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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse PILs invitation?

116 replies

ginghamstarfish · 16/01/2017 15:16

PILs are retired, and live about 2 hrs away via unlit, narrow and crappy rural roads (which can be scary in ice/snow/rain). We stayed 2 nights at Christmas, as usual, which I go along with for DH's sake. I hate staying there, always come home constipated (long story) which takes a few days to resolve, can't sleep well in the very hard single beds, and get backache. I am also disabled so 2 hours in a car is not great for me. Let me say I would attend this meal if we didn't have to stay overnight. (The drive home is not something you want to do in the dark, and it's quite stressful as the roads are so awful. There is no real alternative route unless you go another 50 miles or so on similar roads.) Whenever we stay there, after a brief conversation - DH skypes them twice a week so they know all our news - PIL puts the TV on to whatever he fancies, sport, news, whatever, at deafening levels, and we all sit there in a semi-circle around the TV. I don't think he'd notice if we got up and left TBH, and I find it rude. If anyone talks he turns up the volume. I usually excuse myself then and go to the bedroom and read until bedtime. I always wonder why I'm there at all. DH of course thinks they can do no wrong and sits there deafened and bored stiff pretending to be interested. He won't say anything about it, as I would have been able to with my dear dad. I think that if someone takes gives up several days and drives hours to visit you, you make some effort to engage with them, or at least not be so selfish.
Anyhow, they have a big wedding anniversary in February and have issued an invitation to a dinner they have arranged with their retired friends who live nearby. This dinner is midweek, evening, and means DH would have to take 2 days off work to go, being the only one in the party who goes out to work. I said he should refuse, giving an excuse, and told him I will not go. He said he 'felt obliged', as his only sibling lives abroad. If it was so important to PILs that he is there, (it doesn't really matter if I'm there!), then shouldn't they have arranged it for a weekend at least? Or a lunch instead of dinner? I think I am old enough to be able to refuse, but unfortunately, my DH takes an 'invitation' from them more as a command. Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 16/01/2017 17:24

You take your own breakfast because you don't want toast or cornflakes for one day?

rookiemere · 16/01/2017 17:27

Exactly what backforgood says re the timings.

Why does your DH need to take any time at all off work?

He leaves work at normal time, or a bit earlier if possible having gone in a bit earlier, arrives at theirs for 7pm ish. Leaves the next morning at work at 6.30am which is perfectly doable and gets into work before 9.

Agree he should say no and celebrate it at a different time instead, but given that he's not going to do that I can't see what's so hard about the above solution.

dollydaydream114 · 16/01/2017 17:29

Personally, I think if the dinner is their golden or ruby wedding anniversary you should go, and I think you're overreacting about the difficulty of the journey and about their behaviour while you're there.

It's pretty normal for parents to want their kids there to celebrate a big anniversary, surely? And it's a dinner they've arranged, so you won't be sitting watching television, will you?

If you really can't bear to go, then DH can go on his own, can't he? It's not up to you to decide whether he sees his parents for a celebratory dinner - it's his choice.

The way you say 'of course DH thinks they can do no wrong' is really sneery - they are, after all, his parents. Of course he's going to cut them slack; they're his mum and dad and he loves them. But you seem determined that he doesn't see them, which is a bit divisive and selfish.

Original poster
ginghamstarfish · 16/01/2017 17:29

Hissy it's just their family dynamic. FIL's always been the dominant person, mum and offspring do what he says, and it's just normal to them. DH is not going to change now at his age! I'm the outsider so I see it all as weird and uncomfortable, but to him that's just his family. My parents are deceased, DH never even met my mum, so he never gets to see a different kind of family visit interaction. DH is so lovely in every other way so I have tried to go along with these visits for his sake, realising the PILs may not be around much longer. It's just that this is a new low and has really annoyed me!

