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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed at my husband for not telling me when to stop shopping?

401 replies

Kathmandu12 · 19/01/2017 06:12

So my husband and I had an agreement three years ago that he will set aside £900 per month for savings immediately. And that he'd tell me if I'm going overboard with spending. Since I don't manage money well, he takes care of it.

Anyway admittedly sometimes I go overboard (although I return a lot of what I buy) but I keep asking him and he just says he has money.

So now I just found out all we have is $2500, which will go to card payment and my summer class tuition fee.

His salary is £49000 net. We rent, we don't have a car, we have no kids. He has no vices, although he did have a tooth implant and root canal procedure last year which cost a lot.

I don't work but I have an internship that pays a bit, which I put in a savings account - so essentially that's our only savings.

I am pissed because I wasn't expecting this. So if he gets sacked from his job for any reason we won't have money.

OP posts:
DeathStare · 19/01/2017 07:22

You are being unreasonable on many levels.

First you are being unreasonable to refuse to deal with financial issues. You're an adult, and you refusing to deal with finances putting all that responsibility on your DH is no more acceptable than if your DH refused to do any housework saying he's bad at it - and you know how MN would react to that!

Secondly, if you have abdicated all responsibility for money and budgeting you were being very unreasonable (and demanding) to insist he puts X amount into savings. Knowing how much someone can afford to put into savings is contextual. Without you understanding the rest of your household budget, you have no clue whether X amount was a realistic amount to save or pie in the sky.

Thirdly, I I think you are being unreasonable to make specific demands, and then nit-pick at the results, of any job you expect your DH to do but you refuse to do yourself. If you want any job done a specific way then either do it yourself or at least participate in it equally. Again - to use the housework analogy - can you image the response a man would get if he said he refused to clean himself, but isn't happy with his wife's cleanining and can't understand why she can't do it X way?

Fourthly you are being unreasonable not to be in control of your personal spending. Even if you agreed you weren't going to participate in the rest of the household finances (which as I said above I think is unreasonable in itself) you could have asked your DH for a monthly spending budget and stuck to it. Telling your DH to tell you if you go overboard is irresponsible and puts way to ch pressure on him. Who decides what counts as overboard? Is that when you've racked up tens of thousands of credit card debt? Is it when you've spent the savings? Is it when he's having to take on overtime. What happens if you've gone overboard by week 2 of a month... is he expected to tell you not to eat for the rest of the month? Expecting your DH to tell you when you've gone overboard puts him in a horrible position where he is having to make these decision on his own and with limited information (unless he checks online bank statements daily how can he possibly know how much you've spent?)

Fifthly you are being unreasonable to get this worked up about lack of savings - particularly when you don't earn yourself. Yes, in an ideal world everyone would have savings but in reality it's a luxury many people can't afford (me included). You've chosen to spend the money and admit to going overboard but seem cross that your DH hasn't also managed to provide you with an additional luxury (savings) that many people don't have. Savings are a luxury and you sound like a petulant child getting annoyed because you don't have all the luxuries you want.

Finally you are being massively unreasonable to be pissed off with your DH for any of this. He took responsibility for a job you refused to do, you still spent what you wanted with no thought for the consequences, he has managed - on his own - to keep the bills paid, a roof over your head, the pair of you pretty much debt-free AND you have (up to now) been able to buy whatever you like. And now you are mad at him because it hasn't worked out with all the luxuries you wanted.

Apologise to your DH (lots), ask him to go through the finances with you and from now on take equal responsibility for the. And curb your spending.

Original poster
Kathmandu12 · 19/01/2017 07:22

stick with one currency FFS

Ok, ok, I got confused, sorry!

OP posts:
merrymouse · 19/01/2017 07:24

If you can't control your spending you have an addiction and you should no more be shopping than an alcoholic should be knocking back beer because it is their 'happiness'. You certainly shouldn't be using a credit card.

You are either capable of managing money or you shouldn't be spending money. There is no third way where it is all somebody else's fault.

Original poster
Kathmandu12 · 19/01/2017 07:24

Thank you, Deathstare. You're very right, only one thing - the $2000 is a realistic savings amount for us.

Also, I did not realize that savings is a luxury. So you're right about that too.

OP posts:
00100001 · 19/01/2017 07:25

OP what are you going to do to help you and your DH

SoupDragon · 19/01/2017 07:25

Are you the lead character from the Shopaholic books?

