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Original poster

Am I being taken for a mug? Flatmate-related

77 replies

ChickenVindaloo2 · 15/01/2017 17:22

Hi,

I'm 33, live alone in City A (flat with mortgage). I work full-time in a demanding job. I'm earn a good salary now but trying to pay off credit card debt (see separate thread!)

My brother's girlfriend (P) who lives in City B (150 miles away) signed up to do a Postgrad course in my city. Between Sep-Dec she was here 2 nights a week. She is back this week and will now be staying Tuesday night-Friday am every week for the next 10 weeks.

She had originally arranged to stay with a friend of her mum for some tiny level of digs money. But that only lasted a few days back in September (the friend said something nasty to her apparently and would stay up being noisy when P was trying to study/sleep.) So at the request of my brother and my parents I went to get her and let her stay with me instead. I hadn't quite anticipated that it would be for the rest of the academic year. Or that it would turn out to be for 3 nights a week from now on.

Now, P is a lovely girl, quiet, not messy, doesn't eat much. BUT I HATE living with someone else. I need my space when I get home from work and I don't like having to basically have guests every week - I've been shopping, cooking, cleaning for her. She helps, of course, but maybe other loners will understand.

Also my parents feel quite sorry for her as she comes from a very hardworking but poor family. They have told me to tell them how much she "costs" me and they will reimburse. So I told her not to worry about money. But now I sort of feel like an idiot.

I'm having a really hard time at work at the moment and struggling for money following Christmas. I'm also on a diet so maybe this is all making me more grumpy than usual but I feel like as soon as she's gone on Friday, I have the weekend then I have to get ready for her coming back again?!

And yes, I am lovely, friendly, helpful, hospitable when she is here. It just takes a lot of out me. I never even invite people for the weekend and I certainly never stay at other people's houses!

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 15/01/2017 18:46

I wonder if the friend of her mum (assuming Eastern European) mentioned something about her "pulling her weight or contributing money" Hmm

Jaxhog · 15/01/2017 18:48

At the very least, either she or your DB should be paying you some rent. If your parents want to cover that, that's up to them. But you should get some reward for putting yourself out like this. She should also be helping around the place too, even if just her own stuff.

I would try and do it for the 10 weeks though.

CommunionHelp · 15/01/2017 18:49

I"m an introvert and it would be awful for me to do that OP. So draining, especially if you have a stressful job.

I desperately need my own space and I wouldn't be happy about the arrangement. But to be nice, if you can cope for 10 weeks, then well done you.

SuperFlyHigh · 15/01/2017 18:49

Trust me as well, she may give out her family are poor but vast majority of Eastern Europeans I know (had an intern stay) certainly aren't poor or not what we think of as poor (are hard working) and know value of £ to their currency. Some are farmers etc but I wouldn't say poor. The intern I had from Slovakia was pissed off because Hackney was so expensive and nearer to her internship than where I was (SE London) and eventually she paid for a b&b there (after 2 months with me).

SuperFlyHigh · 15/01/2017 18:50

Why is it over at 10 weeks?

Ensure she is gone by 10 weeks and I'd mention to your brother how kind you've been dealing with HIS GF.

MikeUniformMike · 15/01/2017 18:59

How long has she been seeing your brother? I think she (not your brother or parents) should give you something for her board and lodgings. If you like her and you think she will be your SIL, then it's only 30 nights and maybe you could put up with it but I think it is taking the piss. Your flat, you choose who stays there. If your parents are "bank of mum & dad" and helped you out massively to buy the flat, then I'd put up with it.

Slimmingsnake · 15/01/2017 19:02

She's a grown woman yes? So treat her as such...do a rota for cleaning ,tidying.explain the times you want the kitchen and bathroom.give her her own cupboard for food,and bill her for 1/4 of all bills...sorted..she's not a child and should expect to pay her way

dontdoitatall · 15/01/2017 19:03

She's trying to better herself by educating herself. I'd stick with it, it's not for long. One day she may be family and will also help your brother out if she's doing well.

Cherrysoup · 15/01/2017 19:07

Why are you feeding her?! She's got you right where she wants you! Not paying rent, getting meals and presumably bills paid? Why can't she get a weekend job or hours to fit round studying? I think she's taking the piss, tbh.

Original poster
ChickenVindaloo2 · 15/01/2017 19:07

Yes, my mum and dad helped out a lot when I bought this place.

Thanks all for your comments, I will be wary of ending up in an arrangement like this again (eg like the lift-sharing mentioned above). It has taken me til my 30s to realise how much I need my time alone.

