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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being taken for a mug? Flatmate-related

77 replies

ChickenVindaloo2 · 15/01/2017 17:22

Hi,

I'm 33, live alone in City A (flat with mortgage). I work full-time in a demanding job. I'm earn a good salary now but trying to pay off credit card debt (see separate thread!)

My brother's girlfriend (P) who lives in City B (150 miles away) signed up to do a Postgrad course in my city. Between Sep-Dec she was here 2 nights a week. She is back this week and will now be staying Tuesday night-Friday am every week for the next 10 weeks.

She had originally arranged to stay with a friend of her mum for some tiny level of digs money. But that only lasted a few days back in September (the friend said something nasty to her apparently and would stay up being noisy when P was trying to study/sleep.) So at the request of my brother and my parents I went to get her and let her stay with me instead. I hadn't quite anticipated that it would be for the rest of the academic year. Or that it would turn out to be for 3 nights a week from now on.

Now, P is a lovely girl, quiet, not messy, doesn't eat much. BUT I HATE living with someone else. I need my space when I get home from work and I don't like having to basically have guests every week - I've been shopping, cooking, cleaning for her. She helps, of course, but maybe other loners will understand.

Also my parents feel quite sorry for her as she comes from a very hardworking but poor family. They have told me to tell them how much she "costs" me and they will reimburse. So I told her not to worry about money. But now I sort of feel like an idiot.

I'm having a really hard time at work at the moment and struggling for money following Christmas. I'm also on a diet so maybe this is all making me more grumpy than usual but I feel like as soon as she's gone on Friday, I have the weekend then I have to get ready for her coming back again?!

And yes, I am lovely, friendly, helpful, hospitable when she is here. It just takes a lot of out me. I never even invite people for the weekend and I certainly never stay at other people's houses!

OP posts:

Original poster

ChickenVindaloo2 · 15/01/2017 17:55

Yes, I think we will need to chat about the cost of food...she lives with her mum in City B.

And YY to the sudden interest in orchid breeding!

OP posts:

Lunde · 15/01/2017 17:55

Minimally she should be doing all her own shopping and offering you money for bills

MudCity · 15/01/2017 17:56

You shouldn't feel the need to second guess her needs OP. Give her some cupboard space and let her know she can buy whatever food she wants and use your facilities to prepare it. Set some ground rules if you need them. Seriously, if I was staying with you I would definitely not expect you to prepare food for me. I would just want a bedroom and would do the rest myself. Has she got a television in her bedroom so she can spend time in there without being in your space?

ProppedUp · 15/01/2017 17:57

I might be missing the point of this but why did she sign up for a postgrad 150 miles from home? Moving for uni is quite normal, I know, but presume she has one or two years on this course, I just find it a bit odd to go so far away and then not find somewhere else to live.

Maybe this is the norm. I did my degree away and when I decided on postgrad I did that closer to home (my own home!). Is she working? Is she getting some sort of funding? Just struggling to understand how anyone moves 150 miles, for anything, without the money to pay for a normal rent / lodgings!

MrsSchadenfreude · 15/01/2017 18:01

Ask your parents to pay £400 a month for her. This would presumably be close to what she had to pay for a shared house, would cover bills, food, her room and your inconvenience.

Miserylovescompany2 · 15/01/2017 18:06

Personally, I'd grin and bear it. P could be your SIL? It's not for ever and a day. 10 weeks and poof she'll be gone. I would ask your parents if the offer is still there to fund food etc. They offered.

Tick off each week on the calendar. Then have yourself a little "misanthrope" party when she leaves...

AnotherUsedName13 · 15/01/2017 18:07

CanarySong - that's a bit harsh! You don't know what she's been told about this arrangement or the norm is in her family. She doesn't know the OP is a loner. I'd say that DH and I are the opposites, and pre-DC we regularly put up an assortment of guests, and I don't think we ever expected money for it. That feels really vulgar and grabby, especially if it's for a short while.

I think we'd have been pleased with a 'thank you' and a posh meal out at the end of the 10 weeks, which is what we roughly got on the two occasions when we had a friend-of-a-friend descend on us under similar occasions.

Not saying the OP isn't entitled to find it exhausting to have a guest - obviously, she's an introvert and finds people exhausting. That's OK. But that doesn't mean his potential future SiL is a horrible person for not just knowing this.

Original poster

ChickenVindaloo2 · 15/01/2017 18:11

She has a laptop with her which she uses to watch stuff on in the evenings.
She can't get a part time job as she splits her time between City A & City B. She has worked throughout uni apart from now.

