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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My boss acts like she's my mum/worries about how much I'm eating.

115 replies

user1484493755 · 15/01/2017 15:27

I'm a single mum of a 4 year old boy. Im aged 26. I started a very demanding job with long hours. I am extremely passionate about this job. I started this job overweight at 13st and I'm now 10st and look slim but healthy (I'm 5ft6). I've been in the job 3 months.

I am just so busy so eat at midday and eat a sandwich and have a coffee and cup of tea. We get free meals on shift. I choose healthy options. When I first started I was getting through the day on a yogurt and fruit but I got better at working efficiently so now have time for lunch.

I eat cereal bars/fruit/yogurt for a snack and have dinner at 5 before leaving to go home. My boss told me in supervision I was a real asset to the team and a grafter but I needed to make sure I took my lunch to relax and to make sure I eat a decent lunch.

If I miss lunch my boss comes in and tells me to have my lunch and makes me leave what I'm doing to go and eat. If I try and go back to work she tells me to stay in the staff room to finish relaxing until lunch time is over.
She has no concerns I have an eating disorder or anything like that. I'm not even thin. I think she just doesn't want me to burn out from work related stress or lose anymore weight.

On the odd occasion I have to do home
Visits. My manager takes me as she doesn't want me walking through the (extremely rough) area alone.

She's not gay I don't think. It's not that she fancies me. She just really likes me and worries about me. We have two students here and she is the same with them regarding the home visits and takes them in her car too.

Would my eating/lunch taking be a cause for concern with you? Is it unprofessional?

While I think it's great she cares, but I'm not sure how many calories your staff eat is your concern and if they want to work hard to meet deadline surely that's a good thing?

OP posts:
Original poster
user1484493755 · 15/01/2017 17:55

When I had an admin job I always went out for lunch as being sat at a desk turns me completely crazy and makes me feel drained and tired.

Now I have to walk around a hospital I find the walking clears my head so while I'm still st my desk, it's not constant. I think that contributes too

OP posts:
JennyHolzersGhost · 15/01/2017 18:09

3 stone in 3 months ?! And you think she FANCIES you ?! Hmm
She's clearly concerned about your extreme weight loss. I think you should have an honest conversation with her and explain what you've said on this thread - that you're aware of it and are making an effort to eat healthily now.

StealthPolarBear · 15/01/2017 18:20

Meanwhile on other threads posters are horrified that a manager should ask why you've been off sick.
and yet on here the manager getting involved in the detail of the ops eating arrangements is seen as her job, when op has given her no reason to think she can't do the job.

kaputt · 15/01/2017 18:32

Yep I agree with others this sounds like a good boss. Maybe she's being a bit overbearing or full on with it but I really think that's better than everyone knowing you're not eating, seeing your weight loss and doing bugger all about it. Maybe she's not handling it perfectly, but it does sound like she's concerned about you.

IHaveBrilloHair · 15/01/2017 18:38

I could tell you a similarish story of a kind and caring boss, she did loads for me when I was ill, was really kind and concerned, went the extra mile.
Underneath it all she was a controlling nightmare and the only person I've ever dropped completely from my life, as in cut her off and told her so.
Only you can know which it is OP.

madein1995 · 15/01/2017 18:39

I think she sounds lovely and im glad she cares. Your weight and diet is gealthy but that wuick weight loss isnt

AthenasOwl · 15/01/2017 18:53

I don't think you're eating enough calories if I'm honest op.

redcarbluecar · 15/01/2017 19:05

I think it sounds slightly fussy / overbearing, but at the same time I wish there were more employers who would care and look out for us like that.

GimmeeMoore · 15/01/2017 19:06

Your manager sounds like a considerate,thoughtful lady
She is your plus one on dodgy visits,that's good.she can observe you as new start if she want
You lost 3 stone in 3mth. Of course she'll notice.its ok for her to check you're ok

melj1213 · 15/01/2017 20:07

YABU. You know all your back ground, OP but your boss doesn't. All she sees is an employee starting a stressful job, losing a lot of weight in a short space of time since they started, not taking their breaks and, from what she can see, not eating enough to sustain themselves. Especially working in a hospital they're probably used to looking out for any signs of their staff showing signs of stress/burnout and since you're a new starter she's probably keeping a closer eye on you than others, to make sure you're coping in your new role.

Also, in my job meal breaks are unpaid, and they automatically take them off unless you use the clock in machine to "skip meal break" and even then they limit how many times you can do that in a month to discourage people from feeling pressured into skipping their breaks to get their work done ... if they can't do their work without skipping their breaks regularly then they're either over worked or not coping, both of which needs to be brought to their manager's attention. Also if you don't clock in/out for your 30 min meal break then they will automatically take an hour off you ... so if you didn't take a break then you'd get flagged for not clocking in/out and they'd ask why. It's not because anyone is being overly parental, but because they want to make sure you're taking your legally required breaks and aren't taking on too much work.

Original poster
user1484493755 · 15/01/2017 21:34

Thanks everyone. I agree that once my weight stays the same she will likely stop worrying. It's nice she worries. She is caring and does seem to like me

OP posts:
Original poster
user1484493755 · 15/01/2017 21:44

I've just found out I'm eating around 1400 calories and practically no fat. I'm burning around 400 calories a day.

