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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My boss acts like she's my mum/worries about how much I'm eating.

115 replies

user1484493755 · 15/01/2017 15:27

I'm a single mum of a 4 year old boy. Im aged 26. I started a very demanding job with long hours. I am extremely passionate about this job. I started this job overweight at 13st and I'm now 10st and look slim but healthy (I'm 5ft6). I've been in the job 3 months.

I am just so busy so eat at midday and eat a sandwich and have a coffee and cup of tea. We get free meals on shift. I choose healthy options. When I first started I was getting through the day on a yogurt and fruit but I got better at working efficiently so now have time for lunch.

I eat cereal bars/fruit/yogurt for a snack and have dinner at 5 before leaving to go home. My boss told me in supervision I was a real asset to the team and a grafter but I needed to make sure I took my lunch to relax and to make sure I eat a decent lunch.

If I miss lunch my boss comes in and tells me to have my lunch and makes me leave what I'm doing to go and eat. If I try and go back to work she tells me to stay in the staff room to finish relaxing until lunch time is over.
She has no concerns I have an eating disorder or anything like that. I'm not even thin. I think she just doesn't want me to burn out from work related stress or lose anymore weight.

On the odd occasion I have to do home
Visits. My manager takes me as she doesn't want me walking through the (extremely rough) area alone.

She's not gay I don't think. It's not that she fancies me. She just really likes me and worries about me. We have two students here and she is the same with them regarding the home visits and takes them in her car too.

Would my eating/lunch taking be a cause for concern with you? Is it unprofessional?

While I think it's great she cares, but I'm not sure how many calories your staff eat is your concern and if they want to work hard to meet deadline surely that's a good thing?

OP posts:
MrsDc7 · 15/01/2017 16:58

I'm a HR professional and can tell you that it is part of your manager's role to ensure you are coping with your job demands. By losing 3 stone in as many months you have given her a red flag. She's just doing what she should be and making sure you are okay

NormaSmuff · 15/01/2017 16:59

welcome the interference op.
she sounds caring.
what do you want from this thread?

frumpet · 15/01/2017 17:00

If you are not getting paid and are not taking the half hour you get , then you are giving your employer 120 ish free hours a year , very admirable Smile

NormaSmuff · 15/01/2017 17:02

do you look tired op? perhaps that's it.
you say you work hard, do you plan to keep working the same or will you burn out?
are you tired?

KitKat1985 · 15/01/2017 17:02

I think she's trying to be caring and supportive by making sure you get a break and are looking after yourself in order to stay productive to the team, although I can see how you could find it a bit smothering. In all honesty though, I'd be worried about someone who lost 3 stone in 3 months. You must have been under-eating quite substantially to lose that much weight that quickly, so I can understand her concern.

haveacupoftea · 15/01/2017 17:06

I have a staff team and I look out for all of them in this way. Horrified that it actually crossed your mind that she could be a lesbian! As a manager you have a duty of care to your staff in the workplace, and often my staff tell me about their personal problems too. I can then take a decision on whether to let them go home early/suggest a period of leave/encourage them to see a GP/give them a private room to work in while they recover from a break up etc.

Visiting the homes with you is a totally sensible thing to do - she has a responsibility for your safety.

applesandpears33 · 15/01/2017 17:08

I'd worry about someone who lost so much weight so quickly. As a manager I'd also be worried that stress at work might be causing the weight loss, especially if the employee mentioned that he or she didn't have enough time to eat lunch. Maybe the concern will reduce if your weight stabilises.

haveacupoftea · 15/01/2017 17:14

stealthpolarbear you might not like it but it IS up to your manager to tell you how to spend your time. Your comment about being treated like an adult, ironically makes you sound very childish.

At the end of the day your health is more important than getting a report finished or whatever, and a manager who sees that is a good manager.

StealthPolarBear · 15/01/2017 17:19

I don't agree. I agree that during work time my manager cam direct what I work on but she cannot direct what I do in my breaks or the calories in my lunch.

DandelionAndBedrock · 15/01/2017 17:20

I've had people at work check that I've had my lunch, I've had people at work tell me to leave my room and have a break, and I've had people at work bring food in for me to eat for dinner "because you look tired and I know you have a lot on."

Each time, I was pathetically grateful that there was someone there who is effectively saying "I am here for you if you have a problem." Her actions show you that she takes her role seriously, and can (and does) make time for you if you need her.