OP posts:
Original poster
ginghamstarfish · 16/01/2017 17:35

The roads really are that bad. If you have ever driven up over the hills in Cumbria, Scotland, Wales etc, imagine that, with many many potholes, zig-zag bends and sheer drops along the way, with no habitation or streetlights anywhere, and being so high up that you get snow/ice/fog which doesn't exist lower down. These roads are fairly little used and on a two hour journey you might see a dozen other vehicles. A route with slightly better roads would add another 50 miles.

OP posts:
quirkychick · 16/01/2017 17:35

What Hissy said, you are being made to feel unwelcome by having to smuggle in blankets or a suitable breakfast. You are disabled ffs, if they won't be happy with a b&b then you need a comfortable bed and reasonable food! Your dh would rather you were uncomfortable and constipated than his parents were upset. Yes, he is in FOG but it's not great, is it.

namechangedtoday15 · 16/01/2017 17:37

I think you're just putting obstacles in the way. There is no way that the 2 hour journey is across bridges and fords and down lanes. Yes, perhaps the last part of it is, but surely if your DH is of an age where he can drive, its do-able as a one-off.

You obviously don't like the PILs. About 12 years ago I had a major falling out with my MIL and it put my H is a really difficult position. Of course you want to say pull on your big boy pants and get him to tell it how you see it. But is an anniversary dinner worth causing issues in your marriage? I have learned over the years that my MIL is my H's mother - I come from a completely different family than hers but we both love my H albeit in different ways. Think of your H, let him get on with what he chooses to do without creating reasons (which I assume you communicate to him) as to why its difficult - in your opinion.

Original poster
ginghamstarfish · 16/01/2017 17:38

dollydaydream114 I'm not being sneery to say that. Of course we think that about our own parents. However, if the shoe was on the other foot, and my dad was still alive - if we went to visit him and he cut off the conversation by putting on loud TV, I would be able to say something about it and it would not mean I loved him any less. It would be bad manners and inconsiderate, no matter who is doing it.

OP posts:
unfortunateevents · 16/01/2017 17:40

Is the dinner at their house?

Original poster
ginghamstarfish · 16/01/2017 17:51

PotteringAlong -You take your own breakfast because you don't want toast or cornflakes for one day?
Yes, when we've stayed more than one night. I like a healthy breakfast of muesli/granola, flax, nuts etc, and need sufficient fibre for health reasons, and so yes I have taken it with me, to their great disapproval (although when the daughter visits annually she supplies a list of her preferred foods which are duly bought in beforehand). We are also usually hungry while there as PILs serve very small portions and anything more is strictly frowned upon as 'greedy'. The whole point is, people can live however they like, do and eat whatever, but if they insist that others visit them then for fuck's sake they could BE ACCOMMODATING! Can you imagine having fairly regular visits from someone who has asked you for blankets as the quilt is too hot, or who takes their own breakfast, and not putting a little tiny bit of thought into this???? Buy a fucking blanket, keep a box of muesli in the cupboard!

OP posts:
2rebecca · 16/01/2017 18:00

Having a special anniversary dinner midweek sounds bizarre to me if you expect family members who live 2 hours away to attend. All our extended family special anniversary dinners have took place on Saturday nights to allow people to travel and so children can attend.

Jaxhog · 16/01/2017 18:01

As some have already said YANBU to not go, YABU to stop your DH from going. If being without transport is a problem, buddy with a friend while he's away.

I didn't get on with my MiL. So my DH used to visit her on his own. We all preferred it that way.

sonjadog · 16/01/2017 18:06

If the roads are that bad, then he can drive the extra hour on the good roads for a one off. Or he can leave work at lunch time, be there late afternoon and then drive back the next morning.

It is a special occasion for his parents and if they want him there, then he should make the effort. You don´t have to go if you don´t want to but I think you should let him make up his own mind.

Nanny0gg · 16/01/2017 18:18

What is it with the older generation and TV? I wouldn't dream of putting it on in front of guests

Um. As a member of the 'older generation' I am horrified by the fact that every 'younger person's' house I go to ^always' has the TV on.