So I'm only getting 1000 calories a day!!!!

That's completely shocked me. No wonder I feel so terrible. I have been feeling almost hungover.

OP posts:
NormaSmuff · 16/01/2017 07:49

so now you say you feel terrible
you know what to do
take the advice of your boss Wink

dollyollymolly · 16/01/2017 08:13

Be glad that she encourages you to take a proper break.

Most of the bosses I've worked for would have liked me to work through lunch/not eat/not see daylight.

mateysmum · 16/01/2017 08:15

OP you're also eating quite a lot of sugar relative to the total amount you are eating - 2 muller yogs, a cereal bar and fruit are all sugaryand the rest of your diet looks very lean.

Original poster
user1484493755 · 16/01/2017 08:16

The muller light has no added sugar

OP posts:
NormaSmuff · 16/01/2017 08:18

when i work for an agency they inform me that after 6 hours, I have to take an unpaid break. it is the law.

Original poster
user1484493755 · 16/01/2017 08:18

Fruit is natural sugar. I don't think I eat too much sugar.

I do eat very lean though. Very little fat. Practically none

OP posts:
GinIsIn · 16/01/2017 08:18

So now you know your boss may have a point, you need to put a plan into place to come up with a more ordered pattern of eating.

Try to keep a food diary and eat regular meals, whether you are hungry or not. Hunger can be misleading as if you deprive your body of food for long enough you can lose the habit of getting hungry.

robinofsherwood · 16/01/2017 08:35

In my first management role, I had a team member who was so keen & committed (incidentally he'd also got the job after a long period of unemployment). I would describe him as the type of person who would go above & beyond.

He was worse than you for hours - first in, last out, never took lunch and on one memorable occasion fell asleep at work & was still there next morning. I tried everything to persuade him to take breaks but he wouldnt. Eventually my boss visited, saw how burnt out he was and came down hard on me.

Firstly, I was failing in my duty to protect him & breaking the law by letting him work through lunch. Secondly, I was failing in my duty to my employer because it might feel like you get more done if you work through but the break - whether going to eat, or just going to the shops - refreshes you & makes you more efficient.

He still wouldnt listen so ended up on disciplinary. Which fortunately he did listen to, because my boss was quite clear it would end in dismissal if not.

So I really wouldnt complain to your manager that you find her behaviour inappropriate.

TheCuriousOwl · 16/01/2017 08:46

OP I'm like you in that when I really love my job I go all out at it and find I never get hungry, or slow down. And also like you when you have the variety of having to go between departments etc you don't get bored.

However: I don't take an hour for lunch. I can't 'switch off' and then 'switch on' again like that (usually). I'd take a good half an hour which will feel less eugh and is more likely to turn into 40 mins, but you get a decent time to just park your brain for a bit and read, or whatever, but you don't feel like you're wasting good productive work time with sitting doing nothing boredly after taking 10 mins if that to eat a sandwich!!

kaputt · 16/01/2017 09:15

OP your 'one tablespoon of oil' is ringing ED alarm bells for me.

They're bloody sneaky things and sometimes what starts out as healthy weight loss can get a wee bit out of control. Take it from someone who knows, you don't want this to get out of hand.

1400 cal is a weight loss diet for someone who is active (which you are). Thats a simple truth. Personally I'd ignore the sugar mafia and chuck a few chocolate biscuits in there, but you could also up it by adding avocado on toast, a good couple of handfuls of nuts, and swap the sugar free muller for a full fat greek - fewer chemicals anyway!

unfortunateevents · 16/01/2017 09:29

OP, if you feel terrible and almost hungover, how long before it beings to affect your work? You have worked for your boss for 3 months and she cannot fail to have noticed that you have lost a lot of weight. Maybe she is also noticing that you are becoming lethargic? And you wonder why she might be concerned?!

You are now a very healthy weight but you are not eating enough, or enough of the right foods so you will soon be underweight if you continue. Why, e.g., are you eating Warburton Thins - horrible things, in my opinion. Why not eat good-quality wholemeal or seeded bread instead? And swop the cheese spread, which is often full of crap, for a couple of slices of actual cheese? A lot of your diet seems to consist of fruit/veg or processed rubbish - cereal bars, muller lights, thins etc.

MrsDustyBusty · 16/01/2017 09:43

OP, this thread sounds like you're utterly consumed by your food intake. You start off with general gripes about your boss but it's quickly become a description of what you eat and do each day and what other people think of it. Why are you so focused on food and weight? Have you come to a point where friends and family don't want to hear about it so you're pouring it out to strangers?

Whatthefuckis1tnow · 16/01/2017 10:07

You where overweight before and now you're not. I wouldn't say at 10 stone and 5'6 that you are particularly thin.
The amount you eat seems adequate enough I would say and no one where I would be concerned at all.
It seems you want people to know what you are eating and perhaps maybe after losing the weight you've become a bit obsessed by it.
It's easy done but don't assume that's everyone else's concern for you. Most people don't care what others eat.