To be fed up of my marriage after one year

[SaliDali]

Been married just under a year. Since we've been together we've had some great times and an exciting, happy life together but I feel as soon as we got married, it changed.

DH seems like he just can't be arsed anymore. He's stopped instigating sex some time ago so it has been me doing all the instigating for the past year or so. I decided to stop this as I want to know he WANTS sex with me rather than feels he has to and as I predicted, our sex life has dried up completely since I stopped instigating.

He never seems interested in anything. Never wants to go out or do anything. This Friday he's meant to be taking me out as it's my last day at my job and we were supposed to be celebrating. Well I came home tonight and told him I was looking forward to it to which he said "yeah I suppose so". I said "don't you want to go?" And he replied "yeah let's just see how I feel eh? Whether I can be arsed or not".

I feel really upset by this and have taken it quite personally. This was meant to be a celebration for me and he's openly said he can't be arsed!!

His excuse was that he feels a bit crap - but he says this PERMANANTLY. Every day more or less.

I'm just fed up and find myself wishing I hadn't married him. I'm sure there is someone out there that CAN be arsed with me?

Is this normal after one year of marriage? Am I being unfair or dramatic?

You are always free to leave, of course, I am not saying anyone has to stay in any relationship, married or not, when they don't want to.

Having said that, unless it is very much for legal/financial reasons, I don't know why people get married if they take the institution so lightly. I am not vested in it, not married myself and think love and loyalty are not a matter of being married or not. Still, why do it if you plan to leave when it is no longer fun? I know you haven't said anything about that OP, more other posters. They may be right that you should leave, I just wonder what people think marriage is.

He may have fallen out of love with you, or may have realised that he never really wanted this marriage. He may be depressed or unwell, and actually if that is the case it is not impossible that an occasional thing like seeing friends for a concert might perk him up. Not likely, but not impossible.

I think you need to talk to him about this and say that he seems unhappy and it is affecting you both. Tell him you need him to try and work out what is wrong and be honest if he is unhappy in the marriage. If he does not love you and wants out there is not much to fight for. If he says he is depressed or there is some other issue, then you have to decide if you really love him. If you do, remember that long term successful relationships don't often get to be long term and successful just by being lucky enough to have all good times. They get that way by sticking it out and being committed to working through the bad times. So if he wants to try, and you love him, I would not give up so soon. If this marriage goes the distance, you are going to hit worse things that this along the way.

Could this be depression, and why. Sorry, not read all posts. Good luck (I am a big fan of counselling).

OP, you won't know what'/ wrong unless you actually communicate with him.

Asking if he is OK is not how you communicate properly. I assume you must have loved him to marry him, so deciding to leave without having some honest conversations seems a bit panicked and extreme.

TELL HIM how you feel. 'I need an honest conversation with you. I am not happy. Please talk to me honestly because I want us to fix this. When X happens, I feel Y' etc. Then let him speak honestly too. If you want to give it the best chance of being productive, try not to be deliberately hurtful (sarcasm, and so on) so that the he only things which are hurtful or either of you can be angry about are the actual issues, not the mode of talking about them.

If you have tried (if you want to try!) and you still get nowhere with honest conversations, then don't make yourself unhappy by limping on in a marriage where you feel lonely and rejected.

Good luck x

Talk to him!!!!

She has!!!! And nothing is apparently wrong!!!! Perhaps she should torture it out of him????

Or just cut her losses and not spend waste years of her life trying to sort him out.

Whilst I agree that you should cut your losses if you can't sort this out, I think perhaps try a bit harder to communicate to find out what is wrong. Let him know that you are unhappy and thinking of leaving. If he still "can't be arsed" to make the effort for you but is enthusiastic about going out with his friends, I think you have your answer. I shouldn't be such hard work after only a year.

It should be such hard work!!

It shouldn't be such hard work!!

I agree with pp about having some more conversations before deciding anything.

I also think it's important to have your own life as well as life as a couple. Develop your own interests/friendships and don't spend ALL your time together. I find that it makes the time together more exciting and special then and makes the other person not take you for granted (i.e. that you'll always just be there waiting for them). That might not be helpful, it's just something that works for me and my DP. You may find that if you focus on yourself for a bit and leave him to it, he might start making more effort with you.

Also, maybe try asking him things he'd like to do (what kind of things did you do together before you were married?) If after a while you've had no luck persuading him to do anything or engage with you after a month or so then perhaps think about leaving but I'd try these things first.

I have tried talking to him, many times. I've told him I don't really feel as though he wants to spend time with me or that he puts any effort into our relationship but all I get back is "that's not true" etc and he refuses to admit that anything is wrong.

Over Christmas he was really miserable, laid on the sofa all the time saying he felt ill so I was working full time whilst trying to sort Christmas out. He just wasn't interested in any of if. I don't like Christmas either but you have to make an effort! Anyway he had a face like a slapped arse all week until Boxing Day arrived - he'd arranged a house party with his family and made sure he'd cheered up for that. Laughing and joking, beer in hand ...

We've been together around four and a half years. He's 45, I'm 36. No kids together and the kids we have individually are adults so theoretically we could be going out enjoying ourselves all the time but all I get from him is that he's tired and wants to relax.

I suggested to him last night that we need to make the effort to prevent our marriage going stale. He responded with "aww you think our marriage is stale!" I said "no, I'm worried it will end up that way if we make no effort". He said "we are, we're going out tomorrow night". But now I know he doesn't really want to I feel like I'm forcing him to take me out. The shine has gone somewhat :-(

Has he been married before then? Do you know why the marriage (or relationship with his childrens mother) ended?

HE organised the party at Xmas? Doesnt sound like depression to me.....

In that case it sounds OP like it's cards on the table time.

Why did you back off from the "marriage gone stale" comment?

You need to be really honest and blunt.

Tell him you are not happy, tell him why.
Set a time frame for improvements.
Send him to the GP.
Tell him the consequence of in action.

It really shouldn't be this difficult so early on. I was in a similar marriage and it lasted 3 years, I could not longer carry on that way. It wasn't depression with him, he was just lazy and selfish but also was happy when with his friends but not with mine. He didn't want me going out either though.

I wouldn't rule out depression or something similar. My DH has depression/anxiety but when it's bad doesn't want to go out with friends etc and is happier at home however SIL suffers the same but also from PTSD and struggles being with people close to her when it's bad and almost gets away from it all by going out with friends a lot rather than with us or DB (we are very close usually).

With XH I continuously told him I was unhappy but he dismissed it to an extent, or things would be better for a short time but basically we were either not compatible or he just wasn't that bothered, although even 12 years later he maintains that wasn't the case, his childhood/parents were pretty awful so the problems were probably more deep routed and he possibly just behaved the only way he knew how. Could that be something similar?