to refuse PILs invitation?

[ginghamstarfish]

PILs are retired, and live about 2 hrs away via unlit, narrow and crappy rural roads (which can be scary in ice/snow/rain). We stayed 2 nights at Christmas, as usual, which I go along with for DH's sake. I hate staying there, always come home constipated (long story) which takes a few days to resolve, can't sleep well in the very hard single beds, and get backache. I am also disabled so 2 hours in a car is not great for me. Let me say I would attend this meal if we didn't have to stay overnight. (The drive home is not something you want to do in the dark, and it's quite stressful as the roads are so awful. There is no real alternative route unless you go another 50 miles or so on similar roads.) Whenever we stay there, after a brief conversation - DH skypes them twice a week so they know all our news - PIL puts the TV on to whatever he fancies, sport, news, whatever, at deafening levels, and we all sit there in a semi-circle around the TV. I don't think he'd notice if we got up and left TBH, and I find it rude. If anyone talks he turns up the volume. I usually excuse myself then and go to the bedroom and read until bedtime. I always wonder why I'm there at all. DH of course thinks they can do no wrong and sits there deafened and bored stiff pretending to be interested. He won't say anything about it, as I would have been able to with my dear dad. I think that if someone takes gives up several days and drives hours to visit you, you make some effort to engage with them, or at least not be so selfish.
Anyhow, they have a big wedding anniversary in February and have issued an invitation to a dinner they have arranged with their retired friends who live nearby. This dinner is midweek, evening, and means DH would have to take 2 days off work to go, being the only one in the party who goes out to work. I said he should refuse, giving an excuse, and told him I will not go. He said he 'felt obliged', as his only sibling lives abroad. If it was so important to PILs that he is there, (it doesn't really matter if I'm there!), then shouldn't they have arranged it for a weekend at least? Or a lunch instead of dinner? I think I am old enough to be able to refuse, but unfortunately, my DH takes an 'invitation' from them more as a command. Who is being unreasonable?

Op don't go if you don't want to, but don't stop him going to his parents anniversary meal, honestly they are his parents, maybe the reason he doesn't kick of is because he doesn't agree with you and doesn't want to upset him.
Does your dp support you in seeing your family? It's give and take

I don't think it's reasonable to both insist that a celebration is a really big deal, and to have it midweek. It isn't fair to put people in a position where they're obliged to take time off work to attend, or to be offended if they say they can't do that.

white toast and cornflakes can play havoc with the digestion if, say you have a condition that means the intestines are temperamental and need careful handling. 10-15 portions of fucking fruit and veg per day lots and lots of wholegrains and fibre or nasty meds and pain.

oh and a couple of weeks to recover to normal function if you do not adhere to the correct diet.

the bed thing (too hard) can also play havoc joint pain. a couple of nights on the wrong sort of bed and I am in pain/discomfort for a week or so.

namechanged. I can but assume you have no food allergies or intolerances.

Susan - if that's how it is and OP's diet is as delicate and sensitive as that then she should expect to have to take care of it herself so as not to take any chances. Wherever she goes.

mummy no I don't have any intolerances or allergies but neither does the OP. She wants more fibre - so takes muesli rather than accept cornflakes or toast. Not really s life and death situation is it? And its 1 or 2 meals!!!! Yes, if she (or anyone else) had an allergy that's different but that's not what she said. Please read the thread.

If the roads are so terrible, how are the other guests going to get home after the dinner?

I really don't see why he can't just take a half day and drive down for the dinner and then home afterwards, or if really that bad then leave at six and arrive at work for nine.

It's an inconvenience and an annoyance but manageable

This sounds like they live on Witch Mountain or in Dracula's castle or something. Let him go. You stay home. Think about repeating this pattern for future visits.

I do think there's room to compromise and also just serenely put your own arrangements in place. Take granola bars and eat them in your room, for instance. Take a mattress topper but say with a big smile you've been ordered to by your doctor. MN on your phone, possibly wearing headphones playing calming music, while their TV blasts loudly. If they vthink that's rude, they'll at least have to break the silence to tell you so. You can then assure them that you wouldn't dream of interrupting them enjoying their programme, and carry on

To reply to some of the points raised - the other guests are PILs best friends, 2 couples and all live in walking distance of each other, all retired. So it is surely possible to arrange this meal for a time which will suit the only person who works for a living AND has to drive so far to attend? I will stress again, if it was at weekend, say a lunch, I would be fine with us going.
As stated in my previous posts it is not a journey you want to make at night, and even if it was two hours on a motorway it doesn't change the fact that it's still inconsiderate planning.
Thanks to those who get the breakfast thing - yes it's not life or death but being able to have ONE meal that is healthy, chosen by me, and of sufficient quantity, is one thing at least that I can control. I have mild IBS.
I don't have any family so DH does not have to reciprocate these visits.

namechange. I did read the thread. I really don't get your comment. Op is disabled, has issues with certain foods. Most people with IBS have food intolerances. So I stand by what I said.

