To ask how much your OH makes so you can be a SAHP?

[justasliver]

Curious. How much does your DH (or DW!) make in order for you to stay at home and not be skint at the end of the month? I don't know how couples do it!

As someone who has worked when DS1 was young and then later become a SAHM after DS2 arrived, I have a little sympathy for Icy.
I did feel I lost a lot of who I was when I gave up work. As soon as someone asks what you do, I felt awkward trying to justify my lack of paid employment.
BUT, when it came down to it, I also loved being at home with the DC and being their prime carer. I managed to find plenty of 'job' satisfaction doing that, but won't deny some degree of loss of self-esteem when in the company of professionals.

I love it when people without kids come on here and tell us how they're going to do things when they have kids.

Indeed, unlimited. Icy, do come and report back once you've had your baby.

Not sure if it's been pointed out already, but people who aren't currently in work are not necessarily financially dependent - some have many years of savings (or family money) behind them.

Actually laughing at icy who hasn't even had the kid yet! To answer a previous post, yes there are plenty of before/after school clubs to facilitate returning to work once your children start school. However my son only turned 4 in July, started school in September, quite frankly at 3pm he's shattered. He wants to see his mum, he wants to come home and relax. Not shoved in a high vis vest and onto a mini bus with 20 other kids til someone can pick him up at 6pm.....
I don't work, because financially I don't need to, I won't sacrifice the well being of my children so I can say I 'have it all' so that when I'm in my dotage I can say 'I reached my earning potential and never sacrificed my independence'....

icy

Yes love, you carry on thinking about not wanting to be a housewife.
I think it's a fantastic attitude.
but I wonder why you presume that a sahp is a housewife.
The clue is in the title "Parent" being that some people choose not to outsource part or all of their children's day to others.
You wouldn't like it if people were to ask you why you are having a child if you are allowing others to raise it for x amount of hours per day.
I'm not suggesting for one minute that one is better than the other, but being smug before you have experienced something is a bit stupid.

Well, that told us, didn't it, Icy? I must be a total dunce with only my one Oxford degree, then. So must all my other local SAHM friends - you know, the doctor of archeology, the vet, the human rights lawyer. Please don't suggest that we're all too stupid to have weighed up the decision very carefully and put appropriate financial protections in place. I made sure that we had sufficient investments so that God forbid, if DH and I didn't work out, I would have a reasonable income in my own right.

Slightly off-topic, I know, so apologies in advance to everyone else, but I'll tell you what, Icy - when UK employers (including those in the City, who will in many cases cite "business needs" and refuse to approve flexible working requests) are legally obliged to let parents work part time or go home at a reasonable hour such that they actually manage to see their children awake during the week, then I'll be really happy to have a further chat about it. It really, really grates when friends get on their moral high horses about SAHM mums and financial dependence and then declare on the day of the tube strike that they are a bit annoyed because they have had to leave the house before their kids woke up. Indeed. It was a bit miserable doing it every single day, too.

Apologies to everyone else. And breathe...

There are always various issues on threads like these.

1. Why does it matter what other people think? I've always worked full time. I took 2 weeks annual leave and went back. I couldn't care less what other people hink. It worked brilliantly for the children and all of us. It doesn't matter what other people think about you,.

1. It's a pity it's always women with these issues though, isn't it? Rarely are men crticised for their choices.

3,. It is a pity more women than men go part time or stop work as that has a political and societal result which you cannot escape from - it damages other women's careers and how they are seen in the workplace and your children. Now you might think - I couldn't care less and that's fine but it does have that impact. You might think that's great because you want employers to realise parents of either gender want to be with their children a bit more than some jobs allow.

1. As a lawyer who has aside from my career known large numbers of women left high and dry financially by men though always spread risk in a family, ideally have two incomes, investments (if you can), keep options option and choices, earn as high as you can and never every don't know about and have equal say in the family finances. Be as interested in that tax return of your other half, his pension choices, his P60 form, his investments as in whatever your favourite hobby is. In fact loads of women who stay at home also take on 100% of the family finances and admin - the two are not mutually exclusive by any means.

