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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being taken for a mug? Flatmate-related

77 replies

ChickenVindaloo2 · 15/01/2017 17:22

Hi,

I'm 33, live alone in City A (flat with mortgage). I work full-time in a demanding job. I'm earn a good salary now but trying to pay off credit card debt (see separate thread!)

My brother's girlfriend (P) who lives in City B (150 miles away) signed up to do a Postgrad course in my city. Between Sep-Dec she was here 2 nights a week. She is back this week and will now be staying Tuesday night-Friday am every week for the next 10 weeks.

She had originally arranged to stay with a friend of her mum for some tiny level of digs money. But that only lasted a few days back in September (the friend said something nasty to her apparently and would stay up being noisy when P was trying to study/sleep.) So at the request of my brother and my parents I went to get her and let her stay with me instead. I hadn't quite anticipated that it would be for the rest of the academic year. Or that it would turn out to be for 3 nights a week from now on.

Now, P is a lovely girl, quiet, not messy, doesn't eat much. BUT I HATE living with someone else. I need my space when I get home from work and I don't like having to basically have guests every week - I've been shopping, cooking, cleaning for her. She helps, of course, but maybe other loners will understand.

Also my parents feel quite sorry for her as she comes from a very hardworking but poor family. They have told me to tell them how much she "costs" me and they will reimburse. So I told her not to worry about money. But now I sort of feel like an idiot.

I'm having a really hard time at work at the moment and struggling for money following Christmas. I'm also on a diet so maybe this is all making me more grumpy than usual but I feel like as soon as she's gone on Friday, I have the weekend then I have to get ready for her coming back again?!

And yes, I am lovely, friendly, helpful, hospitable when she is here. It just takes a lot of out me. I never even invite people for the weekend and I certainly never stay at other people's houses!

OP posts:
Original poster
ChickenVindaloo2 · 15/01/2017 17:24

My parents are pretty well off but I don't see that it's their bill to foot.
My brother is as tight as a fly's arse and is also in the firing line for redundancy so is trying to save all his money.

I sort of don't mind if she is going to be my sister in law and treats my brother well. It's just that both of us have been fucked over by people in the past so it makes me wary of putting myself out for anyone.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 15/01/2017 17:30

I wouldn't say you're being taken for a mug, because I don't think anyone is intentionally inconveniencing you. She didn't ask to stay, your parents are covering her costs, she is quiet and tidy and helps when she can. It's just that you don't like living with other people and I totally get that.

If you really can't stand it then talk to your brother and parents and get them to talk to P, after all it was them who invited her to stay on your behalf!

I would try and make it work personally, but YANBU if you ask her to go.

NuffSaidSam · 15/01/2017 17:31

RE. your parents paying the bill, that's none of your business. That's between them and P and possibly your brother, but not you (unless you feel your parents are not mentally competent to make their own financial decisions).

SuperFlyHigh · 15/01/2017 17:32

No way. I'd have her out. Your mortgaged fiat you decide who stays!

I've got a lodger in rented room of my mortgage flat but she's an air hostess and not in much, if ever it became untenable I'd ask her to leave.

Original poster
ChickenVindaloo2 · 15/01/2017 17:34

My parents are just asking me to tell them how much it costs me and they will give it to me on the quiet. As in, they don't want me out of pocket but they don't want anyone to ask P for money. No, they are mentally competent.

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 15/01/2017 17:35

Reason I say what I say is she's had time to find somewhere else to live, and not your fault she can't find a quieter place or use earplugs etc. Your brother should be helping her or living with her.

Original poster
ChickenVindaloo2 · 15/01/2017 17:35

I don't really want to ask my parents for money! any more

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 15/01/2017 17:36

But OP its inconveniencing you so any amount of money won't make up for that. You did it as a favour she's sticking around unwanted.

SuperFlyHigh · 15/01/2017 17:37

You should have made it clear from the start it was a temporary measure.

Original poster
ChickenVindaloo2 · 15/01/2017 17:39

Yes. And my parents sympathise because they know I hate people. But they don't live in the right area to be able to help.

I want to be the good person but boy it's hard when it's in your own home and for weeks!