Chewbecca · 15/01/2017 17:25

I would be concerned for the welfare of someone who worked for me who lost 3st in their 1st 3 months and was reluctant to take eating breaks. Very worried indeed & I would take action. Nothing to do with mothering.

Clankboing · 15/01/2017 17:26

Don't worry about her. I would go to a GP for a blood test.

StillGotTheTreeUp · 15/01/2017 17:27

Op I have an eating disorder. What your boss is doing would drive me bananas.

Think about it x

Palegreenstars · 15/01/2017 17:29

I don't think YABU and she seems to be over stepping a bit. If you feel fine and have curbed the extreme weight loss she shouldn't interfere with what / how much your eating (although I think it's fine to make you take your full break as often as possible). Can you go out for your lunch break?

StealthPolarBear · 15/01/2017 17:31

But if she goes out how can her boss know how much she's eaten ;)

specialsubject · 15/01/2017 17:32

3 stone off in 3 months is a catastrophic rate of weight loss, and even though you may not have an eating disorder (hope not) you are giving out all the signals that you do. Hence the worry.

get off the 'shop floor' at lunchtime, go outside for a walk, eat your food.

you have that rare thing, a decent manager. The idea that she can only be that because she wants to have sex with you is very insulting.

SouthWestmom · 15/01/2017 17:32

Just to put another spin on it, is it an unpaid lunch break? Because people working through and then claiming the time might be an issue for her?

ExConstance · 15/01/2017 17:39

I presume you are working in care. There are cqc and legal requirements about taking breaks and when the service is inspected the inspector will no doubt speak to you and ask about these matters. You are very enthusiastic about your new job now but if you get tired and burn out you won't be. Lastly the organisation wil have a lone worker policy and going out in twos to a rough area is probably the result of a related risk assessment.

hiccupgirl · 15/01/2017 17:41

I'd be concerned about that rate of weight loss and I'm not surprised your manager is too. It's good that she cares isn't it.

I say that as someone who lost nearly 4 stone in 6 months due to health problems that left me eating virtually nothing for weeks on end. Even then I didn't lose weight as fast as you have.

suchafuss · 15/01/2017 17:45

Are you a social worker ir HCP? If so you should know how important your resiliance is. After all if you are unable to look after yourself then I doubt you would be up to looking after others effectivley. I can see why this would annoy you but I honestly think she is trying to support and look out for you. Don't be too hard on her, many people in those roles would be extremley grateful for a manager like yours.

Original poster
user1484493755 · 15/01/2017 17:47

Okay so this is what I ate yesterday (most days are similar to this).

Exercise: walked 4 miles

Ate:

Two slices warburtons thins spread with cheese spread

Coffee

Miller light yogurt with 2 cups of strawberries and grapes

Snack: cereal bar, carrot and cucumber sticks.

Lunch: egg and cress sandwich

Dinner: baked potato with slices of chicken breast, homemade vegetable soup (mixed veg, potato, stock cube and one tablespoon of olive oil)

Muller light/banana

Does that sound enough calories?

OP posts:
Original poster
user1484493755 · 15/01/2017 17:49

I don't want to say the exact job. I make assessments in hospital. It's a stressful role with a large work load although my caseload is only 19. But there's a lot of paperwork

OP posts:
Original poster
user1484493755 · 15/01/2017 17:52

I've always been someone who exercised a lot but also ate a load of junk food. I ate because I was lonely and bored.

Now I have a job it's like I'm not even hungry. I feel happy, sociable and busy and don't use food for emotional reasons anymore.

When I was working in my old job I was 10stone too and piled the weight on once I became unemployed.

I have to remember to eat now.

I'm trying to maintain my weight now which is hopefully what I'm doing.

OP posts:
Katy07 · 15/01/2017 17:53

The job you do is a really stressful one (I have a friend who does the same & I know the effect it has on her physical & mental health) & it sounds like you just have a really good manager who cares (and is probably worried by your extreme weight loss). I can imagine it must be quite annoying but try and see it as a good thing if you can. Providing you don't lose another 3 stone in the next 3 months she'll probably calm down a bit and realise that you're not only capable of doing the job but capable of looking after yourself too Grin

maddiemookins16mum · 15/01/2017 17:53

My boss used to email me from her office and say "go to lunch!!!!".... mainly because I snozzled my ham and lettuce wrap at my desk and never moved for 5 hours solid on occasion. She was brilliant, her words were "Maddie, do you want to come in on every other Sunday and work 5 hours for nothing, because working through your lunch every day, every week is the same". She'd nag me. I was in my 40's (she was slightly older).