1. The early years with babies are very hard. We had a baby, 18 month year old and 3 year old at one stage (hardest time of our lives). I am not sure that had one of us not worked it would have been easier even though 100% of one of our net salaries or 50% each went on childcare and probably moist of the other half on a mortgage but it was an investment for the future for us as we chose careers where wages go up with promotions.

I've never been a sahm but would love to be! Sorry to offend, Icy but these decisions or wants have sweet fa to do with your level of education, although you show ignorance in spades.

Back to topic, my dh earns just over 30K and I earn around 12K (I'm p/t) - we could live on dhs salary but money would be tight. We own our house outright and don't live extravagantly but we have some savings and can afford holidays (mainly UK, abroad but not every year - we decided not to go abroad this year as I need a new car and we want to gut improve the kitchen), we both need a car each for work and have no debt. Our jobs are local so no commute and the hours are not excessive, compared to high earner friends so we have a nice balance. And although, my youngest is now at school, I've still kept to 2 and half days a week because otherwise it would be a nightmare fitting in two 40 hours weeks with taking the dc to their activities, keeping the house cleanish and you know, actually having a life!

Thanks for that Icy. It's nice when you have the answers to everything. Please fuck off to the far side of fuck with the term 'house wife' though. SAHP are doing childcare, just like a paid nursery nurse or nanny or childminder. It's demeaning and anti feminist to not place value on the role of childcare - whether performed by a parents or paid for.

I was probably guilty of thinking like you, pre baby. I have a first class degree from a top uni in a science subject, won prizes at my graduation.

Children change you.

Please don't think I'd choose to be a SAHP because I hadn't thought it through! Sometimes, it's what's best for your kids that's important, not what's best for you.

In some situations that means its best for the kids to have a two income family, either financially or if the mother or father isn't particularly enjoy being at home with the kids and needs work for their sanity.

For my family we don't need two incomes and my Dc would be better off with me at home. I've given this a lot of thought, and if the marriage broke down my dc wouldn't be without and I would sort myself out.

Also had a job from 16, always had my own independence yadda yadda yadda.

Pmsl, yes let's all take the sage advice of someone who doesn't even have kids yet. Fuck me, Icy, you sound just like my mother. "education, education, education, degree, degree, degree, never be financially dependent on a man (the horror!)". What a fucking shit show she is. Omg, while throwing herself headlong at career she threw the baby out with the bathwater and my resulting childhood of parental neglect is half the reason I choose to be a sahm. I have NO FAMILY to offer me free childcare, any money I earnt would pay someone else to look after them. I'd still have nothing and possibly even less. Ofcourse I could get one of those term time school hours jobs but I'm just too busy herding unicorns! You, my love, are clueless and it's quite amusing. As I told my mother "to never be financially dependent on Mr Elbows is to never trust him and that's no basis for marriage". I refuse to live my life in fear of an imagined inevitability that my marriage will end. I married a good man, a decent man, who values the work that raising children is and is more than happy to support me while I support him. We're a team and our focus is our children not the almighty pound and how many of them we can spend on shit we don't need. We dare to be happy and offer a great big fuck off tablet to anyone who seeks to pour bitterness on our life. Enjoy your baby, you have soooooo much to learn

£32k
But I get a disability payment, child maintenance and child benefit means I 'earn' 1k a month. Just come off maternity, worked out I'd earn £3 a day at work after fees. We live very comfortably, own our home, having a big wedding and doing house renovations. Not quite sure how it stretches so far, but it does.

75k, I went back to work after ds1 but after ds2 there wasn't any point as paying for childcare for both boys was more than my wage. I now work the odd weekend just to keep my nursing registration active .

I would say we are comfortable. We don't worry about money but also don't have lots left at the end of the month

Couldn't have put it better myself, Flying!

Dh earns 40k and we are a bit skint but we have (UK) holidays, the kids have extra curricular activities and the like. We drive 2 crappy cars and our mortgage on a 4 bed is only 150pm. We live in the central belt of Scotland. DC are 6 and 10.