That is not the case in my home.

Fewer sweeping generalisations eh?

And if you don't want to go then don't. But you can't stop your DH.

pictish · 16/01/2017 19:20

I don't think your pils can do a single thing right for you, can they?

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/01/2017 19:35

I get it about the comfort thing op. Not everyone will. I have chronic pain and chronic fatigue. Unless and until these people have ill health or pain, they just won't get your issues. I take my food, my pillow and my quilt when I go away. I tell people this is what I intend to do and thus far no comment has been made by family members. My cousin really doesn't get comfort and health. Dh, dd and I stayed there at Xmas. The bed was appallingly and I had to have the areas, which ceased up as a result worked on. Two very painful massages later, I'm doing better now but it's not truly fixed. It's not malicious, just real ignorance.

AmserGwin · 16/01/2017 19:40

Could you get a memory foam mattress topper and take that with you? I've seen them in B*@M* for about £25.

AmserGwin · 16/01/2017 19:41

Oops just seen this has already been mentioned, just do it and say you have a sore back. You can sneak it in from the car while they all watch to?

AmserGwin · 16/01/2017 19:41

To

AmserGwin · 16/01/2017 19:42

Ffs TV bloody spellchecker

Magtheridon · 16/01/2017 19:51

I don't think inconveniencing yourself for one day when you can easily re-arrange - for your husbands family, is a big deal.

It's 2 hours - not an 8 hour drive.

To be honest, i don't think you even need to stay over night for a 2 hour drive - aslong as you're not drinking.

It's nice to put some effort in to see family and as you're married - his family is yours?. You haven't actually said they do anything that bad - other than put the tv on loudly and you already handle that by going and reading and leaving your husband to stay in the living room to enjoy family time with his parents.

I also disagree to it being selfish for having it in the middle of the week. I think some of you think the world revolves around you lol. If that's there actual anniversary date then why would they want to celebrate it on a different day - if it's a big anniversary?. Life is never stress or worry free completely and we're always going to have to find a balance in our life.

Personally if you feel so strongly against them, then i'd just let him go on his own and enjoy family time - celebrating his parents big anniversary and you just have a night to yourself. But it does look rude IMO as it's not just a random get together.

namechangedtoday15 · 16/01/2017 19:58

You take your own breakfast?! And you're always hungry? Honestly, and I don't mean to be rude, its about manners as a guest. You don't have to love it but its what, once or twice a year?! You go, you're polite, you eat what you're offered and you're gracious about it. I can't imagine how awkward this is for your husband and actually, if you've behaved like this they will know that you don't like them and perhaps that's why they've organised the dinner midweek - so chances are you don't go and belittle their celebrations.

You have let your personal dislike of them colour your views on what is and what isn't acceptable behaviour both from their point of view and from yours.

fuzzywuzzy · 16/01/2017 20:07

Op says the roads are unlit and scary so leaving before nightfall and driving home wouldn't be feasible in winter, sun sets at around 4:20 it would be dark by the time op and her DH are going home.

Op has said she has health problems and needs to eat specific foods for her health. I don't think she is rude taking her own breakfast. It's rude not feeding guests.

FixItUpChappie · 16/01/2017 20:13

Doesn't sound like you're very nice to your ILs.

I don't know where you are getting this - the PIL sound utterly rude and self-absorbed but I agree it's her DH that is the biggest problem. He may be so very nice but it's not actually very nice to disregard your partners feelings ongoing is it? I disagree to that his vacation has no affect on the OP - of course it does, most families try to organize time off together for holidays etc. That said I'd leave him to it - no one else is willing to compromise, why should OP be the only one doing so?

pictish · 16/01/2017 20:16

"Can you imagine having fairly regular visits from someone who has asked you for blankets as the quilt is too hot, or who takes their own breakfast, and not putting a little tiny bit of thought into this????"

Yes...and my thought would be...what a bloody moan she is.