Is there any reason why you can't ease the pain of hours sitting round the TV by getting a book out and reading whilst they watch? Maybe using earplugs as well?

I think your dh and you are being drama lamas about the drive. 2 hours isn't that bad even on lanes.

Pils sound inconsiderate, could you suggest lunch instead?

I can understand why you pils want to celebrate their anniversary on the actual day and I think,your husband should go. These events don't come along everyday. If he's happy to drive and stay there, what's the issue.

Incidently, your visit to the inlaws sounds a little like my visits to my parents. Not the most interesting trips away, but something you have to grin and bear.

Bare, not bear!

Mummy - she said she has sometimes taken breakfast (so its not such an issue that she has to take her own meals) and that she likes to have a healthy breakfast (not needs a healthy meal) then later clarified that as mild IBS. That's neither an intolerance nor an allergy.

I must confess that I've often thought our 'visits' (commanded by FIL) are partly to 'show off' to their friends and neighbours, given the seeming complete lack of interest in us once we're actually there. FIL is a boastful man and it could be a competitive 'look how often my son wants to come and see me' thing. This invitation is an extension of that - ' look how important I am, my son has taken two days off work to come for this dinner' ... I would not say this to DH though. Anyhow I am definitely not going, but I think DH will go. We haven't spoken about it for a few days as it's a touchy subject. I said I thought the timing inconsiderate for him, that it was an invitation and not a summons, and that I would have gone if it was a lunch and we could do it without overnight stay, and then he skyped his parents and I have not asked the outcome.

I get the issue with IBS and needing to eat/avoid certain foods - my IBS is a big joke on me with the IL's (ironically MIL now has diverticular issues due to her poor diet).

Stay at home, enjoy your fav food and telly programmes and enjoy your nice comfy bed

Stella

re your comment:-

Op don't go if you don't want to, but don't stop him going to his parents anniversary meal, honestly they are his parents, maybe the reason he doesn't kick of is because he doesn't agree with you and doesn't want to upset him.

He does not want to upset his parents, particularly his dad because his dad is a difficult man. Unfortunately what OPs DH fails to realise here is that his own inertia hurts him as much as it does the OP.

"Does your dp support you in seeing your family? It's give and take"
OP has no family. You would have seen that had you read all OPs responses.

YANBU but I think you are doing the right thing pointing out to DH that they are being inconsiderate, but then standing back and letting him get on with it.

Fucking hell, such drama. Taking a blanket is perfectly normal. Eat the cereal and then have a cereal bar/fibre bar. Get a book out when the TV goes on. 2 hours is not a particularly long drive, and there aren't many roads I won't drive on in the dark, so that is a little ridiculous. It sounds like you don't like his parents, and don't want him to like them too. If he is happy in his relationship with them, what's the problem?

Would you two be happy to take two days off work though, when it they could easily make it more convenient for DH? That's not over reacting.

witsender and NavyandWhite While of course I don't expect everyone to agree with me, I'm amazed that you think it's fine for someone to summon relatives to stay at their home (for over 15 sodding years now) yet NEVER do the smallest thing out of their ordinary routine/habits to make them comfortable. I have asked for a blanket on several visits, saying that the quilt was too big and hot for me. I was told they had none. I slept with dressing gowns over me. I naively assumed that after a few times of asking they might possibly BUY a blanket. DH is also too hot but he will not say anything - yes, his problem. We are both starving when we get home as they serve very small portions. If we dare to take a second biscuit etc when offered at 'teatime' then they smirk at each other and make snidey comments about being greedy. Also when I refuse the toast/cornflakes on offer at every single visit, and go and get my little bag of muesli/porridge and banana or apple etc, would you not assume that the hosts might be arsed, after 15 years of this, for your next visit to provide a banana/apple/packet of muesli? I'm astonished that this can be thought unreasonable. I don't really understand how someone can get to that age and be so utterly oblivious to the fact that not every human being is not exactly like them. They have lived in different countries and always had an active social life, which makes it even harder to fathom. They want to watch TV all the time we're there? Fine, their house, they can do what they want, but I do object to being made to be there too. If TV is more important than your guests, then don't sodding well insist that they come. Might as well all stay at home and skype for 10 minutes, that's about as much conversation as happens during a weekend visit. The more I write about this the more I think I will not go there again!