I thought being single and childfree would mean I could have all the space and peace and quiet I need to function

OP posts:
coconutpie · 15/01/2017 17:39

Why are you keeping this woman to stay? Why are you shopping for her? She should be paying you rent, buying her own food and paying her share of utility bills. You are an adult with a mortgage - you decide who stays at your place, not your parents. Tell her the arrangement is no longer working.

HardToDeal · 15/01/2017 17:39

How do P think this is being funded? Ok she might think you're ok with putting her up for free but she can't expect that meals etc are all appearing from nowhere? She'd have to pay for food and bills no matter where she was, surely?

Empress13 · 15/01/2017 17:40

TBH if it were me it's only 10 weeks hardly a lifetime and she isn't any trouble, can't you just grin and bear it for the sake of your family. If not have a quiet word with your bro and tell her she can stay until she finds somewhere else more suitable. But you do know you won't be liked for this don't you and it's going to cause a fallout - just sayin !

Original poster
ChickenVindaloo2 · 15/01/2017 17:41

I know, Super. I would have said no from the start - in fact, my family would have known better than to ask me - but it was all a last-minute emergency because she'd fallen out with the flatmate so I had literally no time to think about it. I also started my new job the VERY NEXT DAY!! So before I knew it, she's basically moved in!

OP posts:
KinkyAfro · 15/01/2017 17:42

Totally agree with coconut she's not your responsibility

Empress13 · 15/01/2017 17:42

Just wanted to ask tho where does she think the money for her upkeep is coming from?

Original poster
ChickenVindaloo2 · 15/01/2017 17:43

I think my only option is to grin and bear it for 10 weeks. Otherwise my family would be very disappointed in me. They are quite charitable. (Unlike me!) And I wouldn't want to hurt P's feelings, she is hardworking and does seem to make my brother happy.

But after this, no-one is staying at mine every again, I'm DONE with guests!

I just wanted to know if I was BU or not!

OP posts:
Original poster
ChickenVindaloo2 · 15/01/2017 17:46

I don't always give her a meal every night - sometimes she says she will eat at uni, especially if I'm working late.

It's just the mental head space it takes up, trying to second guess her needs. And I know I should just let her provide her own meals but it seems a bit mean if I'm cooking for myself! Because she is sort of family, y'know? It's very awkward.

OP posts:
CanarySong · 15/01/2017 17:51

P has got this well sussed, hasn't she?

She hasn't offered you anything, money, shopping, to take you out for a meal, nothing at all in an attempt to go some way to reimbursement for staying 3 nights a week at your place?

Nope, P is not "a lovely girl".

helzapoppin2 · 15/01/2017 17:52

Your feelings aren't unreasonable. Over the past year I've been in this situation of putting up family members and friends for extended periods, so I know how you feel. I find the best thing is to grin and bear it and have a little celebration when they go! Maybe you could give her some chores to do in exchange for the free accommodation.

user1484226561 · 15/01/2017 17:52

I think grin and bare it, it is not her fault she has no where to go-, and it isn't indefinite is it.

but find some reason you will never be able to have guests again afterwoods...orchid breeding in the spare room??

harderandharder2breathe · 15/01/2017 17:52

Can't you have a chat with her and say from now on she needs to sort out her own meals? She's an adult, she's not your responsibility. It's your flat, you get to set the rules but if you don't talk to her how will she know it bothers you?

Fwiw it would bother me as well, I find it stressful having people in my space, even people I love.

Backt0Black · 15/01/2017 17:53

totally YANBU. I lived in a larger house last year while sorting out the purchase on where I live now. And I had THREE long term lodgers at various points (DB, BIL, FIL). Everyone just assumes that as you have space 'x person' can go to you and its fine.

Its not, it's your space, it's your right to enjoy it uninterrupted and its bloody rude for people to just 'place' people with you just like that.

Original poster
ChickenVindaloo2 · 15/01/2017 17:54

Oops, she did pay when we went for dinner just before Christmas, to celebrate the end of her exams.

And she does let me eat her weird food soy milk and chia seeds if I want to.

OP posts:
LucklessMonster · 15/01/2017 17:55

I don't think she's taking you for a mug, despite the usual MN see-the-worse-in-everybody. By your own admission you've told her not to worry about the money, you act like you enjoy having her there, presumably she has no idea how much you resent it.

But I see it from your side because I can't bear having people to stay. I would need to end the arrangement.