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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu

26 replies

Gizlotsmum · 19/01/2017 15:03

I am fed up to the back teeth of my daughter trying to over parent me..she is 8 and whatever I try and tell her brother to do she has to talk over me and try to parent him.. almost like I am incapable of doing it.. I don't know how to handle it.. I get cross and that doesn't work, I tell her it is rude and disrespectful and that doesn't work.. I walk away and leave her to it but that obviously doesn't work.. help!

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HairsprayBabe · 19/01/2017 15:51

Say "Are you his Mummy" she will answer "no" then say "Right, mind your own business then" and send her to another room whilst you deal with your son.

My parents did this to me all the time as I was "bossy" and a bit of a know it all who wanted to be a grownup from the age of 3 Blush

Original poster
Gizlotsmum · 19/01/2017 15:54

Thank you. Sending her to another room results in her leaving in tears...she never does it to her dad

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Original poster
Gizlotsmum · 19/01/2017 15:55

I think I need to take it less personally...which I struggle with

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DoomGloomAndKaboom · 19/01/2017 15:56

Don't walk away, send her to sit in another room while you deal with ds.

Is there a big age gap?

Sounds maddening.

HairsprayBabe · 19/01/2017 15:56

In the kindest way you need to be a bit tougher, they are crocodile tears because she is not getting her own way. They will stop when she knows you mean business and it's probably why she doesn't do it for her dad.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 19/01/2017 15:57

The fact you walk away and leave her to it just reiterates the concept that you aren't in charge.

Don't walk away. When she interrupts you tell her it is not acceptable for her to interrupt you. And if she does it again she will be told to go to her room for time out etc. Then follow through with consequences.

Reiterate that you are the parent and her brother needs to listen to what you are saying. Keep following through with consequences and stop backing down.

PovertyJetset · 19/01/2017 15:58

My DS went through this phase, and I used to say something along the lines of....
I know you want to help, but I'm in charge, so off you go and I'll sort this out,.

Firm but acknowledging the desire to help x

ImpetuousBride · 19/01/2017 15:59

The tears are an extreme reaction for an 8 year old..more like giving you a tantrum. I'd send her to her room regardless, you've already told her it's disrespectful and she's ignoring you.

Original poster
Gizlotsmum · 19/01/2017 16:01

Thank you. 3.5 yr age gap..I know I need to be tougher just seems to always happen ( regardless of what I do, time out, tell her to mind her own business etc) she'll say sorry then immediately do it again. She'll even start a split second before I do and I then have to stop and tell her to stop before carrying on...being poorly and having no voice is not helping with this today

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dollydaydream114 · 19/01/2017 16:03

Sending her to another room results in her leaving in tears.

So what? Shrug and leave her to cry. They're only tantrum/attention/spoilt brat tears - it's not like she's actually hurt. She'll stop doing it once she realises it results in her being totally ignored.

Bluntness100 · 19/01/2017 16:04

I suspect it's not about you, it's about him, she's trying to show she's older and can tell him what to do.

Original poster
Gizlotsmum · 19/01/2017 16:06

Tears seem to be her default. I think she is hormonal so that doesn't help her handle her emotions ( not making excuses she knows it is wrong).

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steppemum · 19/01/2017 16:07

Oh we have this.
I have 2 or 3 stock phrases

"are you a parent?"
"no third parenting in this house thank you"
"None of your business butt out"
"If you want to be a parent you can take on the cooking and cleaning too"

Actually if one of my kids tries to do it now the other will go (in veyr loud voices like an alarm going off)
"THIRD PARENT ALERT, THIRD PARENT ALERT, THIRD PARENT ALERT"
which usually stops it!

Do not tolerate it, and do not leave her to do it! I don't care if she goes off in tears, that is called going off in a huff in my house and I ignore it (dd2 is an expert at storming off in a huff when not getting her own way). Of course at some point take time to explain why it isn't on, but in the moment it is No, stop, leave the room if you can't stop.

Original poster
Gizlotsmum · 19/01/2017 16:09

Thank you. Will definitely use some of these phrases..think she will get a lot of exercise going to her room

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steppemum · 19/01/2017 16:10

tears are not an extreme reaction for some drama queens they are their default setting (can you tell I have one of these)
We ignore tears, strops and dramas. Since we started ignoring they last much less long. As soon as she comes back not in a strop we continue as before all smiles. seems to work.

And yes dd2 is 9 and I am seeing lots more dramatic tearful moments and some body changes. Dd1 did the same at this age, it is the beginning of hormones

DJBaggySmalls · 19/01/2017 16:10

Keep on cracking down on her and make sure your DP backs you up. I'd be surprised if she is being hormonal at 8.

ILiveForNachos · 19/01/2017 16:10

You need to ask her why she does it or try and understand why. If it's coming from a place of insecurity or worry that she's not needed anymore then sending her out or leaving her to cry is reinforcing that feeling therefore perpetuating the behaviour. Yes you are the adult and it must be mega annoying but she's not doing it to be a dick or because she's spoiled it's a reaction to what she's feeling in those situations.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 19/01/2017 16:13

She'll get a lot more tearful at first when she realises you mean business. It'll get worse before it gets better.

Original poster
Gizlotsmum · 19/01/2017 16:13

DJ she has started to get BO and her body is changing, also the incidents of tears ( above normal drama queen levels) increase on a 4 weekly cycle ( I have tracked it..normally a week before my pmt kicks in, can you tell how fun this house gets!)

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PuntCuffin · 19/01/2017 16:19

My DS (11) is like this with his 6 year old brother. Drives me demented.
Reading and learning with interest here. We do the 'leave the parenting to the parents' thing and get nowhere. He thinks he is helping when all it does is provoke tears and high pitched screaming from DS2. Grrr.

Original poster
Gizlotsmum · 19/01/2017 16:23

Kind of glad it's not just me!

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Topseyt · 19/01/2017 17:17

You don't need to try and discuss with her and understand at all. Just tell her that she isn't the parent, you are, and it is none of her business so she should butt out.

So what if sending her to another room results in tears. Harden up and ignore them. Totally. It is a totally normal reaction and not at all extreme. She needs putting back in her place, just as all children do sometimes. Of course she won't like it, but that is just tough. It won't harm her.

steppemum · 19/01/2017 17:38

It is pure bossyness and one upmanship "I am the oldest"
I don;t mean that in a nasty way, it is nirmal to assert your position in the family.
Ds did it to dd1, and then dd1 did EXACTLY the same thing to dd2. When I asked her how come, when she knew how annoying it was to receive it, she still passed it on and she just looked puzzled, and kind of said 'because she is younger????'
now dd2 (the drama queen) does it to her older brother and sister. She is also the bossy tell tale when they put on the TV when they shouldn't etc.

It is all part of the sibling power game, which is why I stamp it out.
'This is not a competition' is another phrase of mine.
and for telling tales - is someone hurt? is the house on fire? is there an emergency/ OH, then you don't need to tell tales do you?

Original poster
Gizlotsmum · 19/01/2017 17:55

Luckily we have stopped the telling tales on each other...I just refuse to listen...

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Strongmummy · 19/01/2017 19:44

First you've got to stop taking it personally. Don't get cross as there's really no point in arguing with an 8 year old. ask her to stop politely, but firmly. If she doesn't, ask her to leave the room. If she cries, she cries. Explain to her you appreciate her "help", but why it's important that she leaves discipline to you.