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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up of my marriage after one year

87 replies

SaliDali · 19/01/2017 20:06

Been married just under a year. Since we've been together we've had some great times and an exciting, happy life together but I feel as soon as we got married, it changed.

DH seems like he just can't be arsed anymore. He's stopped instigating sex some time ago so it has been me doing all the instigating for the past year or so. I decided to stop this as I want to know he WANTS sex with me rather than feels he has to and as I predicted, our sex life has dried up completely since I stopped instigating.

He never seems interested in anything. Never wants to go out or do anything. This Friday he's meant to be taking me out as it's my last day at my job and we were supposed to be celebrating. Well I came home tonight and told him I was looking forward to it to which he said "yeah I suppose so". I said "don't you want to go?" And he replied "yeah let's just see how I feel eh? Whether I can be arsed or not".

I feel really upset by this and have taken it quite personally. This was meant to be a celebration for me and he's openly said he can't be arsed!!

His excuse was that he feels a bit crap - but he says this PERMANANTLY. Every day more or less.

I'm just fed up and find myself wishing I hadn't married him. I'm sure there is someone out there that CAN be arsed with me?

Is this normal after one year of marriage? Am I being unfair or dramatic?

OP posts:
SecondsLeft · 19/01/2017 21:36

It's like he has his slippers under the table and now feels he has to make no effort at all.

BillSykesDog · 19/01/2017 21:36

I don't think going out with friends necessarily rules out depression. Particularly if they can lend a sympathetic ear to talk things through. It doesn't sound like there is much of that at home, the post is all about how it affects the OP and there's zero concern for him.

Some people on here have shitty attitudes to mental illness. Would you be recommending the OP walked out on him if he had cancer or a stroke? They're all illnesses.

MrsAD86 · 19/01/2017 21:38

Talk to him!!!!

LanaorAna1 · 19/01/2017 21:38

He might have fallen out of love. Or think he doesn't have to try any more. Both these are as common as depression.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/01/2017 21:40

I have had depression, and I didnt brighten up when a friend called to go to a gig. I didnt want to do that either.

Perhaps he isnt depressed or ill or anything else.

Perhaps he is just a lazy sod who doesnt bother making any effort now he is married. I wonder what his parents marriage is like as these things are often learned.

Arcadia · 19/01/2017 21:45

The issue is lack of communication. Whether he's depressed or not, clearly it isn't working. I'd get out if I were you (and I have lived with a mildly depressed grumpy man for nearly 12 years but there is enough love, laughter and affection to keep us going).

emmaluvseeyore · 19/01/2017 21:46

Depression and low mood affect people differently. I had low mood for a couple of years and finally went to the GP about it last year. My low mood basically meant I struggled doing things like housework, cooking, going to uni, and also some "fun" things (seeing friends, trips out and about). But there were some things that I still enjoyed doing as it helped my mood - Brownies, choir, crochet.

It does sound like he could have low mood/depression, but it could also be that he's lazy and doesn't want to do anything. I agree with others saying that you need to talk to him. My mood very slowly got worse, so it was only when I got to my lowest point that my family and I realised it wasn't normal and I sought help.

Wellhereweare78 · 19/01/2017 21:46

I know lots of people have said possible depression but I want to say it from the viewpoint of the depressed person. Before I got married, I was very social - pretty much the life and soul - which dh loved, but around the time of our wedding a few things happened and I fell into a depression without realising. After the wedding dh was bemused to find that within a few months I just 'couldn't be arsed' to do anything. I didn't want to go anywhere, not interested in sex and didn't want to go out at all. Unlike your dh all I wanted to do was stay indoors in front of the telly with dh, I couldn't be bothered to see my mates etc. The long and short of it was that it really upset dh - he was convinced I was manifesting some kind of sub-concious regret for marrying him and it took ages for him to accept otherwise. It took me a while to get help and when I did I became far more energised but I think dh had more than a few days where he thought I was just taking him massively for granted. I was so caught up in feeling crap I didn't realise how he felt and he is rubbish at talking about his feelings so he just acted like it didn't really bother him until it got to breaking point. This was 12 years ago and things are all good now but it was definitely a hairy time for us and I've since been diagnosed as bipolar so it comes and goes. I had another pretty shitty dip after having dd, which was difficult too. At the end of the day it's up to you whether you think your dh has a medical problem or it's something else, and then if it is depression whether you think you can live with someone like that or not but it would be worth having an open conversation with your dh before you make any big decisions.

defoLosingIt · 19/01/2017 21:47

It may not be the case here but I do disagree with all those saying it can't be depression if he goes out with his mates. Depression can be very different for different people. More often than not the depressed person may feel more comfortable being themselves (I.e. Depressed) with those who are closest to them but making more of an effort with others. A lot of comedians have experienced depression for example. I know when I've had bouts of depression a lot of my friends had no idea and would have considered me the life and soul of the party. However my other half had to put up with me hiding under the duvet. Just saying...

MrsTeller · 19/01/2017 21:47

Whatever you do, make sure you're using reliable contraception while you decide.

I've just divorced a man who, amongst other things, always expected me to initiate sex, if you find it wearing after a year imagine 20 years of it.

ApplePaltrow21 · 19/01/2017 21:49

Actually depression can show up with going out with mates (trying to save face) but the real depression showing up at home. It's like how some people are the life and soul of the party but are miserable when no one is watching them.

