To ask how much your OH makes so you can be a SAHP?

[justasliver]

Curious. How much does your DH (or DW!) make in order for you to stay at home and not be skint at the end of the month? I don't know how couples do it!

Luciana000 I'd question why anyone would stay at home for 14 years. When they're babies is one thing, but when they're in full time education & there are breakfast and/or after school activity options to accommodate getting at least a PT job, it seems to me absolutely mad that anyone would prefer to be at home all day and utterly financial dependant on their other half.

At worst you'd be fucked if he decided he wanted a divorce as frankly after being out of the workforce for 14 years your earning capacity will be at the same, or below the, level it was when you stopped; at best you'd be giving up the opportunity to help get your family financially secure - use wages exclusively to make mortgage overpayments for example. Or to save towards a deposit if otherwise home ownership is a dream.

Not sahm now but i was for over a decade. Dh earned anywhere between 16K and 37K. It was more a case of outgoings. We luckily have low mortgage. Also we had DC very young so had never built up a good 2 wage lifestyle. In addition because we had twins and a large family we were always better off me sah due to childcare costs and I never had more than a low paying job then. Have taken the opportunity to retrain whilst sah.

Just considering the same op. Do earns 100k basic plus 70ish bonus. I work 3 days for 26k and would like to stop - obviously not earning much in comparison (though taxed way less) but stopping would basically mean no going back career wise, no fall back if dh loses job, no change of scenery during the week... On the other hand, not happy at work right now plus school is looming with 2 still at nursery so logistically working after September will be a nightmare.

You missed my point icy, which was not about how much a household needs for one person to be a sahp (as you can see on the thread, the amount varies hugely) but that someone with a large house in an expensive area, a second home on the coast, children in private schools and a very large income indeed - more than 5x the national average iirc, I cba to scroll back - could feel that money's "a bit tight" or whatever other stupid remark it was. If you are a couple earning £100,000 pa between you then that puts you in the top 98% of households in the country. Time for people to get more in touch with reality.

Just under 27k.
We manage, but have to budget so we know exactly where every penny goes.

We've just made the decision for me to stay at home for a year or so (currently on mat leave). DH earns 50k, we don't have many outgoings but do live in London so high cost of living. It was a difficult decision and will mean us having to budget but we have decided it will be best for us all at the moment.

bibbitybobbityyhat Reductionist, but okay. People earning high wages with high fixed outgoings shouldn't admit to feeling the pinch compared to their peers, when their disposable income is limited. Everyone should always assess their situation from a much lower earners' perspective, because that's obviously "reality". In fact why stop there - count yourself lucky you're not in a refugee camp etc.

Icy - if I had been working around 4 children over the last 14 years, I might have earned 60k full time, or less obviously part-time.

DH is an entrepreneur and financially, as well as practically, it was in the interests of the whole family to let him focus on what he was doing. He would probably have been successful anyway if I had not been providing the support at home, but it definitely would have taken him longer to get to where he is today if he had had to take days off / work shorter hours / not travel as much, etc due to the fact that we have 4 DC.

He has a will and I know exactly where I stand in the case of a divorce. The children each have individual funds to secure their education and beyond. DH has created over 500 real jobs in the UK, from graduate level to MD level over the last 14 years and this year alone will be paying at least £12 million in tax in the U.K. I don't think either of us have been f-ing ignorant.

My friend is a divorce barrister. She said she'd walk hot coals to stay working, even if it didn't pay in the early years. She's seen far to many horror stories to give up her independence.

However, until employers are realistic about working families, we will find women sacrifice themselves for the sake of theirs kids. I would have done, but was lucky enough to be able to work the hours to suit me. It is women after divorce that end up in poverty. I think women (mainly) are made vulnerable by modern life.

luciana hardly a tale of everyday life.

Don't - no, you're absolutely right, but I do know plenty of people for whom this kind of scenario has played out, to a greater or lesser extent. If it works it can benefit everyone.
Regardless of this there is no right or wrong. Whatever works for your family is a valid choice.

This is a really interesting thread.

Mumsnetter's often talk about being a SAHM as a luxury but it seems a lot of people are in that position because they can't afford childcare- which is what I suspected.

Me and DH both work part time so equivalent to one wage. We considered having someone go back to work full time but we would be no better off.
Our income would be the same but more unstable because we would be heavily reliant on tax credits to cover the necessary childcare. That's another thing you don't hear about very often- the fact that as a working family you can end up costing the state more in benefits!

Also I love that we are talking in actual figures rather than euphemisms like "struggling" or "comfortable" that mean different thing to different people. In that spirit- we earn £36,000 between the two of us and one of us is always home with the kids except for on Wednesday which is the only day we both work.

I think answers to this question will be all different! Also there are SAHMs who have high earning husbands and others who don't earn much/can't afford childcare/want to stay home so much that they are content to struggle.
DP earns 27k plus bits from freelance work, we do okay but not many treats. Mortgage is £240 so that's never a worry. Some with a much better lifestyle would call us lucky but we have had to make sacrifices.