She did arrange lodgings with someone but she fell out with them.

YY to the misanthrope party!

OP posts:

Original poster

ChickenVindaloo2 · 15/01/2017 18:13

If it makes any difference, P is from a different county (Eastern Europe) so maybe they have different cultural norms re lodging/visiting?

OP posts:

GabsAlot · 15/01/2017 18:13

sorry does she not even offer money? are u the local hotel

just make it clear you cant liv with people its not working for you

i have anxiety i cant live with people my dsis stayed with me for nearly a year and i nearly had a breakdown-sorry but shes not your problem to sort

RebelRogue · 15/01/2017 18:14

YANBU

However if the plan is to grin and bear, then you should stop seeing her as a guest/family/visitor. She is your lodger end of. So you don't need to prepare the house or her room for her arrival. If you're cooking asking her if she'd like some and making enough for two is fine. Planning the cooking around her,is not. Food shop,she either pays towards it,or you each buy your own stuff etc.
I think half of the issue(besides you hating people) is the fact that you bend over backwards to be accommodating to your "guest". If you stopped that,things might just get bearable for you.

JaneEyreWasASellout · 15/01/2017 18:17

Yanbu. I really like having people around and even I get stressed out at the thought of coming home night after night to them, worrying about midnight bathroom trips, or always having to offer tea when you make a cuppa. Yanbu to feel this way. But I would agree that, considering that she's a nice kid apparently, and that your brother will probably stay with her, I'd let her finish the ten weeks. I would suggest that after this week maybe you tell her work is shite at the moment, and you'd be really grateful if she can whip up something for herself when she comes in as you're not always sure you'll be making food for yourself every night either. Or buy some one person ready meals for yourself that can't be shared. If you're dieting that's a pretty good excuse to buy some specific meals for one anyway! Good luck!

Bluesrunthegame · 15/01/2017 18:18

If you are struggling to pay off a credit card, ask your parents to pay at least a small contribution, it's not as if they haven't offered. Your utility bills will be at least a little higher with this person staying.

Also ask her to start cooking for herself, and don't buy her any food. I think someone else suggested giving her a cupboard or a shelf in a cupboard and a shelf in the fridge. If you feel awkward about making changes, say you are coming up to a stressful time at work and you don't know when you'll be home or if you'll feel like cooking. If you cook for yourself, just don't offer her any, it's not mean, it's what flatmates do.

She probably has no idea of how you feel. I was a guest at Christmas for a week, then I immediately had a guest when I got home, I desperately needed my space once the guest had gone, I can feel some of your pain!

Bunnyfuller · 15/01/2017 18:21

Do his 10 weeks but tell them that has to be it then.

BoomBoomsCousin · 15/01/2017 18:25

You can, of course, tell her it won't work for you any more. However, I think it would strain your relationships with family to turn her away now, when you've had ages to say it wouldn't suit.

I don't really think it's your place to second guess your parents generosity towards her unless there is some thing more to your disapproval of them paying for her. You didn't ask her for money because of their offer - it's fairly straight forward. You don't have to ask them for it, but your annoyance over that seems a little artificial. I wonder if your angst over the money may be misplaced annoyance perhaps as a way to justify to yourself why you don't like having her there. But it's OK to just not like having her there! Enjoying being on your own and finding living with a sort of lodger to be hard work is perfectly fine. You don't have to feel bad about not enjoying it and you don't need to justify it. It doesn't make you a less nice person than people who are energised by having others around (some of whom buzz around and irritate others because of their own need for company), you're just at the other end of the spectrum.

I think you should just suck it up for 10 weeks for your brother's sake. But if you can think of some way to make it easier, then do it. Anything you were planning on doing that took you out of the flat more (were you thinking of joining a gym or taking advantage of late openings at a museum? Have you been meaning to see more theatre, or go to the movies more? This would be a good time to do that - not to feel chased out of your own home, but just as a little spur to get you doing something you've been meaning to anyway. Or would it help to pile some chores on her? Ask her to do the laundry or cook one night?

If not, it is just 10 weeks. This time next week you'll be 10% through it. By the time the clocks change back you'll be pretty much done. It will go fairly fast.

ProppedUp · 15/01/2017 18:26

She can't get a part time job as she splits her time between City A & City B. She has worked throughout uni apart from now.
She did arrange lodgings with someone but she fell out with them.

