to refuse PILs invitation?

[ginghamstarfish]

PILs are retired, and live about 2 hrs away via unlit, narrow and crappy rural roads (which can be scary in ice/snow/rain). We stayed 2 nights at Christmas, as usual, which I go along with for DH's sake. I hate staying there, always come home constipated (long story) which takes a few days to resolve, can't sleep well in the very hard single beds, and get backache. I am also disabled so 2 hours in a car is not great for me. Let me say I would attend this meal if we didn't have to stay overnight. (The drive home is not something you want to do in the dark, and it's quite stressful as the roads are so awful. There is no real alternative route unless you go another 50 miles or so on similar roads.) Whenever we stay there, after a brief conversation - DH skypes them twice a week so they know all our news - PIL puts the TV on to whatever he fancies, sport, news, whatever, at deafening levels, and we all sit there in a semi-circle around the TV. I don't think he'd notice if we got up and left TBH, and I find it rude. If anyone talks he turns up the volume. I usually excuse myself then and go to the bedroom and read until bedtime. I always wonder why I'm there at all. DH of course thinks they can do no wrong and sits there deafened and bored stiff pretending to be interested. He won't say anything about it, as I would have been able to with my dear dad. I think that if someone takes gives up several days and drives hours to visit you, you make some effort to engage with them, or at least not be so selfish.
Anyhow, they have a big wedding anniversary in February and have issued an invitation to a dinner they have arranged with their retired friends who live nearby. This dinner is midweek, evening, and means DH would have to take 2 days off work to go, being the only one in the party who goes out to work. I said he should refuse, giving an excuse, and told him I will not go. He said he 'felt obliged', as his only sibling lives abroad. If it was so important to PILs that he is there, (it doesn't really matter if I'm there!), then shouldn't they have arranged it for a weekend at least? Or a lunch instead of dinner? I think I am old enough to be able to refuse, but unfortunately, my DH takes an 'invitation' from them more as a command. Who is being unreasonable?

Totally get where you're coming from op. I'm chronically ill. I decided a long time ago I don't want to be considered disabled because with ME my symptoms go up and down and I've heard horror stories. People not in the situation don't understand. Mattresses, food, room temperature and quilts are all very important to me. And if the people don't get it, they think you're being precious. I'm not. I'm choosing to look after myself so my health doesn't dramatically deteriorate. I went away to my cousins for Xmas. The car was rammed with stuff for me. Including a fan heater as they don't heat their house that well. TBH I can thoroughly understand why you don't want to go back. You don't even have the pay off of nice company as I did with my cousin. I'm not looking forward to going to fils house in France at half term. Rather the same scenario as you there. I actually bought a quilt and pillows for the bedroom and took him to the shops and he paid for a new mattress for both beds as they were in a bad way.

228a - you were right first time, it's bear it😄

Yes, of course as good hosts your in-laws should provide a blanket, a decent amount of food and the stuff you need for breakfast. But they're clearly not going to, so the point is that you either say you will never go there again or plan ahead by taking extra food, blankets, and books, iPad, crochet, earplugs etc to while away the TV time. Or, of course, compromise - cut down on visits but take steps to ensure your comfort when you do go there.

Sorry yabu - sounds like both my parents and PIL especially the TV thing. But they are elderly and it's a couple of days occasionally how could I not suck it up. I don't see how any kind DS or DIL could/would miss a special anniversary - it's just the right thing to do.

"If we dare to take a second biscuit etc when offered at 'teatime' then they smirk at each other and make snidey comments about being greedy."
Smirking and snideness? Nope, I would not be going there.

Life's too short. Hope this thread has given you the strength to make the decision that you've been wanting to do for some time.

ginghamstarfish they sound really inhospitable. My brother has back issues and when he stays, we always do our best to make him comfortable. Sleeping on a hard bed if you are disabled can be awful and affect you for ages afterwards. You have been visiting all this time and they make no effort to accommodate you, that makes them pretty awful hosts imo.

No one should put up with this at all from anybody let alone any relations who are inhospitable, mean to a fault and rude to say the very least. OPs inlaws are not likeable for very good reason. What her FIL says goes in that house and their son just goes along with them out of his own fear, obligation and guilt thus leaving his wife constipated and sore.

I note without surprise that his sibling is now abroad; that person is not going to their anniversary dinner is he/she.

Fuck that shit. OP, I would not visit them again. If your DH wishes to continue to act like his father is the boss of him, then that is his decision. Let him go by himself. He needs to grow a pair and start standing up for himself. I also would no longer entertain him giving out about the visit - ie being hungry, uncomfortable in the bed, being ignored, etc until he is willing to actually DO something about it.