Disappointednomore · 19/01/2017 07:26

Dustymaiden Grin

Original poster
Kathmandu12 · 19/01/2017 07:26

Are you the lead character from the Shopaholic books?

No. I do not buy designer stuff.

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 19/01/2017 07:27

Usually at this point in this sort of thread the OP has acknowledged all the helpful posters, and decided how they are going to sort stuff out.

Thinkingblonde · 19/01/2017 07:27

How old are you?
You sound immature, your husband isn't your parent.
Are you pissed off with yourself because you've realised the bottomless pit of available cash you thought was there for you to dip into isn't bottomless after all?

I think it's a big mistake for him to put more money at your disposal. I.E. into a joint account instead of savings, if I was him I'd put the savings into somewhere you couldn't access without his knowledge.

Original poster
Kathmandu12 · 19/01/2017 07:27

OP what are you going to do to help you and your DH

Would I be unreasonable to ask for access to his account, so I can see our financial situation and not be guessing?

OP posts:
Original poster
Kathmandu12 · 19/01/2017 07:28

Usually at this point in this sort of thread the OP has acknowledged all the helpful posters, and decided how they are going to sort stuff out.

I actually already did. I don't know what your point is.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 19/01/2017 07:28

I sort of understand in that we never really had to budget until recently and it came as a big shock.

If your husband won't allow you to see your account balances that's a massive red flag.

All you need to do is get a cheap notebook and write down everything you spend money on. When you reach your budget, stop. Or take out the cash you have and only spend until it's gone.

SoupDragon · 19/01/2017 07:28

£49k/year (starting January) = AUD $7986 / month.

It doesn't. It's more like $6,666 allowing for a conversion of £49,000 to $80,000 (which is actually slightly too high)

SoupDragon · 19/01/2017 07:30

Would I be unreasonable to ask for access to his account

No bloody way would I let you have access to my account given your spending history! I would give you a credit card with a far lower credit limit.

The answer is to sort out the root of this which is your spending problem. Solve that and everything else falls into place.

00100001 · 19/01/2017 07:31

You would be unreasonable to not just ask him and come up with a plan together.

Think about what YOU are actually going to do once you know the situation.

What if he has hidden debt from you? Then what?

What if the sensible amount is only $50?

What if you both can afford for you to fritter away $800?

What are YOU going to sacrifice to help yourself and get these savings you want??

Original poster
Kathmandu12 · 19/01/2017 07:32

Sorry the £49 is his previous salary.

Made the calculation again, sticking to one currency (sorry again onion!)

$88900 net
$7408 / month

OP posts:
OnionKnight · 19/01/2017 07:32

Chuffing hell, if he gives you access to his account then I don't know what to say.

00100001 · 19/01/2017 07:33

As yknowyourself what you would honestly do if say it turns out your DH has hidden $10,000 of debt from you and your couldn't buy crisp all month because you have to pay off the debt.

SheldonCRules · 19/01/2017 07:33

Not a chance I'd give you full access to funds.

You are an adult, learn to budget. Stop shopping, if you are returning lots then you have an issue.

You need to grow up, how do you expect to cope in the world of work if you can't even work out what you spend in a week?

00100001 · 19/01/2017 07:33

Answer my questions OP

RebelRogue · 19/01/2017 07:33

No. I do not buy designer stuff.

No just 1000£ leather jackets. I assume the jacket wasn't the o ly thing you bought that month either.

merrymouse · 19/01/2017 07:33

the $2000 is a realistic savings amount for us.

I suspect that you have no idea what a realistic amount would be.

You claim to know how much you spend on food etc, but you also say that you don't have access to the main bank account and never check spending.

PurpleDaisies · 19/01/2017 07:33

Would I be unreasonable to ask for access to his account, so I can see our financial situation and not be guessing?

Soup She only wants to know where they are-it's not about spending the money. Don't you think it's worrying if both partners can't see all the finances?

TeethDrama · 19/01/2017 07:34

Mistress Maisie This is very true, your statement: "What do you do with all the stuff you buy- if you dump it on charity shops that imv is pretty awful - filling our world with trash that no one actually wants. Even if someone buys it when they have finished it it goes to landfill. If you had to sell everything on eBay the hassle of that might reduce your buying."

It IS far more hassle to sell on Ebay and it does make you think twice about buying things in the first place, or keeping things which you are not 100% keen on.

OP - Whatever you proposed in the past hasn't worked. So from today, make sure you see the statements once a month including those for the "savings account".