OP posts:
throwingpebbles · 15/01/2017 19:21

Just swallow your pride and ask your parents to cover the cost of her food and bills. And explain to be you are busy at work and she needs to do her share of the cooking (or you could both cook and shop separately)

If you don't try and take control of the situation a bit then it is unfair to be resentful

throwingpebbles · 15/01/2017 19:22

Ps I totally get the need for alone time, nothing wrong with that!

BonnyScotland · 15/01/2017 19:40

She sounds very calculatingly manipulative.. passive aggressive ...... GET SHOT .. her accommodation issues are not your concern....

and TEN weeks is AGES

DotForShort · 15/01/2017 19:42

I am a complete misanthrope introvert, and this sort of arrangement is the stuff of nightmares for me. If I had already agreed to it, I would probably just grin and bear it for the next two months (and spend a lot of time either away from home or holed up in my bedroom). And breathe a huge sigh of relief at the end.

The cultural background may well be a factor here. My husband, who is Russian, spent literally years staying with family friends when he was at university in Moscow. Everyone considered it completely normal, even though it made for very tight quarters.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 15/01/2017 20:16

OP, i think this is a case of 'not my circus, not my monkeys'
This isn't your responsibility to sort out.

Your brother should have discussed this with you first.
His being a tight arse is NOT your problem to deal with/bail him out.
Plus, if he doesn't care about his gf enough to help her with accommodation then it shows you how 'serious' he is about her.

P should have discussed living arrangements with you at some point if this to be permanent until she finishes her studies.
P needs to take responsibility and find somewhere else suitable.
She can take out a student loan and use that, or look up air bnb, or houseshare.

I don't like how she's just assumed that this set up is ok with you.
Where's her manners?
Who does she think is paying for her share of the utilities etc if it isn't her?
Or does she assume that she's not costing you extra/it's your responsibility?

My parents are pretty well off but I don't see that it's their bill to foot
That's a choice they've made.
Now you need to pass the responsibility back to them.
They can pay for alternative accommodation for her, whether it's bnb or a flat.

She may genuinely be a quiet person, or she might just be trying to stay under the radar so you don't force this conversation.
I don't think you're being told the truth about what happened at the previous place.
I think they figured out this was a pisstake and didn't like being manipulated like that.

It's your home OP and you shouldn't have to spend the next year feeling on edge.
I don't like sharing my home either, it's where i go to rest from the people-hangover i've got by the end of the day.

I think your family is taking you for a mug. If they want to treat P like some special snowflake then they should do it somewhere else.
Just say 'no more' and let the four of them sort this out like adults.

Original poster
ChickenVindaloo2 · 15/01/2017 20:16

I've already had her since the autumn...that was only 1-2 nights a week.
It's 3 nights a week for the next ten weeks!

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 15/01/2017 20:18

When I found myself in a similar situation, i did not anticipate how much i would miss having my own space. I ended up having more meals out, coming home just to go straight to my room. It was a bit like living in a bed sit. We agreed to have one evening meal together ( they cooked on Friday nights).

And i kept (at work) a calendar in which to count down the days. All the best.

Rachel0Greep · 15/01/2017 20:20

No useful advice from me, but personally, I would find this hard, I must admit. Will that definitely be the end of it in ten weeks? Or will some other 'arrangement' be sprung on you...

WellErrr · 15/01/2017 20:20

Mumsnet will tell you to boot her out.

But actually, I think you're doing a really kind thing. Please keep making her welcome; it's shit being poor and having nowhere to go Flowers

Original poster
ChickenVindaloo2 · 15/01/2017 20:21

That's the thing - I would have laughed in their faces if anyone had suggested I take a lodger for 3 nights a week for an academic year. FOR FREE! During my worst financial times, I thought about having a lodger and rejected it, thinking I'd actually rather do shifts in a pub or something to make ends meet.

But this has just crept up on me, stealth-like: "oh, it's just for a few nights, oh it's just 1-2 nights a week, now it's 3 nights a week..."

OP posts:
Surreyblah · 15/01/2017 20:22

Just tell her it's no longer convenient for you to put her up, and ask her to leave within 3 weeks. Your family can help her directly should they still wish to do so.

Original poster
ChickenVindaloo2 · 15/01/2017 20:22

I definitely won't boot her out.

I'm pretty sure my brother has told her it's fine and not to worry about money.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChickenVindaloo2 · 15/01/2017 20:23

Thanks to everyone for the support Flowers

I know I'm not the only loner/introvert/misanthrope on MN!

OP posts:
Surreyblah · 15/01/2017 20:29

Why not though? Because your family are bullying you?

Original poster
ChickenVindaloo2 · 15/01/2017 20:31

I don't want to disrupt her studies by making her find somewhere else to live at this stage in the game.
I'll be having words with my parents and brother though.

OP posts: