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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be put of by funeral dress codes?

42 replies

Funnyfarmer · 16/01/2017 21:52

Back in November a mum from school tragically passed, I didn't know her to well but felt I would like to pay my respects at her funeral. Just as I was about to get ready I got a text saying the family have requested people are to wear bright clothing. I opened my wardrobe and had nothing bright in my autumn/winter wardrobe even if I had the time to dig out my summer clothing they are just that summer clothing It was a burial, I would have been freezing. I don't know her family and felt I may have percived as disrespectful if I turned up in dark clothing, so I decided not to go. Today I attended a funeral where everyone was asked to wear a Manchester United kit! Luckley this time I had few days notice and managed to borrow a united tracksuit 3 sizes to big, if I hadn't managed to borrow one would I have been expected to buy one? On Thursday I'm attending another funeral where everyone has been asked to wear rastapharian/Jamaican style clothes. I hope I'm not coming across disrespectful because I really don't mean too but it really is putting me off attending peoples funerals who otherwise I would like to pay respect too

OP posts:
elQuintoConyo · 16/01/2017 21:54

Wtaf? Who do you know?

MollyHuaCha · 16/01/2017 21:59

Just go to the funeral in whatever you feel comfortable in. More than once I've been to funerals that claim to be 'a celebration of life' - 'wear bright colours and bring the children along!' They're not a cheery celebration of life at all . They're sad, sombre and just as teary and morbid as all the others.

WorraLiberty · 16/01/2017 22:00

How very strange that this should happen 3 times in such a short space of time.

Generally, this sort of thing is just a request and not everyone ends up taking part.

Crowdblundering · 16/01/2017 22:02

Last funeral I went to I asked what the dress code was and it was black which was surprising as the deceased was fairly young.

CancellyMcChequeface · 16/01/2017 22:08

YANBU and this would put me off too. I have a nice black suit that I wear to funerals. I couldn't put together an outfit based on bright colours, football kit, or Jamaican style with what I have in my wardrobe, and I can't afford to buy an entirely new outfit that I'm unlikely to wear again.

If the dress code was suggested but optional, I'd probably go and wear something small that fit the theme, like a scarf. If it was required then I probably wouldn't attend the funeral.

MsVestibule · 16/01/2017 22:13

I would just wear what I wanted - they're not going to forbid you from entering the church/crem because you're not wearing rasta clothing!

Was every other person really wearing Man United kit, including their elderly relatives?

mysteryfairy · 16/01/2017 22:13

I went to a funeral of a young mum with a request from the family to wear bright pink. I didn't as I don't have any and had no time to sort anything out. I was in the minority but not in a remotely uncomfortable way. It was an awful event but a mum of four in her thirties had died so I had fully expected it to be so.

altiara · 16/01/2017 22:20

Can't go wrong with black!
When my aunt in law passed away, MIL (her sister) passed on the message that we were to wear bright colours. So we did, travelled 2.5 hours to get there and discovered his cousins had said 'splash' of colour. Can't remember what I was wearing, just remember DH kept his coat on as his uncle (MIL's brother) kept commenting on his shirt.
I certainly wouldn't wear a football kit! Maybe the scarf IF I had one. As for Jamaican style, maybe a colourful scarf. Yep, build up a collection of scarves.

Crunchymum · 16/01/2017 22:20

Are you sure these are funerals and not fancy dress parties?

MyWineTime · 16/01/2017 22:27

I don't think the expectation is that everyone will follow things exactly - especially when they are so specific. Just go in what you are comfortable in.

I've never heard anything quite as specific as those though. It's been things like, no black or wear something pink, with no pressure for anyone who couldn't locate anything pink.

Crowdblundering · 16/01/2017 22:32

To be honest if you turn up and don't adhere to the "code" but are respectful it's not like you are going to be turned away.

OllyBJolly · 16/01/2017 22:35

Most funerals I've been to in the past few years have stipulated a dress code - usually bright colours or deceased favourite colour. Never had a football one, although have been to some where football scarves have been worn when deceased is a big fan.

I don't think the family in these cases want to put people under pressure; just a request. I've been to many funerals that have not been morbid at all.

OneWithTheForce · 16/01/2017 22:37

I find it odd/creepy that you would go to the Funeral of someone you didn't know too well!

mylittlephoney · 16/01/2017 22:40

The last funeral I went to ( 2 weeks ago) said bright colours to be worn. I had a bright purple top under a black suit with a pink scarf. It was enough. Respectable and colourful. (He was 90 and deeply religious) I think it's all about going and respect. Have a statement colour with your dark.

Reality16 · 16/01/2017 22:41

Erm, just becasue they say wear bright clothes or football related stuff doesn't mean you HAVE to . You can still go to the funeral and wear something else. Nobody will be guarding the door and nobody will care that you don't own a Man U shirt.

KurriKurri · 16/01/2017 22:44

I think funerals these days often have brighter colours - to reflect the personality of the person who has died. I have been to one where everyone was asked to where light blue (Man City) - but I didn't know about the request so I just wore black trousers and jacket and white blouse. No one said anything.

To more recent ones were of young people and the requests were for green - which I wore quite happily, and red - I wore a top with some red in it, as I didn't have anything totally red.

No one expects you to go our and buys a special outfit, just do the best with what you have - respectful is turning up and behaving respectfully clothes don;t really matter. It is a comfort to the bereaved when people turn up to a funeral of someone they loved.

If you are not comfortable with bright clothing - just wear something plain and add a brighter scarf or something.

The funeral I went to where everyone wore green looked absolutely beautiful the church was a sea of green - the favourite colour of the girl who died - and it really was a celebration of her life as well as being unbearably sad. My DS gave the eulogy and he made it full of laughs and fun - because that's who the girl who died was - a fun loving colourful person.

KurriKurri · 16/01/2017 22:44

I think funerals these days often have brighter colours - to reflect the personality of the person who has died. I have been to one where everyone was asked to where light blue (Man City) - but I didn't know about the request so I just wore black trousers and jacket and white blouse. No one said anything.

To more recent ones were of young people and the requests were for green - which I wore quite happily, and red - I wore a top with some red in it, as I didn't have anything totally red.

No one expects you to go our and buys a special outfit, just do the best with what you have - respectful is turning up and behaving respectfully clothes don;t really matter. It is a comfort to the bereaved when people turn up to a funeral of someone they loved.

If you are not comfortable with bright clothing - just wear something plain and add a brighter scarf or something.

The funeral I went to where everyone wore green looked absolutely beautiful the church was a sea of green - the favourite colour of the girl who died - and it really was a celebration of her life as well as being unbearably sad. My DS gave the eulogy and he made it full of laughs and fun - because that's who the girl who died was - a fun loving colourful person.

paddypants13 · 16/01/2017 22:46

I have only been to one funeral where the family asked us to wear bright colours. I wore a black and white dress with a bright cardigan and more or less everyone had done the same.

I am lucky in that I have not lost either of my parents, a spouse or a child but I can't imagine I would give a fig what anyone wore to the funeral if I did! It seems rather odd to me expecting people to buy/ borrow specific items of clothing for roughly 30 minutes.

Original poster
Funnyfarmer · 16/01/2017 22:56

Onewithforce when I said I didn't know her too well. Hadn't really known her long her dd and my dd are in the same class so only got to know her through dc so didn't know her family or other freinds outside the school group. But I liked her we got on really well and was very saddend by her sudden death

OP posts:
bojorojo · 17/01/2017 00:33

I think just find a bright scarf and don't wear black. I rarely wear black to funerals. Burgundy, grey or navy. No-one has ever said what to wear but funerals are changing. Lots of pictures, readings, stories, pop music (My Way!) and themes.

We have a brick "coal bunker" shaped memorial in our village churchyard on which people place plaques with the name of their relative that has died and a message. My only funeral instruction is that my name will not, under any circumstances, be added to the coal-bunker. It is hideously ugly.

TheClaws · 17/01/2017 00:52

Well, it isn't really about you, is it? Just do the best you can. I doubt anyone will notice what you're wearing, especially if you weren't particularly close to the person - unless you're wearing something really inappropriate.

BoredOnMatLeave · 17/01/2017 07:00

Interested to know if everyone actually wore a man utd kit OP? As I think that would be your answer.

dailyshite · 17/01/2017 09:06

I'm really surprised that people would object to the deceased or bereaved person's wishes. It might not be your choice but surely if you like someone enough to go to their funeral, you respect them enough to make an effort to do what they're asking?

Of course no one is expecting anyone to go an buy a full man U kit (or whatever), that's common sense.

Have we exhausted weddings now on MN? Do we have to start on funerals to find something worth bitching about because some one is doing it differently to how we would?

ChristmasCwtches · 17/01/2017 09:28

YABU I've unfortunately had to attend a few funerals of children where the dress code was "bright clothing". Most people wore formal clothing with a splash of colour, bright tie, scarf or blouse - no need to go OTT.

myfavouritecolourispurple · 17/01/2017 09:29

I can't wear black to funerals because I don't have anything black. I wore navy to my father's funeral and brown to a funeral I went to about 3 years ago for a friend.

I'd follow the deceased's wishes (or those of the family) but I would not go in Man Utd kit unless I could get hold of something like a scarf easily.