to refuse PILs invitation?

[ginghamstarfish]

PILs are retired, and live about 2 hrs away via unlit, narrow and crappy rural roads (which can be scary in ice/snow/rain). We stayed 2 nights at Christmas, as usual, which I go along with for DH's sake. I hate staying there, always come home constipated (long story) which takes a few days to resolve, can't sleep well in the very hard single beds, and get backache. I am also disabled so 2 hours in a car is not great for me. Let me say I would attend this meal if we didn't have to stay overnight. (The drive home is not something you want to do in the dark, and it's quite stressful as the roads are so awful. There is no real alternative route unless you go another 50 miles or so on similar roads.) Whenever we stay there, after a brief conversation - DH skypes them twice a week so they know all our news - PIL puts the TV on to whatever he fancies, sport, news, whatever, at deafening levels, and we all sit there in a semi-circle around the TV. I don't think he'd notice if we got up and left TBH, and I find it rude. If anyone talks he turns up the volume. I usually excuse myself then and go to the bedroom and read until bedtime. I always wonder why I'm there at all. DH of course thinks they can do no wrong and sits there deafened and bored stiff pretending to be interested. He won't say anything about it, as I would have been able to with my dear dad. I think that if someone takes gives up several days and drives hours to visit you, you make some effort to engage with them, or at least not be so selfish.
Anyhow, they have a big wedding anniversary in February and have issued an invitation to a dinner they have arranged with their retired friends who live nearby. This dinner is midweek, evening, and means DH would have to take 2 days off work to go, being the only one in the party who goes out to work. I said he should refuse, giving an excuse, and told him I will not go. He said he 'felt obliged', as his only sibling lives abroad. If it was so important to PILs that he is there, (it doesn't really matter if I'm there!), then shouldn't they have arranged it for a weekend at least? Or a lunch instead of dinner? I think I am old enough to be able to refuse, but unfortunately, my DH takes an 'invitation' from them more as a command. Who is being unreasonable?

And stop going to see them for 2 nights at Christmas as well going forward; sounds bloody awful for you both. Going for his sake is not a good enough reason at all to go there at all. Hard single beds (probably because they not accepting the fact their boy and you are married), constipation and backache do not make at all for a nice time.

Honestly I'd let him go if he wants to go. I can understand his view point that even if its awkward being midweek, he doesn't want to let his parents celebrate it without any of their children being there. I would do it for my parents, you clearly don't like his parents so just plead work and stay home.
To be honest its quiet strange that you have such an issue with this, after all its no skin off your nose and i think it says a lot about him ( in a good way) that he is willing to do this.

"I guess I feel sorry for him having to go and make some excuse about why I'm not going."
Well, maybe it will spark some introspection in him and he'll start asking himself whether he is happy with his interactions with his parents. Whilst you meekly tag along, he can avoid those sorts of questions. It normalises the situation. If you stand firm against going where you are not comfortable (and frankly, not made welcome) then he HAS to acknowledge the abnormality of it all.

What is it with the older generation and TV? I wouldn't dream of putting it on in front of guests. Obviously DH is family to them, and it would be fine if me AND him could say 'actually we aren't interested in that golf/tennis/3 hour film about the war etc so we'll go and read, or go out' and PIL might get the message, but that does not happen. PIL is quite dominant and it seems this is how DH grew up, so I realise it's hard for him to do anything but go along with things at his parents.
Yes, I really don't like going there - it's weird, formal yet like visiting strangers who ignore you once you're there. A 2 night stay feels like weeks to me.
Re DH time off work, his job is in the other direction from home so half days would mean a lot of extra travel/time/petrol.

Gingham

Your DH still acts like a child in front of his parents, he still seeks their approval even now.

re your comment:-
"Yes, I really don't like going there - it's weird, formal yet like visiting strangers who ignore you once you're there".

Know what that is like too; my MIL is the same.

The TV/older generation thing here re his parents is a red herring; your FIL is a dominant man and that is why he behaves as he does re the tv. What he says in that house goes; no dissent is encouraged or tolerated.

There is no rule to state you have to spend any time with difficult relations.

