trip to the gp and to see what help is available

QuiltedAloeVera · 19/01/2017 21:05

You both need to communicate much more for this for marriage to work. I know you have asked him if he is ok but have you told him that you are not ok?

It is completely normal for marriages to go through rough patches. Rough patches aren't necessarily shouting matches, feeling frozen out of your OH's life can be at least as bad. But to fix it you have got to start being honest (kindly) with each other.

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 19/01/2017 21:05

He sounds like my best friends husband.

She's just divorced him. No energy for anything other than his own exclusive interests, and would not commit to anything.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 19/01/2017 21:06

I really think it's ok to say I made a mistake after such a short time.

StiffenedPleat · 19/01/2017 21:07

One doesn't normally rally from depression to skip off and see a band with a mate.

He sounds very dispiriting and disappointing to live with. It's the sort of behaviour that will ruin your self esteem.

I would organise some couples counselling.

GruochMacAlpin · 19/01/2017 21:09

My very lovely DH has a serious thyroid condition which (without treatment) radically changes his personality.

The early days of our marriage were difficult while the doctors struggled to sort him out. We've since been very happily married for nearly 20 years.

There's a reason the marriage vows say "in sickness and health, for better for worse".

Whilst I would never counsel someone to stay in a bad marriage, the OP indicates that this behaviour is a big change. Personally I think that's worth investigating and a little effort.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 19/01/2017 21:10

The first year of marriage is often really hard. Some people have romantic ideas about how lovely marriage will be and don't cope well with the reality being just like ordinary life but with some extra jewellery.
There are all sort of things it could be, you will only find out by talking to him. Do you think that telling him you are considering splitting up will shock him into agreeing to get help? I think it would be a shame to walk out on a marriage so soon when there is no abuse. I'd like to think my husband wouldn't have given up on me in those circumstances and I know I'd have fought to help him. You obviously loved him enough to marry him, so surely some effort to sort this out isn't too much to ask?

LuluJakey1 · 19/01/2017 21:10

Well you suggest a few of you go to see a band and have a good time. Tell him you want to go out tomorrow night and celebrate with him. You don't sound very positive yourself. You are not communicating asking him if everything is ok. You actually need to talk in detail to each other. Why should he instigate sex if you don't- he might think you have gone off it. It sounds like the pair of you expect the other to be a mind reader and don't make enough effort to communicate. He might be depressed - he sounds a bit insensitive at the moment. Talk and do things. I wouldn't give up yet but I would be talking and trying to make a better life.

BestZebbie · 19/01/2017 21:11

I think the opposite to bibbity: that if it has only been a short time then that is not a fair chance for a commitment "forever" that you were promising only a few months ago. Also, steps like GP appointments, serious talking with each other and then giving a fair chance (months) to see if changes can actually be made, therapy etc are all steps before divorce becomes a possibility.

MummyToThree479 · 19/01/2017 21:11

How long have you actually been together? If it's years and you've had happy times like you say in the OP and this behaviour is out of charter I certainly wouldn't just throw my marriage away without at least trying.

The key to a good marriage really is good communication, the two of you need to sit down and discuss this. You need to make it clear that you don't know what is wrong with him and it's worrying you and you are getting to a point when you can't take it anymore.
All marriages have spells of boring/rough times now and then it's how you deal with them that matters

If he feels crap all the time and has no enjoyment in anything he could be depressed and a trip to the gp will be needed.

I'd be completely ruthless and say think about leaving even if he is depressed, tbh. You've only been together for a year. Living with a depressed person is a long haul and can be very damaging Really? If a man posted about his wife with PND would you say the same? Don't you realise that depression is an illness you have no control over?
I had PND with my 2nd baby and a very bad spell of depression after my Dad passed away, should my dh of left worthless depressed me? Maybe I should be glad my dh wedding vows meant something to him and he supported/loved and took care of me

Tissunnyupnorth · 19/01/2017 21:14

Have you told him how his behaviour is making you feel?

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/01/2017 21:15

Depression is "cant be arsed to do anything" not "cant be arsed to do anything with my wife but happy to go on the lash with my friends"

I used to be married to a man like this. It was as if as soon as the ink dried on the marriage certificate he didnt have to make any effort anymore, so he didnt.

After 8 years I left, we had had sex 3 times in the previous 5 years and no nights out at all. I had longer conversations with my best friends husband than my own!

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 19/01/2017 21:17

One of the key things here is he can perk up and go and see a band if his mate asks. So, not depression then, just can't be arsed to make an effort with the OP, fine with his mates. He needs to shape up, or ship out.

Mindtrope · 19/01/2017 21:22

What was life like before marriage OP? Did you live together? In your own places/with parents?
How long have you been together?

Bushymuffmum · 19/01/2017 21:25

I would show him your post and give him a chance to sort himself out, a certain time period to make him realise what he's about to lose. And if he doesn't change, definitely leave the miserable sod!

ThePinkOcelot · 19/01/2017 21:28

I agree with Bibbity. You should still be in the honeymoon stage now. If he brightens up around friends' suggestions, then that doesn't sound like depression to me. Sounds to me like he has settled for pipe and carpet slippers already and is expecting you to follow suit.

AskBasil · 19/01/2017 21:29

Women bend over backwards to try and diagnose depression, sadness, thyroid etc. for lazy men.

Who aren't too lazy to go out with their mates.

Fuxache.

SecondsLeft · 19/01/2017 21:34

He sounds complacent. Don't settle for this. If he can't respond to some straight talking now, it will only get worse.

GruochMacAlpin · 19/01/2017 21:34

AskBasil that's actually pretty insulting.

I'd have said exactly The same if the poster was male or gay.

anothermalteserplease · 19/01/2017 21:36

His comment about your celebratory night is selfish. I'd be sympathetic if he was struggling in general but it sounds like he's got the energy to go out with friends. I hope you can go out with your friends tomorrow to celebrate still. Then have an honest and frank chat with your husband over the weekend about his attitude towards you. Marriage isn't always easy but it shouldn't be so hard when you're only married a year, both healthy, no young children sucking up all your energy and no debts.

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