We are financially secure, thanks. Mortgage paid in full several years ago and 12k savings in the bank. Helped no doubt by our careful budgeting and relatively low cost lifestyle.

I really don't know why you're so invested, icy. You make your choices and live your life, and I'll make my choices and live my life. ATEOTD it's sod all to do with anyone else.

Perhaps I've been over educated... I've never seen staying at home as being remotely aspirational, husband paying £12m in tax or not. Went to an all girls school where education and career was front and centre.

Haven't had to rely on anyone else for money since I was 16, and don't intend to start now.

Baby due in June and will absolutely be returning to work. Like the divorce barrister, I'd sooner walk over hot coals than give up my independence and limit my own earning capacity to be a housewife.

Hang on, you haven't even had your baby yet??! You have no idea what motherhood is like or how it may make you feel. I intended to go back to work after having my first. As it turned out I'd sooner have "walked over hot coals" than leave her to be raised by a stranger.

As for being "over-educated" - do me a favour. I was also educated at a girls school and went to one of the best universities in the country. Your level of education is not the deciding factor in how you decide to raise your children.

175k..and we are comfortable but not rolling in it. Depends on outgoings and mortgage size..

As a few PPs have said, the salary is kind of irrelevant if you don't know what that outgoing are. One family could have huge monthly payments for mortgage/rent, car loan, cc payments, school fees, child maintenance for family from previous relationship, lengthy commute to work, expensive hobbies such as 4 horses in livery, daily cleaner and gardener. Another family could have none of the above - home and car owned outright, no sch fees, no debts, walk to work locally, cheap hobbies, no domestic help.

Yes, quite Icy. Reductionist. Reductionist to say we have this massive salary but we spend a lot so we feel the pinch.

"Perhaps I've been over educated"

Personally Icy, I don't derive my self-worth from how much money I make or career standing. I am not even British and was born into what many would consider poverty. I have an MA - so what? You fool yourself if you think everyone has to fall into that mindset. I love my kids, my husband and above all we are healthy and happy. When I'm on my deathbed these are the things I will be reflecting on, not the fact that I got to x point in the career ladder, or whatever degree.
People are driven by different things. But if that's what floats your boat, good luck!

Hear hear Luciana.

I love it when people without kids come on here and tell us how they're going to do things when they have kids.

DH earns about £42k, soon to drop to £40k when he starts a new job. He earns nowhere near as much as his friends, but is home a lot earlier and has a lower stress job, which we both prefer. I earn about 20k working pt 3 days a week, in a job I like with really good hours. We are in London.

We could probably manage on his salary, but things would be tighter than either of us are comfortable with, plus I have a professional job that would be very difficult to return to after years out (and impossible to my current level). It's also reassuring that he's not the sole breadwinner. A few of our friends where there is one SAHP have had some scary times recently with threat of redundancy, and would be truly screwed if their OH lost their job. There's also the consideration of maintaining my pension and our financial comfort in the future, and maintaining my earning potential should (heaven forbid!) we split up or something happens to him. But those are our priorities, and everyone else's will be different. If I'm honest, I would like to stay at home for 3-4 years now until DC are both in school, but those few years out would have such a massive impact on our future financially I just can't justify it.

"Perhaps I've been over educated"

I have an MSc, and pre DC I worked for over a decade in a related industry, studied exams and gained further professional qualifications.

I didn't expect to be made redundant, and starting looking for work as soon as my sector was put at risk (the week I returned after having DC2 ). Found that average full time pay for similar jobs was less than I was currently getting part time. (After DC1 I negotiated part time hours and worked 30 hours over 5 days so didn't need to pay for wraparound childcare).

Pro rata at that point I was earning about the same as DH. He works 3 shift (week of days, week of lates, week of nights) with extra mandatory shifts called at the weekend with 2/3 days notice. I'm finding it near impossible to find a job that fits round that and will pay for the wraparound childcare I will need, because the work I can do is almost never available as a part time job. I'm also looking for admin/schools type work too, but they're like hens teeth. I would retrain but not sure we can afford it. Have looked at apprenticeships but the pay wouldn't touch the childcare costs, and with a Masters degree/nearing 40 my understanding is that I wouldn't be eligible for many.

My mental health is suffering from being at home if I'm honest, and I'm becoming slightly obsessed with the running of the house. We have lots of family and friends nearby but almost none of them are SAHPs so I find the days lonely, and the weekends that DH works long. He takes our only car, and I could drop him off but would mean everyone being up at 5am at the latest.

I agree with the principle of retaining financial independence, but I'm not sure how to achieve it. I've said to DH I worry about how vulnerable I feel now, although he's never given me any reason to.

This isn't the life I imagined, but like most of us, I'm trying to make the best of it for all the family.

Holy moly, what are me and my husband doing wrong?! Sheesh!