Why do people act like they are experts on depression or mental illness? It's ridiculous. No-one gets to act like an expert on other illnesses or SN or something. Depression manifests COMPLETELY DIFFERENTLY frpm person to person. Just cos you could do something doesn't mean that every depressed person is the same and should have the same reaction.

Also, depression also manifests differently in men than women often so just because you are a woman who has faced depression doesn't mean you're an expert on depression full stop.

Wellhereweare78 · 19/01/2017 21:52

Agree with ApplePaltrow - 'feeling a bit crap' can be anything - depression, anaemia, Vit D deficiency, thyroid problems - all make you feel shattered and not arsed to do much.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/01/2017 21:58

Ok so if we accept that it could be depression then we also have to accept that it could be cantbearseditis. Both are equally possible.

Personally I have had experience of both and I am coming down on the side of CBA, but that is my opinion.

The fact is though, either way, if he wont talk to the OP, wont say if anything is wrong (or indeed, there is nothing wrong) then where does that leave her? It leaves her with a man who doesnt want to do anything with her socially, sexually or emotionally.

She cant force him to get help, if he does need help or change his attitude if he is just lazy. All she can do is look after herself and if that means leaving him then so be it. However a "I have been thinking of leaving because of this and if things dont change then I will" conversation is only fair. Then he has a choice to either seek help if he needs it or pull his fucking finger out if he is lazy, if he chooses to do nothing then he had his chance.

BillSykesDog · 19/01/2017 22:00

Exactly Apple, round of applause. I have known people with severe depression who go out drinking every night. Doesn't mean they're not depressed. In fact at least one of them certainly was given he killed himself.

Arcadia · 19/01/2017 22:01

The fact is though, either way, if he wont talk to the OP, wont say if anything is wrong (or indeed, there is nothing wrong) then where does that leave her? It leaves her with a man who doesnt want to do anything with her socially, sexually or emotionally.
Entirely agree with this from Pyongy

Givemestrength12 · 19/01/2017 22:05

Friends husband refused to go out with her...anywhere, just sat listening to music, so I went out with her, (I was single)..they split, she met someone else (that may have merged a bit...) she is now happily married with three kids...they were a lovely couple, just rushed into actually getting married..

TinySalmon · 19/01/2017 22:09

How long have you been together before getting married?

How old are you both?

NoMudNoLotus · 19/01/2017 22:13

I love it how people on here think they can diagnose depression Hmm

As a mental health nurse nothing irritates me more on here.

FWIW OP I've been practising 18 years & nothing in your post suggests depression to me.

NoMudNoLotus · 19/01/2017 22:15

Bill actually people who don't have depression do kill themselves.

It's also very unusual for somebody with true depression to go out of the house night after night .

Squtternutbosch · 19/01/2017 22:16

I was in this exact situation, OP. After just a few months my exH had totally lost interest in me, looked through me, wasn't interested in sex, only ever went out with his mates, but 'didn't see the point' in just us going out....

I left him 14 months after our wedding and almost immediately met someone else, who made me a million times happier. It didn't work out, which was really sad, but while it lasted it taught me what a real, happy partnership should be, and i won't settle for anything less in the future. Life's too bloody short.

hollygoflightly · 19/01/2017 22:17

I'm here to say it might be depression too. Obviously everyone is different but before my husband got diagnosed I couldn't work him out - he was so quiet and insular and moody with me and would go out with friends and be the life and soul! It's horrible but he was putting on a brave face and only allowed his real feelings to come out with me (lucky me). I also remember realising something was seriously wrong with him when I got a new job and bounded home to tell him and he was like 'oh well done' and didn't shift from the sofa.

That was about 13 years ago. We've been married nearly 10 years now, and as someone said it is HARD being married to depression, but I don't think any marriage is super easy is it? We generally work our way through the bad patches and life is more happy than not. Good luck x x

capricorn12 · 19/01/2017 22:19

This sounds just like my friends ex husband, although with them it started before they got married! He used to spend all his spare time on the xbox and she went to bed alone every night, no sex for years. One day she complained to him that her sleep was being affected by him coming to bed at 4am every night and when she came home from work to find he had made up the spare bed for her and he actually thought that she would be really pleased.
Like the OP's husband he had a general cant be arsed attitude to everything within their relationship but was more than happy to be out with his mates all weekend. They were married for 3 years in the end (together about 7) and she did try to talk to him and to shake things up but nothing was ever going to change so she moved on and she's really glad she did. Her only regret is that she didn't do it sooner.
I should add that 5 years later they are still friendly and he is repeating this behaviour with someone else.

BillSykesDog · 19/01/2017 22:21

Bollocks Mud. I think any barmaid who has a set of middle aged male regulars could set you straight on that one.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 19/01/2017 22:23

I have a dear friend who was with her boyfriend and very happy for a couple of years before marrying. They had an enormously fancy and expensive wedding - by far the poshest I have ever been to.

But a year later she had left him. It was because he wanted to sit in his home office gaming all weekend (he had a huge job and consequent huge salary hence the fancy wedding) and he thought weekends were for doing nothing. Whereas all she wanted was to go out for a walk in the country with him followed by dinner at the pub, or into town shopping + a pizza, or just the local cinema + popcorn, or just something that involved them being together.

But she quickly realised they just had different expectations of marriage. So she left him and is now very happily with someone else and they have a 10 year old together. She made a mistake and moved on. No one even thinks about it now.

motherinferior · 19/01/2017 22:27

Would you chuck him if you weren't married?

If so (and I suspect you would) I don't see what difference the wedding makes. Like
bibbety says, lots of people realise they don't want to be married any more.

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