Perhaps say to dh that when pils are prepared to be welcoming, by providing you with decent sleeping and eating arrangements, then you are prepared to go. He would rather upset you, than them.

I'm rather confused at the turn this has taken.

The PILs sound like rather set in their ways elderly people. At my parents the bedding is not the best - I'm rather reluctant to sleep there since DM advocated not changing sheets between guests as a handy time saving tip - and the food comes in tiny senior sized portions. We just bring extra food and stay over very rarely.

But it also seems like her absence would be a welcome relief to both the OP and her PILs.

I still don't see how an evening meal with a two hour drive necessitates two full days off work and its up to the OP's DH to decide if he goes or not.

Who said they were elderly? Retired doesn't mean elderly.

They don't sound hospitable, regardless. And on top of that, they mock their guests as being 'greedy' for needing more food to sustain them, when they're not ignoring them by watching television with the volume turned up. No way would I put up with that.

And a 2 hour drive for a meal mid-week isn't reasonable or easy. It's tiring, especially on dark roads for anyone whose eyes are getting older.

I still say I wouldn't go, OP. They don't sound like they've ever welcomed you, tbh, and I can relate to that. My inlaws still don't quite get what I do/don't eat after many years, for things as basic as coffee. I have never drunk coffee in my life, blatantly obvious and they've been told, yet am still asked if I want coffee every bloody evening we're with them or vv.

The older relatives being mean with food is the complete opposite to my family and any inlaws I've had. Maybe it's because they are from the north of England or Scotland but they always over cater and do puddings. My dad eats small portions left to his own devices but my sibs and I just take over the kitchen if staying with him.
My now dead grandmother would never let any of us in her kitchen but believed in fully stuffing everyone.
I find it odd your husband doesn't just tell them they don't cook enough for younger active people and tell his mum he's peeling extra veg and spuds or something.
On this occasion you will be there 1 night max. The food is at a restaurant so you can eat what you want and the TV won't be on as you'll be out. Take some muesli or whatever you fancy for breakfast, take a blanket or duvet to sleep on/under.
The midweek thing still sounds odd though.

But everything the OP has put in that last post is very subjective.... I mean

I'm amazed that you think it's fine for someone to summon relatives to stay at their home
"summon" - most of us would use the word "invite" - or, to be perfectly honest, when you are talking about a couple's dc, then they don't even need an invitation. My home will always be my dcs' home.

If the OP knows she has some issue with controling her body temperature, and that the PiLs don't have any blankets, then I would expect the OP to take on with her (or her own favourite quilt or whatever will suit) - why would you keep being uncomfortable on repeat visits, when there is such an easy solution ???

Same with breakfast - I just don't see it as an issue. I'm a bit of a fusspot when it comes to my breakfast - I just take mine with me - enough for the days I'm staying (as I have it in anyway) and whip it out at breakfast time saying "I hope you don't mind, I'm a bit of a fussy bugger" - nobody has minded or started a thread about me on MN yet.

All I'm reading is every little molehill seems to be turned into a mountain by OP, and generally, as it is her posting, you'd expect to see a bias from her side, not against herself.

But family do watch tv together, it's a completely normal thing to do within family. Of course, you don't do it with guests, because guests aren't family. It's a thing that is more to do with comfortable together, relaxing, just being together. If you were to take it like that, it's a massive compliment to you.

No, I wouldn't expect them to buy a blanket just for you. Or special cereal either. I would expect you to bring your own, as you do. How are they expected to make choice from the bewildering array of mueslis on the shelves to ensure it's the right one for you? And what are they supposed to do with what's left of it when you've gone? Keep it until your next visit? How on earth are they supposed to keep it fresh for you?

And your fil is becoming deaf. As with so many, he doesn't want to believe it, so he prefers to think that the tv soundtrack is muffled, badly recorded or mixed or transmitted or something, and that he has to turn it up, no one could make sense of such awful sound. My gm did the same. My mum was infuriated by the refusal to admit that she needed a hearing aid, but then did the same in her turn! I am hoping I shall be more sensible.

You sound like quite hard work.

Thanks all for your comments. On balance it seems that I am not being unreasonable! To those who think I'm fussy/hard work, well, I believe there is such a thing as basic hospitality, that is, making guests comfortable and welcome, particularly when they are there only because YOU want them to be. Nowadays I know that I still have to take blankets, cereal with me, and will spend most of the time in the bedroom reading, but am amazed that this makes ME 'hard work'. Thanks again for the opinions, and I think this topic's done!