Additionally I'm actually the more 'educated' out of the two of us. I have a masters from a prestigious university but I chose to stay at home because it's what I thought was best for us . Also I am intelligent enough to see other peoples viewpoints, to assess my own life and not need to seek validation but pointing out other people's perceived failings.

yes let's all take the sage advice of someone who doesn't even have kids yet

To be fair, most people who don't yet have kids aren't that narrow-minded!

2 weeks annual leave would have been a fat lot of good to me, since I was in hospital that long after having my first after almost drowning in my own body fluids after a ,4 unit transfusion.

Maybe I didn't try hard enough to move through hell or high water.

Have been an (active) stepmother for 7 years (since ages 2 & 4) so I know about parenting, being there, the pressures of it, thanks for the concern. People can make their own life choices and others can have views on them. I don't think that's unusual. I regard a wholly domestic life as a waste, others see it as a dream. And yes actually education, on a macro scale, has a huge bearing on a) the number of kids women have and b) the likelihood of them being working parents. It's well documented.

Pick that sounds nasty. I'm sorry. My post says do what you feel is right for you and ignore other people and am happy to repeat that here.

One of the things I feel luckiest for in life is that I don't much care what other people think. I think it also helped that I had my first child almost 15 - 20 years before some of my friends (I was married at 21 and a even my parents didn't have children until mid 30s and my grandfather was nearly 50!!) so I never had a peer group having babies with their own views or opinions pushed on me. I could do what I felt was best for me and my family (and yes that was to go back to work full time and not be off long and for other people male or female that choice might be the other way round)

Yes the rich and poor have a lot of children in the UK. I have earned pretty well and there is nothing I am more glad I could spend my money on as five children.

£24k (before tax). We don't struggle but we don't usually have much spare either. We do save every month to separate accounts for car expenses and anything DD needs (£30 for DD, £80-100 for the car) and we budget for food shopping- meal plan and stick to it. X

You cut your cloth..
We live in Scotland, DHs wage is 24k. We live hand to mouth but have all we need and we wanted one of us to be home with the kids till theyre all in school. We have 4 DC.
We have some luxuries ie a second car which a lot of families in similar situations dont but I coukdnt do the school run witgout a car and we never eat out etc and rarely buy clothes (always ask for clothes for us and kids for birthdays/christmas)

Icy, I hadon't a good education, including an Honours degree, but I've chosen to be a SAHM while my DD is small. She is at primary school but loves having me at home, spending all the holidays together and time after school, being able to go to things at school and being here if she's not well. I love all that too, and the time will come when I do go back to work but not until she's bigger. We're all different.

Grrrr that was meant to say HAD a good education. Stupid phone!

DH earns £120k plus bonus. I have straight A grades at GCSE and A level and a 2:1 from Oxford, and I feel very lucky as well as proud to be a SAHM. I feel lucky to be able to have the choice and still be comfortable financially. I feel proud because I work bloody hard looking after 3 DCs single-handedly during the week and supporting DH in his career (he is v lucky to work in a job he loves and is passionate about, but works long hours and often at weekends or has trips overseas etc). It is what works for us as a family, whilst our DC are still small (currently 7, 5 and 2). I will return to paid employment at some point, but again I am lucky that I will be doing it when it is convenient for me in terms of not needing to pay for childcare, and to do something I am interested in and for my own fulfilment rather than because we need the money.

Wow, some of mumsnet are Minted!

hungry I think it's important people know however how much many women (and men) earn so it makes them realises the possibilities for their daughters in terms of careers later. We often in our own little bubbles where everyone is like us and one of the nice things about MN is we speak on line to all kinds of different people.

(On £120k £47k goes in tax NI and assuming no student loan repayments that leaves about £6000 a month. Mortgage will often be £2k a week or higher for many people. Mine because the only work of my kind is in the SE was £90k a year at one stage interest only. So the amount of money these high earners actually have after those costs can be a bit lower (but still massive higher than many) than expected.

"I regard a wholly domestic life as a waste.."

Icy - do you realise how patronising that statement is to billions of women around the world, most of whom have little choice about their circumstances?

As for me, I've had it all over the years - "kept woman", "princess", even a "prostitute" (all from women, which is a shame, I think). In contrast, I have never felt disrespected by my husband. He supports me, I support him. I know many, many women in my position and none of us are a waste.