I still don't get this. If she worked throughout uni, why move 150 miles away and then not work because you want to go back home regularly?! And not afford standard lodgings? It still feels really disorganised.

But, I'm with you OP in not liking having guests so much. There are very few people I can have for more than a few hours, to be honest probably just my BIL and SIL as we all get on very well and I can be almost fully relaxed around them, so they could stay a week and I'd be fine with that. But anyone else... nope

Hope it works out alright for you, and I don't assume she's trying to use you, but it feels like a weird decision for her to have made, not fully thought through.

Gwenhwyfar · 15/01/2017 18:32

"Ask your parents to pay £400 a month for her. This would presumably be close to what she had to pay for a shared house, would cover bills, food, her room and your inconvenience."

Did they say they were in London or somewhere very expensive. Where I live (a city) you'd get your own bedsit for 400, not including bills. A room in a shared house would be 200-350 including bills. OP would be making a huge profit if she took 400 for renting a room.

Trills · 15/01/2017 18:36

You don't want her there.

It's not a question of wanting to be paid, it's a question of wanting her out.

If you're in a university city she will be able to find somewhere else to live.

Tell her that while you like her very much, nd you've been glad to be able to help her in her emergency, living with a roommate is not for you, and that she has 4 weeks to find somewhere else.

spareroom.co.uk is a good place to start

Gabilan · 15/01/2017 18:36

why move 150 miles away and then not work because you want to go back home regularly?!

I'm guessing she moved for a good course. Presumably she's going back home to be with the boyfriend.

OP it sounds to me as if your problem is you're treating her as a houseguest when really, because it's for 10 weeks, she's more like a lodger. I'd stop cooking for her. Stop letting her into your headspace. She's a grown up, living in your house temporarily. Let her cook for herself and buy food for herself so you live independently. If she's using shared space you should be splitting the chores.

And accept your parents' offer of some rent money. It will help relieve your stress, they have offered. It's not freeloading because it's for a purpose and they'll probably be glad to help.

Trills · 15/01/2017 18:38

Sorry - didn't see it was 10 weeks - though it was til the end of the academic year.
That might be harder for her to find, but if others have the same endpoint maybe there is someone out there who WANTS a roommate to help pay their bills for that time.

TeethDrama · 15/01/2017 18:39

YANBU.

You haven't chosen to get a part-time lodger, your parents and brother have put the pressure on you. Not only that, you haven't even got the financial benefit of an independent lodger who pays you for living there.

It would probably cause trouble for you to put your foot down and ask that she doesn't stay there any more, mainly because even if she's only there Tues-Fri she would have to pay for a full weeks' lodgings anywhere else. With you she doesn't have to pay anything. It's not right and it's not fair of your parents and brother to put this on you. At the very least, they will know you are essentially funding her living expenses half the week and I think that's wrong, that they get the feel-good factor for helping her out but you are the one actually doing the hosting.

But they have, so... You will be the bad guy if you end the arrangement. I would finish the current situation with as much grace as you can muster through gritted teeth and then you really have done your bit. No more.

Again, you are NOT being unreasonable! I would hate it! Once a new guy started at work who lived on the way to my house. He got the bus (lots of buses available) I drove. On the first day there was a suggestion I could drop him off and pick him up every day because we were going the same way. I said no from the start and stuck to it because I just didn't want to share my driving time making small talk with a guy I didn't know, five days a week, for as long as we both worked there. I like my own space.

RandomMess · 15/01/2017 18:42

I would ask that in return for her free lodges that she cooks the evenings meals and clears up after them (even if you provide the food or the bulk of it). I think that would be entirely reasonable, 3 nights per week every week for 10 weeks is a big ask!!!

Why don't you email her about it, you could even say that you'd like to try some of her "home" dishes?

SuperFlyHigh · 15/01/2017 18:43

I agree with Canary she is taking you for a mug and no idea about Eastern European cultures but I work with a few at an architects and they all rent (one buys) and share flats and cook their own food!

She's getting all the perks of a part time flat for virtually nothing. Even with your parents paying it lets her off the hook. Of course she isn't getting a part time job as your parents are paying!

Gooseberryfools · 15/01/2017 18:45

I think you need to say to her that you assumed it would be short term. But because it's a longer term, she needs to pay 1/5 of the bills and 1/5th oftge mortgage cost.

SuperFlyHigh · 15/01/2017 18:45

Your brother should be sorting this out as his GF. And if they break up you'll be spitting fire you were so kind and hospitable to her!

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