Couldnt he just tell them he can't get the time off work (and suggest they move it to the weekend if they strongly object)?
Maybe your pil's are just inviting you cos they feel obliged and might be pleased if it's just their retired friends (then they can all watch telly to their hearts content)
Would just also like to say that this isn't just an older generation thing. I have a friend I've known since childhood (age 36) - who always has the telly on when people visit and will then sit there commenting on the people on Jeremy Kyle or whatever daytime drivel she's watching.
I don't visit anymore!

We go through this every time his dad issues an 'invitation' to go there. I say that an invitation is something which can be accepted or turned down. Unfortunately DH sees it as non-negotiable, as his dad obviously knows well and takes advantage of. I have gone many times over the years, but have also refused sometimes. I try to reconcile it with DH being such a nice person he doesn't want to 'disappoint' them. I realise it's too late for any changes to happen with their family dynamic but I do resent it causing bad feelings between us.

TBH I'd get a bed for the spare room which suits you for next Christmas and sleep in it. As for the meal, I'd ask your dh to get them to rearrange it if possible. They sound incredibly selfish and your dh is acting like a child, not a grown man. Alternatively, would they buy a decent bed and mattress (which you could choose) for you to stay at their house? Worth asking.

2 days of annual leave wasted on something you'll hate, and that they've organised with complete disregard for whether you can come or not - knowing you're at work during the week?! Hell no! I would NOT be going, like fuck is that unreasonable. It's an anniversary for fuck's sake - something to celebrate with your other half, not something to drag family and friends round for from hours away taking up 2 days of their time. Good grief.

What is it with the older generation and TV? I wouldn't dream of putting it on in front of guests

Dunno. My MIL does it too. So so annoying.

My mum does it with the radio. Also annoying, especially as she turns it on and walks out of the room!

What is it with the older generation and TV? I wouldn't dream of putting it on in front of guests

I'm over sixty and was brought up to turn the tv off when guests arrived. So it is not a generational thing. Frankly I hate it. I'm afraid I started to neglect my PIL when visiting them began to entail watching loud reality shows.

Why does he have to take 2 days leave if its 2 hours away? Presumably if its a dinner it starts at 7? 7.30? He takes some clothes to change into the work, leaves at 5 / 5,30ish or earlier if he can, he gets there for the dinner, makes excuses about 10pm and comes home again? Yes its a pain in the neck evening, but he doesn't need to take leave?!!

i think it says a lot about him ( in a good way) that he is willing to do this

I don't, because it sounds like he is motivated by fear and seeking approval rather than actual love.

He cant exercise his rite to say NO to them, so how is just going along with what they say - good.

A person who chooses, who can say NO but says " On this occasion its important to them and to me to be there so I am going" is different to - " i cant say no, I will feel guilty if I don't go"

OP it sounds like you are stuck with the status quo forever, or at least while your PaiL are alive. DH refuses to make excuses or to man up because of his childhood conditioning . I suspect his sibling lives abroad because he/she cannot tolerate the set up.
You have two options. You can refuse to buy into the situation and limit your visits on account of your disabilities and leave DH to make his own choices.
You can try to make the situation better by insisting on a new bed and/or that they come to yours for Christmas (and watch your tv).
Or maybe get DH some counselling to work through his issues?
Good luck because you are going to need it.

My MIl is the same - pretty much ignores me when there - then goes off to watch TV cutting any after dinner convo dead. ( this is probably why she does it )

Let him take two days off and go if that's what he wants. When he moans inform him that it is an invitation, not a summons and he chose to go.

Dinner with all their retired friends. Sounds a right laugh. Not.

Agree that an anniversary should be about the couple but his dad loves to be centre of attention. I have said to DH they would be fine with their best friends, and he could visit them the following weekend or whatever, but as usual he sees this 'invitation' as a summons.

namechangedtoday15 as I said it's a horrible drive, very rural, on terrible roads (lanes in fact), no lighting, goes high up over hills, across a ford, so bad enough even in good weather. It's one of those drives where you have a headache at the end from concentrating so hard! In the dark it doesn't bear thinking about so even DH will not willingly do it. I'm pissed off because if they had arranged a LUNCH at least instead of dinner, DH could take just one day off (which is bad enough).

YANBU If they have ever worked full time in their lives, they should have an appreciation for how draining it is and how precious annual leave is.

Don't think twice about it. And I am with you on the TV front, I was brought up to actually talk to my guests, I would NEVER have the TV on when someone came around - you can watch TV any time, face to face time with guests is precious.

It drives me mad that my in laws do this - we are sitting their chatting over a cup of tea and they switch the mahoosive flat screen TV on. You can't help but get sucked in by whatever is on, it ruins the conversation. Even worse they have been known to put the TV on in the dining room when we are eating! Never under my roof!!

You sound like you're just putting up roadblocks to everything - the roads can't be THAT bad, can they? Surely other people manage to use them without pile-ups?

Your h could suggest that you both come down and celebrta ehis parent's anniversary the closest weekend, and appeal to their common sense - or he could take time off and go for the actual day.

Doesn't sound like you're very nice to your ILs. And it sounds as though the problem is with your dh - he could say to them the dinner isn't convenient but then offer a solution. He's an adult!

Yanbu to refuse to go

Yabu to try and stop him going if he wants to. You are also being unfair if you try to guilt trip him into not going.

BTW, for future visits why don't you buy a memory foam mattress topper to take with you when you visit. I love mine and sleep soundly regardless of the quality of the mattress.

Yanbu, PIL Are being unreasonable in suggesting something that is so ridiculously inconvenient to anyone except themselves.

Normal people don't do this. The TV thing is rude, the ignoring you is rude, even the single beds is rude tbh, you're married.

It all says UNWELCOME

The more your h tries to win his frankly horrible dads appoval, the least likely he is to get it.

He's more likely to gain some respect if he says "No Dad, sorry but midweek is impossible, let us know a weekend that you're free and we'll meet you for lunch"

There is no need for guilt, none whatsoever.

You need him to stand up for you and for himself a bit more.

BriefExclamations I have actually thought of taking a mattress topper! DH was aghast when I suggested it as it would be too big to be smuggled in (to avoid hurting their feelings) I already take a couple of blankets with me (concealed in my case) as the only bedding is a huge winter quilt, far too hot for me, and they possess no blankets whatsoever- I have asked several times but the hint has not been taken. I have sometimes taken something for breakfast, as I don't want white toast or cornflakes, the only things on offer, which causes the cats-bum face from his mum.

YABU. They have a significant anniversary and I would expect their dc to want to be there. Of course, none of us know how much leave your dh has, how flexible his work are, how much he needs for other things, etc., but In my job I could leave at 4, and drive 2hrs (+ his normal journey as you say it is in opposite direction) and still get there for an early evening meal. My dh has driven 2.5hrs back from taking my ds to university and been in work for 8.45 on more than one occasion.
Up to your dh - but if he wants to it would seem pretty doable. If he doesn't want to then it is up to him to eaplain to his parents how difficult it will be, being midweek, and choose to either tell them he hopes they have a nice time with just friends, or try to persuade them to make it a weekend instead.

What is it with the older generation and TV? I wouldn't dream of putting it on in front of guests

Not sure what you call "older generation". I'm in my 50s and would turn TV off if guests arrived, and I learned that set of manners from my parents who would have been well into their 80s if still with us.

I wouldn't feel obliged to go to a parents' anniversary celebration unless it was a 25/50 (& pay for with siblings)/60 - maybe 40. Presume it is one of those?

Think it was quite selfish of them to arrange it for a midweek evening, if you are expected to be there - so, because of that, YANBU.

The main issue is with your DH though and his blinkered attitude to it all. I agree you can't really stop him going though. Had similar issues with my PIL in the past which DH refused to confront (but could see the issue and was perfectly happy for me to ring and explain why were weren't doing x but would do y instead).

My dad does the TV thing. I never stay at his house though - always stay in a B&B/holiday inn express/premier inn/travelodge instead. Is that an option - for this and future visits?